I have a few early memories that I believe foreshadowed my Codependency.
One of these memories took place at a ski area daycare center. I must have been too young to ski, probably around the age of three or four. As I recall, I did something that called for attention from the daycare workers, and they yelled at me severely for it. I was crying hard. I thought, I’m a badperson because I did this . I still have residual effects of this treatment to this day.
I have another memory of my sister, Alice, and me playing in the downstairs hallway on a Sunday afternoon. We had little plastic horses and dolls we were playing with. One of the dolls was named Little Linda. Alice said that Little Linda was going away for a while. The fact that Linda was leaving made me feel really sad. As I look back on it now, Linda represented my sister Alice somehow. This was the first time I was fearful of being abandoned and rejected by my sister.
I remember crying when my first grade teacher, Mrs. Powell, moved me into the second-grade reading group. I had been separated from my peers, which, to me, meant I had done something wrong and was being punished. I felt very sad and didn’t understand what I had done wrong. I cried the whole time I sat there. Mrs. Powell was reading us a story about a girl crying at the breakfast table.
“Annie sat at the breakfast table and her tears landed with a plop in her cereal bowl. Just like Juliet’s,” Mrs. Powell said as I sobbed.
Mrs. Powell was very sweet and would never hurt a fly. I think she probably couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I think subconsciously I was afraid my sister wouldn’t love me anymore if I was as smart as her or at her level in school. So I stayed in first grade.
When I was still in grade school, a lady at a restaurant scolded me and I lied about why. I couldn’t have been more than seven or eight. I was at a salad bar fixing myself a plate. I saw some pickles that looked interesting. I selected one, took a bite, decided I didn’t like it, and put it back in the bucket on the salad bar. A woman saw me perform this angelic transaction.
“Oh, you shouldn’t do that,” she said, shaking her head and frowning at me.
I just happened to have a heaping pile of apple butter on my plate right then. So I went back to the table and told everyone that the lady yelled at me for taking too much apple butter. Fibber! I knew what she was mad at me for. I felt shame about this for a long time. When I did my CoDA 9th Step, I confessed to this little sin. I forgave myself for judging myself for not being perfect.
My jaw dropped as I read the list. I saw myself in every entry. I had tears rolling down my face. I felt my stomach tighten. It really was all my fault. I was really sick. Brad was right. I was responsible for everything that had gone wrong between us. Everything everywhere was my fault. How would I ever recover?
Here is the list I read (presented with further refinements to my own patterns):
Juliet’s Codependency Patterns1
I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
If you’re happy, I’m happy.
Your moods and actions are my fault.
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
If you like me, I like me.
If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
I ignore and ditch all my other friends as you are the center of my world.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.
Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
I am less than.
The recovery facility that was treating Mom for alcoholism had a family weekend that all family of origin members were encouraged to attend. They sent preparatory materials for me to look over before my arrival. In the packet was information about Codependency, including the patterns list.
I read the list sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Hollywood Presbyterian Church waiting for a music teachers meeting to start. I cried when I realized I was reading about myself. This was me! Every single trait on the sheet described how I relate to people. Wow! There was so much wrong with me.
How I felt about myself in almost every relationship and situation could be summed up by the following list:
Juliet’s Feelings2
This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
Different from everyone
I am only worth what I accomplish.
I’m not good enough to be here.
This is my story.
I am writing down this story in an effort to understand my history. I need to know and understand where I’ve been so that I can figure out where I am and where I’m going.
I have decided to look at my codependency as it manifests itself in my relationships with my family of origin, school friends and acquaintances, close friends, romantic partners and within social situations. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of those involved.
I began to write this book in an effort to get all of my recovery and therapy notes in one place so I could refer to it when it’s needed. Therefore, in addition to the relationship material discussed above, this document also includes information about my defects of character as well as my program of recovery.
All of the techniques, exercises, processes and literature contained herein are all part of my program that is helping me heal. My hope is that others reading this will gain insights from it about their own recovery.
My name is Juliet and I am a codependent.
Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
God is still the focus of my life. I am living to do His will. It’s all about living to give Him glory and do what He wants me to do with my life.
I still practice acceptance that everything is happening as God intended it to happen. God is in control and he is everywhere. He is with me in Quaker Meeting, CoDA meetings, at my YMCA, at my home, in my car, at school, in the woods, and at the beach. I am never alone.
