It’s not our show

It’s his to run,

We can only come home

Like the prodigal son

Do our best to give up control

Bide our time, walk in faith

~ Something to Believe In from Fearless Moral Inventory

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved

I have to be able to surrender in order to live life in this world. It’s just absolutely necessary. Otherwise I’ll drive myself completely crazy.

Surrender is one of the most basic and vital spiritual principles in the recovery program. It has become an essential spiritual practice for me. I surrender many things to God daily. I begin my day by getting on my knees and giving my day to God.

To me, surrender means that I give up control of something. In this case, I am giving up control of my life to God. 

The principle of surrender is the river bed in which the water of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 3 flows:

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.^[1]

I have faith, confidence, and trust in Christ and in God’s divine plan for me. Why then do I not have confidence in my ability to follow him? Because I don’t surrender enough. It is insufficient for me to just get on my knees once in the morning and think, “Okay, now I’m set.” I am much too human and flawed for that. I have to practice surrendering every moment of every day.

Sometimes I am a poor example of a child of God. For example, I rage, I lose my temper. My commute is annoying. My inability to get my carcass out of the gym on time to have a relaxed drive to work, if that is possible, is hopeless and totally rage-producing. So I will pray for the willingness to be willing to have confidence in myself and to give up control, get up every morning, and try again. Give up control. Surrender.

The phone brings out the dark side of me also. I get mad when it rings. Ridiculous, I know. I feel responsible for whomever is on the other end of the line. I have to fix them, take care of them. After all, they are probably calling me for help — right?

At the same time, I can’t control when the phone rings. I probably can’t control whatever the person is calling about or asking me to do either. I need to surrender the phone to God. This is a circumstance beyond my control. I will address the phone in more detail later.

When I surrender, I give up control of my life to God. I mean I never really had control of it anyway, but I come to terms with this in my mind. God’s in charge. I can’t control whatever it is.

I surrender to God my over-responsibility and caretaking. I don’t have to fix or control it. I can let go. I can give it to God. I can’t fix it and I don’t have to fix it. I let go and let God.

Surrender takes the pressure off me. Let go, Juliet.

I had to surrender a lot during my brother-in-law’s illness (and eventual death). Many days, I was sad about his illness to the point that I could barely function. I was desperately worried about my sister in all of this. I felt responsible for her and wanted to fix everything for her. I didn’t want either of them to hurt. I wanted them to get their “happily ever after.” This was codependency because it was bordering on my not being able to take care of myself. I was just about at a standstill with despair. I couldn’t fix it, nor was it my responsibility. Where were my boundaries? I needed to surrender all of this to God and I did, repeatedly. It was difficult. It hurt. I hurt for them. Still, I kept surrendering. 

Yes, I have had to surrender my over-responsibility and caretaking to God. He is the only one who can take it away from my tortured soul.

I have to surrender my job to God too. I do this on a daily basis. Lately I have been too worried about what other people think of me. I have to give up my control of who takes my class, who has decided to quit, who likes me, who doesn’t, whose parents are happy with me, and whose parents are dissatisfied.

The good news is that I can lay down my arms to God. I don’t have to figure it out. Any of it. Even cancer. Juliet did not have to and could not cure cancer by the end of whatever day or days she was in a state of hopelessness. I don’t have to plan my life all out perfectly. All I have to do is my best, do what is in front of me, and trust that this was God’s will for me for that day. God can figure it out for me. He can pave the way for me and show me what he wants me to do. Whatever I did not get done today, he didn’t want me to get done. Whatever I got done, it is enough.

A Living Sacrifice

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,

to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God,

which is your spiritual worship.

~Romans 12:1 (NIV)

I need to present my life to God as a living sacrifice. That means keeping my emotions out of things, like the CoDA basic text says:

In seeking God’s will for us for specific situations, we may be led to let go emotionally and do nothing — neither taking nor making changes in our path circumstances.^[2]

The following bible verse was on my desk calendar a couple of days ago:

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospels will save it.”

~ Mark 8:34-35 (NIV)

Looking at that bible verse, an idea came to me:

God is in charge. I can surrender my life to him. Give my life over. Give up on controlling everything.

This is what surrender means to me. Whenever I was on the edge of despair over my brother-in-law’s illness, I got on my knees and surrendered. I gave it back to God. I turned it over. Whenever I am in anguish over the demise of my long-time friendship with Doris, I can give it over to God. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself. 

Surrender means to me that I will do today one step at a time and give every step to God. I will try my best to do what he wants me to do. I will put God first today. I will surrender. I will say this every morning:

One step at a time. Live in gratitude.

Surrendering is becoming as natural as breathing for me. Today, that is. Right now. With every breath, I am letting go and letting God.

