I try my best but I can’t win

I’m weak, I lose, it is a sin

Work ’til I drop, to win your love

Enlightened now, I look above

There’s His love, It’s perfect.

After all, it’s not about you

You’re not the one who’s right

I don’t have to be who you want me to be

I’ve finally seen the Light

You keep shoving expectations on me

I won’t keep trying to please you

You keep shoving expectations on me

I’ll choose His love; it’s all I can do.

~ Expectations by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2009, all rights reserved

In this story, I describe my latest experiences driving in snowstorms and relate them to the codependent snowstorm that was going on in my heart, soul, and mind during an incident at school.

Quite recently I drove through a snowstorm, the likes of which I have not seen since I was a child. I remember years ago, shortly after I had gotten my driver’s license, I drove home to Stockbridge, Vermont from Woodstock, Vermont in a blizzard during which I could barely see two feet in front of me. I think I was on my way home from an awful date with Sam. (See the “Codependency in Romantic Relationships” chapter of my first book Everything Is My Fault for details about my relationship with Sam.) I knew nothing of driving in the snow. Did I have snow tires on? Who knows. I didn’t know anything about studded snow tires versus all season radials, not slamming on your brakes on icy roads, or turning into a skid. I was just driving home in a blizzard with no blizzard-driving training.

There was a different blizzard going on in my head, no doubt about Sam. About how he didn’t love me and why didn’t he love me and why did I give him my virginity and God how I wish I could have it back. I was obsessed and in pain.

Anyway, I drove through several snow storms recently, the last one of which was as severe as that earlier one. The first one came on a Tuesday morning. For our driving pleasure, Mother Nature presented us with freezing rain, alternating with sleet and snow. The real special treat we got thrown our way is black ice. Stopping your car was not possible. At all!!! But we all still had to go to work in it. We still had school, even though we were risking our lives to get there.

The next storm came the same day, after the first of two nighttime concerts I helped with that week. After the first concert, I drove home in the snowstorm. The roads were pretty bad, slushy, slippery, no one around, snow going right into my windshield. I made it home okay, praying the whole time. God got me home safe. Thank heavens that’s over. That’s probably the storm for the week. Right? Wrong!

Wednesday marked another slippery drive to work, but it was better than Tuesday. Just as school was letting out, Mother Nature let loose again with huge amounts of heavy, wet snow. I was scheduled to videotape my mentor’s orchestra concert that evening for the local TV station so I called her to see if it was still on and she said yes. I told her the roads were bad and she said it was fine if I didn’t want to tape the concert. I could just go home.

Being the dedicated person I am, I decided to fulfill my commitments and tape the concert. I wanted to support my colleague and see all my former students perform. So I went to the TV station, got the gear, and headed over to the high school.

The concert was well worth the effort, one of the most moving I have seen in a long time. It was all movie music. The art teacher had her art students do art that portrayed the themes of the movie music the orchestra was playing and these images were shown on the screen while the orchestra played. It was all synchronized so that the music matched up with the art. It was very powerful.

After the concert was over, a parent came up to me and told me the snow had stopped. I was relieved.

The last to leave the auditorium, I packed up the video gear and headed home.

Well, maybe in Pittsfield, it had stopped snowing, but the mountain ride home for me was another story. It was a storm like the night I drove home from seeing Sam. I couldn’t see two feet in front of my face. There was not another soul on the road. Plus I was driving a rental car I wasn’t thrilled with, as mine was in the shop. So I had all season radial tires on, not studded snows. I know a lot of people say it doesn’t matter, but it does to me.

So I was driving about 20 miles an hour up a hill in total darkness, with the heavy snow falling. Along the way, I could barely see any of the landmarks on the side of the road, with the exception of the occasional light of a local business here or there. I mean it was dark, dark, dark.

My heart was pounding and I was scared.

I should stop and get a hotel and get off the road, I thought. This isn’t worth the risk. But the only hotels were either back in Pittsfield, or there was the Econo Lodge a few miles up the road. I worried that I would get stuck turning around, or, worse, go off the road and no one would find me until morning or ever. If I could make it to the Econo Lodge, I would be over the mountain by then and I could probably make it home. So I kept going.

While I was driving and praying for God to help me, I remembered the John Ortberg DVD, If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat. In this series, he talks about how Peter walked on water towards Jesus. He started to sink only when he took his eyes off of Christ and focused on the storm. As long as he kept his eyes on Christ, he was okay.^[1]

I decided to do the same. I imagined Jesus’ face in my mind. I imagined the color of his eyes. I wondered how long his eyelashes were. What did his teeth look like and how did he brush them? How did he wash his clothes? How did he clip his fingernails? What kind of sandals did he wear and what were they made of? Leather I would guess. Did the sandals have buckles? Did they make buckles back then?

I kept imagining these things, asking myself questions, trying to keep my mind off of how scared I was and the fact that I could go off the road and die at any moment. I thought of how he and the disciples walked everywhere and how dusty their feet were after walking all day. That’s why they had to wash them when they came in to eat with folks because the way they ate their seats were really close to the floor and your feet were kind of close to where other people were eating. I really transported myself to another time and place.

Then I started singing hymns, all that I could remember. (My hymn anthology was in my car, not the rental, unfortunately.) When I ran out of hymns, I started singing them all again.

I also remembered one of my favorite bible verses:

For I the LORD, your God,

Who takes hold of your right hand,

And says to you,

Do not fear, I will help you.

~Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)

I breathed in and out. God is with me. He will guide me home.

I kept this up until I pulled into my beloved driveway. I focused on Christ and it got me home safe. I turned off the car, turned off the lights, and thanked God.

The next day, I had a snowstorm of a different kind. I had a negative interaction with an orchestra student and her mother.

This student, we’ll call her Connie, came into class complaining about where she stands.

“Why do I always have to stand here?” she whined.

“You don’t like where you’re standing? Okay.”

So I picked up her music stand and moved her across the room.

Her comment bothered me on a couple of levels. First of all, I felt like she was being disrespectful. When I was in elementary school, the teachers were much more strict. I would never have dared to complain to them about something like where I was standing or where they put my desk. You just didn’t do that then, or you were punished.

Secondly, I was annoyed at taking up instructional time for something I thought was pretty silly. I was trying to prepare the class for an upcoming concert. The lessons I teach are really short, only 30 minutes long, and that is if the students arrive on time to my classroom with their instruments intact. (Violins are delicate and tend to sometimes fall apart when they are in little hands.) So here I was taking up instructional time to rearrange the physical formation of the class when what we needed to be doing was learning our songs.

Sometimes I find that what’s of primary importance to me is very different than what’s important to an eight-year-old child. I find that to be frustrating. The music and the concerts are very important things to me and deserve our immediate attention. Young students, on the other hand, tend to focus on where they stand, who is standing next to them, who can see them, what they are wearing, and when recess is. I want them to have a good time, but I want us to get our work done too. In an ideal world we can do both but it is very difficult to accomplish this in a 30 minute lesson.

Looking back on it, I probably gave her some body language during the class that was a little intense for her.

The orchestra class Connie is in is a tough class. There are behavior issues in that class and getting through any session without some bumps in the road is typically not possible. So these usual behavior issues, talking out, playing their instruments when I’m talking, not listening, asking for information that I’ve already repeated three times started mounting up. So I complained about it to the students.

“I’m feeling really frustrated right now. People are playing when I’m talking, not listening, not following directions, and complaining about where they stand. I want to play music. I want us to play songs.”

This was good. This was Juliet expressing herself, saying what was true for her in that moment.

Well, that was too much for poor little Connie to handle. Little did I know that she is a supersensitive kid. I spoke with her home classroom teacher later in the day, who told me Connie cried all morning about it.

The next week, I went to tune all of the instruments and I noticed that Connie’s viola was not there. So I went and found her in the lunchroom and spoke to her about it.

“I noticed your viola wasn’t there today,” I told her.

“Yes, I didn’t feel like coming today.”

“Was this because of what happened last week?”

“Yes.”

