Blog of Juliet Wright, Author and Musician

04 Jul 2025

comments

0

Mom’s Drinking

When I look into your eyes

There’s just emptiness inside

Half-seas-over one more time

There’s no turning back

There’s nothing left for me

Are you falling on the floor again?

Wishing he were home again

You know I feel the same my friend

I think it’s time for this to end

I guess it’s me and Jack again

Tonight

My mother was an alcoholic. She drank heavily as I was growing up and spent the larger part of 40 years going in and out of recovery.

Her drinking started when my father got disbarred due to a conflict of interest scandal in his law practice. I was six going on seven at the time. Mom had to testify and stand by his side in a very public trial. She had been abusing barbiturates and that abuse escalated at that time also.

It’s not easy living with someone who has the disease of alcoholism. The way the disease works, the whole family has it, so everyone ends up feeding each other the same garbage over and over in different ways. No one gets better until someone gets into treatment. And getting someone into treatment is difficult, especially if they don’t want to go. And if they don’t want to go, don’t send them because it’s not going to work. This was the 70s and I didn’t know about Al-Anon and CoDA wasn’t around yet. And if you think you could ever get my dad to go to one of those groups, forget it.

My mother’s disease was severe. When Mom was drinking, she had to have alcohol in her system all the time or she started going through withdrawal. As a result, when she was using, there was booze hidden all over the house. You could find it in the cupboards, behind the canned goods, under the butcher’s block, in the orange juice, in the corner of every closet, in the flowerbed, under the bathroom sink, in the bathroom cabinets, in her purse in a flask, and in the car in the cubby.

She definitely used to drink and drive. Mom drove drunk all the time with us in the car, with a toddy in the cubby and never got caught. You could drive drunk forever in Vermont and not get caught in the 70s. Or maybe it was just my mother who never got caught. She had an angel on her shoulder. My sponsor told me most alcoholics do.

She dried out several times before finally committing to sobriety. The last time she dried out was in February of 2005. She remained in recovery until October 30, 2010, when she unfortunately relapsed. I was sad, but tried to detach.

For most of my life, I thought that Mom’s drinking was my fault. If I was perfect, she wouldn’t drink.

Here is a list of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns[1] that tend to raise their heads in relationship to my mothers drinking:

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.

If you’re happy, I’m happy.

Your moods and actions are my fault.

If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.

It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.

I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.

If you like me, I like me.

If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.

I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.

Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.

I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.

I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.

I am less than.

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

Here is a list of Juliet’s Feelings[1] that tend to raise their heads in relationship to my mothers drinking:

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.

They are right, I am wrong.

They are going to abandon me.

They are going to reject me.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone

I am only worth what I accomplish.

I’m not good enough to be here.

Thank heavens I am in recovery and am learning to replace these old behaviors and feelings patterns with ones that serve me better.

[1] Ibid.

30 Jun 2025

comments

0

Mom

My mother was one of the strongest people I knew. She died 14 years ago come April. I can only hope to be as strong as she was someday. I trust that she is looking down on me from heaven, sending me some of her strength because I sure need it. Despite everything she had been through, which was a lot, she still got up every day, put her makeup on, and did what she could to fulfill her dreams. I admire that. She was one of the most loving, giving, caring, sensitive, compassionate, creative, and talented people I have ever met.

She could also be one of the most cunning, manipulative, critical, judgmental, and dishonest people I ever knew. Mom would put her acting talents to work and pull the wool over people’s eyes on a regular basis. She could talk anyone into and make anyone believe anything.

It is only after going through some of the most painful emotional experiences and lessons of recent times that I can even begin to fathom the horrible garbage she went through. But she still kept going. We didn’t see eye to eye on that much stuff. But I sure admired her stamina and strength of spirit.

As I look back now on our history together, I believe that she did the best she could to be a good mother to me. That was the most she could give and she gave it.

My relationship with my mother is one of the primary relationships that brought me to Codependents Anonymous (CoDA).

