Humility

But it’s all in His time

Listening’s up to me

Got to do as I’m told

He has a plan for me

Loveable faithful me

The future is mine to see

Listening to his voice

He knows what’s best for me

~ Change from Fearless Moral Inventory

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2008, all rights reserved

Humility is one of the most important and meaningful spiritual principles for me. I must learn to be humble if I’m going to heal and grow as God’s child.

My definition of humility is that I recognize that I’m not any better than anyone else, I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not in charge. God’s in charge. It’s about what He wants.

Scripture speaks well of humility…

Humility makes us patient under trials.

~ Job 1:22 (NIV)

These are the ones I look on with favor:
those who are humble and contrite in spirit,
and who tremble at my word.

~ Isaiah 66:2 (NIV)

God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.

^{~1 Peter 5:5 (NIV)}

Humility is the bed on which Step 7 rests:

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.^[1]

Humility to me means that there is a God and I am not God. I heard that in a meeting once and really liked it.

God has a plan and I know very little about it. But he has a plan and it’s a good one. Far be it for me to call God’s plan anything less than perfect.

So I became aware of, accepted, and became ready to let go of my defects, especially over-responsibility and caretaking. Now I humbly ask God to remove them. God is above me. He is powerful over all things. He is wise. He knows what is best. So when I ask, I ask in that light, knowing that He sees the whole picture and I am just a tiny piece of dust. I only see what’s around me. So I ask in that context, humbly, not knowing the whole story.

I think faith ties into humility too. If I have faith in God the way I say I do, then I should be able to trust whatever He says and do what He is asking without question or doubt. This requires being humble and getting my big, fat human ego and pride out of the way. My defects of character include pride, vanity, control, over-responsibility and caretaking, amongst many others. God help me give up these defects.

To me, humility means that God knows everything and I know nothing. I give my life to God and submit to what I believe is His will for me. I will listen to God for guidance, and when I receive it, I will thank Him. When wisdom comes from my mouth after I’ve prayed, I know it is from God. Heck, whenever wisdom comes from my mouth at all — whether I’ve prayed or not — it is God, not me.

One Thanksgiving Day, I was driving north to see friends. I saw a beautiful sky filled with mysterious dark clouds and yet these clouds were surrounded by a little bit of pink, with the sun’s rays trying to break through it all. Then the Holy Spirit told me that the purpose of our lives is to make God smile. I need to be humble, admit when I’m wrong, and give to others. His sky made me smile. Nothing like one of God’s beautiful skies to make me submit to God. Thanks for the reminder, God. I got it and needed it. You are in charge.

When I’m humble, I ask God to remove my defects of self-will, selfishness, a controlling nature, and my urge to fix everyone and everything. Fixing everyone and all of their problems is not my job. It’s God’s job. Juliet needs to stop trying to do God’s job. I am not God. So I humbly admit that it is all about what God wants, not about what I want. I’m not in charge.

At the end of the Book of Job, Job realizes that he has to love God for who God is, not what God gives him. That is humility. I need to get out of the way, love and trust God, and submit to His will. I need to live in holy obedience so His will can be done through me and God can make me into the person He wants me to be.

I am one of the vehicles through which God works on this planet. In order to successfully complete this journey, I must get out of God’s way so He can work. I can do this by asking God to live through me. I did this recently. I was getting ready for a gig that was supposed to happen that night. I was worried about my set list and readings list. So I asked God to write the set and readings list for me. It worked really well. I felt really ready for my gig.

My family of origin taught me that I was responsible for everyone else. I was responsible for their behavior and their feelings. I have been practicing that behavior for many years. I started chipping away at it when I got into recovery nine years ago. I am only responsible for myself. That is the only person I can take care of. How egotistical of me to think I can fix others. I need to humble myself before God and give my family, the grief, the outcomes, the future back to Him. He has a plan. He knows best. He is wise. I must remember that and bow down before Him. Then I must do the work He has put me on this earth to do.

I will practice humility. This is God asking me to be humble. Asking me to do His work, risk looking like a moron. It’s about God, not me.

Practicing humility means that I’m willing to get up and try again. I won’t let my pride make me quit, even after I look like a stupid fool in front of people — such as with my students.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve swallowed my pride so much I want to vomit everything up in front of me. That’s how I felt in my family of origin. My inner child thinks this means that she doesn’t matter, only other people matter. She thinks humility means she is going to get silenced again. She thinks humility means she doesn’t count, her voice won’t be heard. I reassure her and tell her that’s not true. What’s true is that she is a beloved child of God. She does have a voice and there is a time and place for that. She must also submit to God’s authority and listen to Him. She must obey.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• I’m not in charge here.

• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

God’s way is the better way. Humility means that even if you have an idea about what to do, you should do it the way God wants you to do it. In the end, it will serve Him better — which means in the long run that it will serve you better. As my sponsor Grace says, “Turning it over means trusting that God loves you enough to give you the good stuff.”

So humility is necessary if I’m going to turn my defects over to God for Him to remove if and when He chooses. So I give it to God. When He answers me, I accept it, do it, move on. That is humility. He knows what’s better for me than I do.

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my humility:

• I humble myself before the Lord; I will listen.
• It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.
• I submit to the will of the Lord.
• God will live my life for me today. I don’t have to do anything. All I have to do is be a body.
• God will overcome the false prophets in my head.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Humility:

• Worship: Talking to God through consistent morning prayers and meditation is necessary for me to get out of the driver’s seat and focus on what God wants. I need to be alone with God every morning to listen for His voice and serve Him better.
• Journaling: I journal every morning to get the pride, ego, and control issues out of me and into the open so they can be dealt with.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is in charge of my life. He must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do.
• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers, and listening for His direction throughout my day.
• Read the daily list: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask Him to remove them if and when He is ready.
• Submission: When God gives me a message, instructions, or assignments, I try to do them, whether I want to do them or not. I trust that He knows what’s best for me more than I do. I do my best.
• Awareness: I increase my awareness of my moods, my actions, and the things that are happening around me. By being more aware of what’s happening in my body, my feelings, and my brain, I can be more available to hear what He has to say and become more humble.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass,” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Rest: I get more sleep so I can hear what God is saying to me.
• Let it go: I realize that things happen. I don’t have control over what goes on.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

Acceptance

Your strength is to stand still, after you see yourselves;
whatever you see yourselves addicted to,
temptations, corruption, uncleanness, etc.,
then you think you shall never overcome.
And earthly reason will tell you, what you shall lose;
pay no attention to that,
but stand still in the light that shows them to you,
and then strength comes from the Lord,
and help contrary to your expectation.
Then you grow up in peace, and no trouble shall move you.

~ “To Friends, to stand still in trouble, and see the strength

of the Lord” by George Fox^[1]

Acceptance is a vital spiritual principle, one that I struggle with very much sometimes. I apply it to different things on different days. When I first started writing about acceptance, most of the time I addressed it in terms of what I can get done in a day. I attach my self-worth to what I can get done each day. This issue addresses my defect of workaholism.