“I apologize for my part in this. I thought you were being disrespectful. Now I know that this was not the case. I have you standing in that spot because you know what you’re doing. That is a compliment, by the way. If you feel comfortable, I would like for you to come to class today. I will ask Jane if you can borrow her instrument.”

She agreed.

In the meantime, I called her mom and left a message for her to call me about what had happened. Then I sent the mom an email detailing what happened and how I handled it. At this point, I copied the classroom teacher on these emails so she would be aware of how I handled it. I did not send it to the principal at this point.

Connie came to orchestra class and played Jane’s viola. She was smiling when she left and it seemed as though everything went fine. That is what I thought the last time too, though. Connie left the earlier lesson smiling and carrying someone else’s cello on her back. I mean, how do I know what’s going on inside someone else’s head? I don’t. Neither can anyone else. 

That is one thing about codependents. They expect you to know what’s going on inside their head without them telling you. You’re supposed to be psychic and just know. I think society is like that too.

Her mom never returned my phone call. She did, however, reply to my email. Her email was cold, hurtful, and full of blame. This is even after I had included in my email how I had a conversation with the child, apologized for the misunderstanding, how great she was as a student, etc. The parent ignored all the good stuff and just laid blame. She also inferred that I was supposed to know what her daughter was thinking without being told. I was devastated. I obsessed about it for a week.

Then I recognized this as a test from God. Was I going to focus on this world, the people in it and what they think of me? Was I going to tie my self-worth to what someone else thinks of me? Or was I going to do it right and keep my eyes on Christ? 

Then I realized that I have to keep my eyes on Christ, just like I did in that blizzard the night before. I need to be obsessed with Christ, not this kid, not this parent. I can’t get caught up in the things of this world. This world is not my home. I need to keep focused on God and what he wants me to do.

Once again, I recalled that treasured bible verse:

For I the LORD, your God,

Who takes your right hand,

And says to you,

Do not fear, I will help you.

~ Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)

I breathed in and out. God is with me. He will guide me.

Codependency Characteristics that I was exhibiting were:

• What you think of me is more important than what I think of me.
• You are always right, I am always wrong.
• I am less than.^[2]

Actually, what other people think of me is none of my business.

Juliet’s Defects of Character that I was practicing were:

• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• If you like me, I like me.
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
• I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
  Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll do or be whatever you say.
• I am less than.^[3]

Juliet’s Feelings that I was involved in here were:

• This is all my fault. I did something wrong.
• They are right. I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than.
• I am ashamed.
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever. 
  I am different from everyone else.^[4]

I attempted several drafts of an email back to the parent, but didn’t feel right about any of them. So I deleted them. My therapist says I should always trust my intuition. If I follow it, I will be right on every time.

A program friend calls it “listening to your gut.” “What does your gut say?” she’ll ask me. She also says to not reply to an email when you’re upset. Write a draft and then sit with it.

So I didn’t reply because I was still upset. I let the situation sit. Good for me! That is recovery. That is practicing a new behavior. That is me not reacting, but observing.

I spoke with my therapist about the situation and she had this to say:

You’re taking too much responsibility for the child’s behavior, the parent’s behavior, and what went on in the class. The way you acted in class was in service to the child. Good for you for telling the class how you were feeling. Don’t make her behavior about you.

Remember the following two important principles:

1.   It isn’t about you, even if it sounds like it is.

2.   Other people’s behavior is not about you, even if it feels like it is.

3.   The only way that their behavior would be about you is if you deliberately set out to hurt the person and you don’t do that.

You’re in a circumstance that is beyond your control. You don’t need to respond to the mom at all, if that is your choice. If the child quits that is her and her mom’s choice. If you choose to respond, do so in the way your administrator suggested. (A previous principal had suggested that I respond to parent emails in a manner that is brief, states my intentions, and opens the door for further communication either in person or over the phone. She advised me not to put in anything that can be distorted, misinterpreted, or used against me. This was great advice. I follow it to this day.)

After a weekend, a therapist appointment, and a conversation with my sponsor, I replied with the following email:

Dear Thea (not her real name):

Thank you for your email. I am always glad to hear from parents. I am sorry to hear that Connie was upset after the May 12 lesson. That wasn’t my intention. She is a wonderful student and I enjoy having her in class. I think it is best to discuss this over the phone. If you wish to reach me, you can call me on Mondays at Emerson School. I look forward to hearing from you.

At that point, after reflecting on the parents’ email response and the entire situation, I forwarded all of the communication to the principal (the classroom teacher was already in the loop) so she would know what was going on. I also told her to speak to me if she had any questions or concerns. I never heard back from the principal or the classroom teacher. No news is good news.

As of this writing, I have not heard from the parent and Connie has not come back to class. I have not approached them again. This is their decision. I am responsible to make amends, to clean my side of the street. I did that. I am not responsible for how someone reacts or responds, nor can I control it. This experience has truly helped me to realize the true meaning of the first line of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.^[5]

My therapist is right. I was in a circumstance that was beyond my control. I can’t change how Connie feels, what she thinks of me, or the choices she makes in her life. Nor can I take responsibility for it. I can’t change what her mother thinks of me or fix her email etiquette (or lack thereof). All I can do is choose what I focus on and even that takes work. I can choose how I react and respond. 

Realizing all of this is recovery. It doesn’t mean the pain goes away. I’ve been struggling with this.

I did speak with the guidance counselor and another classroom teacher who were wonderfully supportive. I left their offices with a huge sense of relief. I’m not a horrible person. I am not a bad teacher. I do my best. I am not responsible for this child. I am only responsible for myself.

This also ties into the principle of forgiveness. If I want to be forgiven, I have to forgive this parent. I have had to pray for the willingness to be willing to forgive her because I haven’t been willing. I’m getting there. My inner child was and still is very hurt. She goes back and forth between grief, despair, and anger. Occasionally she wanders into the realm of maybe being able to let it go. 

I know I need to let it go. I keep working on it. I’m almost there. That is the right thing to do. I have to turn it over to God. If I keep my eyes focused on God, and turn it all over to Him, he can fix it. I have to let go and let God. I have to turn it over to him.

I am not responsible for others. I am only responsible for myself. It isn’t my fault. All of this is working to help me with my recovery and rid me of my codependent behaviors. 

Dealing with my obsessiveness in this situation with this child and parent for me is like driving through the snowstorm. I can’t see two feet in front of me regarding what is going to happen. Will I ever be forgiven for whatever it is that they think I did? Meanwhile, God wants me to stay focused on him, not on Connie and her mother, not on the approval of other people or the things of this world. I need to keep focused on Him and what he wants me to do.

Even if I’m alone in the dark, in a snowstorm, in a challenging situation at work, having trouble finding my way, I have to focus on Christ. He will get me through it. He always does.

God has revealed to me that His will for me is to write these books, to write, record, and perform my music, and do my art. My job is to carry these messages to those who still suffer from Codependency, as Step 12 and Tradition 5 address:

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.^[6]

5. Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to other codependents who still suffer.^[7]

God’s will for me is to reach out to those who still suffer from codependency. Even if it just helps one other person with their recovery, it will be worth it.

That is me keeping my eyes on Christ.

God if you open the door, I’ll walk through it. This is me walking through the door, into the snow storm. I know he is with me. He is making me into the person he wants me to be.

^[1] Ortberg, John. If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat: A DVD Study. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010.

^[2] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

^[3] Ibid.

^[4] Ibid.

^[5] Serenity Prayer, by Reinhold Neibuhr, 1937.

^[6] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX:  CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. v.

^[7] Ibid.

Simplicity is closely akin to sincerity — a genuineness of life and speech

in which there is no place for sham or artificiality… A life of simplicity and sincerity may be full of activity but it must be a life centered in God.

            ~ Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, Faith and Practice, 1961

Simplicity is my 13^th principle. I need to get back to simplicity. Sometimes I feel like my life is getting too cluttered and full of unnecessary distractions and complications. They have to go.

To me, if I’m living a life of simplicity, it means that I am living a life that has clarity of purpose, is centered on God, and is free of unnecessary distractions and clutter. This is a great goal and one that I strive to achieve.

