Blog of Juliet Wright, Author and Musician

17 Oct 2026

comments

Homesick Early

Despite all of the turmoil at home, I got homesick when I went out of the house. I couldn’t even go to my friend Ava’s overnight without crying and going to her mom and saying, “I’m homesick.” Like the Pilate family, Ava lived in Pittsfield, which was really close to Stockbridge where I lived. I never made Ava’s parents take me home though. Even so, I felt responsible for my parents’ feelings and there I was leaving them at home, lonely and miserable. Wasn’t I supposed to be protecting Mom from Dad? If I was there, wouldn’t they have to be nice to each other? I usually called home and then felt better. I remember even on my wedding night, calling home to talk to my family, worried that they were sad and lonely. I was so codependent.

It’s interesting that even in the midst of all the pain and dysfunction of my family of origin, much of the time, I only felt safe in that environment. When I left home, I was homesick. They were my family. It was all I knew.

Here are some of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns that were operating here in regard to my parents and my perception of their feelings when I was gone:

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
Your moods and actions are my fault.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.

Positive Affirmations that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame:

I will not listen to my inner critic’s lies. I will listen to the truth which is that I am a lovable child of God.
I am only responsible for myself.
I am worthy of love just because I exist.
I am a beloved child of God just because I exist.
Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
Stop patterns of negative thinking, little steps at a time.

Here are some mantras that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame:

Change your self-judgment habit.
Set boundaries for yourself.
It’s not my fault.
Don’t take it personally.
Treat it like the front page of the newspaper. (This is another technique that my therapist taught me. Whatever I’m going through, I can imagine it is a headline on the front page of the paper that has some distance from my daily life. I find it helpful.)
God is in charge.
Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
Use your inner wisdom.

Thank you, God, for this learning.

19 Aug 2026

comments

0

Ella

Ella started coming to Stockbridge Central in third grade and we became friends. Ella, Ava, and I used to hang out together. I remember coming back from my Florida vacation with really short hair. Ella and Ava were very shocked at my hair, but were really glad to see me. That felt good.

I went over to Ella’s house one day after school to play. Somehow, we ended up in her living room giggling. She asked me to take off my clothes, so I did. We both got the giggles as she asked me to do different stuff. I started peeing all over the place. She was disgusted. I was completely mortified.

I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up and put my clothes on. I was completely humiliated and full of shame. I went up to her and her mother and apologized. I was crying. Her mother was very nice about it.

“Why are you embarrassed?” she said. “Don’t feel badly.” But I did. I feel badly to this day.

Looking back on it, why was she asking me to take my clothes off in the first place? Was she making fun of me? That’s how it seems now. I guess she was picking on me and seeing what she could get away with. We were only eight. Why wasn’t she taking her clothes off? And why didn’t I say no? Why didn’t I ask her to take her clothes off?

There were two reasons why I didn’t ask her to take her clothes off. The first reason is because I never would have asked someone to do that. The second one is that I didn’t know I mattered enough to have an opinion about what someone was doing to me, especially at that age. I never would have said no to anyone. I didn’t know that word. I didn’t know it was okay to say no to anyone. I was the yes person. I was the peacemaker, the one who always said yes, hoping to be perfect, hoping to be accepted, hoping to be loved, desperately wanting someone to say I was okay, so I could feel I was okay myself.

This is another example of bullying and it’s not okay.

I am full of shame about this incident to this day. Just the thought of it makes me blush.

What I should have realized was that I needed to look to God and within for self-love. God’s love is the only love we ever need. He teaches us we are loveable. He teaches us to love ourselves. How I wish someone had told me that then.

That’s why I think I was so attached to Grandmother Amy. She taught me how to pray. She is one of the only people who ever talked to me about God.

Thank you, God, for having her in my life and for giving me the strength to write this. I love you so.

There were a lot of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at Play Here:

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
Your moods and actions are my fault.
It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
If you like me, I like me.
If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.
Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
Different from everyone
I’m not good enough to be here.