Today, however, I am addressing acceptance on the level of recognizing that things are how they are. I will just work on trying to let it be, instead of letting the circumstances of my life tie my gut into a knot that strangles my soul. That chokes out every bit of happiness, joy, and faith I have, until I sink into Satan’s pit of despair. He would love that.

Now it’s not about what I can get done in a day, but about my beloved sister and (at this point) her wonderful late husband and why couldn’t I fix it? Why couldn’t I make it okay for them? When he was sick, I had a hard time accepting that and wanted to be the one to save him and save my sister Alice from having to go through all of the pain of taking care of yet another sick person. Now that he has passed, I am having a hard time accepting the fact that he is gone. Alice has to grieve and I can’t do it for her. I love her. I don’t want her to be sad. But I can’t fix it. I must let go and let this be her experience. This struggle all relates to my defect of over-responsibility and caretaking.

I think of acceptance as being my recognition of reality as it is.

Acceptance is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 6:

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.^[2]

The defects of character that were revealed in my soul searching from Step 4 (the fearless moral inventory) and admitted to in the integrity of Step 5 (admitting our wrongs) must be accepted in Step 6. There they are, staring me in the face. No use denying it.
So I admit to my defects of character and agree that they are no longer of use to me. They need to go. Over-responsibility, caretaking, selfishness, low self-esteem, and all the rest of my 86-item defects list are only wreaking havoc on my life. I can’t get rid of them until I accept the fact that I have them. That is what George Fox was talking about in the opening quote to this section on Acceptance. Let’s see reality as it is and agree that it is there. Now what do we do about it?

The hard work I have been doing in recovery has allowed for me to work on removing defects of character, while still learning to set boundaries. Finding a balance that allows for me to care about others and still take care of myself can be very difficult. I am still learning how to do that. My over-responsibility makes that very challenging.

I would often become rageful, frustrated, and/or desperate over the stress of dealing with family business, illness, and crisis. This always seemed to come up at times, such as on a Sunday night, so I would go to work exhausted, sad, freaked out, unable to function. My over-responsibility and caretaking would tell me I had to fix the problem at hand right then and there.
The Juliet that is learning to set boundaries, refrain from over-responsibility and caretaking, may choose to take care of herself — instead of being available for potentially upsetting information that could make Monday morning more difficult than it already is. The new Juliet is learning to accept the fact that she can’t fix everything.

Juliet’s inner critic, on the other hand, gives her loads of grief for being selfish. Juliet is so selfish. Your family is having such a hard time and all you are worried about is getting to bed on time? How selfish of you. That is what my inner critic would say to me. It comes directly from the messages I received from my family of origin. I don’t have to listen to those lies anymore. The inner critic is tied to my low self-esteem, another one of my character defects.

I do think it’s important for me to be there for others, as I am able, and sometimes when crisis situations arise, the timing can be really difficult. It is up to me to assess each situation as it comes up and somehow strike a healthy balance between caring for myself and being supportive of others.

A year ago I was raging and frustrated, refusing to accept life as it was. My inner child would have been stomping her feet, all ticked off because her summer trip would probably be screwed up on account of illness and family crisis.

Now I am learning the difference between selfishness, self-care, and my ability to care for others. When I have recognized true selfishness in me, I have done step work around it, dug through my issues, and thrown my selfishness in the trash. At least, most of it. I have become ready to have God remove my selfishness and he did remove a lot of it. Thank you, God.

In order to get rid of my defects, I have to accept that they are there and that they no longer serve me as behaviors. I have had the integrity to admit my wrongdoings and now it is time for me to receive with gratitude the responsibility of changing my behavior.

I accept the fact that I feel overly responsible for and want to caretake my family. I receive the information that it is my behavior that sets this in motion. It does not belong to anyone else. I recognize how destructive this behavior pattern is for me. Feeling overly responsible for others has a negative impact on my own spirit, my ability to take care of myself, and do what God wants me to do. It also has a negative effect on how I treat others.

For example, there were days during my brother-in-law’s illness when I was so sad about him and my sister that I was bordering on despair. I was on the edge of the cliff, for sure.

I have a picture of a Protection Bird that I drew for my therapist that is supposed to protect me from negative vibes and sadness when I come into contact with someone who is sad. There were days during his illness that it didn’t work. I was still very melancholy to the point that I could barely function.

But function I still managed to do, by the grace of God. I knew I had to have faith that this was all happening for a reason. Maybe it happened to give me fuel for this book, so I can get it out there and share what I’ve learned with others. There were days when I was hurting from the bottom of my soul. Step work and my faith in God was all that would cure me.

It was on one of those desperate days that I looked in Melody Beatties’ Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps for help. I realized that I needed to detach. I needed to separate myself from what I couldn’t change or control. This would lead to acceptance. Then it was up to me to do what I could to take care of myself. That meant writing this and getting it out of me. Journaling is still a vital tool that I use for my recovery on a daily basis.

The Juliet from 18 months ago wrote the following:

Acceptance. I pray for the willingness to be willing to accept the fact that I can only get so much done in a day. I receive with approval, whatever I got done today. There are only so many hours in a day. I accept the fact that I am only going to get done what God wants me to get done.

I believe I am doing the best I can. If I really don’t believe it, I will “act as if” until I believe it.

Yesterday, I practiced acceptance with my early morning orchestra when not one soul showed up. I even practiced acceptance when NONE of them brought their instruments down early to be tuned like they were supposed to and NONE of them had their music with them or their book either! Ugh! I don’t sound like I’m accepting it, but I am. That orchestra may only know two pieces for the concert. We may have to tell jokes.

The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book says acceptance means I am recognizing that everything is the way it’s supposed to be at this moment.^[3]

So I give it to God and do what’s in front of me.

The Juliet of today is trying to favorably believe that there are circumstances in the lives of those I love that I cannot control. I had to accept the fact that I couldn’t cure my brother-in-law’s cancer. It was beyond my control. Now I have to accept the fact that I can’t take away my sister’s grief.

I am ready to have God remove these defects of over-responsibility and caretaking. They are debilitating. They are making my life unmanageable.

George Fox’s recommendation about acceptance in the beginning quote is to just sit still in the Light and face what is. Just look at it. This is truth. Then God sheds Light on it for what can be done about it. He will give us all answers.