I am closer to God than at any other time in my life. He has brought me to this place of recovery. He has led me to write both of my books and do the work in their pages. He has led me to write my music and record my CDs. He has brought me to this wonderful place in my life. God is always with me and I am grateful.
The Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous are still a regular part of my recovery program. I try to read them every day. They motivate me to keep going when times get rough, by reminding me that there is light and recovery at the end of the tunnel.
The 12 Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous
I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the 12 Steps and follow the 12 Traditions…
1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity, and dignity.
3. I know a new freedom.
4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely loveable, loving, and loved.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
8. I learn that it is possible for me to mend — to become more loving, intimate, and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
11. I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.[1]
Thoughts on the Promises
I was reading the 12 Promises a short time ago and I had a revelation. While all of the promises are slowly coming true for me in my life, there are a few that stuck out. These are Promises 6, 7, 10, and 11.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.[2]
I used to always see myself as less than compared to others. Thanks to working my program that is changing. I am starting to see myself as equal to others.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.[3]
I am learning to maintain relationships with people who are trustworthy, honest, and direct. I am learning to avoid having relationships with people who are controlling, indirect, and manipulative. As a result, I communicate better with others, have more self-confidence, and have healthier relationships in my life.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.[4]
I used to determine my self-worth by what others thought of me. I don’t have to do that today. I am learning that I’m a worthy, beloved child of God, just because He loves me. I only have to look to Him to provide my sense of worth and He does. I don’t have to get my self-worth from others.
11. I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.[5]
I am trying to stay in a constant state of prayer. This has me in much closer contact to God than I ever have been. As a result, I am very tuned in to His guidance. I am learning to trust myself when I receive directions from Him and to follow whatever He tells me to do. I have more confidence now in my ability to discern God’s voice and guidance and to follow them.
I am very grateful for the 12 Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous, and I will continue to use them as part of my daily recovery program.
[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CODA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. vii.
Finishing my positive character traits inventory helped me to see that I am a worthy person, who is capable of being loving, patient, humble, giving, and serene. Doing this inventory reminds me not only to practice these positive behaviors and principles but also that I can always become more loving, patient, humble, and giving.
Recently I was listening to one of my bible study tapes and the scripture being studied was 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, the famous love chapter. As I listened to this well-known passage, I thought to myself, What would it be like if I substituted myself for the word love? That might help me remember to be more loving, patient, humble, giving, and serene.
So I did that. Here’s how it turned out.
1 If Juliet speaks in the tongues of men or of angels, but does not have love, she is only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If she has the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if she has a faith that can move mountains, but does not have love, she is nothing. 3 If she gives all she possesses to the poor and gives over her body to hardship that she may boast, but does not have love, she gains nothing.
4 Juliet is patient, Juliet is kind. She does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. 5 She does not dishonor others. She is not self-seeking, she is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Juliet does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 She always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Juliet never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When Juliet was a child, she talked like a child, she thought like a child, she reasoned like a child. When she became a woman, she put the ways of childhood behind her. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.[1]
In the entry below, I share my thoughts on heaven, hell, and purgatory in relation to some oil paintings I had done of those places. I also describe my hell on earth as me dealing with my defects of character.
I had a really interesting conversation with my friend Sue yesterday about heaven, hell, and purgatory. This talk had been activated by three oil paintings of the same names that I had created over the past weeks. One looks like what I think heaven would be like — greens and blues, beautiful, serene, calming, and placid. Purgatory has some reds in it, but also includes a state of brownish, yellow confusion that has not quite given into the red burning state. Hell has a greenish yellow sky with red on the bottom.
Sue asked me to explain myself. Did I really think there was a hell where I’d go if I’m bad and then burn for all eternity? And what is purgatory? If I’m in heaven, am I flying around with a harp and wings? She then went on to suggest that we create our own heaven, hell, and purgatory on this planet.
So what does Juliet think? I think that heaven is a place where I’d go to be with God. I’ll be with Christ. It will be a comfortable place. I think hell is a place where I would be separated from God for eternity. That would be lame. I wouldn’t like that. I’m not sure about purgatory in terms of it being another place, unless I am such a confusing messed-up case when I get there that they’d say, “Hold up, we need to get our confused-mess intervention team to figure her out. Throw her in purgatory until the committee can convene.”
