Signs of Forgiveness

Forget the past

It’s surely gone

All we have is now

It’s best to move on
~ All I Can Do by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2009, all rights reserved

In my first book, I wrote extensively about my parents and all the defects of character that I developed as a result of the dysfunctional relationships I had with them. In the following story, I reflect on how my recovery has led me to forgive and have compassion for the people who were my parents.

My parents were really into antiques. My mother and father decorated their house with all types of aged items, and they were always looking to add to their collection. It was a passion that they shared together. Part of this collection consisted of some Delft china of my mother’s that used to sit in the corner cupboard of our kitchen. I would see it there as a child but don’t ever remember looking closely at it or taking note of the pictures that were on it. It was just there in my home with me, along with the cigarettes left on the saucer by mistake and the Stoli’s vodka that was in the teacup in the corner.

Through the course of my tumultuous childhood, resentments built up inside of me. I suffered neglect at the hands of my mother, who was rarely there for me emotionally or spiritually. I had a lot of anger towards her for drinking and blamed her for almost everything. My father was in his power-hungry mode, and he had a desire for control, money, and women — all of that really turned me off too. So I decided that I wanted to run away from all of that and not participate in it. I didn’t want to have any part of it. I took pride in the fact that I didn’t want anything from them, not their money, value system, social life, antiques, or memories.

But over the course of time, experience, recovery, and taste, I’ve grown to really like antiques and country style. In fact, I did like some of my mother’s things. So when she moved out to California to live near my sister, I got some of her copper collectibles, and when she passed away, I decided I would like her Delft. Still, it sat in her storage unit for a really long time.

I remember Mom saying when she moved to California that she wanted to keep her Delft. Yet she didn’t want to get it out of the boxes and set it up on her new hutch, because it was just too sad. I couldn’t understand that. It is just china. What’s the big deal? I thought. Maybe it reminded her of the family farm and how my sister and I sold it so she would have to move and live a less isolated, safer life in town, but I didn’t know. What’s the matter with her? Whatever.

After my mother passed away, I did have the Delft shipped from California to my home in Vermont. I took it out, set it up, and looked at it. It has ships on it. Then it hit me. Oh my gosh, that is the reason it was so sad for her.

My father grew up as a sailor on Lake Michigan. Sailing was his thing. After my folks got married, they would sail together. They would compete in sailboat races, and they also invited friends to be on the boat to party. The five-o’clock-cocktail-hour crowd spent many hours on the decks of that boat. It was like a status thing for her. I really don’t think she was that fond of sailing, I think it kind of scared her. But she did it to make him happy and to be with him. She was fond of the status and how it made her appear to other people. That represented them, that boat. So I thought, Oh, that’s it. Mom was a hopeless romantic. Yet that God of my father had failed her. That is why it was so sad because she realized that he wasn’t true to her and the romance had died. Then he died. Poor Mom, I thought. I wouldn’t want to get up and look at those memories every day either. That would be like hanging pictures in my cabin of Alex and me snuggling at the movies and having to get up every day with them staring me in the face. That would be enough to make me go back to bed and pull the covers over my head for the day. I got it.

So Mom was a hopeless romantic. How about that!

This is a sign of forgiveness, that I can look with compassion on her and say, Poor Mom, I understand. Her world was collapsing and she reacted to it by self-medicating. She just couldn’t stand it. I have empathy for her.

I recently purchased and watched two movies that I enjoyed a lot. The first one was called Valley of the Dolls. This movie focuses on the dark side of the entertainment industry, on the addiction to pills that was prevalent during the late 60s.

The second movie was called Sideways. This movie looks at issues of love, career setbacks, and friendship, along with huge amounts of wine consumption.

As far as Valley of the Dolls goes, when it came out in 1967, Mom was probably on “dolls” (what they call the drugs the actresses take in the movie). That is subconsciously what I believe my attraction is to all of that. Sideways interested me because I lived with alcoholism and I am trying to understand it. There is part of me that’s trying to understand how someone could live like that. Mom probably couldn’t get up without a doll or go to bed without a doll. Plus she was drinking on top of it. I’ll bet that is what happened. Thank you, God. I’m not going through this to lay blame. I’m just trying to figure it out.

Gaining a greater understanding of my parents is a sign of recovery for me. These stories are definite signs of forgiveness.