It means surrendering my worries about my sister, Alice. Let go, Juliet. Detach. Surrender your concerns to God. He will take care of her.

It means surrendering my responsibility to others. Here’s all these people God, please take over.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

Positive Affirmation:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.

I was listening to Reverend Steve Mays on my way to work one day. Steve was the senior pastor at the Calvary Chapel South Bay in Gardena, California until his death in October 2014. He said that sometimes God removes people from our lives because we put too much emphasis on them. God wants the emphasis to be on him.^[3] This might be God’s work in my life right now. He wants me to put him first, do my job and, most of all, do this book. That is my work on this planet right now. That is the job he has for me to do. I will do my best to do it.

Surrender means putting God in the driver’s seat. He’s the one who should be there. Not me. I mean He is there already and my control and spot in the driver’s seat is just an illusion. I just have to acknowledge that and get my stupid human ego out of the way. I will follow. I will listen. Thank you, God.

Surrender, Juliet. Let go. Just let go.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Surrender:

• Submission: I get on my knees and say, “I surrender, dear Lord; I surrender. I give you my life. It is about what you want, not about what I want.”
• More journaling: I journal to get the issues out of me.
• Scripture: I read my bible, especially verses that involve pouring out my soul to God and trusting him with my life.
• Worship: I worship through prayer and meditation. I talk to him through prayer and listen in meditation. Worship is complete surrender to God.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• God is in charge: I remember that God is sovereign and he has a plan for me. All I have to do pray, listen, obey, and let go.
• The God within: I realize that there is part of God inside me and I can trust that.
• Breathe! I breathe in and out.
• Let it go: I let it go.
• Get rid of negativity: I burn my journal notes, if necessary, to get rid of that negativity.
• Relief: I feel better!
• Gratitude: I give thanks to my generous, forgiving, wonderful God. He is so good to me.
• More mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “this too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[2] Ibid., p. 73.

^[3] Mays, Steve. Overwhelmed by God and Not Your Troubles (Audio). Word For Life, 2013.

Then I embrace my loving God

He fits me like a glove

~ My Sinking Ship from Fearless Moral Inventory

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2009, all rights reserved

Faith is one of the most fundamental, foundational, and important spiritual principles. I need to have faith in something greater than myself in order to be able to obtain victory over what I am struggling with. For me, though, it goes deeper than that. I have to have faith in order to even get out of bed and function in the morning. Faith is a huge part of my life and of who I am. It’s a part of my every waking moment.

To me, faith means that I completely believe and trust in something, whether I see it in front of my eyes or not. I choose to believe it.

Two synonyms for faith are trust and hope.

Faith is believing the word of God and acting upon it no matter how I feel because God promises a good result.

~ James McDonald, author of Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

~ Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

One of my favorite bible teachers said that faith is not a blind leap in the dark — that is superstition. Faith is based on knowledge, belief, and trust. That takes time. 

To me, faith is my complete belief, trust, and confidence that something is true without having to see it first. I have faith that Christ was both fully human and fully God. I did not have to watch him rise from the dead or turn the water into wine in order to believe it. God has performed many miracles in my life. My experience of these miracles has helped to build my trust in Him. I do good things only because God does them through me. I can take no credit in the good I do in this world, except to say that I do my best to be obedient to him.

Faith is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 2:

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.^[1]

I admit I am powerless over my over-responsibility and caretaking. I cannot control them. They are controlling me. My life has become unmanageable.

So what do I do? There must be something bigger, better, and more in control of everything to help me out here. There must be something out there that can do for me what I cannot do for myself, as program friends often say. That is God. He can help me. He can bring back my sanity.

I have complete confidence that God exists and is very present in my everyday life. He is the director of my life’s journey. I know I will be with Him when I die and go to heaven. 

In order to have faith in someone, I must know them. In order to know them, I must spend time with them, understand them, and cultivate a relationship with them.

I trust God because I know God. I spend time with God. I spend time reading and listening to his Word, listen to Him at Meeting, during my morning worship, and on my way to work. I talk to and listen to Him throughout the day. Sometimes I am too tired to hear him. I am working on correcting that.

I would not be anywhere without my faith in God. I would have crumbled like a dry piece of coffee cake when Alex and I split up ten years ago. I was devastated, but God got me through it. I went to meeting. I met with my Quaker Clearness Committee. (A Quaker Clearness Committee is a group of three or more Quakers who meet with a person on request to help them to discern God’s will for them. I also discussed Clearness Committees in my first book.) They told me of God’s will as we discerned it together. I knew these people and had spent time with them. I trusted them. I trusted the God that spoke through them.