So I accept everything is as it’s supposed to be at this moment. The experiences I have had with my sadness, the illness and death of my brother-in-law, the seemingly endless stream of family tragedy are all here to teach me something. It is fuel for me to become more dependent on God and give my life to Him. It is here to teach me something, to help me write this book, to help others, to get over my over-responsibility and caretaking. That alone would be worth it. Dear God, help me let go of my over-responsibility and caretaking. Dear God, help me to become closer to and more dependent on you.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

~ Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)

What the above verse says to me is that, in order to follow God and do what he wants me to do, I need to get rid of all of the excess baggage that slows me down and often prohibits me from moving at all. This means getting rid of my defects of character. The first step to that process is acceptance.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

Positive Affirmations:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• Let God’s will be done through me.
• Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
• Stop patterns of negative thinking; I think only positive thoughts about myself and others.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

This program works. Writing about what is going on with me, working it through, filtering it through the spiritual principles… it all works for me. Whenever I am in despair, I do my step work through it. Then God’s grace brings me healing and relief in the midst of sadness and darkness. That is a miracle. That is program. I am grateful.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Acceptance: 

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me, sort them out, and see how I feel about them.
• Worship: I pray to God to help me accept what is. This really helps me when I’m struggling with something. Then I meditate, listening for what he wants me to do.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and sort out how I’m feeling about things.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my experience with acceptance into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Ask the observer: When I’m having trouble accepting something, I get into the observer position and ask myself, “How am I feeling right now? What is it about this situation that’s bothering me?” I journal about those feelings and thoughts.
• More mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day, and they help me to hear and see the truth about myself. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Turn it over: I give it to God, ask him to take over, and let it go as much as possible. To do this, I often put a note in my God Box about it.
• Let it go: I give it to God, let go, and let Him handle it. Move on.
• Breathe: I breathe in and out. I consider that everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. I am safe.

^[1] Fox, George. A Collection of Many Select and Christian Epistles, Letters and Testimonies Written on Sundry Occasions, by That Ancient, Eminent, Faithful Friend, and Minister of Christ Jesus, George Fox. RareBooksClub.com, 2013.

^[2] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[3] Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, 4^th ed. New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 2001, p. 417.

Integrity

The view at the top of the ladder

Shows a soul searching for what she can keep

~ Beloved, from Beloved,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2005, all rights reserved

Integrity is the spiritual principle that plants its feet firmly in truth. It is a foundational adherence to honesty and uprightness. I must have integrity if I am to live a Godly life. Integrity is one of the Quaker testimonies and is the structure on which a faithful Christian life is based. I must be honest and fair, focusing on the truth in all situations.

To me, integrity means that I live my life by an ethical and moral standard that is based on honesty and truth.

Integrity is the spiritual principle that is at the core of Step 5:

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.^[1]

If I have integrity, it means I care about what the truth is and that I tell the truth. It means that I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. What I do and how I conduct myself is real and upright, not self-serving and deceitful. I conduct myself in a reliable, honorable way in all matters.

Now there lies a problem. Being a compliant codependent, I sometimes say yes when I mean no. During those times, I lack integrity. Last year, I went to a Quaker Yearly Meeting. It was my first time at this event. Well, as soon as I got there, I quickly overbooked myself as usual. First of all I signed up for the choir ahead of time. I love singing and enjoyed it, but I did not realize what a huge daily commitment it was. It was very time consuming. I also signed up to volunteer at the on-site Quaker Yearly Meeting Bookstore for three afternoons in a row. That was fine with me. No problem. But on my last day, I stayed one hour longer than I wanted to because the manager wanted to go to another meeting. I said yes when I meant no. That didn’t serve me because I got resentful. I lacked integrity. I won’t do that again.

I have to have integrity in terms of admitting how I feel about over-responsibility and caretaking. Sometimes I need to be by myself and take care of myself. I don’t like it when the phone rings late at night. I don’t like it when people I love are hurting. I don’t like it when they have crises late at night and call me, especially when I have to teach in the morning. This sounds really selfish, but it’s true. It’s just too hard for my little codependent brain and heart to handle. I get too upset. My heart hurts and I feel like I have to fix it. The hamster gets on the wheel and away we go with obsession. It’s too much. My heart is racing just thinking about it. That’s the truth.

Even the little things matter. Take my taxes, for example. I know I have to be honest and forthcoming about what I spend my money on. In the past, I have purchased classical music partly for enjoyment and partly so I can listen to it and become a better teacher and musician. One might say I could write it off as sheet music on my taxes. It is for my job after all. As much as I would like to do that, I cannot. It just isn’t right. Too bad. I bought a lot of classical CDs.

I used to get tax advice from other people who would tell me not to worry about it.

“Just write a figure in there and that’s what it is,” they would say to me. “Don’t worry about it.” I followed their advice when I was younger, but I can’t do that now. It’s not right.

I also need to have integrity in terms of the private strings lessons I give to some of my students. They often pay in cash. I know I don’t have to declare it because how would they know? But I know. Truth is truth. I made that money and I can’t cheat the government. So even though it’s cash, I’m declaring it honestly.

I have integrity. I have to admit that with Cain (a relationship that I looked at in the first book), I told him I would have sex with him even though I meant to say no. I can’t just completely blame him for being a bad person. I should have said no to begin with. So that is what I learned. I have to say what I mean and mean what I say.

I can’t just say that Brad was a completely bad person, because I should have walked out the door — although he was manipulative. I knew in my soul that what we were doing and where we were headed was not right for me. That was the truth. I should have followed God’s truth from the beginning of that relationship and saved myself a lot of heartache. I learned from that too.

How can I have more integrity in my life?

By not answering the phone, when I don’t want to talk. Let the machine get it when it’s appropriate for me.

I can have more integrity in my teaching life by admitting when I’ve crossed the line from responsible teacher to control freak who wants to be right, respected and admired by her students. On the one hand, my job requires that I fulfill the task of teaching my students to become honest, upright, responsible citizens. This means teaching them to remember to come to lessons with their instrument and their music and to be on time.

This can be a very difficult job. I have students who are always late, never have their book, never practice and don’t seem to care. They think the rules don’t apply to them. They play with long fingernails week after week, when I’ve asked them to clip them. Sometimes if they don’t have their music, they blame me, saying I didn’t give it to them. I know what is right. I know what is true. What they are saying isn’t true. I need to teach them to be honest and do what is right.

On the other hand, there is a limit to what I can make my students do. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I can’t force the students to be on time, to remember or keep track of their book, or to bring their instrument. I can only keep giving them the information they need to succeed.

When I repeat myself over and over again to my students about these matters and they still do not follow directions, it is easy to become frustrated. So then I think to myself “why bother? Why keep telling them what to do when they won’t listen? It is wasted energy. Why don’t I just give up the ghost and if they don’t have their stuff or do their work, who cares?”

The answer is because I have integrity. I have to focus on doing what is right, honest, and true. That means getting in the classroom and teaching those kids to the best of my ability, no matter what the circumstances are – because that is my job. Every student must get the best service I have. This means making sure that they know what to do, when to do it, where to be and when to be there. This means repeating it as often as I need to. It means adjusting my teaching methods as necessary to service different students so that they will be successful in my classroom.

Adhering to what is right and true in the classroom also means knowing when I’ve crossed the line by taking my job home with me and fretting all weekend about how some kid got the better of me. Then the correct thing for me to do is let it go. I need to let it all go and take care of myself. Because to not do this is to give my over-responsibility free reign. I will fret and stew and think “how can I get this kid do what they need to do? I have to fix them, to get them to do the right thing.”

