I am a much more forgiving person than I used to be, thanks to program. I can actually put this character trait in the positive list. What a pleasure it is to be able to do that. It has taken a lot of hard work to be able to get to this place of forgiveness.
Thanks to program, I am now able to release the anger, resentment, and blame that I feel towards someone or myself for a wrong that has been done against me. I can now let it all go and move forward.
Now I need to qualify this. I can release the anger, resentment, and blame provided I work my program and the steps on the issue first. I do this along with the work I outlined in the “Forgiveness” section of “The Principles.” This enables me to come face-to-face either with what I’ve done to a person or what I think the person has done to me. Then I can make amends and make a commitment to change my behavior as is appropriate to the situation at hand.
I forgive Doris for not accepting my amends. I forgive her for thinking and speaking negatively about me. I forgive her for everything I think she has done to me.
I forgive myself for not being perfect in this friendship. I forgive myself for judging myself for not being available to her 24 hours a day. I forgive myself for calling myself selfish for not being available 24/7 when I was really just taking care of myself. I know I did the best I could with this friendship. That is all I can expect from anyone, including myself.
Thus I am learning forgive myself. I am trying to learn not to be so hard on myself. Being hard on myself does not serve me. I am learning to forgive others because I’m learning to forgive myself. It all starts with me.
Working my program has allowed me to put that bag of bricks of resentment down and feel the freedom that comes with true forgiveness. It feels great and is God-given. I am grateful.
I am very thankful for the willingness God has placed in my heart to follow this program of recovery. I am very grateful for the willingness He has placed in my heart to follow Him and do His will. Not only am I willing to follow and serve Him, but I yearn to follow and serve Him. That is a gift from God.
I am willing. What a wonderful positive character trait this is for my list. I am willing to follow and serve God. I am willing to do my step work, go to meetings, be of service in CoDA at the local and regional levels. I am willing to journal, worship, work out, pound and yell, read my bible, connect with my inner child, read my step work to my sponsor, and work with my therapist. I am willing to experience all of the good that comes from working this program.
I am willing to face the challenges that this program offers, because I know at those tough times that recovery is just around the corner. If there weren’t challenges, we would have nothing to face. I am willing to face them. I may not even see the results right away on something I am working on in the program. That is when I need to practice humility, knowing that I am on God’s timing, not my own, and He knows best. Then I need to accept His timing as being the best timing that could happen to me now. Then I have to practice patience until such a time that I see recovery start to happen. And it will happen. The fact that it has already happened in so many areas reassures me, plus I have my strong trust in God.
In being willing to face the challenges, I admit that I am willing to fall down and skin my knees once in a while. I may have fallen down with Connie in “Keeping My Eyes on Christ,” Veronica in “Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Rejection,” and Louis in “Don’t React in the Classroom.” The good news is that I was willing to get back up and try again. Try again I did. The scars on my knees have healed and I have come away with new game plans, such as my wonderful Process Four:
Don’t take it personally.
Don’t react.
Stick to business and just teach music.
Think before you speak.
This too shall pass.
Let it go.
I had to be willing to listen to God to receive this process, which I did. Then I had to be willing to practice it, which I also did. I am forever grateful. This process has been very, very helpful to me, especially in my teaching life.
Thanks to this process, the story with my student Veronica has a happy ending. Veronica remained in orchestra for the rest of the year and we continued our lessons together. (Her class schedule was complicated and thus I found a time to teach her privately.) I practiced my Process Four faithfully during our lessons and it really paid off. Our lessons were focused and productive. She did a great job on the orchestra music and did a fantastic duet with me. I was very proud of her. At the end of the concert, her mom came up to me, gave me a big hug and smile, and took my picture with Veronica. I echoed their enthusiasm and told Veronica’s mom how proud I was of her daughter’s performance. It was a great ending to my evening. I was humbled and grateful. None of this would have happened if I had not been willing to follow my process and change my behavior.
I am willing to change, grow, accept, surrender control, work hard, and admit when I’m wrong. Whenever I’m not willing, I pray for the willingness to be willing. I also make use of my mantras, positive affirmations, and additional practices as outlined in the “Willingness” section in “The Principles.” The more I do this work, the more willing I become. This is recovery.