I do agree with Sue that I have the ability to create my own heaven, purgatory, and hell right on this planet. Heaven is lying in my bed at night listening to the train go by. Heaven is also sitting under the stars at Tanglewood listening to music that only God could have created. Heaven is sundried tomato, feta, and cheese pizza, followed by a really good glass of Cabernet, topped off with a chocolate dessert. Heaven is my music, my writing, my art, and my cabin, my Quaker Meeting. It is the sweet, smiling face of one of my students who comes up to give me a hug and is glad to see me. It is a sweet student who tries their best to play in front of all of their peers. That is heaven.
Purgatory was waiting to hear about how my brother-in-law was doing after one of his many surgeries, when they were trying to save his life. It was waiting for that stupid, evil tumor of his to go away. (It didn’t and he died in 2014.)
Purgatory is spending hours fretting over a violin that someone thinks I lost and I’ve looked in every classroom, closet, car, truck, boat, plane, trashcan, rock, and spaceship to find it. And it is nowhere. Purgatory is me being lost in my defect of indecision, not knowing where to turn next.
My hell on earth is being swallowed up by my defects of character. My inner critic is always trying to devour me, fueling my low self-esteem, which is torture. Hell is me lying awake obsessing over a disagreement I had with a friend, or a family member, convinced that they will never speak to me again; now they know how truly awful I am, the secret is out and I’ll be alone forever. Then fear of abandonment and fear of rejection join in on the bullying session. Then I obsess about how I can fix it. I obsess because I am codependent, you see, and that was part of my job in my family of origin. I was supposed to be perfect and fix things. If I just obsess long enough, I’ll figure it out. I’ll make them love me, I’ll figure out how to beat the cancer, the lost violin will fall right through the roof of my cabin. If I beat myself up enough, maybe I can turn back the clock and erase that stupid thing I said to my student and not be defensive around them. Hell is feeling helpless over the illness of a loved one or family member. Yes, my defects do create hell on earth.
As I’ve noted earlier, I find that my salvation lies in my creativity. Creating music and art helps me survive. I always feel better after playing my violin or my guitar. And writing songs is my lifesaver — lots of songs. Listening to Mozart and Benjamin Britten also helps me climb out of the hellish pit of depression and helplessness. That and, of course, surrendering to God. Surrendering in prayer is essential.
I don’t think I’m headed for a roasting pan. Instead, I have to try to avoid putting myself in it right here on Earth. At the same time, that beautiful, serene, calming, wonderful place called heaven is real to me and I look forward to meeting Christ, shaking Peter’s hand, and taking Paul’s class on Romans. And I’m sure they’ll have plenty of art and music studios there in which I can create whenever I want. Tanglewood will be there too, of course, heaven style, with plenty of great lawn space, stars, and beautiful music. Sounds heavenly to me. Sign me up!
In this entry, I discuss the possibility of us being co-creators with God of our life here on Earth and my feelings about that as it relates to my beliefs about God’s sovereignty over my life.
I am continuing my study of Listening Spirituality, Volume II: Corporate Spiritual Practice Among Friends, and I came across a passage that has been really bothering me for several months now. The passage in question appears in a section that discusses focusing on a particular dynamic in your relationship with God as a co-creator of your future, as opposed to attempting to discern God’s will for your life. Thomas Merton states that basically people act like God has plan or map for their life in a drawer somewhere and that we think all we have to do is find the right drawer containing the right map and we’ll be all set and on our way. He says it’s not like that. There is no predestined plan for us because we are co-creating the plan with God. He says it is more like a great improvisation that is constantly unfolding.[1]
What? You mean there is no blueprint for Juliet’s life? Really? I don’t want to think that is true. What if it was? What if I’m really entirely responsible for all my choices and unlike Robert Frost, who chose the right road not taken, I chose the wrong one and end up in a mess? I mean I’m human. I’m human, self-centered, selfish, can’t get out my own way. Man, don’t put me in charge! Yikes! And besides, I was never that great at improvisation. The improv classes I took at the University of Miami were really gnarly and made me sweat buckets, even in rooms that were cold enough to hang meat.
And what about the following passage from the bible?