Positive Affirmations that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame:

It’s okay to make mistakes every day.
I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake.
I will not listen to my inner critic’s lies. I will listen to the truth which is that I am a lovable child of God.
God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
What other people think of me is none of my business, even if it’s good.
I am only responsible for myself.
I am worthy of love just because I exist.
I am a beloved child of God just because I exist.
Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
Stop patterns of negative thinking, little steps at a time.
I forgive myself for judging myself for not being good enough.

Here are some mantras that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame:

Change your how-high habit. When someone says jump, I have a habit of saying “how high?” I don’t have to do what everyone else wants me to do anymore.
Change your self-judgment habit.
Set boundaries for yourself.
Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
Remember your bubble. (My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.)
It’s not my fault.
Don’t take it personally.
Treat it like the front page of the newspaper. (This is another technique that my therapist taught me. Whatever I’m going through, I can imagine it is a headline on the front page of the paper that has some distance from my daily life. I find it helpful.)
God is in charge.
Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
Use your inner wisdom.

This was one of the most painful, embarrassing and shameful experiences of my life. I am still working on self forgiveness for this. I think I will journal about this and burn it. That will help to put the incident to rest. I can also imagine God and I writing the incident on a giant blackboard and then erasing it. That will help too.

Thank you, God, for his learning.

11 Aug 2026

comments

0

Catch and Kiss

When I was seven, the Pilate family moved to Pittsfield, Vermont. Ava and her really cute brother Sylvester started attending Stockbridge-Pittsfield Central School. One time, a bunch of us were on the playground during recess and the other kids decided to play “Catch and Kiss.” They caught Sylvester and held him down by his hair. I kissed him as instructed. I’m pretty sure I kissed him on the cheek. I would never have been bold enough to kiss him on the lips. I mean, give me a break, I was only seven.

But I do remember getting in trouble because of the kiss. I was bawling in the teacher’s room like I had committed a mortal sin or I was going to be sent to the gas chamber. I don’t remember what happened except that I was too scared to go home for fear of getting in trouble. So I hid behind the apple trees until someone saw me. I don’t remember what else happened after that. I was mortified. I guess it must have all worked out okay. Mom, no doubt, had bigger problems on her mind. I don’t even remember her getting mad at me or anything.

Why did the teachers make such a big deal about it? Were they conservative? I knew they were drinking and smoking and hitting kids. (One of the teachers was caught with booze under the sink.) Yet they yelled at a kid for kissing another kid on the cheek? I think they were yelling at the wrong people. After all, it wasn’t my idea. I was bullied into it by the other children. Bullying, however, wasn’t a big deal back then.

Well, I guess they didn’t want to encourage promiscuity.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
Your moods and actions are my fault.
It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
If you like me, I like me.
If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.
Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
Different from everyone
I’m not good enough to be here.

Positive Affirmations that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame:

I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake
I will listen to the truth, which is that I always do my best and that’s enough.
Just for today I will act in a way that I admire in someone else.
Their judgments are about them. They are telling me about them. I’ll remember my bubble.
What other people think of me is none of my business, even if it’s good.
It’s okay to make mistakes every day.
I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake.
I am only responsible for myself.
I am worthy of love just because I exist.
I am a beloved child of God just because I exist.
Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.

Here are some mantras that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame:

God is in charge.
Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
Don’t take it personally.
Treat it like the front page of the newspaper. (This is another technique that my therapist taught me. Whatever I’m going through, I can imagine it is a headline on the front page of the paper that has some distance from my daily life. I find it helpful.)
Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
Use your inner wisdom.
Change your how high habit. When someone says jump, I have a habit of saying “how high?” I don’t have to do what everyone else wants me to do anymore.
Change your self-judgment habit.
Set boundaries for yourself.
Remember your bubble. (My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.)
Do your best, do your Make a plan Process, let go and let God.
It’s not my fault.

Now that I look back on this experience, I realize that I was such a compliant people pleaser. It is no wonder that incident played out like it did. I did the best I could in that moment. Thanks to recovery, I don’t have to do that anymore.

03 Aug 2026

comments

0

Escape into Food

I began escaping into food very early in my life.

Actually, when I first arrived at Stockbridge Central School, I could have been identified as a picky eater. I remember picking at my hot lunch and not liking it.

Well, that didn’t last long. My friend Claire was the protagonist in this incident. I think she convinced me the food wasn’t so bad. Pretty soon, I was wolfing it down like it was my last meal.