If I had never met those committee members before, or hadn’t spent time on other committees with them, I would not have had that trust base. But I did. I trust the God that speaks through them. I trust the God that speaks through my therapist. I trust the God that spoke to me and told me to move to Vermont, do my book, do my music, cut my hair, and go back to my natural color.

I heard somewhere that faith is not believing God can, but knowing God will. I like that.

So it’s like walking across a rickety bridge over a canyon and trusting that if I’m meant to live, I will live, and if I’m meant to die, I will die. And I will die willingly because that is what God wants. 

Faith is trusting that whatever happens is meant to happen and is the will of God.

I have faith, trust, and confidence in my God. I recognize that he knows what is best for me. He has saved me from my sins. He will guide me through my life. Whatever happens will be his will and I will handle it one tiny step at a time. It will all work out. I will trust, have confidence in, and believe it will all work out the way God wants it to work out and it will be perfect.

I have a sign in my office that says, “Listen, Trust, Obey.” I will do my best to listen to God, trust what he says, and obey Him. I will turn it all over to Him and let go of the rest.

I have confidence in and rely on God that he will lead me down the path of this life that’s best for me to learn what I came here to learn.
I just wish I could do a better job of being his child. I wish I could do a better job of remembering and trusting that the Holy Spirit lives inside me and I can trust and follow that. I will work hard on that.

I have faith that God is there and he can help me with my over-responsibility and caretaking as I struggle with it daily. He is there and can protect me from myself as I worry, fret, stew, try to fix everything, save others from hurting or dying, trying to play God. I am not God. That is not my job. He has that job.

He will do his job. Embracing this is what Step 2 is about  — believing he is there and is sovereign. He is in control.

Sometimes it seems like the crisis wheel keeps spinning in our family with one thing after another. I worry it will spin out of control.

Other times I just plain get sick of the endless series of disasters that seem to come down our Family Pike. My sponsor tells me that this is just how life is.
So now, when I am fretting about all of this stuff, what is going to happen, and how I can control it, I will stop and remember that there is a God and I turn it over to Him. Then I will let go and repeat helpful slogans to myself.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Be still and know I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.

Here is a slogan from Pastor James MacDonald that has been very helpful for me:

~ Let’s just trust God for that.^[2]

I will work hard on building trust, confidence, assurance, hope, and certainty in my ability to listen to and follow the God that is inside of me, instead of doubting, blaming, and shaming myself.

Positive Affirmations:

• There is that of God inside me.
• God doesn’t make junk. I am a perfect child of God.
• Doubting the God in me is like doubting God. I have faith in the God in me. I’m doing the best I can.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Faith:

• More journaling:  Writing gets everything out of me.
• Reflection: I look at what I wrote and admit my powerlessness over my defects of over-responsibility and caretaking.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation, I surrender my life to God and listen to Him. I am practicing my faith.
• Scripture: I become involved in daily bible study through the bible, bible audio CDs, and audio sermons.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• The God within: I try to remember I have that of God inside of me and I can trust this.
• Pray continuously: I talk to and pray to God throughout the day as much as possible. This can include giving thanks, surrendering on my hands and knees, or asking for help out loud.
• God is in charge: I realize that God has a plan for me and it will be revealed to me when the time is right.
• I’m doing my best: I realize I’m doing the best I can and give myself credit for that.
• Get to a meeting: I get myself to a CoDA meeting, either in person, online, or just by myself reading the literature and meeting format. (Discussed earlier in “Recovery in Program.”)
• Step work: I do step work, read it to my sponsor, or print it out on the computer and mail it to her, or both.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

Thank you, God!

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[2] MacDonald, James. Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late. Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2001.

Having addressed my persistence quite thoroughly in the “Perseverance” section of “The Principles,” it is clear to see that I am a persistent, diligent, hard-working person.

My workaholism has also been well-defined throughout this book as one of my defects of character. I have defined my workaholism as a defect of character and it is. But diligence, when taken in the proper dosage, can be seen as a positive character trait.

I’ve always been a hard worker. I come from a family of hard workers. We were always a very productive bunch of folks.

I also come from a family of list makers. We were always big on making lists. I still make lists to this day. I make a “to do” list every week. It is usually three pages long and includes everything I have to do for the week from journaling, worshipping, working out, to CoDA meetings, Quaker meetings, and lists of things for my job. I never get everything checked off on the list, but I sure try hard. The end result is that I’m very productive and I feel good about that. I like that about myself. Juliet gets things done. Good for her.

I work hard at learning the violin, viola, cello, and guitar, writing books, writing music, and teaching. I find great fulfillment in all of these activities.