I give the children the information they need repeatedly. At some point they need to take the ball and run with it. So at the end of the day I need to go do something that makes me happy, like sit by the fire and listen to it crackle, go stare at the stars in wonder or sit in my rocking chair on the porch and just breathe in and out. That is the magic answer for me to during those times.

I want to teach the children to have integrity too and accomplishing that can be a difficult job as I am not their only influence. I think it is very important for children to understand and adhere to the moral standards of truth, right and wrong.

I want to have integrity. Pointing fingers at myself, I know I have to get in the car and get to work at all costs, to follow my sponsor’s instructions. It was right for me to go to work even though it was dangerous for me to be on the wintry road and I was grumpy at the administration for putting our lives at risk. At least we got another day under our belt.

If I have integrity, I am going to keep admitting when I am wrong. But I also have to admit that I’m right once in a while. I do my best to do what is right. If someone asks me how much money they owe me, I will give them the true amount. If someone asks me why I left a recent music concert early, I will say it is because I found the performer’s lyrics offensive. That is my truth.

If I have integrity, I tell the truth even when it is easier to lie. That means that when I am listening to someone and their circumstances are starting to make me sad to my core, I must either tell them, change the subject, or end the conversation. Over-responsibility and caretaking are not a healthy choice. Going into despair and not being able to function are not a good choice for me. I must build in a new behavior of taking care of myself.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

Positive Affirmations:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.

When I have integrity and something is done right, it is God doing it – which I think is true.

In sharing my thoughts about integrity it is easy to see how it is the principle behind step 5, as I have shared “the exact nature of my wrongs.”^[2]

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of integrity:

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation I ask God what the right thing is for me to do. He helps me see it clearly.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my integrity into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Ask the Observer: When I’m with others and I hear something I’m not sure about, I stop and take a time-out. I get into the Observer position and ask myself “Is this true for me? Do I agree with this?” I make a choice and speak my truth when the time is right.
• Turn it Over: I give it to God, ask him to take over, and let it go as much as possible. To do this, I say, “Dear Lord, let my words be your words, my thoughts be your thoughts, and my actions be your actions.” I do this as often as I need to.
• Breathe: I breathe in and out. I relax.
• More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day and helps me to hear and see the truth about myself. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Pat Myself on the Back: I realize that I’m doing the best I can to do what’s right and give myself credit for that.

^[1] Ibid., p. iv.

^[2] Ibid. pg. iv

Soul Searching

No more plastic world

No more cement walls

No more fake breasts

Eyelashes or makeup

Only purity

Leaves crunching under my feet

Rocks

Dirt

Twigs

Spirit is here

God is here

He loves me

Thank heavens

No more pretending to feel okay

No more lies

About how I feel

Just me my kid and God

Just me my kid and God

No more plastic world

Dear God I give you my life

~ No More Plastic World, by Juliet A. Wright,

copyright 2013, all rights reserved

Now I’ll confront my fears head on

Speak my truth, sing my song,

And if you choose to walk away,

After you’ve heard what I have to say, at least I believed in me.

~ All These Fears, from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2011, all rights reserved

The spiritual principle of soul searching lies underneath Step 4, which is about doing a fearless moral inventory. As I stated in my first book, when I take a fearless moral inventory “I am taking a sincere look at my positive and negative behaviors and belief systems (also defined as ‘defects of character’) as they have manifested themselves in my life.”

Wright, Juliet. Everything Is My Fault (Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012), p. 19.

My first book is my fearless moral inventory. This book is Part Two, and it is mostly about Soul Searching.

To me, soul searching means that I look deep within my true, spiritual self, to see the reality of what is there so that I can deal with it, fix it, enhance it or change it as is necessary to please God.

Soul searching is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 4:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.[1]

I have done many inventories. Every time I do a fearless moral inventory, I search my soul. I look under every rock, every piece of dirty carpet, under the moths in the window sill, under the front seat of the car and dig out all of the dirt. As painful as this process is, I look at the dirt for what it is, and I examine it. I am fearless. I know I have to deal with what is. I must face the truth.

In searching my soul, I look for the positive things too. I must always remember to do this. Inventories are not just about negative things. I tend to always dwell on the negative things about myself. I must acknowledge the good as well as the “needs improvement.”

When I do my soul searching, I look deep within myself to see what makes me tick. What do I believe in? What do I not believe in? What do I think? How do I feel? It’s taken me ten years just to figure this out and I’m still cracking the code that is me. I am just now learning what I think about things and how I feel at any given moment. I didn’t know anything about any of that until I started going through this program at 41 years old.

In searching my soul, I discover a Christian Quaker who has put God first in her life. I see someone who struggles with passivity, vanity, rage, selfishness, complaining, compulsiveness, and especially over-responsibility and caretaking. I see someone who wants to do what God wants her to do, but she also wants what she wants too. I will get over it, with God’s help.

Soul Searching is a precursor to acceptance. We must find the problem before we can accept it.

In searching my soul, I see a Juliet who must learn to set boundaries on what is and isn’t hers to fix. The 18 months that elapsed between my brother-in-law’s illness and death were too difficult and full of despair with me trying to cure cancer, fix my family, and still live my life. Of course, Pastor Jeremiah says in his What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do bible study that trials come along to make us stronger people. Satan brings them around to torture us, but God uses them to make us stronger. He is making us into the people he wants us to be.

Jeremiah, David. What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do (San Diego, CA: Turning Point for God, Inc., 2009, 2014), Audio CD 1.

In searching my soul, I see a Juliet who is starting to rely more and more on playing her violin. I need to play my violin to heal myself, to be disciplined, to be sane. I need to play my Wohlfahrt Etudes every day. I need to listen to and play Bach’s Partitas on a regular basis. I need this in my life. And you know what? My hard work is paying off. I’m getting better at it. This is me taking care of myself. It is me taking responsibility for the only person I can change and fix: me. And actually I can’t even do that. Only God can do that. I can be willing.

Soul searching is the opposite of spitting out some standard answer that sounds good just to get it over with, so I can go eat chocolate until my pain goes away. (I like to eat chocolate when I’m stressed, by the way. It does help, if only for a moment. Dark chocolate only, please.)

Soul searching is digging down deep for the truth until I find it, without fear. This means digging out all of the rocks of my denial, avoidance, and procrastination, throwing them aside, and continuing with my pick axe and shovel until I reach the truth of what is there and how I feel.

I think soul searching is an ongoing process, requiring much repetition and refinement, as silver (refined seven times). This means many inventories. How many? As many as is required to continue to peel off the layers of the onion that are hindering the true flavor of who I am and who God wants me to be. This is especially true of my over-responsibility and caretaking. Overcoming those defects is taking me a long time. I still want to fix everything for everyone I love. I still let thoughts of this take over my mind and soul in an unhealthy way. Little by little, however, I am getting better. The steps are tiny, but I am walking the path. It doesn’t matter if I have to redirect my thoughts from my family of origin or the sad demise of my friendship with Doris back to God every five seconds. As long as I do it, I am working my program, working on recovery.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work
• Observe, don’t react. The Observer is who you really are.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Relax and watch.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.