I live my life for God. My life is His to do with what He will. One could say He is the center of my life, my reason for being. Thus, everything else in my life must support this focus and not distract me from it.

This means I must do everything in my life from this place. I must teach for God, work out for God, write my books and my music for God, take care of my house for God, do service work for CoDA and Quaker Meeting for God, and do my step work for God.

This also means that anything that would distract me from this life’s purpose has to go. Now, in clarifying this, I must say that if I have something that sometimes makes my life easier, I can keep it, even if at first glance it may seem unnecessary or, if you will, complicated.

There are many things in my life that could go on this list. My cell phone, my TV, my computer, my microwave, my new, seemingly complicated land-line telephone and answering system, my new printer, and every new computer program that seems to land on my lap for any number of reasons, whether it is for my job or related to my service work in CoDA or Quaker Meeting.

There are times when any of these items seems to make my life easier. My cell phone, for example, is helpful when I am way from my home and need to contact someone quickly. It’s handy if I’m stranded on the side if the road and need to call a tow truck, and the cell phone would be important if, God forbid, I was in trouble, needed to call the cops, and was away from home. It is also handy to have when the power and phone lines go down, which isn’t very often, thank heavens.

Computers have made life easier in a lot of ways. Word processing programs have made it possible to write things, such as books, reports and letters, much more quickly. With the touch of a button, we can erase a mistake. Back when I was a kid, we had to use white correction fluid, or retype the document if it was to be handed in for a grade for school or important for some other reason. My school district is starting the teachers on all sorts of new computer programs for all sorts of reasons, from planning lessons to uploading our teacher evaluation documents onto a website for all the world to see.

Photocopiers have sure saved the day as we press a button and get copies quickly and cleanly. No more messy carbon paper getting dark smudges all over your fingers.

And after reading in this book how much I struggle with my telephone issues, a new message machine that has a silent feature, programmable ring volumes, caller ID, and more is just what the doctor ordered for Juliet.

The new cable television boxes and their remote controls can provide endless channels full of entertainment if you desire that.

All of these new technologies, of course, have down sides. Computer programs need to be learned. Computers and Internet services fritz out and don’t always work right. Fixing them can be anything but plain and simple. When they break down, writing something by hand can be easier, quicker, and less rage-producing than repeatedly trying to use something that’s not working. Learning new computer programs is time-consuming and, for me, anything but simple.

Photocopiers are a Godsend, but they break, get jammed, and can be complicated to fix to the point where you see signs on them at work and the copy place that say, “Please don’t fix this yourself. Get assistance.” That’s not simple.

The new cable television systems are not simple for me because I can’t seem to learn how to work the new all-in-one remote controls that come with them. So they really end up making my life more complicated. Frustration and often rage come walking in my emotional door and off I go on a rant. Therefore I only have very basic cable on my television, which delivers just the 12 local channels. I have a simple remote that operates my aged television, one that operates my DVD/VCR and one that operates the cable. The television is hardly ever on, so the cable remote doesn’t get used much. Not having to deal with that impossible all-in-one remote control makes my life simpler and happier.

The cell phone is handy, but sometimes too handy and downright distracting. I have a regular, old-fashioned LG cellphone. It’s not a Smart Phone or an iPhone. I got a Smart Phone about a year ago. I had it for 24 hours and took it back. That is way too much availability for me. There is no reason on Earth I need to be that in touch with people or the world. My job gives me a laptop computer with which to connect to my work world through email. That’s fine. I can check that email on my home computer when I get home. I don’t need to, nor do I want to be available to the whole world every minute. It would do me well to let all of the people in my life, especially the parents of my students, know that I do not have a Smart Phone and am not available at all hours. The majority of our society today seems to be plugged in to their phones at all hours. That’s not Juliet’s plan.

There are times when I need to turn off my land-line phone, cell phone, computer, and television and just sit. Stop getting all this input and sit. Just sit and breathe. Or just get on the treadmill and walk. No book or magazine to read, just some music playing on my iPod with me walking and breathing. Yeah, okay, my iPod is going. But I’m not one of those people who is plugged in 24/7, oblivious to the world, crossing the street in front of a Mack truck five seconds from death. I see people behaving like that every day when I’m driving from one school to another during my workday or when I’m on my way home from work. I only have my iPod going when I’m working out on the treadmill, the cross trainer, or lifting weights in a safe environment.

What does all of this have to do with my codependency? It has to do with me taking care of myself. Unplugging from the world is Juliet taking care of herself. That is Juliet letting go of her over-responsibility and caretaking and turning the attention back to God and herself. This is a good thing. I need this. This is part of the way that I give back to people what is theirs. Let’s say a friend is calling me on my phone at 9:30 pm wanting me to solve the problems she is having with her love life. Society today would probably say that is my job. My therapist, my sponsor, my program friends, my Quaker Clearness Committee (discussed in the “Faith” section of this book and in my first book as well), and God through his word say that being a “fix it” person and solving their problems is not my job. That is between the person and God.

So I give people back the issues that were theirs to begin with. I turn the attention back to myself and God, where it belongs. I continue on my God-centered life. Life becomes simpler. I breathe easier.

I used to read when I was on the treadmill. It did help to pass the time more quickly. On the other hand, I don’t have a good reading rack, so I would be dropping things and watching them roll on down the treadmill onto the floor, which would make me angry. I often read the notes I take from my therapist and sponsor meetings while walking on the treadmill. Quite often my notebook would accidentally push a button on the treadmill. All of a sudden instead of doing a brisk walk, it would be like I was running a marathon at full force. Yikes! Then everything would go flying off the treadmill. Then more anger and rage would raise their ugly heads. Not good.

Simplicity is going for a walk. One of my favorite things in life is to walk in the woods near my home. However, it’s been winter here in Vermont for what seems like forever, so I haven’t seen the woods for a while. So lately I have been trying to practice the principle of simplicity when I am on the treadmill. That means I just walk and listen to the music. That’s it. Sometimes I pick up my hand weights to get my heart rate going. At first, when I tried this, I thought, “Wow, this is really boring! But at least I’m really focusing on what I’m doing with my body.” Now I say my positive affirmations 21 times each while I’m on the treadmill. I used to just do this in the pool, but now I do it both places. Put on some tunes and say some affirmations and I’m set. Doing this puts me in a positive state of mind and helps me feel better.

Doing only one thing at a time is simplicity. We live in a multi-tasking world. I overheard a conversation in a coffee shop recently. One person told the other person that they found themselves answering an email, typing a text, and playing WWE games with their son all at the same time. I think society is starting to label this the norm. People get in their car and automatically get their phone out. States are starting to make laws against handheld phones in the car and texting while driving. Thank goodness. Multi-tasking does not fit into the mindset of simplicity. Now once in a while if it’s necessary for me to multitask, which it always is at my job, then that’s okay. But it’s also okay to do just one thing at a time. I think it would be okay for the world to just slow down a little bit. I think it would be okay for Juliet to slow down just a little bit.

I practice simplicity when I just sit and listen to God. I listen for his guidance and direction. I don’t over-analyze what I’m doing or how I’m doing it. I just sit and listen. I get quiet. I focus on my breathing. That brings serenity. That is the point of program. That is recovery. As the slogan says, “Keep it simple, stupid.”

Now once I’ve heard what God wants me to do, I try to do that. That is simplicity. If he tells me not to do something, I try not to do that thing. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I keep trying. I persevere.

I practice simplicity when I grab my violin, pull out a piece of music and play it. Just pick the instrument up and play it. No need to over-think it or spend time outlining the perfect practice session. Just start playing and what I need to work on will be revealed. I need to reinforce this with my students. They need to just pick up their instrument and play for a while. Play each song five times. That’s it. Simple.