I am a very hard working teacher. I labor over every detail of my lesson plans until they are just right. I try to make the lessons fun, informative, and engaging, while striving to provide a comfortable, friendly learning environment. I try to greet them with a friendly hello and a smile when they come in the door. I try to encourage them to work hard, do their best, enjoy the music they are making and the process of learning. As stories in other parts of this book have revealed, I am not perfect at this. Teaching is a difficult profession. I try very hard and do the best I can.

This hard work in the classroom has paid off for me. I have a cello student that we’ll call Curt (not his real name). Curt has been one of my students for three years. He’s one of the most enthusiastic students I’ve ever had. He is in my music room practicing and learning every chance he gets. He is very appreciative of all of the instruction he has received from me. I have received many kind notes of gratitude and gifts from him and his family. Curt is off to middle school now and I’ll miss him. How grateful I am to have had the privilege of teaching him. This student’s success in music is the result of his passion and hard work, combined with well-delivered instruction, a comfortable learning environment, and lots of encouragement. If the instruction lacked planning and inspiration and the setting was consistently uncomfortable, I doubt that the outcome would have been the same. This diligence has been worth it.

I work hard for my Quaker Meeting and my CoDA Fellowships (in this setting, I am using fellowships to encompass all of the different CoDA groups I am involved with). This work is worth it as it feeds my soul. I am growing spiritually as a result of this work and thus I feel better about myself.

I work hard building and maintaining a close relationship with God. This is worth more to me than words can express. It is everything to me.

My diligence has produced good things in my life. I am very happy about this.

I like the part of me that is a hard worker. I just have to stop tying my self-worth up in what I accomplish. Binding my self-worth to my work only feeds my workaholism.

Taking the self-worth piece out of the equation will defuse the part of me that turns my diligence into workaholism. I have humbly given God this defect of character. He will take it away when He is ready to do that. In the meantime, I keep working my program. I give that to God too. It works if I work it.

Now I’ll confront my fears head on

Speak my truth, sing my song

And if you chose to walk away

After you’ve heard what I have to say

At least I believed in me.

~ All These Fears by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2011, all rights reserved

In the next entry, I discuss an experience I had with a parent who expressed dissatisfaction with some elements of my work. How I handled the situation shows my recovery at work. I’m proud of that.

What other people think of me is none of my business. My therapist told me this and I like it. Other people’s thoughts and opinions are about them. They have nothing to do with me.

Thank you God.

I’m sitting here fretting and stewing about what some of my parents think of me. So if what other people think of me is none of my business that is great news. One parent hasn’t thought much of me this particular week.

Teachers are really public servants. My sponsor/teacher/mentor/friend told me that and I believe her. We are public servants. This, amongst many other factors, makes it a very difficult job. We do are best. Juliet does her best.

Yes, Juliet does her best for her students every day. She did her best at her first Rosemead School concert on Monday. The concert turned out well. The kids who were there performed well. At least four students didn’t show up, which was a bummer. But the students who did show up were great. Thanks be to God.

My commute was horrible that day, but I dealt with it. There was road construction everywhere and traffic was awful. I don’t mean Los Angeles awful, but still awful. We all know how Juliet feels about traffic. I have to put in my Matrix Reloaded soundtrack and stare at my Angry Birds to be able to deal with it and not curse like a sailor. Breathe. It’s okay. This wonderful construction will be going on for one month, until the end of school. Oh joy. Lucky me. Deal with it. Okay. Let it go. Breathe. Cool. God loves me. Thank God. Put in a bible tape after Marilyn Manson gets done screaming. Breathe. Okay. I’m okay now.

I got to school, with only one minute to get my kids for class. You see my Early Morning Orchestra is a before school activity. So I have to meet my students at the front door, which takes extra time and effort. Forget about going to the bathroom, setting up, breathing in and out. Just hit the ground running. I dealt with it. I got through my teaching day, trying to live in the moment and focus on my students. I tried to not let my mind and heart worry about Alice and her grief over the death of her husband.

That same evening, we had our spring concert. After the concert was over, one parent came to see me in my room. She expressed dissatisfaction with her child’s placement on stage. She wanted her child to be in the front. She told me that her child also wanted to be in the front but was in the back for both concerts. She felt that her child was discouraged by this. Her child plays the bass.

“Bass players don’t sit in the front,” I began to explain. “Their instruments are big and I wouldn’t be able to see anyone else if I put them in the front.”

“Well, that wasn’t very well received,” she said rather defensively.

“This is a standard setup for an orchestra,” I told her.

Still she wasn’t satisfied.

“Well, think about it,” I continued. “If I put Irving in the front that means someone has to go in back of him and I’ll get complaints from that parent that their child can’t be seen.”

 
The parent continued. “He is a sensitive boy so he may not play next year. He doesn’t want to sit in the back and none of his friends play bass. He doesn’t like being the only one. I can send him back to the music school. He wants to be in the front.”

