I Don’t Want to Talk about It

One time, someone sent a letter in the mail addressed to “Mr. James Wright and Maureen.” It upset Mom very much and she ended up not sleeping at the house that night. 

As it turned out, Maureen was a woman Dad was having an affair with.

“Do you know where your mother went or what’s wrong with her?” he asked as I was in the bathroom washing my face. 

“She got something in the mail that upset her. I don’t know if you want to talk about it or not.”

Man, he whipped down those stairs and was out of my range in nothing flat. He wanted nothing to do with that conversation. So I guess the answer was “Heck, no, I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Dad was gone as much as possible.  He gave me money as a way of saying “I love you.”  I would always kind of understand and take it and would be happy about it, like “Thanks Dad!!”

Money meant a lot to Dad as he didn’t grow up with any.  He put himself through law school and worked really, really hard. So when he gave me money, I took it as a sign of love and concern.  I think he meant it that way too.

Dad’s moods and feelings permeated the whole house like an illness.  As long as he was happy, everyone was happy, or at least we tried to be. And when he was stressed or raging, nervousness spread through the family like a raging wildfire through dry brush in the California summer sun. 

I thought I was responsible for my father’s happiness. Was he upset because I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, good enough, quick enough, strong enough, emotionless enough, happy enough, or a boy?  I never got confirmation that Dad really wanted me to be a boy, but my sister told me that Mom had said he really wanted a son.  I’ve heard several people share similar stories about their dad’s wanting sons and getting daughters instead.  I guess it’s quite common.

The more I pleased him, the more I wanted to please him. I was proud he was my dad, at least when I was a little girl.

I felt responsible for the decline of my father’s health and the complications that resulted with his estate during his illness.  Part of me feels like I should have called him on his garbage. Maybe a lot of the aftermath hell could have been avoided. 

I remember looking at my parents and saying to them, “I live really far away and if something is wrong, I’m not going to know unless you tell me.  I hope you will tell me.”

He looked right at me and said, “No one is keeping anything from you.”

I took what he said, swallowed it, and walked away.  In retrospect, I should have called him on it. 

I should have said, “Dad, cut the crap. I know there’s something wrong with you.  Now tell me the truth, because your secretary told me something is going on.”

So what if he would have gotten mad at her, mad at me, or cut me out of the will?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m very grateful for everything my father has given me.  But it won’t do me any good when I get to the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter is not going to say, “Well, you screwed up, but you have money in the bank, so it’s okay.”  I don’t think it works that way. I believe following God is more important than money, any day.  God will always take care of me.  That’s the truth.

I had many dreams about Dad after his death.  The family would be together.  He would be trying to figure something out, or he would be stressing.  People say that loved ones visit you in your dreams and I believe that.

I’m very proud of the way my father focused on charities later in his life.  He was the chairman of the board of governors for the new Shriner’s Crippled Children’s Burns Center Hospital in Boston.  He basically built that hospital from the ground up.  Mom has pictures of him breaking ground with the board.

Anything Dad did wrong, he certainly made up for by building that hospital. 

Dad did the best he could. I did the best I could too. I continue to love my father and to be grateful for all of the love, care and well-being he has given me.  I am also thankful for all I have learned from him.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work:

• Your moods and actions are my fault.
•  If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
•  I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you. 
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you.  Nothing less will do.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

• This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
• They are right, I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than. 
• I am ashamed. 
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.
• I’m not good enough to be here. 

I have positive affirmations which help me with this:

• I am a beloved child of God just because I exist. 
• What other people think of me is none of my business. 
• Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me. 
• I am only responsible for myself
• God loves me. God is in control. I am safe. 
• Trust God and do the next right thing.
• Everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. 
• Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. 
• Just relax.
• Breathe.
• Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
• Stop patterns of negative thinking. I think only positive thoughts about myself and others.
• I live in abundance and gratitude in that I have everything I need to sustain me in this life.

I have mantras that help me with this too:

• Trust God and do the next right thing. 
• This too shall pass
• Easy does it.
• I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him. 
• Let go and let God. 

Thank you, God, for this learning.