Over-Responsibility and Caretaking

My defect that I thought I shredded

And buried in four places

Like Braveheart

has sewn itself back together and is

standing over me, threatening my life

When I’m sleeping

In my dreams I’m saying

I thought I killed you.

What else can I do but

Raise my life up as an offering to God.

Keep working my program,

Give it to God again.

Follow Him.

He gives me a beautiful sunrise with

pink and little bitty blue clouds in it.

It’s his way of letting me know

He is there and he is going to take care of me.

~ Drawn and Quartered by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2015, all rights reserved

Have I made progress on these defects of over-responsibility and caretaking? I would like to say that the answer is yes. I think that is an honest answer, at least on the awareness level. I am aware of when I cross the line, step over the boundary between just being concerned for someone and taking responsibility for their feelings.

I still suffer from the following of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:

• If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
• I don’t know what I need. I focus on what you need.
• Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.^[1]
  
  

I still feel the need to caretake my family of origin, especially my sister Alice, who is the only one left in our family other than myself. She has had a really tough time this last couple of years with the illness and death of her husband, the loss of her dog and her cat.

I still feel responsible for her. I want to take away her sadness and grief and make everything rosy and fun. Seeing and hearing her feeling so sad tears a hole in my soul. It is very painful for me. I can’t take away her sadness, nor is it my job. For a long time I could say those words, but I didn’t know if I believed them. Now with a lot of recovery work, I am starting to really accept and believe them. There is a God, it is not me. I am not driving the boat.

God is driving the boat. This realization helps me to accept that everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. It is all happening as a part of God’s plan. Everything is okay. I will just trust God and move forward as he leads me. I will listen to his voice and walk in faith.

I do think my episodes of over-responsibility and caretaking are less frequent and less severe than they used to be. The past two years have been very difficult and painful in the face of family illness. Combine that with my defects and it’s a tough one, but at least my awareness of my tendency to engage in these defects has increased and, as I work my program, I believe the time in-between overly-responsible CoDA crazies will decrease. I’m grateful for that.

I am a work-in-progress. Please be patient. God isn’t finished with me yet. I’m so grateful that I always get another chance to try again.

A program is only a good program if it works for me. Progress is slow but there is progress. I am transforming myself and developing. It’s working. It’s not happening like a lightning rod or a rocket through space, but it is working. I will keep at it until I reach my goals.

Additional practices that help with my over-responsibility and caretaking:

• Music: I listen to and/or play etudes, Handel’s Messiah, and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas on my violin, or sing and play my own music on my guitar when I feel the anxiety that comes with my defect of feeling overly-responsible for others. Playing music relaxes me and helps me realize I don’t have to take care of anyone but myself. 
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is in control. Writing scripture on index cards and reading it throughout the day has been a real source of strength for me. It helps me get through my teaching days easier.
• Program literature: I read Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12), and other literature. This literature helps me get the focus back where it belongs, on myself and my relationship with God.
• Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to stop worrying about other people, to stop trying to fix and take care of them. Since meetings aren’t available in my area every day, I listen to tapes I have made of myself reading a meeting format and step work. Going to a meeting every day in this way has really enhanced my recovery and helped to keep myself in balance.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, taking spin class, and lifting weights always makes me feel better.
• Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps to bring me out of my overly-responsible/caretaking tailspin and back into the present moment. I often combine my workout on the treadmill with reading my gratitude list, which is really affective.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Inner child work: My inner child often sheds light on why I feel like I have to fix a particular person or situation and this helps me to stop feeling like everything is my fault and my responsibility.
• Step work: I work the steps on whatever situation or person is fueling my over-responsibility. I read this work to my sponsor, into a tape recorder or both. Reading the work I’ve done on the principles has been a vital part of my recovery toolbox as I have struggled excessively with over-responsibility and caretaking my whole life.
• Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.
• Give it to God: I place the person and situation I feel overly-responsible for into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.

^[1] Ibid.