So up came Irving to see his mom. I began trying to talk to Irving and his mom put up her hand to stop me.

“We can talk about this later,” the mom said. She glanced towards her son in a way that said, “Please don’t talk about this now.”

So we ended the conversation somehow and I went back into my room.

Soon I headed out to the parking lot and there was that parent again.

“I feel like I miscommunicated. I’m not being a back stage mom, I’m really not. I don’t need him in the spotlight. I can take him to the music school for that.”

This was the second time she mentioned the music school. So was this a threat?

“Maybe if you explained to him that it has nothing to do with him not being good enough,” the mom continued. “It’s just because it is a big instrument, that this is the standard format of an orchestra. He would understand that.”

Okay, I just tried to do that and you stopped me, I thought to myself.

“I wish I hadn’t said anything,” the mom concluded as she started to walk away. “This didn’t go well.”

“I’m just trying to figure it out and communicate,” I said calmly as I watched her head toward her car. “We’ll figure it out,” I added. At least I think I said that last part.

So I stewed and fussed about it all the way home.

Juliet’s Defects of Character at work:

• Other people’s beliefs and opinions are always more important than mine. They are always right and I am always wrong.
• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do. I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings at work:

• This all my fault. I did something wrong.
• They are right. I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I am less than.

On my way home, I started talking to God about it.

“God, please help me focus on you and not this woman. Please help me turn it over, because you have something to say to me. Help me, Lord. Help me get this. Help me understand. Help me to just focus on you and I’ll give it to you and you’ll figure it out. It’s all for the highest good. Show me the steps forward. I did a little step work and talked to a program friend and that is a step forward. I have value and I deserve to be happy. All that matters is that you be glorified. I will listen to the Holy Spirit and will be obedient. That is what I need to do.”

During worship, God comforted me with the following verse:

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?

Or am I trying to please people?

If I were still trying to please people,

I would not be a servant of Christ.

~ Galatians 1:10 (NIV)

I gave it to God and he gave me comfort. I got on my knees and surrendered to God. I put a note in my God Box about it. That always helps.

Positive Affirmation:

• Let’s just trust God for that.

Juliet’s Codependency Pattern:

• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.

In recovery, I realize that the world is not always this black and white. No one is always right but God.

In recovery, I realize that communication with others is a two way street. I always do my best to speak the truth as I know it and act on the best interests of everyone.

So what other people think of me is none of my business.

As my therapist says, what other people think is about them. It is what they see through their screen. It is theirs.

Then a light bulb went on inside my head. Suddenly all the hard work I’ve been doing in recovery and therapy started its engines, and I had my own power supply running in my tired teaching head.

Maybe this woman wasn’t trying to make me feel like crap. Maybe she feels like she messed up and she shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe she is struggling with insecurity inside herself. That could be true too. My being able to think that and not just blame myself for it is a miracle from God. That’s recovery.

There was another way to think about it. I didn’t have to come from a place of fear, thinking things like, Oh my Gosh, this kid is going to quit and I’m a bad teacher. I am a less-than human being. I’ve failed and everyone knows it. None of that was true.

Positive Affirmation:

I will not believe Lucifer’s lies. I will believe the truth that I am a beloved child of God.

Then I came up with some solutions:

• I’ll try to rearrange the seating plan so Irving is in the front and still is in orchestra formation.
• I will also ask him if he wants to do a solo.

Pastor Steve Mays says we have to admit powerlessness over things we can’t control and things we can’t fix. That is when God is getting ready to do a major work in our life. So I admit powerlessness over this parent and her opinions of me.

Signs of Recovery

All of this hard work was worth it. I am, by the grace of God, seeing growth. I am seeing recovery.

For one thing, the time I spent in anguish about this occurrence was shorter. I have been obsessive about it for the past couple of days, but it hasn’t been constant and I haven’t been in complete despair about it. All or nothing catastrophic thinking is not at work as much as it used to be. I now see solutions and a way out. I also see both sides of the situation a little better. I am still stewing about it, but it is not devastating like it used to be. These are signs of growth.

In those moments of the exchanges between the mom and me, I was upset. My heart was pounding and my inner child was upset. However, I was able to look at this woman and see that she was struggling too. She was trying to get what she wanted. She wanted her kid to be in the front.

The next day, I emailed both parents. I thanked the woman for our exchange and told the dad I was copying him on the email at his request to be on the list. I told them I had rearranged the entire seating arrangement so that Irving could be in the front and still be in orchestra formation. I also suggested he do a solo and asked them to discuss it with their son and get back to me. I also stated that I totally support private instruction at the music school and that it really helps students to grow as musicians. I was happy with my email when I sent it.