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns[1] Present With Mom

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.

If you’re happy, I’m happy.

Your moods and actions are my fault.

If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.

It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.

I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.

If you like me, I like me.

If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.

I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.

I am less than.

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns Present With Mom

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.

They are right, I am wrong.

They are going to abandon me.

They are going to reject me.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone

I am only worth what I accomplish.

I’m not good enough to be here.

It would take many years of program work to undo these codependency and feelings patterns.

[1] Ibid.

27 Jun 2025

comments

0

Early Memories of a Ham

I started my music career in the first grade when I got a solo in the Christmas show at Stockbridge Central School. I don’t remember what I sang. I think I was always a ham though.

When my sister and I had our first dance recital, I saw Dad in the audience, so I stopped and said, “Hi Daddy,” and waved to him. Everyone laughed.

I used to play Karen Carpenter songs on my guitar for my seventh-grade friends and I think they liked it.

I was the Artful Dodger in the musical Oliver Twist eighth grade and did well in the role. I never missed a line.

I played “Cold as Ice” by Foreigner to Greg Carpenter, my first guitar teacher, but was too shy to sing.

By the time I got to the Arts Academy, the private music high school I attended, I would develop stage fright to such an extent that I could barely play.

These were my earliest memories of codependent behaviors.

Juliet’s codependency patterns:

I am not conscious of my own moods. I am conscious of your moods.

If you like me, I like me.

If you think I’m good, I think I’m god.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.

I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings:

This is all my fault. I did something wrong.

They are right. I am wrong.

They are going to abandon me.

They are going to reject me.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I am bad and now everyone knows it.

I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone.

I am only worth what I accomplish.

I’m not good enough to be here.

15 Feb 2025

comments

0

Grandpa Roman

Darlin’, won’t you come over here And sit on my lap?
I need some cheering up .
Let your skirt slip up,
Your mamma will never know . Don’t tell anyone .

(Don’t Tell Anyone, from Fearless Moral Inventory,
by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

I dread the dream, You know it’s you . On the kitchen counter, What you shouldn’t do . Your curiosity
Got the best of me .
I know it wasn’t right Your little fantasy .

(Dread the Dream, from Fearless Moral Inventory,
by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

I was doing some inner-child work and uncovered a memory I had buried from long ago. This memory involved my maternal grandfather, Grandpa Roman. While visiting our farm one summer, he was down in the kitchen cooking.

I had, in my typical fashion, gotten up before anyone else so I could sneak downstairs and eat brown sugar right out of the box. When I arrived downstairs, Grandpa was already down there cooking. I remember being with him for a few minutes and then feeling really sad. He asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t express to him what was wrong, I just cried. I don’t remember what else happened then except that I felt unsafe around him.

Many years later, I spoke with a woman who acted as a governess to my sister and me in the summer and on the weekends. She said that Grandpa Roman was inappropriate with her. He would make suggestive comments and hold her in ways that made her feel uncomfortable. She never said aword about it to anyone. I didn’t either. Don’t tell anyone.

21 Jan 2025

comments

0

My Earliest Memories

I have a few early memories that I believe foreshadowed my Codependency.

One of these memories took place at a ski area daycare center. I must have been too young to ski, probably around the age of three or four. As I recall, I did something that called for attention from the daycare workers, and they yelled at me severely for it. I was crying hard. I thought, I’m a bad person because I did this . I still have residual effects of this treatment to this day.

I have another memory of my sister, Alice, and me playing in the downstairs hallway on a Sunday afternoon. We had little plastic horses and dolls we were playing with. One of the dolls was named Little Linda. Alice said that Little Linda was going away for a while. The fact that Linda was leaving made me feel really sad. As I look back on it now, Linda represented my sister Alice somehow. This was the first time I was fearful of being abandoned and rejected by my sister.