“Slow down, Juliet… the food isn’t gonna run away from ya!” she said at other times.

I ate a lot during my school years. Food was my drug of choice. Dad hated that, and Mom would pick on me as she stuffed food in my mouth at the same time, sending out a mixed message.

My compulsive overeating had begun. Food was my painkiller, my entertainment, my best friend and companion. It helped me feel better because as I stuffed down the food, I would stuff down all of my sadness. Before you knew it, I was plowing through every piece of food in sight. Except lima beans. And liver. Ugh. I still hate both. My biggest nightmare is a lima bean, mushroom, liver, black olive, and blue cheese soufflé topped off with a round of sushi. Man that would make me put my fork down in a hurry. Ick.

But my soufflé nightmare never materialized, so I started eating everything else in sight and got chunky.

All of a sudden, I couldn’t get enough food.

Here are Juliet’s Codependency and Feelings Patterns that are often at work when I am eating compulsively:

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns

It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
Different from everyone
I am only worth what I accomplish.
I’m not good enough to be here.

Here are some positive affirmations that I use when I have the urge to eat compulsively:

God and me fill that empty space inside of me.
God doesn’t make junk. I am a perfect child of God just the way I am.
I am beautiful inside and out.
I am beautiful, thin, and a winner.
I do my best to take care of myself and that is all I can expect of anyone, including myself.
I am enough
I deserve good things.
Today I am God’s brand new creation.
I release the need to blame anyone, including myself.

Here are some mantras that help me when I’m feeling compulsive:

Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
I am powerless over this situation. I am powerless over my compulsiveness. My life has become unmanageable.
Put the fork down and go do something else.
Julie has a job to do. Julie has to follow God and let go, make her music, paint, work her recovery program, and do her book. That’s what God wants.
In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
In the moment I let go and let God.
Dear God, I give you my compulsiveness for my highest good.

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

22 Jul 2026

comments

0

CoDependency at School

The overarching codependent theme for Juliet at school was that I had low self-esteem and felt less than. Therefore, I tied my self-worth to my accomplishments in my schoolwork and, of course, my looks. If I was good in school, I had self-worth. If I failed at school, I was worthless.

I thought that if I was perfect at my schoolwork, people wouldn’t have to find out what an awful person I was. If I was perfect in everything I did, I could make Mom and Dad’s problems go away and maybe they would love and approve of me. Maybe they’d forget how ugly I was.

I had no self-worth. I didn’t perceive myself as a loveable or worthwhile person. I was only loveable or worthwhile if I was perfect, getting straight As, and receiving love from the person who I wanted to love me. Thus, most of the time, I was a failure.

Grade School and Junior High

The patterns I describe below were especially true at the Interlochen Arts Academy High School and the University of Miami.

While at Stockbridge Elementary School (kindergarten through sixth grade), I became too impacted by the dysfunction going on at home to realize that this was what I was doing.

At Rochester Junior Senior High School School (seventh through ninth grade), I tied my self-worth to my looks, who liked me, and my grades. Since most of the time I wasn’t doing as well as I wanted in any of those areas, I considered myself a failure. I felt less than.

My grade school and junior high school years were spent in Vermont.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at Work:

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
If you’re happy, I’m happy.
Your moods and actions are my fault.
It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
If you like me, I like me.
If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
I am less than

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

Juliet’s Feelings[1]

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
Different from everyone
I am only worth what I accomplish.
I’m not good enough to be here.

I have positive affirmations now which help me with this:

What other people think of me is none of my business.
Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me.
I am worthy of love just because I exist.
I am enough.
God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
I am a child of God.
Today I am God’s brand new creation.
None of this is my fault.
I release the need to blame anyone, including myself.

Thank you, God, for this learning.

[1] Ibid.

07 Jul 2026

comments

0

Pretend You Don’t See

Pretend You Don’t See

One habit of survival I developed as a child was “pretend you don’t see.” This process involved immediately looking away in a very relaxed, unnoticeable way when one sees something that one shouldn’t. It avoided getting yelled at, humiliated, spanked, or shamed.

I pretended I didn’t see what was happening. I didn’t look, even if I wanted to know.