I have never heard anything further from the mom on this matter.

Now I can look at the situation and realize I did my best.

All of this is for my growth. All of this is for my learning.

Again, as my therapist once told me, what other people think of me is none of my business, even if it’s good. It is about them, what they’re thinking. This makes it an outside issue, just like Tradition 10 says:

CoDA has no opinion on outside issues; hence the CoDA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

            Tradition 10, Co-Dependents Anonymous, Second Edition, second printing, 2009. P. v.

This applies directly to my issue with this parent. This about her and her thoughts are an outside issue. They have nothing to do with me. This gets me off the hook. 

If I made a mistake, I’ll promptly admit it. But I don’t think I made a mistake. I didn’t know anything was wrong. I even tried to have Irving in orchestra at the beginning of the year, but it seemed like it was too much for him. Besides, his mother complained about having to bring him early, citing transportation issues. She seemed relieved when she didn’t have to bring him early anymore.

Positive Affirmation:

• Today I release myself from all expectations.

I have to release myself from all expectations because I had the expectation that this woman would say something, like “Thank you for what you do,” or “I think what you do is good,” but she said nothing after I made those changes.

I have to stop having expectations about people and what they will say and do. I am just setting myself up for disappointment when I have expectations about anything.

I used to have high expectations for everything and sometimes I still do. But there are moments in my life now when I’m satisfied if I can just get the lawn mower started. That would be a good day. Waking up and realizing I am still alive is enough to make it a good day.

I did the best I could. I am not less than. I am a beloved child of God. I am a very hard working teacher. I answer to a higher authority, to a loving God who is always with me, always watching, always sovereign.

I will keep an open mind about others and accept them as they are. This means keeping an open mind about myself and accepting myself as I am.

Positive Affirmation:

• God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.

This is hard work and there are challenges. There is pain and hurt, but there is also growth, recovery, and joy. God is in control of all of it. I am grateful. Program works. Thank you God.

One morning during my worship, I received a message from God that I didn’t understand. 

The message was Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is what you need to be concerned about.  Be who you are.

What is Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma?  I didn’t know what it was or what it had to do with being myself. So later on in my day, when I had a minute, I got on the Internet and looked it up.  This disease is a form of cancer.  The cause of this disease has been linked to hair dye.  I was bleaching my hair at the time and had been for years.  This message hit me like a ton of bricks.  I prayed and prayed about it and eventually went back to my natural hair color. 

But there was more to the message.  Be who you are.   What did that mean?  I prayed some more.  I listened some more. 

The next message that came through was Cut your hair.  Be who you are.  

I was very troubled by this as I had long hair that I really liked.  I prayed some more and listened.  Over the next couple of months, I repeatedly received the same message.  I listened, obeyed, and cut my hair.

I know now that the purpose of this message and of cutting my hair was to get me in touch with my inner teen.  My inner teen is me at 14.  She is overweight, has short hair, and a very round face.  By cutting my hair, in a way I became her again (minus the weight). 

The message became more detailed, adding things like do that book. I had been talking to a friend of mine about writing a book about my codependency and this message from God just confirmed that.  Writing the book is also helping me to heal my inner teen.

My inner teen has even lower self-esteem than my inner child. She often hides her face from me too full of shame to turn around.  She sees herself as a fat ugly loser. She is me at 14, that same year that Dad yelled at me for being fat in a restaurant full of people. The same year Cain tore my clothes off behind the Catholic Church. The same year Betty stopped talking to me. The same year that we had that awful “If you don’t stop, I’m leaving you” family meeting that produced absolutely zero positive results regarding my mother and her drinking.

My inner teen had all of these bad sexual experiences, and it has had a lasting effect on her.  Yet she has sexual urges herself and she thinks herself dirty for it.  She hates talking about this. However, Elizabeth Gilbert who toured the world and wrote a great book Eat, Pray, Love talks about it so why not?  Sexuality.  I don’t know if my inner teen will ever be accepting of and comfortable with this subject.   She deals with the sensual part of herself as best she can. 

This pimply kid still exists inside me. Every day, I go inside and give her a big hug.  I tell her everything is going to be okay. I want to go back in time and tell her love starts here.  So what if 20 years beyond your teens, your husband has a change of heart and skips town?  So what if your best friend isn’t talking to you?  You’re still okay.  You are a beloved child of God, just the way you are. 

Inner child work has been a very important part of my recovery.  I try to connect with my inner children as often as possible.  I will continue this important work.

Let the Child speak

Let her voice be heard

She’s no longer weak.

But she hasn’t said a word.