I think I am a pretty humble person. Just saying that probably takes me out of the humility mode, but it’s true. I add humble to my list of positive character traits. I know that I am not better than anyone else. I don’t have all the answers and I’m not in charge. God is in control and I am here to do what he wants me to do. There is a God and it is not me.
I think my recognition of God as the ruler of my life is the key idea that keeps me humble. Humble and secure. I know He is in charge and knows all. He is not only all powerful, but super smart. It would be pretty scary to think that I had placed my life in the hands of a being that didn’t know anything. God forbid. Thank heavens that is not the case.
I start at the top of the ladder with God as the king of my life. Then I instantly know that I am not in that spot. I must follow him and do his will.
I try to follow this pattern with all of the leadership in my life. The leaders in my life are there for a reason. I humble myself before the administrators that lead me in my teaching job and do as they ask. They know how to do their job better than I do and I need to do my best to follow them.
In a previous section on pride, titled “I’m Not My Job,”I discussed a situation in which I was asked to teach a child music notation in a way consistent with the local music school’s and a parent’s wishes. In this case, I put aside my bruised ego, humbled myself, and did my best to teach the child letter names as I was asked to do. It wasn’t about me, it was about the student. I wanted to do what was best for the her.
This humbling act benefited me and the student greatly. At the end of the year, this student wrote me one of the nicest “thank you” notes I have ever received. In this note, she thanked me for teaching her how to play the viola. She also stated that she never would have played the viola if it wasn’t for me, that I’m very good at teaching her, and she is sad to not be studying with me anymore. I was moved to tears by this beautiful note. I have it framed on my wall. I will remember this beautiful student always.
I also humble myself before the authorities of law and government. They are clearly in charge and sit above me on the authority ladder. I need to follow their rules and guidance. Thank heavens I live in the wonderful United States of America where I can say that in comfort. God bless the freedom and safety I was born into in the United States. I am grateful to live in a country where I can practice my religion and not be tortured or killed for it. I live in a country where I can openly say that I am a Christian Quaker and I humbly follow God. Thanks be to God for this gift.
I will continue working my program to become more humble. I am thankful for the humility I have been able to acquire through my hard work, but I still have more work to do in this area. My mantras, positive affirmations, additional practices, and work on the principles will continue to help me with my humility.
Despite my episodic struggles with acceptance, I am grateful to report that working my program of recovery is turning me into a more accepting person. I am so grateful to be able to say that Juliet is a more accepting person today.
I am more accepting of many things in my life now, thanks to the work I’ve done in my program. I am more accepting of how much work I get done in a day, for example. I still struggle with workaholism, but just having an awareness of my tendency to go overboard in this area helps me to rein it in when I need to do that. Then I can pray for the willingness to be willing to accept whatever I got done that day as God’s will. Then I can pray to accept it, then let it go.
I still struggle with accepting difficult circumstances, such as my brother-in-law’s illness and eventual death that I have written about throughout this book. Illness and death are some of the most difficult issues for any human being to face and I am no different. The good news is that I have done extensive recovery work on this issue and have come to a place of acceptance around it. I still miss him very much and still fret about my sister and her grief process but now I am accepting that things are how they are. I’m not running down the street trying to change it.
I am much more accepting of my own defects of character. I still have these defects, of course; but thanks to the work I’m doing in recovery, the defects are lessening, bit by bit, a little at a time. In addition to this work, my practice in the position of the observer has enhanced my ability to step into that mode much more quickly than I used to in the past. I can then recognize when I’m practicing a behavior that doesn’t serve me. (This could be rage, workaholism, obsessiveness, or compulsiveness, etc.) Now instead of beating myself up every time I fall into practicing one of my defects, I simply acknowledge my awareness of the behavior, accept it, and make a different choice. This is progress. This is recovery.
When I’m having a difficult time accepting reality as it is, then I use the tools. I chant my mantras, positive affirmations, and slogans, engage in journaling, worship, take a walk, and focus on my breathing.
I am grateful to God for giving me this program that has helped me to become a more accepting person.
