Perfectionism

I make mistakes

How my heart aches

Don’t have what it takes today.

I want to give up

I’ve had enough

But this refrain

Makes me try again

(Keep moving on)

I don’t have to be perfect

I don’t have to be right

I just have to try

My best tonight (my best is alright)

~All I Can Do, from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2009, all rights reserved

I still suffer from perfectionism. It continues to be one of my biggest defects of character, which affects many areas of my life. This includes but is not limited to my teaching, my music, my physical appearance, and my eating habits.

I want to be perfect and when I’m not, I beat myself up.

My sponsor agrees that perfectionism is still a big defect for me, especially when it comes to my teaching job. The truth is, I don’t have to be perfect and it’s not possible anyway. All I can strive for is a good presentation of my lessons. I’ll never be perfect. My students will never be perfect either.

She also said, “You have finally realized that you need to pray about all of this and then let it go. You deserve to be happy and you’ll be happier if you let go of being perfect.” One of her favorite sayings is:

You made a mistake and you didn’t die!

Spirit is talking to me because not only is this perfectionism message coming through my sponsor, but other folks as well. The other night, a friend told me to do my best to let all of this go and be good to myself.

Though it’s still an issue for me, I actually have made some progress on perfectionism. I now have the ability to leave the house with a pile of laundry on the chair. I can now run out of time to get to an area of the house that needs to be vacuumed and not sweat it, unless it’s the kitchen or the bathroom. Those rooms need to be done.

I am aware that I make mistakes in all areas of my life and I am getting a little better at letting go of that. For instance, I realize that I’m not perfect in my communications with others.

For example, last week I went into a rage fit because the bank telephone rep kept me on hold for a long time. Then she kept me on the phone for a long time as we talked, and in the end this rep couldn’t help me. I spent a half hour on the phone with her and accomplished nothing. I got upset. What a huge waste of time! I vowed that it was no longer a choice for me to sit endlessly on the phone like that, accomplishing nothing. I will not do it again.

So today, when the same situation threatened my morning, I made a different choice. I hung up the phone and decided that the work would just not get done and it was worth it. No more spending time on the phone like that.

I am not perfect in my time management either. I need to do better at that and accomplish more. But little by little I think I’m learning to relax a little and go with the flow a bit more.

I’m still in the process of forgiving myself for not being perfect. I am not perfect. Just human. Only God is perfect. All that is required is that I follow him and do my best.

I’m trying to stop driving myself crazy by attempting to be perfect. I’ve done my job if I’ve done my best and taken care of myself.

This is progress. These are the results of working this program.

Mantras that help me when I’m fighting my perfectionism:

• Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
• I am powerless over this situation. I’m powerless over my perfectionism. My life has become unmanageable.
• Go do something else.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Change your self-judgment habit.
• Juliet has a job to do. Juliet has to follow God and let go, make her music, paint, work her recovery program, and do her book. That’s what God wants.
• In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
• In this moment, I let go and let God.
• Dear God, I give you my perfectionism for my highest good.

Positive Affirmations that help me with my perfectionism:

• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay that I’m not perfect. No one is perfect but God.
• My imperfections make me unique and beautiful.
• I am a unique and precious human being.
• There is nobody else like me.
• Today I am God’s brand new creation.

Slogans that help me with perfectionism are:

• Not my will but thine be done.
• Let go and let God.
• This too shall pass.
• Let’s just trust God for that.

Additional practices that help when my perfectionism is getting the better of me:

• Talk to my sponsor: My sponsor knows me very well and she is aware that my perfectionism is one my biggest defects. She knows that it is at the root of who I am and the source of many of my struggles. She’s very good at reminding me of this and pointing me towards my recovery tools.
• Step work: I bring out the step work I’ve done with my sponsor and the notes I’ve taken during our conversations and read them when I’m in the middle of a perfectionistic attack. This helps to get me back into a balanced state of mind.
• Program literature: Reading the Twelve Promises, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous really helps me to relax and accept myself the way that I am. Doing this helps to relieve me of my perfectionism in that moment.
• Gratitude List: Reading my gratitude list helps bring me back to a place where I realize how wonderful my life is and that, regardless of whatever is causing me to get down on myself, I can sit back and realize that everything is really okay.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to work through my perfectionism, stop beating myself up, and get back into a balanced state of mind.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forrest, and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the negative energy that comes with perfectionism and getting down on myself for not being perfect.
• Music: I practice my instruments or write a song to get myself back into balance. It works every time.
• Painting: I am an amateur artist. I work with oil paints. Painting is a tool I use to get myself away from food and into doing something creative and positive for myself.