I remember crying when my first grade teacher, Mrs. Powell, moved me into the second-grade reading group. I had been separated from my peers, which, to me, meant I had done something wrong and was being punished. I felt very sad and didn’t understand what I had done wrong. I cried the whole time I sat there. Mrs. Powell was reading us a story about a girl crying at the breakfast table.

“Annie sat at the breakfast table and her tears landed with a plop in her cereal bowl. Just like Juliet’s,” Mrs. Powell said as I sobbed.

Mrs. Powell was very sweet and would never hurt a fly. I think she probably couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I think subconsciously I was afraid my sister wouldn’t love me anymore if I was as smart as her or at her level in school. So I stayed in first grade.

When I was still in grade school, a lady at a restaurant scolded me and I lied about why. I couldn’t have been more than seven or eight. I was at a salad bar fixing myself a plate. I saw some pickles that looked interesting. I selected one, took a bite, decided I didn’t like it, and put it back in the bucket on the salad bar. A woman saw me perform this angelic transaction.

“Oh, you shouldn’t do that,” she said, shaking her head and frowning at me.

I just happened to have a heaping pile of apple butter on my plate right then. So I went back to the table and told everyone that the lady yelled at me for taking too much apple butter. Fibber! I knew what she was mad at me for. I felt shame about this for a long time. When I did my CoDA 9th Step, I confessed to this little sin. I forgave myself for judging myself for not being perfect.

26 Dec 2024

comments

0

IT REALLY IS TRUE

My jaw dropped as I read the list. I saw myself in every entry. I had tears rolling down my face. I felt my stomach tighten. It really was all my fault. I was really sick. Brad was right. I was responsible for everything that had gone wrong between us. Everything everywhere was my fault. How would I ever recover?

Here is the list I read (presented with further refinements to my own patterns):

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns1

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.

If you’re happy, I’m happy.

Your moods and actions are my fault.

If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.

It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.

I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.

If you like me, I like me.

If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.

I ignore and ditch all my other friends as you are the center of my world.

I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.

I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.

Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.

I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.

I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.

I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.

I am less than.

The recovery facility that was treating Mom for alcoholism had a family weekend that all family of origin members were encouraged to attend. They sent preparatory materials for me to look over before my arrival. In the packet was information about Codependency, including the patterns list.

I read the list sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Hollywood Presbyterian Church waiting for a music teachers meeting to start. I cried when I realized I was reading about myself. This was me! Every single trait on the sheet described how I relate to people. Wow! There was so much wrong with me.

How I felt about myself in almost every relationship and situation could be summed up by the following list:

Juliet’s Feelings2

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.

They are right, I am wrong.

They are going to abandon me.

They are going to reject me.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone

I am only worth what I accomplish.

I’m not good enough to be here.

This is my story.

I am writing down this story in an effort to understand my history. I need to know and understand where I’ve been so that I can figure out where I am and where I’m going.

I have decided to look at my codependency as it manifests itself in my relationships with my family of origin, school friends and acquaintances, close friends, romantic partners and within social situations. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of those involved.

I began to write this book in an effort to get all of my recovery and therapy notes in one place so I could refer to it when it’s needed. Therefore, in addition to the relationship material discussed above, this document also includes information about my defects of character as well as my program of recovery.

All of the techniques, exercises, processes and literature contained herein are all part of my program that is helping me heal. My hope is that others reading this will gain insights from it about their own recovery.

My name is Juliet and I am a codependent.

Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
Ibid.

14 Dec 2024

comments

0

It’s All About God

God is still the focus of my life. I am living to do His will. It’s all about living to give Him glory and do what He wants me to do with my life.

I still practice acceptance that everything is happening as God intended it to happen. God is in control and he is everywhere. He is with me in Quaker Meeting, CoDA meetings, at my YMCA, at my home, in my car, at school, in the woods, and at the beach. I am never alone.