I am a moral person. I have an inner sense of what is right and strive to follow that inner sense in all areas of my life. I am dedicated to living a life by ethical and moral standards that are based on honesty and truth. I am devoted to doing what is righteous in the eyes of God to the best of my ability. This is really important to me.
I am honest and forthright in my business dealings. I communicate honestly about what I want and need to the people I contract with. As I described in “Replace the Face,” I have had to work hard to be able to say what I mean, mean what I say, and stand up for myself in some of my business negotiations. This meant learning not to take things personally, keeping business as business, and learning not to place my past family issues on the people I work with today. None of this has been easy, but it has been well worth the hard work and learning that was required.
I pay people based on our agreements right away without argument, whether it’s a building contractor, the phone company, my mortgage company, the IRS, the Vermont sales tax folks, or the man in the toll booth on the highway. (Once I was driving home from Boston late at night and got into the EZ Pass lane by accident. I ended up having to call the highway department and pay a big fine. I highly recommend paying attention on the road and paying the toll. It’s much cheaper!)
I use my inner sense as an inner compass that points me in the direction of what is true and just for Juliet. If I am engaged in something that is dishonest, I can feel it. That is the God in me directing me toward the Light and away from the Dark. A good example of this is the incident with the CoDA meeting attender that was engaging in 13th stepping that I wrote about in “Recovery in Program.” When I was on the phone with this individual and judgments were sent my way, I knew in my gut they weren’t right. It took me a minute to discern how I knew this and why it was so. It took me another bit of time to articulate this to the other person involved. But the inner compass was there working and it is of no credit to me that this was so. This was all God’s doing. All good in me comes from God. That is a gift from God to me. I am grateful.
Now this doesn’t mean that I’m always right or that I always do the right thing. I think the other hundreds of pages in this book are testament to the fact that I do admit when I’m wrong and I’m wrong a lot. That is part of knowing what’s true and admitting it.
My inner compass also helps me to engage in demanding honesty when I do my 5th Step (5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs[1]). I tell the truth about myself, what I’ve done, what I haven’t done, how I feel, how I think I should feel, and how worried I am about how the person involved feels or what they think of me. I must engage in this absolute moral truth when doing this work. Otherwise I am just spinning my wheels.
As a Christian Quaker, I get a lot of guidance on what is right for me morally from the bible. That is just what’s right for me.
I am grateful that God has made to be a moral person. I am so thankful to him for placing in me a dedication to living a life based on honesty and truth. I’m not perfect at it, but He knows that and loves me anyway. Maybe He appreciates the fact that I keep trying. I hope so. Thank you God for this inner compass. May it always be pointing me towards your truth and love.
[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.
I am a fearless and dedicated seeker. This is another one of my positive character traits. I am fearless about my seeking. I am fearless about searching my soul to see what is there. As I discussed in the “Soul Searching” section of “The Principles,” that is what I do when I do a Step 4, or a fearless moral inventory. If and when I do become fearful, I give my fears to God. I ask Him for help.
I am very dedicated to the soul searching that I engage in when I’m doing my inventories. I think my books and music are testaments to that. I have left nothing behind, no stone left unturned. That is the whole point, as far as I’m concerned. I need to keep working the program to keep growing spiritually. I need to keep growing spiritually in order to grow closer to God and become the kind of person He wants me to be. I can’t grow if I’m not willing to look honestly at myself to see what’s really there. Otherwise I’m just wasting my time.
And to me, working my 12-Step program means not working the steps just once, but multiple times (thus all the inventories). This takes the dedication of time, effort, and stamina. It involves being willing to look at myself honestly without getting so discouraged that I walk away. And when I get so discouraged at what I see that I want to walk away, I have to pray for the willingness to be willing to stay with it, accept where I’m at, and be willing to work on it to change. All of this is done with God’s help.
I am a fearless, dedicated seeker in other areas of my life too. That is how I came to play the cello. That is how I got my job of being a strings teacher. One has to be quite fearless and dedicated to do this job because stringed instruments are by far the most difficult instruments to play, especially the violin. In my opinion, it is the most difficult instrument of all of them to play. But I wanted to learn, so I started working at it. I got a job. I still work at it. I did not let the difficulty of the instruments or job scare me away. I dedicated myself to it. My soul is grateful as I have found playing this music very fulfilling. I have referred to this throughout this book.