Another sign of forgiveness is that I can now remember the good things about my father, like how much he loved a good comedy. I can still experience him laughing at The Carol Burnett Show, especially the bits with Tim Conway. Peter Sellers and the Pink Panther movies would also send him over the edge with laughter. He loved James Bond movies and was mesmerized by the film Ben-Hur. Being an actor himself, he would rewind the tape, reviewing every single facial expression, vocal inflection, and expertise in timing, which made him admire the actor he was watching even more. He would especially laugh loudly at his own jokes. Dad had a good sense of humor. There was goodness in him. I remember that.

My father also had moments of shared compassion, reassurance, and empathy. I remember him mailing me a letter that I received upon my return to the University of Miami, in Coral Gables, Florida, after my sister Alice’s Miss Vermont Pageant. He had written me a letter of support. I thought I had flunked my senior jazz guitar improvisation midterm exam with scary Antonio because he had said that a few people had choked on the exam. So naturally I thought Antonio meant me. I was devastated and was crying and was sure life as I knew it was over. (A fine example of “all or nothing” catastrophic thinking.) Dad wrote me a nice letter saying, “The world is not going to end. It will go on. You will be fine. Don’t worry about it.” Things had gotten really weird with Alex on that trip to Vermont too. We had parted on unsettled terms, so I was feeling extra fragile. So that letter from my father helped.

My mother was a fantastic actress and dancer. In her younger years, she was a knockout. She was also known around our hometown, by some, to be a real lady. Everything in her outfit matched — her purse, shoes, everything, even the color she painted her nails. I never experienced this part of Mom, but that is what I’ve been told. I did watch her act in the musical Mame and was blown away. She was excellent. It seemed that she was born for the stage. She too loved a comedy. She was a Frasier addict. Good for her.

I can remember these good things about my folks when I look at the Delft.
So the Delft sits on my door-less kitchen shelves. I bought those fancy plate hangers that make the plates stand up so you can see them clearly. The ships keep my kitchen afloat on the ocean of faith and hope. Every time I look at these dishes, I think of her and I think of him.

I have pictures on my piano of them as young people. They were just starting out. They had their whole lives before them and the whole world by the tail. They were beautiful, beautiful people trying to make it before everything got messy. It was their best moment. Now I hold these pictures of them in my mind. This is how I remember them. This is forgiveness. It is recovery. I am grateful.

What things did I do to get to a place of forgiveness?

• I did 4th Step inventories as per Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 4:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.^[1]

(I discuss inventories earlier in this book. I also cover the spiritual principle of forgiveness in detail later in this book.)

Through the inventories, I told the stories, and I got them out of me. I told how it felt going through these situations.

• I changed the behaviors that didn’t work for me and built in new recovery behaviors.
• I journaled and worshiped and talked to a sponsor.
• I told God and gave it to Him.
• I shared at meetings and listened to others.

Through all these practices, I grew as a person, did my amends, and came to a place of forgiveness. That is recovery.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen, it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

Where to go from here

~ Listen to the Silence by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 1991, all rights reserved

This story outlines two experiences I had in which Spirit spoke to me through various people and sources. I actually gave an account of the first experience in my first book, but I like the story so much that I am telling it here again. The second powerful experience occurred halfway through 2014.

Every once in a while, Spirit (i.e. Holy Spirit, God) sends me a powerful message. I can usually tell when this happens because I will get the same message from two completely unrelated sources. It used to freak me out a little bit but now it just energizes me.

The first time this happened was when a friend of mine first suggested the idea to me that I move from Los Angeles back to my native Vermont. At first I couldn’t imagine the idea. What, me leave my precious Los Angeles? Then we talked about it. What is so precious, the traffic? The two and a half-hour public transportation commute? The people who hassle you after hours on the commuter train? Your ever-rising living expenses? Your stress level at your job? Who couldn’t live without all of that?

I quickly realized that my friend was right. I was on anti-depressants and sleeping meds. I was completely stressed out by my commute and my job, which, in the wonderful world of the Los Angeles Unified School District, was ever in flux. I had just broken up with a guy who had been making me miserable. All I did was complain to her about my job, commute, and basically everything that had to do with the City of Angels.

I was worried though. I was still trying to make a go of it with my music, and I felt that I needed to be in Los Angeles to do this.