Before you were formed in the womb I knew you. I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord Almighty.
~ Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV)
To me this scripture makes it pretty clear that God does have a plan for my life. Was Merton disagreeing with scripture? As a monk I am certain he was familiar with this well known verse. Maybe he means that since there is that of God in me that it’s like I am co-creating my plan but it freaks me out. What if I make the wrong choices and create the wrong thing? That bothers me.
The bible also tells us:
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
~ Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)
I can see how we are co-creators in the sense that we have been given free will and can choose to follow God or not. We can choose to get to know, love, and make God first in our life or not. So in that sense, I suppose we could be creating the blueprint of our lives.
In Step 3, I choose to turn my life over to the God of my understanding:
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.[2]
So I am a co-creator in the sense that I choose to turn my life over. I have free will and can choose to hand Him the reigns or not. In Step 3, I handed Him the reigns and let Him have the driver’s seat.
But there is more. I choose to believe that God does have a plan for my life. If I remain in a constant state of prayer, listen for His guidance, and practice unreserved obedience to Him, I think I will be able to follow His blueprint for my life.
I am also a co-creator in that I have to choose to keep listening and doing what he wants me to do.
I think that is another place in my life where Step 11 comes in:
11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.[3]
I have to stop whatever it is that I’m doing, go sit in prayer and meditation every day, and spend time with Him. I need to spend time in scripture. Reading scripture helps me to learn more about God. The more I get to know Him, the more I will begin to listen and understand His plans for my life. In that sense, I am a co-creator.
Maybe there is a blueprint for how God wants my life to go, but if I indulge my stubbornness, selfishness, and self-will and let that take over and go my own way, then another, less ideal blueprint is created. Then I could goof it up. That is a scary thought. Hopefully I won’t do that.
Okay, so maybe I won’t find a drawer with a map in it. But I’ve never been good at reading maps anyway, and even with my new GPS that my sister and brother-in-law so lovingly gave to me for Christmas one year, I am an expert in getting lost. So hopefully the map is really a spiritual blueprint that can be discerned through prayer, meditation, and the study of scripture.
I find great comfort, promise, faith, and hope in the scriptures. They have gotten me through many tough times. I believe they are the inspired word of God.
I also believe that God will provide for me everything that I need. He will fill the empty space inside of me. He will be my companion, savior, protector, friend, and deliverer. I don’t need anyone else. God is here. Juliet needs to keep her eyes on Christ and what He wants her to do.
What a revelation! Thank you, God!
And I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding,
with knowledge and with all kinds of skills.
~ Exodus 31:3
I do believe God has a plan for me that was created before I even came down to this planet. That is what works for Juliet.
I have a positive affirmation that relates to this topic:
God has a plan for my life better than I could have orchestrated. I give my life to him and let go.
God has a plan for Juliet’s life. So whether it is a blueprint, map, diagram, or drawing, I will use the tools I have to seek it and follow God’s path. Nothing I ever do in this life could be more important.
[1] Loring, Patricia. Listening Spirituality Volume II, Corporate Spiritual Practice among Friends. Openings Press, 1999.
[2] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.
I have made a list of the personality traits of my Higher Power. I use this list when I need a little faith boost. Reading this list reminds me that my God is in control of my life. He is loving, wise, forgiving, patient, and faithful. He is everything on this list. So when I’m caught in the middle of an obsession, panic attack, shame attack, or dealing with my over-responsibility, I can read this list and remember that I don’t have to fix it. God is in control. All I have to do is what he wants me to do. I don’t have to do it perfectly either. I just have to do my best.
Another one of the very helpful tools I received from working with my sponsor is an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude is a great tool for me. It helps me beat the blues and keep going. I spoke of my gratitude list in my first book, and I list it throughout this book as a tool as well. In the following journal entry, I describe how I used gratitude to get myself through a challenging day.
God help me to always be grateful. God, when I’m rageful, resentful, or blue, please help me to remember to be grateful to you for all I have. Help me to remember to read my gratitude list. I have so many great things on that list. I have a great life. I have my wonderful, merciful, forgiving, patient God, my health, a beautiful home, a great job, fabulous family, and friends. I have my music, my book, my instruments, art, and creativity. The sun is out and there are flowers in my yard. I get vacations. Life is truly wonderful.