I am proud of myself for being a fearless, dedicated seeker. Thanks be to God for the gift of this positive character trait.
I am a compliant person. That is one of my positive character traits. It is my nature to surrender myself to a power greater than myself and do as I’m asked.
Now wait a minute, didn’t I spend several pages a while ago expounding on how my compliance is a negative thing? Yes, but my compliance can be a good thing when it placed in the right context.
When I say I’m compliant, I could also use the words submissive and obedient. I submit to the authority of God. I submit to the authority of my employers. I am obedient to the authorities of the law and the government.
It is my compliance that allows me to surrender my life to God. It is this part of my character that places me under His authority and asks me to be obedient to His direction in my life. So when He asks me to have worship every morning, I do that. When I am asked to read my bible every day and listen to taped sermons or bible studies, I do that. When I am asked to refrain from exposing myself to media that is potentially detrimental to my walk with Him, I obey. When He asks me to go to Quaker Meeting to worship and serve, I am obedient. When he asks me to get in here and write my book, I do that. He even gives me direct instruction on what to write. I am compliant and do my best to be obedient to him. I believe in this strongly. It is very important to me.
I submit to the authority of my employers. I have been given a job to do and I do it to the best of my ability. I don’t always agree with how things are run at my job. I don’t always agree with the decisions that are made or how the money is spent. But they are my employers or bosses, if you will. I have been hired to perform certain duties. I have not been hired to give my opinion, run programs, or design the budget. I have been hired to teach. So that is what I do. I submit to their authority, comply with their rules and requirements, and do my best to fulfill the duties that have been set before me. This is positive compliance. This is the good kind.
I am compliant with the dietary program that was set up for me by my dietitians and weight loss program, Weight Watchers, at least most of the time. No one is perfect. I do my best to follow their guidelines and it is in my best interest to do that.
In these contexts, my compliance is a positive character trait. It gives me the ability to surrender.
I am a very faithful person. This is another one of my positive character traits. I am faithful to the people, organizations, and programs to which I have dedicated my life.
First and foremost, I am faithful to God. I have spoken often in this book of my love for and devotion to God. My faith is the most important part of my life.
I am faithful to my Quaker Meeting. I go every Sunday to Bennington Friends Meeting in Bennington, Vermont. I am faithful in fulfilling the positions and duties to which I have committed myself on their behalf.
I am faithful to my family. I stay in weekly contact with members of my family and get together with them in person when I can. The person I’m closest with is my sister, Alice. The only other family I have left is extended family and unfortunately we don’t get to see each other that often. I do, however, connect with them by phone.
I am faithful to my friends. My friendship circle is and has always been fairly small, as I’ve never been a very social person. But with a few close people, I make an effort stay in contact and offer support to them.
I am faithful to my CoDA meetings. I always try to attend no matter what else is happening in my life. The online meeting that I host meets once a week. I make an effort to always be available to host and when I can’t I get a sub.
I am faithful to my sponsor and the work we do together. I do my step work every week and meet with her afterwards to read it to her.
I am faithful to my students. I strive to keep my students inspired, encouraged, and playing their instrument. I don’t give up on them. I have a student that we will call London (not her real name). I have had London in my violin class for a couple of years now. I had taught her in two different schools, as she had moved once during my time as her teacher. When she moved to her new school, Matthews School, her lessons happened to fall during her recess time. (This was the only time I was allowed to teach these students at this particular school.) So she attended class once or twice, but then stopped attending. I contacted her mother via email and let her know that London had missed class. London continued to miss class, but I kept emailing her mother, and asked for information and updates. Each time I contacted London’s mom, she responded, saying her daughter was still in the class and she was sorry that London kept missing class. She promised to correct the situation.
When London finally did show up at class, we had an open and honest conversation about violin class, the need for promptness and participation, and the need for her to attend even though it was during recess.