Positive Affirmation:

• I can look at the truth about myself and love myself anyway.
• I can make mistakes everyday.
• I am lovable.
• I recognize good things about myself.
• I love myself for who I am.

I am continuing to seek God and have Him shine the light on those dark parts of my cave where all the bugs and millipedes and creepy crawly things, bats, and icky muck live so I can get rid of them. I will keep doing this until I am the person God intended me to be. I’m doing the best I can.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of soul searching:

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my soul searching into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation I search my soul for what is there before God. He helps me see it clearly.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and sort out how I’m feeling about things.
• Readiness: I pray for the willingness and courage to be very honest and get the truth out of me.
• Other Inventory Formats: I research other inventory formats that might help me work on my defects of character and make choices about working on them. This gives me yet another lense through which to view myself.
• Attend Meetings: through sharing and listening at CoDA meetings God speaks to me and reveals more of the truth about myself.
• Program Literature: I read the Codependents Anonymous Basic Text, the Codependents Anonymous Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Workbook (often called the 12 and 12) and other literature. God speaks to me in this way too.
• Forgiveness: I forgive myself. This gives me the freedom to be really honest in my soul searching without fear of blame and shame. I realize that I’m doing the best I can and give myself credit for that.
• Release: I release my resentment. Resentment is a block to my healing.
• More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day and helps me to hear and see the truth about myself. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

Surrender

It’s not our show

It’s his to run,

We can only come home

Like the prodigal son

Do our best to give up control

Bide our time, walk in faith

~ Something to Believe In, from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved

I have to be able to surrender in order to live life in this world. It is just absolutely necessary. Otherwise I’ll drive myself completely crazy.

Surrender is one of the most basic and vital spiritual principles in the recovery program. It has become an essential spiritual practice for me. I surrender many things to God daily. I begin my day by getting on my knees and giving my day to God.
To me, surrender means that I give up control of something. In this case, I am giving up control of my life to God.

The principle of surrender is the river bed in which the water of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 3 flows:

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.^[1]

I have faith, confidence, and trust in Christ and in God’s divine plan for me. Why then do I not have confidence in my ability to follow him? Because I don’t surrender enough. It is insufficient for me to just get on my knees once in the morning and think, “Okay, now I’m set.” I am much too human and flawed for that. I have to practice surrendering every moment of every day.

Sometimes I am a poor example of a child of God. For example, I rage, I lose my temper. My commute is annoying. My inability to get my carcass out of the gym on time to have a relaxed drive to work, if that is possible, is hopeless and totally rage-producing. So I will pray for the willingness to be willing to have confidence in myself and to give up control, get up every morning, and try again. Give up control. Surrender.

The phone brings out the dark side of me also. I get mad when it rings. Ridiculous, I know. I feel responsible for whomever is on the other end of the line. I have to fix them, take care of them. After all, they are probably calling me for help right?

At the same time, I can’t control when the phone rings. I probably can’t control whatever the person is calling about or asking me to do either. I need to surrender the phone to God. This is a circumstance beyond my control. I will address the phone in more detail in a later chapter.

When I surrender, I give up control of my life to God. I mean I never really had control of it anyway, but I come to terms with this in my mind. God’s in charge. I can’t control whatever it is.

I surrender to God my over-responsibility and caretaking. I don’t have to fix or control it. I can let go. I can give it to God. I can’t fix it and I don’t have to fix it. I let go and let God.

Surrender takes the pressure off me. Let go, Juliet.

I had to surrender a lot during my brother-in-law’s illness (and eventual death). Many days I was sad about his illness to the point that I could barely function. I was desperately worried about my sister in all of this. I felt responsible for her and wanted to fix everything for her. I didn’t want either of them to hurt. I wanted them to get their “happily ever after.” This was codependency because it was bordering on my not being able to take care of myself. I was just about at a standstill with despair. I couldn’t fix it, nor was it my responsibility. Where were my boundaries? I needed to surrender all of this to God and I did, repeatedly. It was difficult. It hurt. I hurt for them. Still, I kept surrendering.

Yes, I have had to surrender my over-responsibility and caretaking to God. He is the only one who can take it away from my tortured soul.

I have to surrender my job to God too. I do this on a daily basis. Lately I have been too worried about what other people think of me. I have to give up my control of who takes my class, who has decided to quit who likes me, who doesn’t and whose parents are dissatisfied.

The good news is that I can lay down my arms to God. I don’t have to figure it out. Any of it. Even cancer. Juliet did not have to and could not cure cancer by the end of whatever day or days she was in a state of hopelessness. I don’t have to plan my life all out perfectly. All I have to do is my best, do what is in front of me, and trust that this was God’s will for me for that day. God can figure it out for me. He can pave the way for me and show me what he wants me to do. Whatever I did not get done today, he didn’t want me to get done. Whatever I got done, it is enough.

A Living Sacrifice

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

                  ~ Romans 12:1

I need to present my life to God as a living sacrifice. That means keeping my emotions out of things, like the CoDA Basic Text says:

In seeking God’s will for us for specific situations, we may be led to let go         emotionally and do nothing — neither taking nor making changes in our      path circumstances.^[2]

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospels will save it.”

~ Mark 8:34-35
This last bible verse was on my desk calendar a couple of days ago and this idea came to me:

God is in charge. I can surrender my life to him. Give my life over. Give up on controlling everything.

This is what surrender means to me. Whenever I was on the edge of despair over my brother-in-law’s illness , I got on my knees and surrendered. I gave it back to God. I Turned it over. Whenever I am in anguish over the demise of my long time friendship with Doris, I can give it over to God. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself.

The good news is that I don’t have to figure it out. I can abandon my need to control everything and be in charge. I can yield to the temptation to think I’m all that and I am in charge. I’m not in charge. I am just dust.

Surrender means to me that I will do today one step at a time and give every step to God. I will try my best to do what he wants me to do. I will put God first today. I will surrender. I will say this every morning. Just for today. Every day.

One step at a time. Live in gratitude.

Surrendering is becoming as natural as breathing for me. Today, that is. Right now. With every breath I am letting go and letting God.

It means surrendering my worries about Alice. Let go, Juliet. Detach. Surrender them to God. He will take care of her.

It means surrendering my responsibility to others. Here’s all these people God, please take over.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

Positive Affirmation:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides and strengthens me.

I was listening to Reverend Steve Mays on my way to work one day. He said that sometimes God removes people from our lives because we put too much emphasis on them. God wants the emphasis to be on him. This might be God’s work in my life right now. He wants me to put him first, do my job and most of all, do this book. That is my work on this planet right now. That is the job he has for me to do. I will do my best to do it.

Surrender means putting God in the driver’s seat. He’s the one who should be there. Not me. I mean He is there already and my control and spot in the driver’s seat is just an illusion. I just have to acknowledge that and get my stupid human ego out of the way. I will follow. I will listen. Thank you, God.