A simpler life means an easier life with less distractions that don’t serve me. A plain life lived in this type of humility means less anxiety, stress, and rage. It means more serenity and joy. I am looking forward to living a less cluttered, simpler, more serene life. I will do this with God’s help.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work.
• Make everything you do in your life spiritual.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Before you go into a room, hold it in the Light of God.
• Use your inner wisdom.
• Relax and watch.
• You are only responsible for yourself.
• Change your “how high” habit. When someone says “jump,” I have a habit of saying “how high?” I don’t have to do what everyone else wants me to do anymore.
• Set boundaries for yourself.
• Do your best, do your Make a Plan Process (covered later in this book), let go and let God.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my simplicity:

• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.
• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.
• Let God’s will be done through me.
• Let life be willed through me.
• I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

~Ephesians 4:1 (NIV)

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Simplicity:

• Submission: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer, The Serenity Prayer, and My 11^th Step Prayer. 
• Journaling: I get everything I’m feeling and thinking out of me and on paper.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to discern God’s will for me and helps to keep Him as the center of my life.
• Worship: I pray to God. I walk into His healing arms. I tell him I’m sorry, what I want, what I don’t want, what I’m grateful for, and ask for help for others. I listen to God through meditation while repeating “Yeshua” or “Here I am, Lord.” These words help me focus on Him during worship.
• Music: Listening to music, such as Mozart’s Requiem, Handel’s Messiah, and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas, help me focus my mind on God.
• Exercise: Working out really brings me closer to God. I have had a few spiritual awakenings during my morning workouts.
• Quaker Meeting: God speaks to me at Quaker Meeting. Sometimes He speaks to me directly at Meeting or through the messages spoken by others at our weekly worship. Simplicity is at the heart of the Quaker faith (I cover the Quaker silent method of worship in this book’s “Recovery in Religious Organizations.”)
• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day, listen for His guidance, and try to do His will as I think He has told me. Sometimes He speaks to me through other people at my CoDA meetings, through a radio sermon, in a book, or through people I see during my day.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Not my will but thine be done,” “let go and let God,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Keep it simple, stupid,” and “You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment.” Repeating the slogans really helps me stay centered on God.
• Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done God’s work by giving back and helping other people.
• Evening prayers: At night before I go to sleep, I get on my knees and pray that He’ll watch over me.
• Evening surrender: As I’m falling asleep, I repeat, “I surrender, Lord; I surrender.”

But in front of me

Is a man who’s done his time.

He’s learned his lessons fine for now.

He’ll be taken back.

To try and try again.

Our lessons they send us back.

But can I see?

Can I see?

Can I see?

~ In Front of Me from Fearless Moral Inventory

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2008, all rights reserved

I must work diligently if I am going to continue to recover from codependency. As the saying goes, “It works if you work it.” I have found this to be very true for me.

Perseverance is the spiritual principle behind Step 10.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.^[1]

To me, perseverance means that I keep trying and don’t quit — no matter what. I put one foot in front of the other foot. I keep watch over my behavior patterns and work to change them for the better. I know that these new behavior patterns will lead me closer to God.

Some behaviors and thought processes take much time and effort to change. My over-responsibility and caretaking defects are good examples of this. I have been actively practicing these behaviors for many, many years now. So getting rid of them and building in new ones will take time. It is taking me a long time to learn to take care of myself, let others be responsible for their feelings, and to speak honestly about how I feel and what I need. Sometimes I succeed, many times I fail. I do experience small increments of growth if I work hard. I am taking baby steps.

So I keep trying. I keep going. I lie in bed every night and ask God, “Did I do what you wanted me to do today?” Sometimes I get an answer, sometimes I don’t. If I don’t get an answer, then I accept that what I did was God’s will for me, and that I did my best. If I made mistakes, I admit them and try to do better the next day, not repeating the same mistakes.

Part of the process of building in these new behavior patterns involves doing my step work. I try to do my step work every single week: write something, read it, and then send it to my sponsor.

Every morning, I get on my knees, say The Lord’s Prayer, and give my life to God.

I ask God to do my teaching for me, my step work for me, my writing for me, my work for me. Then I get up and go do my best.

When I take a personal inventory, sometimes I realize I’m wrong and I admit it. Like yesterday, I was teaching students from one of my elementary schools and I started working with the violinists on baby mi (E) string. (I teach my students to name the strings, Grandpa, Papa, Mama and Baby. This helps them remember which string is which.) One student said, “I don’t remember doing this string,” and his book was blank. So was another student’s. Soon I had to admit I was wrong. I looked at my notes, and on the last lesson, we had only prepared for the concert. That was it. So I admitted I was wrong and started teaching it to them. Now I know the first student has had baby mi (E) string before, last year. But he lost his book, and struggles with practicing, so he probably doesn’t think he has had it before. My point is that I had to admit I was wrong.

I need to add humility to this equation. To me, correctly admitting I’m wrong means “humbly” admitting I’m wrong. This means knocking off the resentful attitude that finds something to criticize in another person to make myself feel better. I am that small sometimes and am embarrassed to say so. It has just been so engrained in my mind that I have to be perfect that sometimes I still try like heck to make it someone else’s fault. That’s just being really honest. If it is someone else’s fault, it’s not my fault. Then I’m okay. I’m still perfect.

But wait a minute! I’m not perfect! I am a flawed human being. There is only one perfect being in existence and that is God. It’s okay for me to makes mistakes.

While I’m diligent in my efforts to do the best job I can, I admit I’m wrong. I made other mistakes at that school that same week. I thought I had only one lesson with those students that month, so I told them I wouldn’t see them for a couple of weeks. Then I looked again at the calendar, talked to the secretary, and there was a lesson the next week. So I had to call their parents and say, “Sorry, I was wrong; there is violin lesson next week.” I was wrong and I survived. It’s true!

I also have to admit when I’m right. Like in reviewing my perseverance, I see that I’ve been working very hard at not raging anymore. I did pretty well this week. I didn’t have any rage attacks.

My over-responsibility and caretaking recovery is in the process of taking two steps forward and one step back. I have been overly worried about my sister to the point of obsession these last few days. I was taking my morning walk in the woods when this type of thing occurred. Every time the obsession would start, I would have to catch it and bring myself back into the moment. And it was a beautiful moment. The forest near my house is one of the most beautiful places in the world as far as I’m concerned. Anyone who would walk there and still say there is no God would have to be declared insane, in my opinion. So I kept redirecting my attention. It does not serve me to obsess.

Last night, I did some caretaking of a friend who called on the phone. (That blasted telephone again.) I spent all of my vacuuming time talking to her on the phone. I compromised and swept with a broom while talking to her instead. I tried to do what I could to make it okay with myself but deep down I really wanted to vacuum the house. So next time, I should let the person leave a message and then I’ll call them back.

The other night, I learned that a colleague’s husband died at a relatively young age. I started internalizing it, feeling her feelings, and I was very, very sad. Then I caught myself. I can’t fix it. I can’t bring him back. I don’t have to feel her feelings. I can have compassion and empathy. I sent a card. I signed their online funeral list. That’s enough. I caught myself getting enmeshed with these people, and I did some step work to correct it.

Today I learned that a Quaker friend of mine knows someone whose kids were killed by their nanny. How awful. Not fair. I can’t internalize that either. I am only responsible for myself. Baby steps.

There’s always another chance to try again. I just have to be tenacious. I only fail if I stop trying. I can’t do that. I have to keep working on my recovery; otherwise, these defects will eat me alive.

I persevere with trying to learn the violin. I bought an awesome machine that plays Music Minus One CDs but slows them down. Very cool! Very fun. Using this machine helps my practice time to go very quickly and is very fulfilling.

I admit that my rage doesn’t serve me. So my therapist asked me what I could do to get out of rage, go into the observer, and distract the inner spoiled six-year-old child inside of me that has tantrums when I don’t get what I want and start raging. I said, “Music might work.” Lincoln Park, The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded soundtracks, Tom Petty, and Porcupine Tree all fit the bill as music that will get my rage safely out of my body. So now they’re in my car, along with my Angry Bird mascots that are attached to my dashboard.  (You’ll find more on music to release rage in the “Music for Recovery” section later in this book.)

I persevere in trying to do Weight Watchers and do my diet. When I go over my points, I admit it and try again.

