Selfishness and Setting Boundaries, Codependency and Selfishness

Selfishness and Setting Boundaries

When I think of selfish, I think of a child who has a toy and won’t let anyone else play with it. So are they selfish or are they setting a boundary? I think maybe they’re setting a b0undary, if it’s their toy. If it is a community toy, then to not share would be selfish. 

When I think of selfishness, I think of me being unwilling to share my dessert with someone. Again, boundaries need to be set here as well. I might be willing to share a few bites. But if the other person starts digging in and taking it all, then I have to stick up for myself. This happened with Brad when we were dating. We were sharing an ice cream from a Coldstone Creamery store and he thought I was getting more than he was so he set a boundary. At the time I was mad at him for it and stopped eating, but now I know he was right.

Selfishness would be me sitting in a seat on the bus while a poor elderly person or a handicapped person really needs it. But I just sit there anyway, so that I can be comfortable. I would never do that. I would always offer them my seat.

Selfishness would be me taking the last brownie and slowly eating it in front of someone else who was able to pick it up. I wouldn’t do that. I would share it.

Selfishness might be me wanting to stay home and do my work when that is the only time I have to spend with my family or a friend. I would have to make choices, set boundaries, and find a way to take care of myself and still see the person. This would be a difficult one for me. I would work on the scheduling until I found something that worked for everyone.

I think I usually take the well-being of others into account. It’s part of my nature to do that.

Codependency and Selfishness

What I’ve noticed about my codependency in relation to my selfishness is that my disease has led me to take care of others for most of my life. Most of my time on this earth has been consumed by what someone else needs, wants, and has to have. Taking care of them has been priority number one, along with feeling their feelings and being the scapegoat for whatever has gone wrong.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Feelings at work here:

• Your moods and actions are my fault.

• If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
• I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll do or be whatever you say.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
• I am less than.^[1]

Juliet’s Feelings:

• This is all my fault. I did something wrong.

• They are right, I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than.
• I am ashamed.
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
• Different from everyone.^[2]

I have focused on the needs of others so much in my life that at one point I woke up and realized I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or how I felt. Then I came to CoDA. I started learning who I was, what I liked and wanted. Most important of all, I strengthened my relationship with God. I learned what He wanted me to do with my life. So when I finally came face-to-face with who I was, who God wanted me to be and what He wanted me to do, I wanted to spend all of my time in that place doing what God wanted me to do.

By this point, my inner child had made me wake up and pay attention. My inner child was saying, “What about me, when do I matter? When do I count?”

I hadn’t had much time to answer those questions and fulfill those requests of hers, making time for her, letting her know she matters, that she counts and that what she wants is important. So in the beginning I may have been a little selfish about my self-care. I was just learning to take care of myself. I am also learning what is mine to take care of and what isn’t. That distinction is really important for me to understand and respond to appropriately.

Positive Affirmations:

• Taking care of myself is not selfish, it’s self-care and that is a good thing.
• It’s okay for me to put myself first.
• Juliet deserves good things.
• Juliet matters.
• Juliet deserves to be happy, even when someone else isn’t.
• Juliet deserves to take time off without feeling guilty, even if someone else is busy or working.

The good news is that as long as I follow my process, I can defuse the feelings I identified above and get all that negative stuff out of there.

^[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

^[2] Ibid.