Surrender, Juliet. Let go. Just let go.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of surrender:

• Submission: I get on my knees and say, “I surrender, dear Lord; I surrender. I give you my life. It is about what you want, not about what I want.”
• More journaling: I journal to get the issues out of me.
• Scripture: I read my bible, especially verses that involve pouring out my soul to God and trusting him with my life.
• Worship: I worship through prayer and meditation. I talk to him through prayer and listen in meditation. Worship is complete surrender to God.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• God is in Charge: I remember that God is sovereign and he has a plan for me. All I have to do pray, listen, obey and let go.
• The God Within: I realize that there is part of God inside me and I can trust that.
• Breathe!: I breathe in and out.
• Let it Go: I let it go.
• Get Rid of Negativity: I burn my journal notes, if necessary, to get rid of that negativity.
• Relief: I feel better!
• Gratitude: I give thanks to my generous, forgiving, wonderful God. He is so good to me.
• More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Ibid., p. iv.

^[2] Ibid., p. 73

Faith

Then I embrace my loving God

He fits me like a glove.

~ My Sinking Ship from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2009, all rights reserved

Faith is one of the most fundamental, foundational, and important spiritual principles. I need to have faith in something greater than myself in order to be able to obtain victory over what I am struggling with. For me, it goes deeper than that. I have to have faith in order to even get out of bed and function in the morning. Faith is a huge part of my life and who I am. It’s a part of my every waking moment.

To me, faith means that I completely believe and trust in something, whether I see it in front of my eyes or not. I choose to believe it.

Two synonyms for faith are trust and hope.

Faith is believing the word of God and acting upon it no matter how I feel because God promises a good result.

~ James McDonald, author of Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late

Faith is the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things unseen.

~ Hebrews 11:1.

One of my favorite bible teachers said that faith is not a blind leap in the dark — that is superstition. Faith is based on knowledge, belief, and trust. That takes time.

To me, faith is my complete belief, trust, and confidence that something is true without having to see it first. I have faith that Christ was both fully human and fully God. I did not have to watch him rise from the dead or turn the water into wine in order to believe it. God has performed many miracles in my life. My experience of these miracles has helped to build my trust in Him. I do good things only because God does them through me. I can take no credit in the good I do in this world, except to say that I do my best to be obedient to him.

Faith is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 2:

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.^[1]

 I admit I am powerless over my over-responsibility and caretaking. I cannot control them. They are controlling me. My life has become unmanageable.

So what do I do? There must be something bigger, better, and more in control of everything to help me out here. There must be something out there that can do for me what I cannot do for myself, as program friends often say. That is God. He can help me. He can bring back my sanity.

I have complete confidence that God exists and is very present in my everyday life. He is the director of my life’s journey. I know I will be with Him when I die and go to heaven.

In order to have faith in someone, I must know them. In order to know them, I must spend time with them, understand them, and cultivate a relationship with them.

I trust God because I know God. I spend time with God. I spend time reading and listening to his Word, listen to Him at Meeting, during my morning worship, and on my way to work. I talk to and listen to Him throughout the day. Sometimes I am too tired to hear him. I am working on correcting that.

I would not be anywhere without my faith in God. I would have crumbled like a dry piece of coffee cake when Alex and I split up ten years ago. I was devastated, but God got me through it. I went to meeting. I met with my Clearness Committee. They told me of God’s will as we discerned it together. I knew these people and had spent time with them. I trusted them. I trusted the God that spoke through them.

If I had never met those committee members before, or hadn’t spent time on other committees with them, I would not have had that trust base. But I did. I trust the God that speaks through them. I trust the God that speaks through my therapist. I trust the God that spoke to me and told me to move to Vermont, do my book, do my music, cut my hair, and go back to my natural color.

I heard somewhere that faith is not believing God can, but knowing God will. I like that.

So it’s like walking across a rickety bridge over a canyon and trusting that if I’m meant to live I will live, and if I’m meant to die, I will die. And I will die willingly because that is what God wants.

Faith is trusting that whatever happens is meant to happen and is the will of God.
I have faith, trust, and confidence in my God. I recognize that he knows what is best for me. He has saved me from my sins. He will guide me through my life. Whatever happens will be his will and I will handle it one tiny step at a time. It will all work out. I will trust, have confidence in, and believe it will all work out the way God wants it to work out and it will be perfect.

I have a sign in my office that says, “Listen, Trust, Obey.” I will do my best to listen to God, trust what he says, and obey Him. I will turn it all over to Him and let go of the rest.

I have confidence in and rely on God that he will lead me down the path of this life that’s best for me to learn what I came here to learn.

I just wish I could do a better job of being his child. I wish I could do a better job of remembering and trusting that the Holy Spirit lives inside me and I can trust and follow that. I will work hard on that.

I have faith that God is there and he can help me with my over-responsibility and caretaking as I struggle with it daily. He is there and can protect me from myself as I worry, fret, stew, try to fix everything, save others from hurting or dying, trying to play God. I am not God. That is not my job. He has that job.

He will do his job. That is what Step 2 is – believing he is there and is sovereign. He is in control.

Sometimes it seems like the crisis wheel keeps spinning in our family with one thing after another. I worry it will spin out of control.

Other times I just plain get sick of the endless series of disasters that seem to come down our Family Pike. My sponsor tells me that this is just how life is.

So now, when I am fretting about all of this stuff, what is going to happen and how I can control it, I will stop and remember that there is a God and I turn it over to Him. Then I will let go and repeat helpful slogans to myself.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Be still and know I am God. ~Psalm 46:10
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.

Here is a slogan from Pastor James MacDonald that has been very helpful for me:

Let’s just trust God for that.^[2]

I will work hard on building trust, confidence, assurance, hope, and certainty in my ability to listen to and follow the God that is inside of me, instead of doubting, blaming, and shaming myself.

Positive Affirmations:

• There is that of God inside me.
• God doesn’t make junk. I am a perfect child of God.
• Doubting the God in me is like doubting God. I have faith in the God in me. I’m doing the best I can.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of faith:

• More Journaling: Writing gets everything out of me.
• Reflection: I look at what I wrote and admit my powerlessness over my defects of over-responsibility and caretaking.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation, I surrender my life to God and listen to Him. I am practicing my faith.
• Scripture: I become involved in daily bible study through the bible, bible audio CDs, and audio sermons.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• The God Within: I try to remember I have that of God inside of me and I can trust that.
• Pray Continuously: I talk to and pray to God throughout the day as much as possible. This can include giving thanks, surrendering on my hands and knees, or asking for help out loud.
• God Is In Charge: I realize that God has a plan for me and it will be revealed to me when the time is right.
• I’m Doing My Best: I realize I’m doing the best I can and give myself credit for that.
• Get To A Meeting: I get myself to a CoDA meeting, either in person, online, or just by myself reading the literature and meeting format. (Discussed in Recovery In Program)
• Step Work: I do step work, read it to my sponsor, or print it out on the computer and mail it to her, or both.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

Thank you, God!