Something happened to London that day. She renewed her commitment to violin class. She came faithfully every week and tried her best. I did my best to take her at the playing level she was at and to help her improve. She attended every class after that day and came to both concerts. She dressed up for the concerts and played her best. Perhaps the greatest part of all of this is that she seems to really enjoy violin now. I didn’t give up on London. I was faithful to her and kept trying to reach her and get her to believe in herself. It ended up being a good experience for her and for me. I am faithful to my students.
I am faithful to my self-care plan. The worship, journaling, exercise, diet, practicing of my instruments, and writing that I’ve mentioned throughout this book are a vital part of my recovery and I am devoted to them.
I am faithful to my food plan. I cook my food once a week, usually on Sundays. I portion out my food into containers so that I have it to eat during the week. I faithfully write in my food journal every day and count my Weight Watchers points. I attend Weight Watchers Meetings once a week and read their magazine. I read my Overeaters Anonymous Lifeline magazine cover to cover when I get it. I work the OA steps and write in the workbook when I need that support.
I am a faithful person. I am grateful to God for giving me this faith and helping me to carry out my faith in all that I do. I could never do it without His help.
When I’m engaged in practicing the spiritual principles, I can view them as positive character traits. For example, when I’m practicing honesty, I can say I am an honest person.
Honest
I’m an honest person. This is a positive character trait that I possess. I always try to tell the truth to myself and others. That is where I have to start in life.
One good benefit from working the program of CoDA is that I have become even more honest. I am more honest with myself and with others. I have heard it said in meetings and have read in literature that working the program demands “rigorous honesty” and I agree with that.[1] It is only by being honest with myself that I will recover.
And I am honest with myself. This document is a testament to that. I admit my deficiencies and my freely. For instance, I look in the mirror and admit that I have issues with food. I realize as a result of this that I have to spend time and effort on diet, exercise, and recovery programs to take care of myself. I have to admit that I am a workaholic. Thus I need to remember to program rest and relaxation into my life. I have to admit that I have fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. These defects tend to affect how I relate to others. This is me being honest with myself.
I have become more honest with others as well. However, just because I’m honest doesn’t mean that I should go “shooting my mouth off” all over the place expounding on what I think about things all the time. There are times and places for things. If someone asks my opinion about something, I will tell them. But if they don’t ask, I will work on keeping my mouth closed. I address this issue in my Process Four and also in “Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Rejection” in the situation with my student who was headed for middle school. Keeping my mouth closed is often a good idea.
I can definitely see that one way working program has helped me to be more honest is in my communication with others. Quite specifically, I have become more honest with people who are close to me. This means that when it is appropriate, I will tell the truth about how I feel and what I think about something, even if it’s difficult to do that. For a compliant, conflict-avoidant codependent such as myself, this can be difficult. It’s often easier for me to just go along with what others want, instead of sticking up for myself.
Enter Juliet’s Codependency Pattern:
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.[2]
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection rear their ugly heads when I disagree with someone because I’m afraid they will leave.
Thanks to program I’m learning to speak my truth, even if it means potential conflict or rejection by someone that I love. I will say what I need, what I want, and trust God to help me. There is still a twinge of fear there when I do it, but slowly it’s getting better. I remind myself to be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
I strive to be honest in all matters in my life. I like that about myself.
[1] Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, 4th ed. New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 2001, p. 58.
[2] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
There’s a lot to be said for being a good listener. My favorite guidance counselor in junior high told me that when I was in seventh grade and I never forgot it.
I really hated seventh grade. All of junior high stunk, in my opinion. No one liked me, my face was broken out, I was fat, hiding in food, and felt completely alone in the world. All that was on my mind was being liked by the girls in my class and capturing the attention of whatever mismatched, father-clone-bad-news guy I had set my heart on. My heart was always getting broken and very few people liked me.
My guidance counselor was a like a lighthouse in the storm of middle school. He listened to me and urged me to listen to others.
A lot of the time, all a person needs is to be heard. They don’t need suggestions, ideas, or fixes. They need to express themselves in a safe environment. It’s vital that the person speak their truth and get it out of themselves.