I used this technique the first time I saw my dad kissing another woman. I must have been young because the staircase of my dad’s office building seemed big to me and I could still slide down its railing. I was coming down that staircase (the normal way) after visiting Grammy Amy in her apartment and looked into Dad’s office. There he was kissing a blonde woman. I remember that I walked in and he immediately tried to cover it up, by making small talk.

“Well, anyway,” he stuttered, trying to compose himself and moving away from her.

“Julie, this lady has a dog like Tack.”

Even at that young age, I knew his words were nonsense. I knew I was walking in on something that was not meant for my eyes or ears. But there I was so what was I supposed to do? Denial was easier for me than confrontation, and still is. So I walked in the room, pretended I didn’t see anything, pretended everything was okay. It seemed to be the only option. A quick exit from the room would only have made things more uncomfortable. So I made small talk with the woman and Dad until she left.

In her book Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps, author Melody Beatty states that “Denial refers to our ability to ignore what is happening, even when it is right before our eyes…part of us knows what’s true; part of us knows what’s real.”[1]

I used denial many, many times when Mom or Dad was drunk. I felt embarrassed by it, but wasn’t supposed to say anything. Denial. Pretend it isn’t happening. Ignore it. The family preferred it that way.

This is also linked to my defect of being overly responsible, because part of me was trying to save the other person from embarrassment. I was responsible for their feelings. However, I could get the backlash for exposing them, so I was also protecting myself.

Gosh, I can’t imagine what would have happened if, when I caught Dad kissing that woman, I had said, “Wow, you’re cheating on Mom, you pig.” I think his head would have blown off, or he would have killed me. Or both.

Melody Beattie has a very good section on denial in her book, Codependent No More. In it, Beattie states that she believes we perform most of our codependent behaviors when we are in denial.[2] It also makes us extra crazy, because we are lying to ourselves.[3]

I did this for years. By pretending I was crazy, defective, and the like, I could avoid dealing with the frightening reality I was living. My mother’s alcoholism, and my dad’s rage, sex addictions, and legal issues caused problems. But, deep down, I knew I was lying to myself, so it didn’t really work.

I also used this denial/pretend you don’t see technique when a pervert in Miami was jerking off while he pretended to ask me for directions. Pretend you don’t see it.

I used this technique at my wedding too. I remember one woman’s blouse had come undone and was wide open while we were talking. I didn’t want to embarrass her, so I pretended I didn’t notice.

I would also use it when I found the card on the counter that eventually ended my marriage. Pretend you don’t see the gorilla in the room.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work:

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
If you’re happy, I’m happy.
It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.

I have positive affirmations which help me with this:

What other people think of me is none of my business.
Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me.
I am only responsible for myself
God loves me. God is in control. I am safe.
Everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.

I have mantras that help me with this too:

Trust God and do the next right thing.
This too shall pass
Easy does it.
I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him.
Let go and let God.
Just relax.
Breathe.

Thank you, God, for this learning.

[1] Melody Beattie, Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps. (New York, NY: Fireside, 1990), p. 217.

[2] Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, 2^nd Edition (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1992), p. 135

[3] Ibid.

27 Jun 2026

comments

0

Dad and the Food Incident

Why aren’t I thin, I overeat

Why aren’t I pretty, long arms, big feet

Shame on me, admit defeat

With your fantasy, I can’t compete

It’s perfect

One of the most difficult and long-lasting issues I have with both of my parents is with my eating habits and my weight. Dad always thought I was fat. He picked on me about my weight a lot. One specific incident is stuck in my brain for all time. It has seriously affected how I feel about myself. What I interpreted from this incident was that I was a fat, ugly, unlovable loser.

My codependency blames this incident. The reality is that I feel this way about myself because this is how I feel about myself. That’s it. My feelings and thoughts about myself are my responsibility.

Anyway, the following incident affected my inner teenager and me for years to come.

We stopped somewhere along the New York Thruway for a snack on the way home from Madison Square Garden, where my sister had been showing. I ordered a corn muffin with butter on it. Dad went berserk.

“You have weight problem and you have to deal with it,” he roared in front of the whole restaurant.