^[1] Ibid., p. iv.

^[2] MacDonald, James. Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late (Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2001).

Honesty

With love I can see

Their souls search for truth

Eager to leave youth behind.

But can I see?

~ In Front of Me from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2008, all rights reserved

Honesty is one of the most vital spiritual principles in my recovery program. It is the foundation on which my spiritual growth and healing are built. I need to be able to be honest with myself and others about what I can and can’t control. An admission of powerlessness is the first move to getting well. I need to be truthful with myself and admit that I have no power over whatever defect I am dealing with, which right now is mainly over-responsibility and caretaking.
To me, honesty means that I tell the truth as I know it to be. I am completely up front, without holding back or altering it in any way.

Now therefore, go, and I will be thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.

~ Exodus 4:12

Note to God: Thank you God for doing my writing for me. All I have to do is listen and move my fingers. Honestly.
Honesty is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 1:

1. We admitted we were powerless over others, that our lives had become unmanageable.^[1]

To me, when I think about honesty, I think it is a fundamental, spiritual necessity, because it is where healing begins. In order to recover from codependency and grow spiritually, I have to face what is true, real, and right. Otherwise I am just lying to myself and cultivating deceit and giving Satan somewhere to hang his hat. Believe me, he doesn’t need any help. He is lurking around every corner trying to trip me up.

One of Minister George Fox’s epistles talks about dealing with truth. He says that the first move towards spiritual enlightenment begins with dealing with what is. One sits and looks truthfully at one’s self. What do you see?

Stand still in that which is pure, after you see yourselves;
and then mercy comes in.
After you see your thoughts, and the temptations,
do not think, but submit;
and then power comes.

            ~ George Fox^[2]

And what of unmanageability? Is my life unmanageable? When I’m caught up in trying to control and fix everyone, and am powerless over the telephone, and sliding down into despair to the point that I cannot function, yes my life has become unmanageable. Believe me, I have had that experience several times over the past two years.

During my brother-in-law’s illness and eventual death my over-responsibility and caretaking went crazy. I went on a quest to save him. I was obsessed with fixing him to the point that I could not take care of myself.
My first course of action was for me to be honest with myself and admit that I was out of control. I was powerless over others. My life had become unmanageable. Living inside my brain was unbearable.

My list of solutions to this begins the same as other lists, with journaling. I practice honesty by journaling every morning. This gets everything out of me and down on paper. I write down everything I’m feeling about my brother-in-law, his illness and eventual death, and all of the affects this had on my dear sister and her life, hopes, dreams and future. Then I pray, worship, and put notes in my God Box if I need to do that. This helps me let go of whatever I’m holding onto emotionally.

I try not to go to a place of blaming myself in this sincerity journey because it does not help anything. All it does is send me on a shame spiral, which doesn’t help. I’m still working on correcting this. Sometimes I do get into shame, which leads to extreme sadness and low self-esteem. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I make mistakes.

In my quest to tell the truth, I admit that I am a recovering codependent. I admit powerlessness over others. This is the essence of Step 1. I admit that sometimes I am powerless over myself. I confess to God that I use people, food, online shopping and sometimes alcohol to fill the emptiness inside of me and numb myself out. At this time of my life, I am truly struggling with over-responsibility and caretaking.

I admit powerlessness over my over-responsibility and caretaking. As soon as I do that, my over-responsibility and caretaking release their hold on me. The pressure is lifted. It’s funny, isn’t it? If I try to practice restraint with caretaking others, or to stop myself from bowing like a slave to the slave master telephone, I am unsuccessful. If I admit I have no control over it, the obsession leaves. If I hold on too tight to how I’m supposed to be fixing others and be at their beck and call, obsess about it, dissect it from every angle, I drive myself crazy. If I admit defeat and voice my powerlessness over others and their views of me, or whatever, I can let it roll off me like water off a duck’s back. That is freedom.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are only responsible for yourself.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.

I am not responsible for other people. I can’t fix them. That doesn’t mean I need to get back on the give-Juliet-grief train, but it does mean I can hold the situation out in front of me like the latest Rolling Stone magazine and realize it is not about me. (Really!) Everyone is responsible for their own life. Now that doesn’t mean that I can’t have compassion and empathy for what they’re going through. I do. But I cannot fix them, resolve their problems, or alter their choices. It’s not my job. I am powerless over it.

Being honest means admitting my defects of character of over-responsibility and caretaking. No sugarcoating, no excuses. Here I am. I am confessing that I engage in these behaviors. I do this. Let’s start from there. I am powerless over my over-responsibility and caretaking. That is honesty and it is a vital first step in the path towards recovery and a happier life.

I am speaking now about over-responsibility and caretaking, but it could be any of my other defects — such as compulsive overeating, obsessiveness, selfishness, vanity, workaholism, rage, or complaining. I need to be truthful and admit to them. Get that nasty, destructive denial out of there. All denial does is keep me stuck. I get the truth out of my body, feelings, and brain and on paper. I look at it honestly. There we have it. I am admitting what is. This is the truth. I face it, and then I breathe in and out. Now what do I do with it? I start working the other 11 principles and their corresponding steps on the defect I’m working on.

So honesty. Without honesty, there can be no forgiveness. Without honesty, there can be no faith, surrender, soul searching, integrity, or acceptance. It is an imperative principle on the path that leads to recovery.

In my honesty, I admit that I was on the treadmill a while back and was very, very sad about my brother-in-law’s illness (just prior to his death). I was feeling very sad and frustrated because I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t cure his illness. I was powerless over it. Yet I still felt that it was my responsibility to fix him, care for him, make it all better.

Then God spoke to me. He kept saying, “Aren’t you going to trust me? Aren’t you going to trust me?” I realized I could only see a small portion of the picture. He sees the whole story. He is the Master Architect, the guy with the blueprints.

Overall, being honest means being forthcoming about who I am, what I am, what I do and where I’m headed, where I’m at with God, and where I’m at with my program.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of honesty:

• More journaling: Writing gets everything out of me. I can never journal enough.
• Reflection: I look at what I wrote and admit my powerlessness over my defects of over-responsibility and caretaking.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation, I give this to God and listen to Him.
• Scripture: I read my bible, especially verses that involve pouring out my soul to God and trusting him with my life.
• Documentation: I document my thoughts on audiotape while driving and put them on the computer later.
• The God Within: I realize that there is part of God inside me and I can trust that.
• God is in Charge: I remember that God is sovereign and he has a plan for me. This is all part of my journey. It is all perfect.
• Don’t Judge: I refrain from judging what comes out of me when I’m honest. Then fear won’t be an issue. Just accept it for what it is.
• Listen: I remember that God speaks to me in many ways, not just in the bible, or in silent worship. He speaks to me through my sponsor, others at Coda meetings, and members of my Quaker meeting. I am always “listening” to what he has to say. The more I ask for guidance and listen, the more he speaks to me.
• More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous, Second Edition (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009), p. iv.