(Let the Child Speak, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Who is the inner child? Cathryn L. Taylor, author of The Inner Child Workbook, describes the inner child or inner children as “the voices inside you that carry the feelings you were unable to express as a child.”[1]

My inner child is the real me, the one that was squashed into the corner when I was little. The one that was scared and screamed at by my dad to be perfect all the time. She is who I really am.  And she is wise.  She is a part of God.  But she gets ignored a lot.  After a while, this really ticks her off.  My inner child gets to the point where she will not be ignored anymore. 

I have done quite a bit of inner child work, and it has been some of the most difficult, yet rewarding.  I’m learning who I am and how I feel by doing this work.  It’s my true self revealed.  I wrote my song Let the Child Speak about this very subject.

I first started doing inner child work with my therapist.  It was then that I discovered this sometimes scared, angry, frustrated, sad, lonely little girl.  This little girl thinks she has to be perfect to be okay. This little girl thinks she has to earn her right to be.  If she makes mistakes, she is less than.  She has no self-esteem.  She thinks everything she does is wrong.

It is through this inner child work that I uncovered my memories about Grandpa Roman that I spoke of earlier in this book.

Yes, she feels all the feelings on Juliet’s Feelings List on a regular basis. 

[1] Cathryn L. Taylor, The Inner Child Notebook: What to do with your past when it won’t go away. (New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam, 1991), p. 1.

The moment I woke up

Was the day the tests came back

With ev’ry word that left his lips

Sweat poured down my back.

Heart pounding, mind racing,

Soul screaming, paralyzing,

Knee buckling,

blood draining disbelief.

(God, this isn’t real!)

With ev’ry breath

I’m filled with fear

Please dear Lord,

don’t leave me alone here

Bring your angels,

I need you near,

To say, “Fear not”

~ Something to Believe In, by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

In this entry, written in April 2014, I explore the recent heroin epidemic in Vermont. I relate the search for a solution to my desperate search for a miracle cure for Zeb’s cancer. One of the reasons I was so desperate at this point in time is because the vaccine he had received, which we were all so hopeful would cure him, had failed. He was out of treatment options, his tumor was growing again, and he was going downhill rapidly. He died a month after I wrote this piece.

There is a heroin epidemic that’s plaguing my beautiful home state of Vermont. It has been all over the news. “Junk” is everywhere and just about everyone is doing it, the news reporters say. In fact, rehab centers are turning people away and telling them to keep using until a bed opens up!

Imagine a young girl running down the street. She is asking everyone she sees, “You got a fix? I need a fix.” She repeats this over and over. She owes her dealer so he’s cut her off. She is desperate. She is a junkie. The big H has become her God. She can’t live without it. Getting and using stuff is now her full-time job.

Now imagine this same girl running down the road. Only now she is not looking for a fix. She is looking for a cure for cancer. “You got a cure, you got a cure?” She repeats this over and over to everyone she sees. She is desperate to help her family.

You got a cure?

No cure.

Now she is running down the road looking for a prayer. “Can you pray, will you pray?”

She is seeking to get the God in them to save her brother-in-law and her poor sister who cares for him. If she just gets enough people to pray, she can surely fix it. She can save him and her sister too. She can control the world. She can fix it!

Look at this girl. Look at what her codependency is doing to her. It is killing her the way H is killing young people in this beautiful rural state. “Can you save my brother? I think if you can pray one more time, you can save him. Can you pray for a new brain?”

I can’t say I was that person exactly, but I sure wasn’t far off. That pretty much describes my behavior for the past 14 months. Begging every person I knew to pray for him, trying to save him. He is my brother, I love him. Deep down, to save my family of origin, my sister, to save her from pain and anguish, especially after what she had just been through with Mom. Trying to save her. Trying to fix her. Trying to make it okay. Trying to play God.

Now this is where I am. I am still trying to fix it, save it, fix her, save her, fix him, save him. I am feeling their feelings. I feel their despair. And when I’m not feeling it, I’m telling myself I should be. Most of the time I don’t need to do that. Feeling their despair comes naturally. It’s as natural as flicking on a light switch. I have had years of training in taking on the feelings of others.

Here are my codependency patterns, which were running wild:

• If you hurt. I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• I don’t know what I need. I focus on what you need.
• I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.^[1]

I feel what they feel. I need to detach. It doesn’t have to be about drugs, alcohol or gambling, men or sex. It can just be that you love someone and you want them to be well. You want to fix something that you can’t fix, change something that you can’t change, and that lack of power sends you into despair and affects everything in your life. There’s this big, thick grey cloud hanging over your head. You wake up and think, “There’s that feeling again.”