I spent the rest of the meal staring at the muffin while I tried not to cry, because Lord knows, I would have gotten in trouble for that too. Don’t show your feelings. I was so mortified.

We were traveling in separate cars and I was riding in Mom’s car. When we got in the car to head home, I started bawling immediately.

“I feel so ugly,” I said.

“He never should have done that,” she responded.

People get judged for being fat. We live in a society where looks matter — a lot. I’ve fallen right into it too. I diet like crazy and work out like a fiend. I write down my weight every day and measure every morsel of food. I feel better though, being lean and in shape, and I’m actually as healthy as a horse.

From that day on, my inner child has felt like a fat ugly loser. I am currently working with a therapist, CoDA, Overeaters Anonymous (OA), Weight Watchers, my sponsor, and in an inner child workbook to rid myself of these negative belief.

Was he really mad at me? In my opinion, no. I think he was mad that his daughters were not living up to his expectations. He was mad about Mom’s drinking. He was mad because he didn’t marry his childhood sweetheart, Pat Fisher. He was mad for getting disbarred. But instead of addressing it appropriately, he yelled at me in front of the whole restaurant. He wanted me to be responsible for him by being perfect and making him look good. How dare I make a mistake and not be perfect? Bastard. Like he was perfect.

That was one of the most shameful moments of my whole life.

30 May 2026

comments

0

I Don’t Want to Talk about It

One time, someone sent a letter in the mail addressed to “Mr. James Wright and Maureen.” It upset Mom very much and she ended up not sleeping at the house that night.

As it turned out, Maureen was a woman Dad was having an affair with.

“Do you know where your mother went or what’s wrong with her?” he asked as I was in the bathroom washing my face.

“She got something in the mail that upset her. I don’t know if you want to talk about it or not.”

Man, he whipped down those stairs and was out of my range in nothing flat. He wanted nothing to do with that conversation. So I guess the answer was “Heck, no, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Dad was gone as much as possible. He gave me money as a way of saying “I love you.” I would always kind of understand and take it and would be happy about it, like “Thanks Dad!!”

Money meant a lot to Dad as he didn’t grow up with any. He put himself through law school and worked really, really hard. So when he gave me money, I took it as a sign of love and concern. I think he meant it that way too.

Dad’s moods and feelings permeated the whole house like an illness. As long as he was happy, everyone was happy, or at least we tried to be. And when he was stressed or raging, nervousness spread through the family like a raging wildfire through dry brush in the California summer sun.

I thought I was responsible for my father’s happiness. Was he upset because I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, good enough, quick enough, strong enough, emotionless enough, happy enough, or a boy? I never got confirmation that Dad really wanted me to be a boy, but my sister told me that Mom had said he really wanted a son. I’ve heard several people share similar stories about their dad’s wanting sons and getting daughters instead. I guess it’s quite common.

The more I pleased him, the more I wanted to please him. I was proud he was my dad, at least when I was a little girl.

I felt responsible for the decline of my father’s health and the complications that resulted with his estate during his illness. Part of me feels like I should have called him on his garbage. Maybe a lot of the aftermath hell could have been avoided.

I remember looking at my parents and saying to them, “I live really far away and if something is wrong, I’m not going to know unless you tell me. I hope you will tell me.”

He looked right at me and said, “No one is keeping anything from you.”

I took what he said, swallowed it, and walked away. In retrospect, I should have called him on it.

I should have said, “Dad, cut the crap. I know there’s something wrong with you. Now tell me the truth, because your secretary told me something is going on.”

So what if he would have gotten mad at her, mad at me, or cut me out of the will?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m very grateful for everything my father has given me. But it won’t do me any good when I get to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is not going to say, “Well, you screwed up, but you have money in the bank, so it’s okay.” I don’t think it works that way. I believe following God is more important than money, any day. God will always take care of me. That’s the truth.

I had many dreams about Dad after his death. The family would be together. He would be trying to figure something out, or he would be stressing. People say that loved ones visit you in your dreams and I believe that.

I’m very proud of the way my father focused on charities later in his life. He was the chairman of the board of governors for the new Shriner’s Crippled Children’s Burns Center Hospital in Boston. He basically built that hospital from the ground up. Mom has pictures of him breaking ground with the board.