I persevere in trying to not feel responsible for everyone.

I persevere in trying to keep Hidden Angel Company going, while teaching full-time. It’s very busy.

I am determined to do a good job teaching. It’s going pretty well. I told my therapist that it seems like God must want me to do that. She said, “When you do what God wants you to do, He rewards you.”

I persisted in getting my first book done and published and now I have 16 good reviews. My sponsor says that this is God’s way of saying “good for you” 16 times.

I am determined to recover from my defects. I will practice new behaviors every day. I will do this by:

1. Letting others take care of themselves.
2. Stopping work when I’m too tired to continue.
3. Getting more sleep.
4. Being kind to others.
5. Breathing in and out.
6. Bringing myself back to this moment when obsessing.
7. Practicing gratitude, instead of negativity.
8. Leaving myself enough time to do things so that I can be more patient.

I will not give up.

I persevere in trying to get closer to God, to surrender to Him, to give up control, which I think I secretly idolize. I preserve in trying to listen to Him and hear Him. I need more sleep to do this.

Just like my car won’t run right if I don’t check the oil, and get the tires changed and balanced, I won’t get better from codependency if I don’t do my 10^th Step every day and keep trying to get closer to God, healthier, and rid myself of my defects.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Use your inner wisdom.
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Change your self-judgment habit.
• Do your best, do your Make a Plan Process (covered later in this book), let go and let God.
• I am doing the best I can in this moment to nurture my career and myself.
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my perseverance:

• It’s okay that you’re not perfect.
• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay for my child and me to be who we are, ourselves. We are loveable.
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I am a good person.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough.  I am a good person.
• Today I am God’s brand new creation.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

The steps I take to practice perseverance:

• More journaling:  I journal as much as necessary to get my feelings out of me and on paper.
• Worship: I talk to God through prayer to get the strength I need to get through my day. Then I listen through meditation to what God has to say by sitting in silent worship and waiting upon him. This helps me to get up and keep trying again for another day.  At night before I go to sleep, I ask God, “Did I do what you wanted me to do today?” I listen. Accept. Sleep.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me get the perseverance to keep going and try again.

• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers, and listening for His direction throughout my day. Sometimes He speaks to me through other people at Quaker Meeting, at my CoDA group, through a radio sermon, in a book, during a bible study, or through people I see during my day.
• Program literature: I read Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12), and other literature. Reading this literature helps me to better understand the purpose behind Step 10 — the benefits of perseverance.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is in charge of my life; He must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do. His word has a lot to say about perseverance.
• Willingness: I pray for the willingness to get up and try again, one day at a time. 
• Read the daily list: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask Him to remove them if and when He is ready. I become recommitted to overcoming these defects.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Don’t quit before the miracle happens,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “When all else fails, follow directions,” “Progress, not perfection,” and “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Let it go: Once I give it to God, I let go and trust Him. Move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment. 

I have a very happy life, and I have gratitude and happiness more than ever before thanks to the work I do with my sponsor and this program. I have been given a gift. Thank you, God!

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

It’s not our show

It’s his to run,

We can only come home

Like the prodigal son

Do our best to give up control

Bide our time, walk in faith

~ Something to Believe In from Fearless Moral Inventory

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved

I have to be able to surrender in order to live life in this world. It’s just absolutely necessary. Otherwise I’ll drive myself completely crazy.

Surrender is one of the most basic and vital spiritual principles in the recovery program. It has become an essential spiritual practice for me. I surrender many things to God daily. I begin my day by getting on my knees and giving my day to God.

To me, surrender means that I give up control of something. In this case, I am giving up control of my life to God. 

The principle of surrender is the river bed in which the water of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 3 flows:

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.^[1]

I have faith, confidence, and trust in Christ and in God’s divine plan for me. Why then do I not have confidence in my ability to follow him? Because I don’t surrender enough. It is insufficient for me to just get on my knees once in the morning and think, “Okay, now I’m set.” I am much too human and flawed for that. I have to practice surrendering every moment of every day.

Sometimes I am a poor example of a child of God. For example, I rage, I lose my temper. My commute is annoying. My inability to get my carcass out of the gym on time to have a relaxed drive to work, if that is possible, is hopeless and totally rage-producing. So I will pray for the willingness to be willing to have confidence in myself and to give up control, get up every morning, and try again. Give up control. Surrender.

The phone brings out the dark side of me also. I get mad when it rings. Ridiculous, I know. I feel responsible for whomever is on the other end of the line. I have to fix them, take care of them. After all, they are probably calling me for help — right?

At the same time, I can’t control when the phone rings. I probably can’t control whatever the person is calling about or asking me to do either. I need to surrender the phone to God. This is a circumstance beyond my control. I will address the phone in more detail later.

When I surrender, I give up control of my life to God. I mean I never really had control of it anyway, but I come to terms with this in my mind. God’s in charge. I can’t control whatever it is.

I surrender to God my over-responsibility and caretaking. I don’t have to fix or control it. I can let go. I can give it to God. I can’t fix it and I don’t have to fix it. I let go and let God.

Surrender takes the pressure off me. Let go, Juliet.

I had to surrender a lot during my brother-in-law’s illness (and eventual death). Many days, I was sad about his illness to the point that I could barely function. I was desperately worried about my sister in all of this. I felt responsible for her and wanted to fix everything for her. I didn’t want either of them to hurt. I wanted them to get their “happily ever after.” This was codependency because it was bordering on my not being able to take care of myself. I was just about at a standstill with despair. I couldn’t fix it, nor was it my responsibility. Where were my boundaries? I needed to surrender all of this to God and I did, repeatedly. It was difficult. It hurt. I hurt for them. Still, I kept surrendering. 

Yes, I have had to surrender my over-responsibility and caretaking to God. He is the only one who can take it away from my tortured soul.

I have to surrender my job to God too. I do this on a daily basis. Lately I have been too worried about what other people think of me. I have to give up my control of who takes my class, who has decided to quit, who likes me, who doesn’t, whose parents are happy with me, and whose parents are dissatisfied.

The good news is that I can lay down my arms to God. I don’t have to figure it out. Any of it. Even cancer. Juliet did not have to and could not cure cancer by the end of whatever day or days she was in a state of hopelessness. I don’t have to plan my life all out perfectly. All I have to do is my best, do what is in front of me, and trust that this was God’s will for me for that day. God can figure it out for me. He can pave the way for me and show me what he wants me to do. Whatever I did not get done today, he didn’t want me to get done. Whatever I got done, it is enough.

A Living Sacrifice

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,

to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God,

which is your spiritual worship.

~Romans 12:1 (NIV)

I need to present my life to God as a living sacrifice. That means keeping my emotions out of things, like the CoDA basic text says:

In seeking God’s will for us for specific situations, we may be led to let go emotionally and do nothing — neither taking nor making changes in our path circumstances.^[2]

The following bible verse was on my desk calendar a couple of days ago:

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospels will save it.”

~ Mark 8:34-35 (NIV)

Looking at that bible verse, an idea came to me:

God is in charge. I can surrender my life to him. Give my life over. Give up on controlling everything.

This is what surrender means to me. Whenever I was on the edge of despair over my brother-in-law’s illness, I got on my knees and surrendered. I gave it back to God. I turned it over. Whenever I am in anguish over the demise of my long-time friendship with Doris, I can give it over to God. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself. 

Surrender means to me that I will do today one step at a time and give every step to God. I will try my best to do what he wants me to do. I will put God first today. I will surrender. I will say this every morning:

One step at a time. Live in gratitude.

Surrendering is becoming as natural as breathing for me. Today, that is. Right now. With every breath, I am letting go and letting God.

It means surrendering my worries about my sister, Alice. Let go, Juliet. Detach. Surrender your concerns to God. He will take care of her.

It means surrendering my responsibility to others. Here’s all these people God, please take over.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

Positive Affirmation:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.