I am closer to God than at any other time in my life. He has brought me to this place of recovery. He has led me to write both of my books and do the work in their pages. He has led me to write my music and record my CDs. He has brought me to this wonderful place in my life. God is always with me and I am grateful.

07 Sep 2024

comments

0

The Promises and Thoughts on the Promises

The Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous are still a regular part of my recovery program. I try to read them every day. They motivate me to keep going when times get rough, by reminding me that there is light and recovery at the end of the tunnel.

The 12 Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous

I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the 12 Steps and follow the 12 Traditions…

1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity, and dignity.

3. I know a new freedom.

4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.

5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely loveable, loving, and loved.

6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.

7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.

8. I learn that it is possible for me to mend — to become more loving, intimate, and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.

9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.

10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.

11. I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.

12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.^[1]

Thoughts on the Promises

I was reading the 12 Promises a short time ago and I had a revelation. While all of the promises are slowly coming true for me in my life, there are a few that stuck out. These are Promises 6, 7, 10, and 11.

6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.^[2]

I used to always see myself as less than compared to others. Thanks to working my program that is changing. I am starting to see myself as equal to others.

7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.^[3]

I am learning to maintain relationships with people who are trustworthy, honest, and direct. I am learning to avoid having relationships with people who are controlling, indirect, and manipulative. As a result, I communicate better with others, have more self-confidence, and have healthier relationships in my life.

10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.^[4]

I used to determine my self-worth by what others thought of me. I don’t have to do that today. I am learning that I’m a worthy, beloved child of God, just because He loves me. I only have to look to Him to provide my sense of worth and He does. I don’t have to get my self-worth from others.

11. I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.^[5]

I am trying to stay in a constant state of prayer. This has me in much closer contact to God than I ever have been. As a result, I am very tuned in to His guidance. I am learning to trust myself when I receive directions from Him and to follow whatever He tells me to do. I have more confidence now in my ability to discern God’s voice and guidance and to follow them.

I am very grateful for the 12 Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous, and I will continue to use them as part of my daily recovery program.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CODA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. vii.

^[2] Ibid.

^[3] Ibid.

^[4] Ibid.

^[5] Ibid.

31 Aug 2024

comments

0

JULIET’S THIRTEEN

Finishing my positive character traits inventory helped me to see that I am a worthy person, who is capable of being loving, patient, humble, giving, and serene. Doing this inventory reminds me not only to practice these positive behaviors and principles but also that I can always become more loving, patient, humble, and giving.

Recently I was listening to one of my bible study tapes and the scripture being studied was 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, the famous love chapter. As I listened to this well-known passage, I thought to myself, What would it be like if I substituted myself for the word love? That might help me remember to be more loving, patient, humble, giving, and serene.

So I did that. Here’s how it turned out.

1 If Juliet speaks in the tongues of men or of angels, but does not have love, she is only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If she has the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if she has a faith that can move mountains, but does not have love, she is nothing. 3 If she gives all she possesses to the poor and gives over her body to hardship that she may boast, but does not have love, she gains nothing.

4 Juliet is patient, Juliet is kind. She does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. 5 She does not dishonor others. She is not self-seeking, she is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Juliet does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 She always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Juliet never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When Juliet was a child, she talked like a child, she thought like a child, she reasoned like a child. When she became a woman, she put the ways of childhood behind her. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.^[1]

^[1] Adapted from First Corinthians, Chapter 13.

10 Aug 2024

comments

0

Heaven, Hell and Purgatory

He chases me

Throughout the day and night

Breathing lies

Until I think he’s right.

Why must we endure this test

Can’t it just be laid to rest

And finally

Set us free.

Where are you?

When I need you most?

My mighty warrior

When will you save me

From this wicked worm

That tortures my soul

Bring it under control

~ My Mighty Warrior by Juliet A. Wright

In the entry below, I share my thoughts on heaven, hell, and purgatory in relation to some oil paintings I had done of those places. I also describe my hell on earth as me dealing with my defects of character.