“Juliet, there’s this thing now called the Internet. You can live wherever you want. You can have that cabin in the woods like you always wanted.”

I started to smile on the outside and on the inside. Was there any place to play music in Vermont though? What was their music scene like? Is this something God wants for me or am I jumping the gun? Am I giving up on LA too soon? What if I make the wrong decision? Sigh.

So I told my friend that I would pray about it. I did, all the way home from seeing her.

I stopped to get the mail on the way home. In my mailbox, there was a copy of Vermont Life with a cover story titled “Discover Vermont Music.” I got chills down my spine. Okay God, I’m listening. Now here I am today, living in my beautiful Vermont cabin like I always wanted.

Just this past week was the second time I received a message from Spirit through two unrelated sources. I’ve been listening to and studying the audio version of the book, Forgotten God, by Frances Chan. In it, he talks about the Holy Spirit and how we need to bring it back into our lives and religious institutions.

I’ve been praying a lot to the Holy Spirit, asking it to direct everything in my

life — from decisions to conversations, to doing my teaching for me, living my life, helping me stop obsessing, saving my brother-in-law, etc.

Well, ask and ye shall receive. A few weeks ago, I was on the edge of despair over my brother-in-law’s illness (he passed away on May 9, 2014) and my sister’s burdens with it. I was grieving and sad for their situation to the point of codependency. I was feeling horrible for a week at a time. So my friend called me on it. She said I go beyond sadness and grief into codependency by feeling their feelings. She also said that I need to learn to look at the positive side of everything. I can learn to see the positive in every situation if I only ask for God’s help and practice. At least he’s getting treatment, she said. How great for him to be living in the Bay area where the medicine is some of the best in the nation, instead of in the jungles of Africa. She said I needed to learn to apply this positive thinking to every area of my life.

“Okay… so I’ll practice that,” I said to myself. And I’ve been working on it.

This same week, I began listening to my copy of the audiobook, The Me I Want to Be, by John Ortberg. John is a minister and author, and he has put out many other awesome books, including Faith and Doubt.

Mr. Ortberg has a fantastic voice and I recommend getting his books on audio, partly for the sake of just hearing him speak. You’ll discover a very cool voice with a great rhythm of speech. He definitely keeps your interest.

He stated that we have the power to change the way we think. We can approach life from a more positive point of view, if we commit to changing our habit of negative thinking. We have to practice replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. We can do this in all areas of our life and God is there to help. All we have to do is ask. Scripture is there to help too.^[1] For example, consider this:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.

~ Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

God wants to help. God wants us to be the best we can be.

I felt chills run down my spine while listening to Mr. Ortberg’s words on changing our thinking. These were the same chills that I had felt when I found the Vermont Life magazine in my mailbox. I was getting the same message from two different sources. God was talking to me. Okay God. I’m listening.

^[1] Ortberg, John. The Me I Want to Be: Becoming God’s Best Version of You (Audio). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2009.

How grateful I am for recovery,

How grateful I am to God.

How grateful I am for recovery,

It’s bringing me closer to God.

How grateful I am for my affirmations,

Saying them gives my heart ease.

How grateful I am for my slogans,

They make it easier to breathe.

How grateful I am for my gratitude list,
it gets me singing a positive note.

How grateful I am for my journal,

I give to God the things that I wrote.

How grateful I am for my worship,

It’s my daily access to Life.

How grateful I am for exercise,

It rids me of my strife.

How grateful I am for my meetings,

I can be myself there, and I feel safe.

How grateful I am for my sponsor,

She has taught me the meaning of grace.

How grateful I am for my therapist,
God speaks through her every time.

How grateful I am to God,

Giving me everything that’s His, not mine.

How grateful I am for my music,

Without it I would be dead.

And every day that I practice,

I’m always one step ahead.

How grateful I am for my trials,

They are carving out God’s me.

How grateful I am for my sadness,

For it magnifies the joy to be.

I’m grateful for my inner children,

To know them is to know myself.

To ignore them makes me an imposter,

Placed upon someone else’s shelf.

How grateful I am for my program,

My effort produces tranquility.

The harder I work, the closer to God I get,

The author composes humility.
I must confess,

Let me be his work-in-progress.

It is for him that I live and breathe.

~ Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2015, all rights reserved

How grateful I am for my trials,

They are carving out God’s me.

How grateful I am for my sadness,

For it magnifies the joy to be.

~ My Gratitude Poem by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2015, all rights reserved

The biggest gift I have been given in my recovery is the gift of serenity. Even amidst life’s struggles of love, loss, death, lost friendships, painful experiences at work, or other occurrences that life throws at me, I am finding more and more moments of serenity and peace. I can sit next to my crackling fire and admire the sounds and colors. I can arrive home from work, turn off the car, look up towards heaven, and admire His beautiful, amazing creation of all those magnificent stars and galaxies that He created with one hand tied behind His back. I can stand and look up at the night sky for a few minutes, focus only on that, and experience pure joy. I can stop fretting about my tough workday with all of its struggles and notice how the snow sparkles on the ground when I move. I can even dance around with it like a little kid. In additional to my own recovery work, I owe these moments to my sponsor who is repeatedly giving me assignments to stop, do nothing, and notice such things.

Working my program has also taught me to sit still once in a while and appreciate the good stuff. I can find serenity even though life is chaotic. These quiet and joyful moments help me get through difficulties.

Recovery has trained me to pick up my violin and play a Bach Partita to rise up out of despair and into the deep, refreshing spirit of inner peace. I can read an upsetting email from someone, go pick up my guitar, pour myself into my music, and get healed. These moments are what life is all about.

Serenity is being able to realize when something is not my issue. Recovery has taught me to turn off the computer and walk away when I see something that upsets me, or unplug the phone and go do some yoga to get my center back. It is realizing that I need to take care of myself and that is okay. It’s being able to give back to people what is theirs, instead of heading into compliance out of fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. This is the recovery that emerges from attending meetings and working the program daily. The trials are worth the joy and serenity I receive on the other side.

My recovery program has also helped me find serenity in solitude. I am very happy with my own company. This is magnificent progress for someone who grew up being very “other-oriented.” I used to think I had to have a romantic partner in my life to have a sense of worth. This was at its worst in high school and college, but was even present as recently as during my relationship with Brad (an involvement which I discuss in detail in my first book, which occurred after my marriage to Alex).

Now I’m happy just because I’m me and I have the love of my wonderful, merciful, graceful, loving God. That is what working this program has done for me. I can be in solitude and be content. That is recovery. Thank you, God.

The moment I woke up

Was the day the tests came back

With ev’ry word that left his lips

Sweat poured down my back.

Heart pounding, mind racing,

Soul screaming, paralyzing,

Knee buckling,

blood draining disbelief.

(God, this isn’t real!)

With ev’ry breath

I’m filled with fear

Please dear Lord,

don’t leave me alone here

Bring your angels,

I need you near,

To say, “Fear not”

~ Something to Believe In by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

In this entry, written in April 2014, I explore the recent heroin epidemic in Vermont. I relate the search for a solution to my desperate search for a miracle cure for Zeb’s cancer. One of the reasons I was so desperate at this point in time is because the vaccine he had received, which we were all so hopeful would cure him, had failed. He was out of treatment options, his tumor was growing again, and he was going downhill rapidly. He died a month after I wrote this piece.

There is a heroin epidemic that’s plaguing my beautiful home state of Vermont. It has been all over the news. “Junk” is everywhere and just about everyone is doing it, the news reporters say. In fact, rehab centers are turning people away and telling them to keep using until a bed opens up!

Imagine a young girl running down the street. She is asking everyone she sees, “You got a fix? I need a fix.” She repeats this over and over. She owes her dealer so he’s cut her off. She is desperate. She is a junkie. The big H has become her God. She can’t live without it. Getting and using stuff is now her full-time job.

Now imagine this same girl running down the road. Only now she is not looking for a fix. She is looking for a cure for cancer. “You got a cure, you got a cure?” She repeats this over and over to everyone she sees. She is desperate to help her family.

You got a cure?

No cure.

Now she is running down the road looking for a prayer. “Can you pray, will you pray?”

She is seeking to get the God in them to save her brother-in-law and her poor sister who cares for him. If she just gets enough people pray, she can surely fix it. She can save him and her sister too. She can control the world. She can fix it!