^[2] A Collection of Many Select and Christian

Epistles, Letters and Testimonies Written on Sundry Occasions, by

That Ancient, Eminent, Faithful Friend, and Minister of Christ Je-

sus, George Fox, (2013) RareBooksClub.com

In this story, I describe some issues I’ve had with fellow meeting attenders in the past. I’ve come to a place of service and acceptance, remembering “principles before personalities.” I also realize that I don’t have to fix others. Only myself.

Doing service work can be a very difficult thing. I do a lot of service for CoDA both at my home group, at the larger, Intergroup level, and through online meetings. I hold positions at both levels and both are equally rewarding and challenging.

Sometimes I have to deal with people who are not easy to deal with. I include myself in that group.

When I give service, it’s important that I do my service to give back and for no other reason. It’s good for me to remember this. Sometimes I come in with expectations. For example, I might expect gratitude. Sometimes I want to hear the words “thank you.” I don’t always hear those words. I know many other folks in service positions often do not hear those words, either.

Sometimes I want people to follow directions and do what I want them to do. They don’t always do this. This is a control issue on my part. Sometimes I have not made the directions as clear as I should have because I’m in a hurry. Sometimes I assume people know how to do things when they don’t. Those are my issues.

Codependents do things to gain approval from others. I am no different.

Codependents also expect people to know how they’re feeling without them saying it directly. I think it is hugely obvious on the outside how I’m feeling on the inside. That is not necessarily so. If I want someone to know how I’m feeling, I need to tell them.

Sometimes when I describe how to do something at a meeting, I assume people already know how to do it and know what I’m talking about. That is not always so.

I recently attended a CoDA meeting during which a fellow attender asked me if I had to chew gum. The meeting had not officially begun yet.

I sat for a moment and did not answer. This is progress for compliant, codependent Juliet. The old me would have been apologizing all over the place and spitting it out immediately. The new me paused. This is growth.

Now deep down inside, my inner child was saying, “Of course I have to chew gum! Give me a break! It’s part of how I cope!”

But I didn’t say that. I only thought it.

I took a deep breath.

“I’ll spit it out when the meeting starts but until then I get to chew it. That means I still have two minutes.”

I was boiling mad inside. But it wasn’t my meeting. It was everyone’s meeting. It’s God’s meeting. I needed to turn it over.

I started a CoDA meeting near me when my brother-in-law got sick. I did this in an effort to help myself cope with his illness. I had found so much helpful information in the Codependents Anonymous Basic text that I decided to start a basic text study.

I do a lot of service at this meeting. I basically do most every service position as it has been a fairly small meeting. That means I do most of the leading, set up the room, and put stuff away. I’m the literature person, I’m treasurer, and Group Service Representative (GSR). (The GSR attends the meetings of the larger CoDA organization.)

Given the situation, it’s understandable that I would claim ownership of this meeting in my mind. But that isn’t true. It’s God’s meeting.

I’ve been lucky enough to find someone to fill in for me when I have had to be absent. I am grateful to these people for their service. They don’t, however, always do things the way I like. Mistakes have been made with the literature. Next time, I’ll need to be clearer about the job, procedures, and expectations.

I recently realized that I needed to make amends with the person who made mistakes with the literature at my meeting. I called up the person in question and left a message on her cell phone. I apologized for not being clear about the literature job, prices, procedures and expectations. In doing this I completed a Step 9.

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]

 I did the amends for me. I felt better after hanging up the phone. I have never heard back from her, which made me a little sad. But I made the amends for myself. I cleaned my side of the street. I did not do it to win her approval.

This situation with the literature brought back a memory. A person who doesn’t come anymore complained about how I always announce the literature and she didn’t understand why. So I stopped announcing it. Look where it got me. The new people didn’t know what to do and now we have lost literature and are out the money for it. Juliet can be compliant when it does not serve her.

 The facility we use for meetings is run by volunteers. This means that sometimes things such as flyers, postings, and announcements frequently disappear. I usually have to correct this. I get annoyed, but remember that this is my service work. I am giving back. People aren’t perfect. I’m not either. We all do our best.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at Work:

Your moods and actions are my fault.

• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I am always wrong.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

(Note: I do have fear of abandonment and rejection. This fear would make me think, “I can’t be myself and express my feelings. If they know who I really am, they will realize how awful I am and they will leave. Then I won’t have a meeting.” Reacting out of fear will not solve anything. I have to do my best to be of service as joyfully as I can and still be true to myself. The rest is up to God. It’s God’s meeting, not mine.)

• I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing else will do.
• I am less than.

Nobody is perfect but God. We all do our best and that is all that’s required.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

This is all my fault. I did something wrong.

• They are right. I am wrong.

 But I didn’t do anything wrong. I did my best. They did their best too.

The recovery that is evident here is that I used to say:

I am not conscious of my own moods. I am conscious of your moods.

• If you’re happy, I’m happy.

I can’t say that here. I do know how I felt right then. I was angry.

I did however engage in:

I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.

I engaged in the second half of that, at least. I decided that what I wanted wasn’t important. I did compromise. Good for me. I was giving, not selfish.

 I think this is why they developed that saying, “Principles before personalities.” To me, this means that when we deal with people we have to practice forgiveness, humility, trust, honesty, spirituality, faith, integrity, soul searching, surrender, service, and maintenance. That sounds like a mouthful, but what it means is that we need to consider these principles when dealing with others, not just decide we don’t like a person because of how they act so they must be a wrong, bad person. To put it another way, we need to love and accept the person inside of them, not the behavior.

 I was speaking with my sponsor and she said that it is second nature for a codependent to be selfish. I want my gum and to be able to chew it too. I want my literature taken care of in a certain way. My way. But life isn’t like that. Through service work, I am learning to be self-less.

Sometimes in program and at meetings, we come across people who are in need of a lot of support. Sometimes I come away thinking, “How can I fix them? What do I need to do?” I am concerned.

During these times, I think about the person and ask God what to do. More often than not, he reveals to me that perhaps this person is in need of more support than I can give them. It’s not my job to fix them. That is God’s job. My job is to be a good listener. That I can do.

My sponsor told me that when you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything. So, I need to do nothing.

This is recovery too. The old codependent Juliet would have flown in there with her Wonder Woman cape and made it her mission to fix the person. Enter another defect of character:

•  If you hurt, I hurt: I think I have to fix you.

I don’t have to do that now. I can be a source of support, but on my terms. I don’t have to stop my whole life, be there for them every minute, and deny myself of my life.

My job is to stay in constant contact with God and do what he wants me to do. I know he wants me to be of service because Jesus said so. When I serve, I am ultimately serving God, not just others or myself. I must always remember this and do my best to be of service no matter what. One of my main avenues of service to God is through CoDA. I can’t forget that.

All of this is the result of years of hard work, working the program. This is recovery. I am grateful.

[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous, Second Edition (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009), p. iv.