Anything Dad did wrong, he certainly made up for by building that hospital.

Dad did the best he could. I did the best I could too. I continue to love my father and to be grateful for all of the love, care and well-being he has given me. I am also thankful for all I have learned from him.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work:

Your moods and actions are my fault.
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
I’m not good enough to be here.

I have positive affirmations which help me with this:

I am a beloved child of God just because I exist.
What other people think of me is none of my business.
Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me.
I am only responsible for myself
God loves me. God is in control. I am safe.
Trust God and do the next right thing.
Everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
Just relax.
Breathe.
Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
Stop patterns of negative thinking. I think only positive thoughts about myself and others.
I live in abundance and gratitude in that I have everything I need to sustain me in this life.

I have mantras that help me with this too:

Trust God and do the next right thing.
This too shall pass
Easy does it.
I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him.
Let go and let God.

Thank you, God, for this learning.

23 May 2026

comments

0

My Relationship with Dad

You keep shoving expectations on me

I just keep trying to please you

You keep shoving expectations on me

I’ll lose myself trying to please you.

You push and push for perfection

That’s how I win your affection

You push and push to change me

I try and fail

Good-bye to my dreams.

My reflection has echoes of Dad in it too. I see in myself the same perfectionism and rage that plagued him most of his life.

I developed and practiced all of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns with my father.

All of these patterns were at war inside Juliet and no wonder. I developed them to continue to exist. I learned not to feel and to be as invisible as possible. At least it mitigated the chances of more yelling, blame, name-calling, and problems.

Above all, I felt like I had to do, think, feel, and be whatever Dad said so he wouldn’t get mad and leave me.

I was always scared of my dad. I always walked on pins and needles when I was around him. I never knew how he was going to react to something or what he was going to do.

As I wrote earlier, he never hit my sister or me. His yell and look were enough to scare anyone into submission. He did hit Mom on occasion.

My inner infant truly felt rejected by him. If she had a dirty diaper, he was grossed out and didn’t want to touch her. He took his love away. He did the same thing later in life when he took his love away when we were sick.

Dad was an authoritarian, control freak, rager, potential alcoholic, womanizer, and perfectionist, and he was the king of his castle. He expected all of us to look and behave a certain way, and when we didn’t, he got very upset. Heaven help me if I stuck up for myself and expressed what I needed or wanted, especially if it wasn’t on his agenda. Then he would shame me with derogatory statements. I would believe them all.

How dare I have an opinion, or want something? It was a crime in his book. I wasn’t supposed to think, feel, or express myself. I was just supposed to do as I was told. It was my purpose in life to want what he wanted, do what he wanted, be what and whom he wanted, to be his perfect little soldier.

And if I said or did the wrong thing or failed, love was taken away from me and I was ignored. That was the message I grew up with.

Dad wasn’t very in touch with his emotions. He could be a really cold person. His often icy demeanor, combined with his rage and perfectionism, made him very difficult to live with.

If I was sick, he got mad at me. If I was emotional, he would get mad at me too. Don’t be too happy, too sad, excited or needy. Straight-faced robots only, please.

As a result I tried to hide, alter, and/or deny my feelings. Why would I need any more of his negativity?

Whenever I was with Dad, whatever went wrong was my fault. I thought I was responsible for the whole world. I was only as good as my achievements. If I did badly at a horse show, or on a test, I was bad. I thought if I was as good as I could be, everything would be okay. It wasn’t.

A couple of times Dad slammed the car door on my hand. That was my fault too. I shouldn’t have had my hand there. Could he have looked before he slammed the door? Apparently not.

“Again?” he would say, looking at me in disbelief.

I stood there in a huge amount of pain, trying like the dickens not to cry.

My song Don’t Let Me Down, from my recording, Fearless Moral Inventory, lets the listener in on how parents make their children responsible for them and see them as reflections of themselves. Although the song is set in the early twentieth century factory setting, the over-responsibility part was definitely written about my father and his control issues.

During my teenage years, my relationship with Dad was especially tenuous. He was constantly on me about my weight. On the outside, I tried to pretend everything was okay, although it wasn’t.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work:

Your moods and actions are my fault.
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.