Pretty soon, it’s not just obsession with my brother who has cancer and I’m taking on his despair, and my sister’s feelings. Now a little boy at one of my schools died and I have to feel what those parents are feeling too. Then I hear about the mudslide in Washington state and what about the people in that area? I have to feel what they’re feeling too. And what about the people in Malaysia who are waiting for news of their loved ones on that missing plane? Where is that flipping plane anyway? And the people at the hospital in North Adams, Massachusetts! The hospital is closed and they’ve all lost their jobs. Now I have to feel their feelings and fix them too? Better put them on the list. And another friend has a lung that is collapsing. This is going to kill me!!

This is enough to drive me to insanity. This is when my life has become unmanageable. This is when I need to come to CoDA. I need to detach with love and start to take care of myself. The only thing I have control over is how I react to what’s happening.

All of this drove me to exhaustion, depression, selfishness, and despair, and it ruined one of my Sunday worships at Quaker Meeting to the point that I was worried I wouldn’t be able to go to my Quaker Meeting anymore. The thought of that sent me even further into my despair spiral, the idea of not being able to see my spiritual family. (I was falling asleep in Quaker Meeting, which is a no-no. A member of the Meeting spoke to me about it and I was mortified. My falling asleep was a result of my exhaustion, mostly due to my insanity over the situation with my family of origin.)

Soon I am thinking, How can I fix this, how can I change it, who can I call? I’m desperate… help me help me help me. No answer, no answer. No one is home.

So what’s the answer? For Juliet, it means I need to work my program. I need to admit my powerlessness over others, cancer, disasters, disease, and death. I need to give it to God. I need to humble myself before him, admit that I am out of control, and that I need help. I need to get to a meeting, write out some step work and read it to my sponsor. I need to let go of what’s not mine and give it back to its owner. There is a God and it is not me. I need to take the focus off of others and put it back on myself. I need to admit my powerlessness over my enmeshment.

Slogan:

I can’t, God can. I think I’ll let him.

Admitting powerlessness is half the battle. Just admitting to God that I am out of control and powerless over these obsessions, feelings, control and compliance patterns helps it ease up. Suddenly the pressure is off. Someone pressed the pause button and I can breathe in and out. I can figure out my hand position and get my bow straight before they press the play button again. I can let go. I write out my steps. I read them to my sponsor. Suddenly the current is back flowing in the right direction and I’m going with it. Breathe. Just breathe. Give every breath to God. It’s okay. I’m not driving the boat. None of us are. God is driving the boat. God bless the 12 Steps. Breathe, just breathe. Live every day in gratitude. And let go. Just let go.

It was good for me to be afflicted

So that I might learn your decrees.

~ Psalm 119:71 (NIV)

If there’s one thing that Zeb’s illness and death has taught me, it is that I must trust God. There’s no other option.

Thank you God for this learning.

^[1] Ibid.

I started keeping a Gratitude List early on in my recovery.  I had started working the 12 Steps with a sponsor, and she had me start a Gratitude List as a part of my recovery.  One of my assignments was to add five things to my Gratitude List every day.  Sometimes I added ten. 

I now have a Gratitude List that has more than 645 items on it.  That’s pretty darned cool for someone who always saw the dark, pessimistic side of life.  

I always feel better after reading and adding to my Gratitude List.  It helps me get out of my obsession and depression.  I have even gotten to the point where I can be thankful for some of the most challenging events in my life. 

I have everything on my list from God to Green Mountain Coffee Roasters.  I have things on it like “the sound of my brook.”  I have items on my list that are repeated.  Who cares?  It’s my list.  I can have it any way I want.  God is on there a bunch of times.  Silly things are on there too, such as “being in front of the bus, not behind,” and “big fat kitting needles.” It’s great.

I will continue to read my list at least a couple of times a week and add things to it as often as I can.

I have mentioned slogans already here and there in the book. On my recovery tool list, slogans have been right up near the top with positive affirmations.  They have helped me to get back on track when I’m upset or obsessing about a problem, or feeling lost because of something that’s going on in my life. 

Slogans help me keep things in perspective.  They help me get back into focus with reality.  And this is not my reality but God’s reality and what’s really true in His plan. 

They help me realize that it’s okay for me to take care of myself.  It’s okay for me to say no. I need to sleep when I’m tired. I need to eat when I’m hungry. It’s okay for me to take a break.

The slogans also remind me that I don’t have to do it alone.  God is there to help and he should come first.

I like to type up the slogans and put them all over the house.  I think they help me to keep focused on God, His plan and what is real, instead of what’s going on in my own compulsive, obsessive head.

On this webpage, http://webpages.charter.net/jlbond/slogans.htm, you’ll find 400 Alcoholics Anonymous slogans. (Again, AA is another 12 Step Program, and its approach is actually the foundation for Codependent Anonymous.)

I refer to this webpage often.