I was listening to Reverend Steve Mays on my way to work one day. Steve was the senior pastor at the Calvary Chapel South Bay in Gardena, California until his death in October 2014. He said that sometimes God removes people from our lives because we put too much emphasis on them. God wants the emphasis to be on him.^[3] This might be God’s work in my life right now. He wants me to put him first, do my job and, most of all, do this book. That is my work on this planet right now. That is the job he has for me to do. I will do my best to do it.

Surrender means putting God in the driver’s seat. He’s the one who should be there. Not me. I mean He is there already and my control and spot in the driver’s seat is just an illusion. I just have to acknowledge that and get my stupid human ego out of the way. I will follow. I will listen. Thank you, God.

Surrender, Juliet. Let go. Just let go.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Surrender:

• Submission: I get on my knees and say, “I surrender, dear Lord; I surrender. I give you my life. It is about what you want, not about what I want.”
• More journaling: I journal to get the issues out of me.
• Scripture: I read my bible, especially verses that involve pouring out my soul to God and trusting him with my life.
• Worship: I worship through prayer and meditation. I talk to him through prayer and listen in meditation. Worship is complete surrender to God.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• God is in charge: I remember that God is sovereign and he has a plan for me. All I have to do pray, listen, obey, and let go.
• The God within: I realize that there is part of God inside me and I can trust that.
• Breathe! I breathe in and out.
• Let it go: I let it go.
• Get rid of negativity: I burn my journal notes, if necessary, to get rid of that negativity.
• Relief: I feel better!
• Gratitude: I give thanks to my generous, forgiving, wonderful God. He is so good to me.
• More mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “this too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[2] Ibid., p. 73.

^[3] Mays, Steve. Overwhelmed by God and Not Your Troubles (Audio). Word For Life, 2013.

Then I embrace my loving God

He fits me like a glove

~ My Sinking Ship from Fearless Moral Inventory

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2009, all rights reserved

Faith is one of the most fundamental, foundational, and important spiritual principles. I need to have faith in something greater than myself in order to be able to obtain victory over what I am struggling with. For me, though, it goes deeper than that. I have to have faith in order to even get out of bed and function in the morning. Faith is a huge part of my life and of who I am. It’s a part of my every waking moment.

To me, faith means that I completely believe and trust in something, whether I see it in front of my eyes or not. I choose to believe it.

Two synonyms for faith are trust and hope.

Faith is believing the word of God and acting upon it no matter how I feel because God promises a good result.

~ James McDonald, author of Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

~ Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

One of my favorite bible teachers said that faith is not a blind leap in the dark — that is superstition. Faith is based on knowledge, belief, and trust. That takes time. 

To me, faith is my complete belief, trust, and confidence that something is true without having to see it first. I have faith that Christ was both fully human and fully God. I did not have to watch him rise from the dead or turn the water into wine in order to believe it. God has performed many miracles in my life. My experience of these miracles has helped to build my trust in Him. I do good things only because God does them through me. I can take no credit in the good I do in this world, except to say that I do my best to be obedient to him.

Faith is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 2:

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.^[1]

I admit I am powerless over my over-responsibility and caretaking. I cannot control them. They are controlling me. My life has become unmanageable.

So what do I do? There must be something bigger, better, and more in control of everything to help me out here. There must be something out there that can do for me what I cannot do for myself, as program friends often say. That is God. He can help me. He can bring back my sanity.

I have complete confidence that God exists and is very present in my everyday life. He is the director of my life’s journey. I know I will be with Him when I die and go to heaven. 

In order to have faith in someone, I must know them. In order to know them, I must spend time with them, understand them, and cultivate a relationship with them.

I trust God because I know God. I spend time with God. I spend time reading and listening to his Word, listen to Him at Meeting, during my morning worship, and on my way to work. I talk to and listen to Him throughout the day. Sometimes I am too tired to hear him. I am working on correcting that.

I would not be anywhere without my faith in God. I would have crumbled like a dry piece of coffee cake when Alex and I split up ten years ago. I was devastated, but God got me through it. I went to meeting. I met with my Quaker Clearness Committee. (A Quaker Clearness Committee is a group of three or more Quakers who meet with a person on request to help them to discern God’s will for them. I also discussed Clearness Committees in my first book.) They told me of God’s will as we discerned it together. I knew these people and had spent time with them. I trusted them. I trusted the God that spoke through them.

If I had never met those committee members before, or hadn’t spent time on other committees with them, I would not have had that trust base. But I did. I trust the God that speaks through them. I trust the God that speaks through my therapist. I trust the God that spoke to me and told me to move to Vermont, do my book, do my music, cut my hair, and go back to my natural color.

I heard somewhere that faith is not believing God can, but knowing God will. I like that.

So it’s like walking across a rickety bridge over a canyon and trusting that if I’m meant to live, I will live, and if I’m meant to die, I will die. And I will die willingly because that is what God wants. 

Faith is trusting that whatever happens is meant to happen and is the will of God.

I have faith, trust, and confidence in my God. I recognize that he knows what is best for me. He has saved me from my sins. He will guide me through my life. Whatever happens will be his will and I will handle it one tiny step at a time. It will all work out. I will trust, have confidence in, and believe it will all work out the way God wants it to work out and it will be perfect.

I have a sign in my office that says, “Listen, Trust, Obey.” I will do my best to listen to God, trust what he says, and obey Him. I will turn it all over to Him and let go of the rest.

I have confidence in and rely on God that he will lead me down the path of this life that’s best for me to learn what I came here to learn.
I just wish I could do a better job of being his child. I wish I could do a better job of remembering and trusting that the Holy Spirit lives inside me and I can trust and follow that. I will work hard on that.

I have faith that God is there and he can help me with my over-responsibility and caretaking as I struggle with it daily. He is there and can protect me from myself as I worry, fret, stew, try to fix everything, save others from hurting or dying, trying to play God. I am not God. That is not my job. He has that job.

He will do his job. Embracing this is what Step 2 is about  — believing he is there and is sovereign. He is in control.

Sometimes it seems like the crisis wheel keeps spinning in our family with one thing after another. I worry it will spin out of control.

Other times I just plain get sick of the endless series of disasters that seem to come down our Family Pike. My sponsor tells me that this is just how life is.
So now, when I am fretting about all of this stuff, what is going to happen, and how I can control it, I will stop and remember that there is a God and I turn it over to Him. Then I will let go and repeat helpful slogans to myself.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Be still and know I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.

Here is a slogan from Pastor James MacDonald that has been very helpful for me:

~ Let’s just trust God for that.^[2]

I will work hard on building trust, confidence, assurance, hope, and certainty in my ability to listen to and follow the God that is inside of me, instead of doubting, blaming, and shaming myself.

Positive Affirmations:

• There is that of God inside me.
• God doesn’t make junk. I am a perfect child of God.
• Doubting the God in me is like doubting God. I have faith in the God in me. I’m doing the best I can.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Faith:

• More journaling:  Writing gets everything out of me.
• Reflection: I look at what I wrote and admit my powerlessness over my defects of over-responsibility and caretaking.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation, I surrender my life to God and listen to Him. I am practicing my faith.
• Scripture: I become involved in daily bible study through the bible, bible audio CDs, and audio sermons.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• The God within: I try to remember I have that of God inside of me and I can trust this.
• Pray continuously: I talk to and pray to God throughout the day as much as possible. This can include giving thanks, surrendering on my hands and knees, or asking for help out loud.
• God is in charge: I realize that God has a plan for me and it will be revealed to me when the time is right.
• I’m doing my best: I realize I’m doing the best I can and give myself credit for that.
• Get to a meeting: I get myself to a CoDA meeting, either in person, online, or just by myself reading the literature and meeting format. (Discussed earlier in “Recovery in Program.”)
• Step work: I do step work, read it to my sponsor, or print it out on the computer and mail it to her, or both.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

Thank you, God!

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[2] MacDonald, James. Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late. Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2001.

Having addressed my persistence quite thoroughly in the “Perseverance” section of “The Principles,” it is clear to see that I am a persistent, diligent, hard-working person.

