Ella

Ella started coming to Stockbridge Central in third grade and we became friends. Ella, Ava, and I used to hang out together.  I remember coming back from my Florida vacation with really short hair.  Ella and Ava were very shocked at my hair, but were really glad to see me.  That felt good.

I went over to Ella’s house one day after school to play. Somehow, we ended up in her living room giggling.  She asked me to take off my clothes, so I did.  We both got the giggles as she asked me to do different stuff.  I started peeing all over the place.  She was disgusted.  I was completely mortified.

I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up and put my clothes on. I was completely humiliated and full of shame. I went up to her and her mother and apologized. I was crying. Her mother was very nice about it.

“Why are you embarrassed?” she said. “Don’t feel badly.”  But I did.  I feel badly to this day.

Looking back on it, why was she asking me to take my clothes off in the first place?  Was she making fun of me?  That’s how it seems now.  I guess she was picking on me and seeing what she could get away with.  We were only eight. Why wasn’t she taking her clothes off?  And why didn’t I say no?  Why didn’t I ask her to take her clothes off?

There were two reasons why I didn’t ask her to take her clothes off. The first reason is because I never would have asked someone to do that.  The second one is that I didn’t know I mattered enough to have an opinion about what someone was doing to me, especially at that age.  I never would have said no to anyone.  I didn’t know that word.  I didn’t know it was okay to say no to anyone.  I was the yes person.  I was the peacemaker, the one who always said yes, hoping to be perfect, hoping to be accepted, hoping to be loved, desperately wanting someone to say I was okay, so I could feel I was okay myself. 

This is another example of bullying and it’s not okay.

I am full of shame about this incident to this day.  Just the thought of it makes me blush.

What I should have realized was that I needed to look to God and within for self-love. God’s love is the only love we ever need.  He teaches us we are loveable.  He teaches us to love ourselves.  How I wish someone had told me that then.

That’s why I think I was so attached to Grandmother Amy.  She taught me how to pray.  She is one of the only people who ever talked to me about God. 

Thank you, God, for having her in my life and for giving me the strength to write this. I love you so.

There were a lot of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at Play Here:

• I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
•  Your moods and actions are my fault.
•  It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
•  I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
•  If you like me, I like me.
•  If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
•  I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
•  I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.
•  Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong. 
•  I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
•  My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
•  I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
•  Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
•  Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
•   I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns

• This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
• They are right, I am wrong. 
• They are going to abandon me.
•  They are going to reject me.
•  I don’t deserve good things.
•  I am less than.
•  I am ashamed.
•  I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.
•  Different from everyone
•  I’m not good enough to be here.

Positive Affirmations that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame: 

• It’s okay to make mistakes every day.
• I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake.
• I will not listen to my inner critic’s lies. I will listen to the truth which is that I am a lovable child of God. 
• God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
• What other people think of me is none of my business, even if it’s good. 
• I am only responsible for myself. 
• I am worthy of love just because I exist.
• I am a beloved child of God just because I exist.
• Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
• Stop patterns of negative thinking, little steps at a time. 
• I forgive myself for judging myself for not being good enough.

Here are some mantras that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame: 

• Change your how-high habit. When someone says jump, I have a habit of saying “how high?” I don’t have to do what everyone else wants me to do anymore. 
• Change your self-judgment habit.
• Set boundaries for yourself.
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Remember your bubble. (My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.) 
• It’s not my fault.
• Don’t take it personally.
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper. (This is another technique that my therapist taught me. Whatever I’m going through, I can imagine it is a headline on the front page of the paper that has some distance from my daily life. I find it helpful.)
• God is in charge. 
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Use your inner wisdom.

This was one of the most painful, embarrassing and shameful experiences of my life. I am still working on self forgiveness for this. I think I will journal about this and burn it. That will help to put the incident to rest. I can also imagine God and I writing the incident on a giant blackboard and then erasing it. That will help too.

Thank you, God, for his learning.