I have positive affirmations which help me with this:

What other people think of me is none of my business.
Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me.
I am only responsible for myself
God loves me. God is in control. I am safe.
Trust God and do the next right thing.
Everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
Just relax.
Breathe.
Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
Stop patterns of negative thinking. I think only positive thoughts about myself and others.
I live in abundance and gratitude in that I have everything I need to sustain me in this life.

I have mantras that help me with this too:

This too shall pass
Easy does it.
I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him.
Let go and let God.

Thank you, God, for this learning.

19 Feb 2026

comments

0

Illness an Mess

Neither one has noticed what’s up ahead

They haven’t even noticed the lights have changed

One moment with your head turned can really change your life.

Worship money, you’ll lose it all

Then you’ll really pay

And I almost had it my way

I almost had it made

The best money can buy

I could have had the best there was

I would have sacrificed the love

In his mid-60s, Dad was diagnosed with Pick’s disease, a form of dementia. I am uncertain of the date as he kept it a secret from everyone but Seleste, his secretary and apparent girlfriend. He lost the ability to read and write, answer and dial a telephone, and eventually drive. He couldn’t put on his jacket or find the door handle by himself. He got lost walking around the farm and in the town where he worked.

Eventually, he moved into the apartment upstairs from his office and had Seleste taking care of him and driving him to Stockbridge on the weekends.

Ultimately, his illness was revealed to the family. At least it explained a few things.

Very shortly after that, my parents were in a very serious car accident. Mom was driving. Neither one of them was wearing their seatbelt. We never wore them as kids either.

Mom had been drinking and there was booze in the cubby, but due to her amazing acting abilities the police never found it.

Both of my parents refused initial medical treatment.

A short time later, Dad ended up in the hospital with pneumonia due to a cracked rib. He eventually went into a nursing home and never came out.

Since Dad had lost the ability to read, write, and dial a telephone, Seleste was conducting all of his business affairs. This means that she had her name on all of the accounts, including the liquid assets. Dad had lost a lot in the Crash of 1991, so he had much of his money in cash. None of my father’s affairs were in order at the time of his illness.

So, Dad was in a nursing home, Mom was self-medicating to dangerous extents, and the secretary was in control of all the money. What a mess!

Watching Dad fail and pass away was difficult for all of us. It took a huge toll on everyone emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially and this changed everyone’s lives forever. The financial and legal mess we were left with was even worse. Top it off with Mom’s struggles with her disease and you’ve got chaos with lots of stress for anyone to deal with.

Fast forward through the nursing homes, hospital visits, attorneys, accountants, investors, guardians, heaps of legal documents, real estate matters, and secretary clean-up duty, and we get to the result. My sister and I finally got the whole mess sorted out and kept our parents as safe as we could. It took twelve years.

I wrote my song The Best Money Can Buy about the car accident and Seleste’s intentions with my father’s money.

Worship money and you’re bound to lose; that’s my motto. You can’t take it with you. In the end, six feet of dirt make us all one size.[1]

I, of course, tried to blame myself. If I had forced Dad to tell me what was wrong with him and not been such a wimp, somehow I could have prevented all of this.

Are we responsible for our parents? I think it’s difficult for anyone to say without any guilt at all that they are not responsible for their parents. I mean who else was going to muddle through this confusion and take care of these people if we didn’t do it? Saddle an overly responsible codependent with this and you’ve got some real stress on your hands.

It was my responsibility to fix all of this. And it was obviously all my fault.

[1] Ola Belle Reed, “Six Feet of Earth Makes Us All of One Size,” The Angels Are Singing. (Cambridge, MA: Rounder Records, 2002).

Since I have been in recovery, I have learned a few things. Everything is not my fault.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work:

Your moods and actions are my fault.
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.

I have positive affirmations which help me with this:

I am only responsible for myself
God loves me. God is in control. I am safe.
Trust God and do the next right thing.
Everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
Just relax.
Breathe.
What other people think of me is none of my business.
Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me.
Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
Stop patterns of negative thinking. I think only positive thoughts about myself and others.
I live in abundance and gratitude in that I have everything I need to sustain me in this life.

I have mantras that help me with this too:

This too shall pass
Easy does it.
I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him.
Let go and let God.

Thank you, God, for this learning.