The other day I was running late for the dentist and when I did finally get there, it didn’t go well. I don’t brush right and the hygienist sure let me know. I got specific instructions. Okay, fine. I’m not perfect. And I pay the price. Ouch. The dentist, hygienist, and secretary were very nice. I did get a lecture about how badly I’m brushing my teeth but… I guess you can’t have everything.
The issue with being late for the dentist led to me being late for my private students. I have the best parents in the world because they were both so flexible and understanding. The dentist, hygienist, and secretary did everything they could to accommodate me and help me get out the door to my lessons. I appreciate all of these people and I am lucky to know them. Plus I raised my lesson prices and none of the parents that are employing me have blinked an eye about it. I am grateful.
The other day, a friend of mine was sharing with me about how her in-laws are already asking for money from her recently deceased husband’s estate. They are also asking her to forfeit her share of some of the money as they are having financial issues. I was horrified at their inappropriate behavior.
This, however, is a lesson for me. It’s a reminder for me to always be grateful for what I have and give freely to others, whether it’s time, money, or labor. It means taking 12 Step calls when they happen and giving people the time and ear they need. Thank you God for helping me to be empathetic, patient, and compassionate. Thank you God for taking away my greed and selfishness.
I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those
who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary
to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.
~ Romans 16:17 (NIV)
One can never have enough gratitude to God. He gives us everything and is everything.
One of the most beneficial lessons I have learned through working my program is that all I have is this moment and I need to cherish that. In the following journal entry, I explore this idea.
It’s Not All or Nothing
I used to be an “all or nothing” black and white thinker. Either it was all bad or all good. I need all of Sunday off or I need this or that or I won’t be happy. Now every moment that I get that is softer and easier is a blessing from God. If I can just take it moment-by-moment and not have it be “all or nothing,” I’ll be doing okay. I’ll be making progress.
Take today for example. I had a great Quaker Meeting for worship and stayed awake through the whole thing. As a result, I had a really good day. Then I had a great session with my sponsor. Good recovery is taking place. Alice called after 8 pm and I still answered the phone. I was kind and sweet and wanted to talk to her. I stared at my Tanglewood picture the whole time and took myself there in my mind. I heard the soft breeze sifting through the trees and felt it on my face, grateful for its cooling effects after a hot day. As if at Tanglewood, I smelled the bug spray that I had applied amply to my body to protect me from vicious bugs. I could hear the Emerson String Quartet playing Mozart’s String Quartet #15 in DMinor. Good stuff. I did good.
What I am learning is that this life is not “all or nothing.” It’s about moments. Every moment that I get that is pain-free, obsession-free, and worry-free, in which I am accepting and going with whatever is happening, is a good one. Every instant that is not catastrophic, heart-pounding, or stuffed with that gut-aching despair and sadness is a gift. Every time I follow up a negative thought with a positive thought is a victory.
Recently, at our annual Quaker Sessions, we were asked to let there be “no more weeping and wailing.” Let’s just truly experience and accept where we are at today. Let us be joyful even with the tensions that exist in our lives because ultimately God listens and we listen.
I need to cherish this moment. It’s all I have. Some moments are joyful, some are very, very sad. Some make my heart race. Some are peaceful. When I’m sitting out on the porch of my Vermont cabin listening to the brook babble below, that is a peaceful moment. That is my own piece of heaven. I will focus on that.
If what it took was my dear brother-in-law getting sick with brain cancer to get me to learn to live in the moment that is pretty sad. But at least I’m getting to the point where I’m not always thinking, “This is what’s going to happen tomorrow and that is happening next week.” That is progress. This moment is good. This moment is fine. I can deal with it.
The future is a loosely knit sweater that could be pulled out at any time. Let’s just live for today. Make loose plans for the future. Just for today I’m going to do this. Just for this moment, I will have God write my book for me. Just for today, I will work on my book first before practicing. Live in the moment. That is the answer.
It’s time to abandon the idea that I have any clue about what the future holds. Holding tightly to any fixed point in space that’s in the future is futile.
I will strive to live in this instant and to bring joy there. I don’t know what the next 5 minutes are going to bring. But I know in this moment I can take in everything that’s happening and find a way to be joyful and thankful to God for it. It’s not “all or nothing” forever; it is this moment and that’s all.