My workaholism has also been well-defined throughout this book as one of my defects of character. I have defined my workaholism as a defect of character and it is. But diligence, when taken in the proper dosage, can be seen as a positive character trait.

I’ve always been a hard worker. I come from a family of hard workers. We were always a very productive bunch of folks.

I also come from a family of list makers. We were always big on making lists. I still make lists to this day. I make a “to do” list every week. It is usually three pages long and includes everything I have to do for the week from journaling, worshipping, working out, to CoDA meetings, Quaker meetings, and lists of things for my job. I never get everything checked off on the list, but I sure try hard. The end result is that I’m very productive and I feel good about that. I like that about myself. Juliet gets things done. Good for her.

I work hard at learning the violin, viola, cello, and guitar, writing books, writing music, and teaching. I find great fulfillment in all of these activities.

I am a very hard working teacher. I labor over every detail of my lesson plans until they are just right. I try to make the lessons fun, informative, and engaging, while striving to provide a comfortable, friendly learning environment. I try to greet them with a friendly hello and a smile when they come in the door. I try to encourage them to work hard, do their best, enjoy the music they are making and the process of learning. As stories in other parts of this book have revealed, I am not perfect at this. Teaching is a difficult profession. I try very hard and do the best I can.

This hard work in the classroom has paid off for me. I have a cello student that we’ll call Curt (not his real name). Curt has been one of my students for three years. He’s one of the most enthusiastic students I’ve ever had. He is in my music room practicing and learning every chance he gets. He is very appreciative of all of the instruction he has received from me. I have received many kind notes of gratitude and gifts from him and his family. Curt is off to middle school now and I’ll miss him. How grateful I am to have had the privilege of teaching him. This student’s success in music is the result of his passion and hard work, combined with well-delivered instruction, a comfortable learning environment, and lots of encouragement. If the instruction lacked planning and inspiration and the setting was consistently uncomfortable, I doubt that the outcome would have been the same. This diligence has been worth it.

I work hard for my Quaker Meeting and my CoDA Fellowships (in this setting, I am using fellowships to encompass all of the different CoDA groups I am involved with). This work is worth it as it feeds my soul. I am growing spiritually as a result of this work and thus I feel better about myself.

I work hard building and maintaining a close relationship with God. This is worth more to me than words can express. It is everything to me.

My diligence has produced good things in my life. I am very happy about this.

I like the part of me that is a hard worker. I just have to stop tying my self-worth up in what I accomplish. Binding my self-worth to my work only feeds my workaholism.

Taking the self-worth piece out of the equation will defuse the part of me that turns my diligence into workaholism. I have humbly given God this defect of character. He will take it away when He is ready to do that. In the meantime, I keep working my program. I give that to God too. It works if I work it.

Now I’ll confront my fears head on

Speak my truth, sing my song

And if you chose to walk away

After you’ve heard what I have to say

At least I believed in me.

~ All These Fears by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2011, all rights reserved

In the next entry, I discuss an experience I had with a parent who expressed dissatisfaction with some elements of my work. How I handled the situation shows my recovery at work. I’m proud of that.

What other people think of me is none of my business. My therapist told me this and I like it. Other people’s thoughts and opinions are about them. They have nothing to do with me.

Thank you God.

I’m sitting here fretting and stewing about what some of my parents think of me. So if what other people think of me is none of my business that is great news. One parent hasn’t thought much of me this particular week.

Teachers are really public servants. My sponsor/teacher/mentor/friend told me that and I believe her. We are public servants. This, amongst many other factors, makes it a very difficult job. We do are best. Juliet does her best.

Yes, Juliet does her best for her students every day. She did her best at her first Rosemead School concert on Monday. The concert turned out well. The kids who were there performed well. At least four students didn’t show up, which was a bummer. But the students who did show up were great. Thanks be to God.

My commute was horrible that day, but I dealt with it. There was road construction everywhere and traffic was awful. I don’t mean Los Angeles awful, but still awful. We all know how Juliet feels about traffic. I have to put in my Matrix Reloaded soundtrack and stare at my Angry Birds to be able to deal with it and not curse like a sailor. Breathe. It’s okay. This wonderful construction will be going on for one month, until the end of school. Oh joy. Lucky me. Deal with it. Okay. Let it go. Breathe. Cool. God loves me. Thank God. Put in a bible tape after Marilyn Manson gets done screaming. Breathe. Okay. I’m okay now.

I got to school, with only one minute to get my kids for class. You see my Early Morning Orchestra is a before school activity. So I have to meet my students at the front door, which takes extra time and effort. Forget about going to the bathroom, setting up, breathing in and out. Just hit the ground running. I dealt with it. I got through my teaching day, trying to live in the moment and focus on my students. I tried to not let my mind and heart worry about Alice and her grief over the death of her husband.

That same evening, we had our spring concert. After the concert was over, one parent came to see me in my room. She expressed dissatisfaction with her child’s placement on stage. She wanted her child to be in the front. She told me that her child also wanted to be in the front but was in the back for both concerts. She felt that her child was discouraged by this. Her child plays the bass.

“Bass players don’t sit in the front,” I began to explain. “Their instruments are big and I wouldn’t be able to see anyone else if I put them in the front.”

“Well, that wasn’t very well received,” she said rather defensively.

“This is a standard setup for an orchestra,” I told her.

Still she wasn’t satisfied.

“Well, think about it,” I continued. “If I put Irving in the front that means someone has to go in back of him and I’ll get complaints from that parent that their child can’t be seen.”

 
The parent continued. “He is a sensitive boy so he may not play next year. He doesn’t want to sit in the back and none of his friends play bass. He doesn’t like being the only one. I can send him back to the music school. He wants to be in the front.”

So up came Irving to see his mom. I began trying to talk to Irving and his mom put up her hand to stop me.

“We can talk about this later,” the mom said. She glanced towards her son in a way that said, “Please don’t talk about this now.”

So we ended the conversation somehow and I went back into my room.

Soon I headed out to the parking lot and there was that parent again.

“I feel like I miscommunicated. I’m not being a back stage mom, I’m really not. I don’t need him in the spotlight. I can take him to the music school for that.”

This was the second time she mentioned the music school. So was this a threat?

“Maybe if you explained to him that it has nothing to do with him not being good enough,” the mom continued. “It’s just because it is a big instrument, that this is the standard format of an orchestra. He would understand that.”

Okay, I just tried to do that and you stopped me, I thought to myself.

“I wish I hadn’t said anything,” the mom concluded as she started to walk away. “This didn’t go well.”

“I’m just trying to figure it out and communicate,” I said calmly as I watched her head toward her car. “We’ll figure it out,” I added. At least I think I said that last part.

So I stewed and fussed about it all the way home.

Juliet’s Defects of Character at work:

• Other people’s beliefs and opinions are always more important than mine. They are always right and I am always wrong.
• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do. I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings at work:

• This all my fault. I did something wrong.
• They are right. I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I am less than.

On my way home, I started talking to God about it.

“God, please help me focus on you and not this woman. Please help me turn it over, because you have something to say to me. Help me, Lord. Help me get this. Help me understand. Help me to just focus on you and I’ll give it to you and you’ll figure it out. It’s all for the highest good. Show me the steps forward. I did a little step work and talked to a program friend and that is a step forward. I have value and I deserve to be happy. All that matters is that you be glorified. I will listen to the Holy Spirit and will be obedient. That is what I need to do.”

During worship, God comforted me with the following verse:

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?

Or am I trying to please people?

If I were still trying to please people,

I would not be a servant of Christ.

~ Galatians 1:10 (NIV)

I gave it to God and he gave me comfort. I got on my knees and surrendered to God. I put a note in my God Box about it. That always helps.

Positive Affirmation:

• Let’s just trust God for that.

Juliet’s Codependency Pattern:

• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.

In recovery, I realize that the world is not always this black and white. No one is always right but God.

In recovery, I realize that communication with others is a two way street. I always do my best to speak the truth as I know it and act on the best interests of everyone.

So what other people think of me is none of my business.

As my therapist says, what other people think is about them. It is what they see through their screen. It is theirs.