I think I’m a pretty good listener. That is one of my positive character traits. I try and listen no matter how long the person goes on or what they’re saying. I nod and say, “Hmmm,” so they know I’m really hearing them. I try not to comment, judge, or make suggestions. That’s not what they really want or need, nor is it my place to do that. People seem to gravitate to me in this manner. They tend to pour out their soul to me on the spot. They seem to like me to listen to them. I am honored, humbled, and grateful that they feel comfortable sharing with me in this way.
CoDA meetings are full of good listeners. That is what is so cool about program. Crosstalk and feedback are discouraged. This means that we are not supposed to make comments on another’s share, answer them, or make suggestions. We are not supposed to fix, control, manipulate, judge, condemn, direct, scold, compliment, or praise. We are not there to fix each other. We are there to recover. We are there to let the God in others speak to us through their experience, strength, and hope as shared in meetings. We are there to let God speak through our own shares to others. I heard it said in a meeting once that we are there to help one other person in the meeting if we can. I have always remembered that and carry it with me.
I need for someone to listen to me too, so I go to meetings, have a sponsor, and a therapist. When there’s no one available to listen to me, I journal. I write and write until it’s out of me. I always feel better afterwards. If what I’ve written is really negative stuff, then I burn it afterwards. The burning of this negative writing symbolizes the death of those dark feelings. I learned this practice from my therapist and have used it for years. It is a very effective practice for me.
One thing that occasionally inhibits my ability to be a good listener to others is the chatter that goes on in my head. Sometimes my mind wanders and pretty soon I’m worried about the emails and phone calls I have to return, the busy schedule I have on deck for tomorrow, and how I’ll be able to get everything done. When I catch myself in this act, I just bring myself back to the moment and back to active listening.
When this happens, it’s usually a sign that I’m feeling overloaded. I need to bring the listening session to an end and go take care of myself. If I’m unable to listen at that moment, I’ll need to speak up and say so. This is difficult for me because I was taught at an early age to never, ever interrupt people. So I rarely cut people off when they’re speaking. I do get caught in monologues a lot of the time. When this happens, I try to look at it as me being of service to someone. That is me, as they say in program, taking a 12-Step call. The person needs to be heard. I am giving them that sounding board.
I usually engage in negative self-talk when my mind wanders during a share or I consider ending a listening session with someone. I accuse myself of being selfish and self-serving. I need to get over myself and be of service to this individual by giving them an ear.
That is what Jesus would do. He would listen. He wouldn’t be stewing over his endless “to do” list while Peter was pouring his heart out about how he felt like such a schmuck for denying him. Jesus would have listened and he did.
But then there’s a scene in the bible (Luke 4:42 and 5:16), where a huge crowd of people is waiting for Jesus to come and heal them. However he does not stay, but leaves to go and pray to his heavenly father. Wow! Even Jesus takes time to take care of himself. That is comforting. Self-care is in the bible.
My therapist once told me that when others share their troubles with me, it is my job to be a good listener if I choose to do that and if I have time to be there for them. I don’t need to fix their problems, take on their feelings, or obsess about them. I just need to listen. When I’m done listening to them, I can take everything they told me, put it in that imaginary goblet I’ve mentioned before, and offer that goblet up to God. I give it to Him and let it go. He is the only one who can fix it anyway. This practice works well for me so I use it a lot.
My Quaker friend Beth was an excellent listener. She was an incredible human being and gave so much of herself to others in many ways. Her greatest gift was her ability to listen to others without judgment. She could find something good in everyone and everything. That is a unique and rare gift. I miss her and I want to be like her in that way; kind, loving, giving, with an incredible ability to listen without condemnation.
I can learn to be like her if I learn to listen without judgment to my own troubles, fears, inadequacies, failures, inner-most pain, and disappointments. I have to learn to love myself enough to believe I don’t deserve to hurt like that. Then I need to do what’s necessary to take care of and heal myself. That means journaling, worship, meditation, working the steps, going to meetings (CoDA and Quaker), sharing, listening, doing service work, doing my music, art, writing, and occasionally sitting down and just breathing in and out.
I will strive to continue to be a good listener to others and to myself, to the best of my ability.