I had a really interesting conversation with my friend Sue yesterday about heaven, hell, and purgatory. This talk had been activated by three oil paintings of the same names that I had created over the past weeks. One looks like what I think heaven would be like — greens and blues, beautiful, serene, calming, and placid. Purgatory has some reds in it, but also includes a state of brownish, yellow confusion that has not quite given into the red burning state. Hell has a greenish yellow sky with red on the bottom.

Sue asked me to explain myself. Did I really think there was a hell where I’d go if I’m bad and then burn for all eternity? And what is purgatory? If I’m in heaven, am I flying around with a harp and wings? She then went on to suggest that we create our own heaven, hell, and purgatory on this planet.

So what does Juliet think? I think that heaven is a place where I’d go to be with God. I’ll be with Christ. It will be a comfortable place. I think hell is a place where I would be separated from God for eternity. That would be lame. I wouldn’t like that. I’m not sure about purgatory in terms of it being another place, unless I am such a confusing messed-up case when I get there that they’d say, “Hold up, we need to get our confused-mess intervention team to figure her out. Throw her in purgatory until the committee can convene.”

I do agree with Sue that I have the ability to create my own heaven, purgatory, and hell right on this planet. Heaven is lying in my bed at night listening to the train go by. Heaven is also sitting under the stars at Tanglewood listening to music that only God could have created. Heaven is sundried tomato, feta, and cheese pizza, followed by a really good glass of Cabernet, topped off with a chocolate dessert. Heaven is my music, my writing, my art, and my cabin, my Quaker Meeting. It is the sweet, smiling face of one of my students who comes up to give me a hug and is glad to see me. It is a sweet student who tries their best to play in front of all of their peers. That is heaven.

Purgatory was waiting to hear about how my brother-in-law was doing after one of his many surgeries, when they were trying to save his life. It was waiting for that stupid, evil tumor of his to go away. (It didn’t and he died in 2014.)

Purgatory is spending hours fretting over a violin that someone thinks I lost and I’ve looked in every classroom, closet, car, truck, boat, plane, trashcan, rock, and spaceship to find it. And it is nowhere. Purgatory is me being lost in my defect of indecision, not knowing where to turn next.

My hell on earth is being swallowed up by my defects of character. My inner critic is always trying to devour me, fueling my low self-esteem, which is torture. Hell is me lying awake obsessing over a disagreement I had with a friend, or a family member, convinced that they will never speak to me again; now they know how truly awful I am, the secret is out and I’ll be alone forever. Then fear of abandonment and fear of rejection join in on the bullying session. Then I obsess about how I can fix it. I obsess because I am codependent, you see, and that was part of my job in my family of origin. I was supposed to be perfect and fix things. If I just obsess long enough, I’ll figure it out. I’ll make them love me, I’ll figure out how to beat the cancer, the lost violin will fall right through the roof of my cabin. If I beat myself up enough, maybe I can turn back the clock and erase that stupid thing I said to my student and not be defensive around them. Hell is feeling helpless over the illness of a loved one or family member. Yes, my defects do create hell on earth.

As I’ve noted earlier, I find that my salvation lies in my creativity. Creating music and art helps me survive. I always feel better after playing my violin or my guitar. And writing songs is my lifesaver — lots of songs. Listening to Mozart and Benjamin Britten also helps me climb out of the hellish pit of depression and helplessness. That and, of course, surrendering to God. Surrendering in prayer is essential.

I don’t think I’m headed for a roasting pan. Instead, I have to try to avoid putting myself in it right here on Earth. At the same time, that beautiful, serene, calming, wonderful place called heaven is real to me and I look forward to meeting Christ, shaking Peter’s hand, and taking Paul’s class on Romans. And I’m sure they’ll have plenty of art and music studios there in which I can create whenever I want. Tanglewood will be there too, of course, heaven style, with plenty of great lawn space, stars, and beautiful music. Sounds heavenly to me. Sign me up!