Then a light bulb went on inside my head. Suddenly all the hard work I’ve been doing in recovery and therapy started its engines, and I had my own power supply running in my tired teaching head.

Maybe this woman wasn’t trying to make me feel like crap. Maybe she feels like she messed up and she shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe she is struggling with insecurity inside herself. That could be true too. My being able to think that and not just blame myself for it is a miracle from God. That’s recovery.

There was another way to think about it. I didn’t have to come from a place of fear, thinking things like, Oh my Gosh, this kid is going to quit and I’m a bad teacher. I am a less-than human being. I’ve failed and everyone knows it. None of that was true.

Positive Affirmation:

I will not believe Lucifer’s lies. I will believe the truth that I am a beloved child of God.

Then I came up with some solutions:

• I’ll try to rearrange the seating plan so Irving is in the front and still is in orchestra formation.
• I will also ask him if he wants to do a solo.

Pastor Steve Mays says we have to admit powerlessness over things we can’t control and things we can’t fix. That is when God is getting ready to do a major work in our life. So I admit powerlessness over this parent and her opinions of me.

Signs of Recovery

All of this hard work was worth it. I am, by the grace of God, seeing growth. I am seeing recovery.

For one thing, the time I spent in anguish about this occurrence was shorter. I have been obsessive about it for the past couple of days, but it hasn’t been constant and I haven’t been in complete despair about it. All or nothing catastrophic thinking is not at work as much as it used to be. I now see solutions and a way out. I also see both sides of the situation a little better. I am still stewing about it, but it is not devastating like it used to be. These are signs of growth.

In those moments of the exchanges between the mom and me, I was upset. My heart was pounding and my inner child was upset. However, I was able to look at this woman and see that she was struggling too. She was trying to get what she wanted. She wanted her kid to be in the front.

The next day, I emailed both parents. I thanked the woman for our exchange and told the dad I was copying him on the email at his request to be on the list. I told them I had rearranged the entire seating arrangement so that Irving could be in the front and still be in orchestra formation. I also suggested he do a solo and asked them to discuss it with their son and get back to me. I also stated that I totally support private instruction at the music school and that it really helps students to grow as musicians. I was happy with my email when I sent it.

I have never heard anything further from the mom on this matter.

Now I can look at the situation and realize I did my best.

All of this is for my growth. All of this is for my learning.

Again, as my therapist once told me, what other people think of me is none of my business, even if it’s good. It is about them, what they’re thinking. This makes it an outside issue, just like Tradition 10 says:

CoDA has no opinion on outside issues; hence the CoDA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

            Tradition 10, Co-Dependents Anonymous, Second Edition, second printing, 2009. P. v.

This applies directly to my issue with this parent. This about her and her thoughts are an outside issue. They have nothing to do with me. This gets me off the hook. 

If I made a mistake, I’ll promptly admit it. But I don’t think I made a mistake. I didn’t know anything was wrong. I even tried to have Irving in orchestra at the beginning of the year, but it seemed like it was too much for him. Besides, his mother complained about having to bring him early, citing transportation issues. She seemed relieved when she didn’t have to bring him early anymore.

Positive Affirmation:

• Today I release myself from all expectations.

I have to release myself from all expectations because I had the expectation that this woman would say something, like “Thank you for what you do,” or “I think what you do is good,” but she said nothing after I made those changes.

I have to stop having expectations about people and what they will say and do. I am just setting myself up for disappointment when I have expectations about anything.

I used to have high expectations for everything and sometimes I still do. But there are moments in my life now when I’m satisfied if I can just get the lawn mower started. That would be a good day. Waking up and realizing I am still alive is enough to make it a good day.

I did the best I could. I am not less than. I am a beloved child of God. I am a very hard working teacher. I answer to a higher authority, to a loving God who is always with me, always watching, always sovereign.

I will keep an open mind about others and accept them as they are. This means keeping an open mind about myself and accepting myself as I am.

Positive Affirmation:

• God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.

This is hard work and there are challenges. There is pain and hurt, but there is also growth, recovery, and joy. God is in control of all of it. I am grateful. Program works. Thank you God.

One morning during my worship, I received a message from God that I didn’t understand. 

The message was Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is what you need to be concerned about.  Be who you are.

What is Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma?  I didn’t know what it was or what it had to do with being myself. So later on in my day, when I had a minute, I got on the Internet and looked it up.  This disease is a form of cancer.  The cause of this disease has been linked to hair dye.  I was bleaching my hair at the time and had been for years.  This message hit me like a ton of bricks.  I prayed and prayed about it and eventually went back to my natural hair color. 

But there was more to the message.  Be who you are.   What did that mean?  I prayed some more.  I listened some more. 

The next message that came through was Cut your hair.  Be who you are.  

I was very troubled by this as I had long hair that I really liked.  I prayed some more and listened.  Over the next couple of months, I repeatedly received the same message.  I listened, obeyed, and cut my hair.

I know now that the purpose of this message and of cutting my hair was to get me in touch with my inner teen.  My inner teen is me at 14.  She is overweight, has short hair, and a very round face.  By cutting my hair, in a way I became her again (minus the weight). 

The message became more detailed, adding things like do that book. I had been talking to a friend of mine about writing a book about my codependency and this message from God just confirmed that.  Writing the book is also helping me to heal my inner teen.

My inner teen has even lower self-esteem than my inner child. She often hides her face from me too full of shame to turn around.  She sees herself as a fat ugly loser. She is me at 14, that same year that Dad yelled at me for being fat in a restaurant full of people. The same year Cain tore my clothes off behind the Catholic Church. The same year Betty stopped talking to me. The same year that we had that awful “If you don’t stop, I’m leaving you” family meeting that produced absolutely zero positive results regarding my mother and her drinking.

My inner teen had all of these bad sexual experiences, and it has had a lasting effect on her.  Yet she has sexual urges herself and she thinks herself dirty for it.  She hates talking about this. However, Elizabeth Gilbert who toured the world and wrote a great book Eat, Pray, Love talks about it so why not?  Sexuality.  I don’t know if my inner teen will ever be accepting of and comfortable with this subject.   She deals with the sensual part of herself as best she can. 

This pimply kid still exists inside me. Every day, I go inside and give her a big hug.  I tell her everything is going to be okay. I want to go back in time and tell her love starts here.  So what if 20 years beyond your teens, your husband has a change of heart and skips town?  So what if your best friend isn’t talking to you?  You’re still okay.  You are a beloved child of God, just the way you are. 

Inner child work has been a very important part of my recovery.  I try to connect with my inner children as often as possible.  I will continue this important work.

Let the Child speak

Let her voice be heard

She’s no longer weak.

But she hasn’t said a word.

(Let the Child Speak, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Who is the inner child? Cathryn L. Taylor, author of The Inner Child Workbook, describes the inner child or inner children as “the voices inside you that carry the feelings you were unable to express as a child.”[1]

My inner child is the real me, the one that was squashed into the corner when I was little. The one that was scared and screamed at by my dad to be perfect all the time. She is who I really am.  And she is wise.  She is a part of God.  But she gets ignored a lot.  After a while, this really ticks her off.  My inner child gets to the point where she will not be ignored anymore. 

I have done quite a bit of inner child work, and it has been some of the most difficult, yet rewarding.  I’m learning who I am and how I feel by doing this work.  It’s my true self revealed.  I wrote my song Let the Child Speak about this very subject.

I first started doing inner child work with my therapist.  It was then that I discovered this sometimes scared, angry, frustrated, sad, lonely little girl.  This little girl thinks she has to be perfect to be okay. This little girl thinks she has to earn her right to be.  If she makes mistakes, she is less than.  She has no self-esteem.  She thinks everything she does is wrong.

It is through this inner child work that I uncovered my memories about Grandpa Roman that I spoke of earlier in this book.

Yes, she feels all the feelings on Juliet’s Feelings List on a regular basis. 

[1] Cathryn L. Taylor, The Inner Child Notebook: What to do with your past when it won’t go away. (New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam, 1991), p. 1.