Look at this girl. Look at what her codependency is doing to her. It is killing her the way H is killing young people in this beautiful rural state. “Can you save my brother? I think if you can pray one more time, you can save him. Can you pray for a new brain?”

I can’t say I was that person exactly, but I sure wasn’t far off. That pretty much describes my behavior for the past 14 months. Begging every person I knew to pray for him, trying to save him. He is my brother, I love him. Deep down, trying to save my family of origin, my sister, to save her from pain and anguish, especially after what she had just been through with Mom. Trying to fix her. Trying to make it okay. Trying to play God.

Now this is where I am. I am still trying to fix it, save it, fix her, save her, fix him, save him. I am feeling their feelings. I feel their despair. And when I’m not feeling it, I’m telling myself I should be. Most of the time I don’t need to do that. Feeling their despair comes naturally. It’s as natural as flicking on a light switch. I have had years of training in taking on the feelings of others.

Here are my codependency patterns, which were running wild:

• If you hurt. I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• I don’t know what I need. I focus on what you need.
• I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.^[1]

I feel what they feel. I need to detach. It doesn’t have to be about drugs, alcohol or gambling, men or sex. It can just be that you love someone and you want them to be well. You want to fix something that you can’t fix, change something that you can’t change, and that lack of power sends you into despair and affects everything in your life. There’s this big, thick grey cloud hanging over your head. You wake up and think, “There’s that feeling again.”

Pretty soon, it’s not just obsession with my brother who has cancer and I’m taking on his despair, and my sister’s feelings. Now a little boy at one of my schools died and I have to feel what those parents are feeling too. Then I hear about the mudslide in Washington state and what about the people in that area? I have to feel what they’re feeling too. And what about the people in Malaysia who are waiting for news of their loved ones on that missing plane? Where is that flipping plane anyway? And the people at the hospital in North Adams, Massachusetts! The hospital is closed and they’ve all lost their jobs. Now I have to feel their feelings and fix them too? Better put them on the list. And another friend has a lung that is collapsing. This is going to kill me!!

This is enough to drive me to insanity. This is when my life has become unmanageable. This is when I need to come to CoDA. I need to detach with love and start to take care of myself. The only thing I have control over is how I react to what’s happening.

All of this drove me to exhaustion, depression, selfishness, and despair, and it ruined one of my Sunday worships at Quaker Meeting to the point that I was worried I wouldn’t be able to go to my Quaker Meeting anymore. The thought of that sent me even further into my despair spiral, the idea of not being able to see my spiritual family. (I was falling asleep in Quaker Meeting, which is a no-no. A member of the Meeting spoke to me about it and I was mortified. My falling asleep was a result of my exhaustion, mostly due to my insanity over the situation with my family of origin.)

Soon I am thinking, How can I fix this, how can I change it, who can I call? I’m desperate… help me help me help me. No answer, no answer. No one is home.

So what’s the answer? For Juliet, it means I need to work my program. I need to admit my powerlessness over others, cancer, disasters, disease, and death. I need to give it to God. I need to humble myself before him, admit that I am out of control, and that I need help. I need to get to a meeting, write out some step work and read it to my sponsor. I need to let go of what’s not mine and give it back to its owner. There is a God and it is not me. I need to take the focus off of others and put it back on myself. I need to admit my powerlessness over my enmeshment.

Slogan:

I can’t, God can. I think I’ll let Him.

Admitting powerlessness is half the battle. Just admitting to God that I am out of control and powerless over these obsessions, feelings, control and compliance patterns helps it ease up. Suddenly the pressure is off. Someone pressed the pause button and I can breathe in and out. I can figure out my hand position and get my bow straight before they press the play button again. I can let go. I write out my steps. I read them to my sponsor. Suddenly the current is back flowing in the right direction and I’m going with it. Breathe. Just breathe. Give every breath to God. It’s okay. I’m not driving the boat. None of us are. God is driving the boat. God bless the 12 Steps. Breathe, just breathe. Live every day in gratitude. And let go. Just let go.

It was good for me to be afflicted

So that I might learn your decrees.

~ Psalm 119:71 (NIV)

If there’s one thing that Zeb’s illness and death has taught me, it is that I must trust God. There’s no other option.

Thank you God for this learning.

^[1] Ibid.

Service

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use

your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.    

~ Galatians 5:13

Service is a huge part of my program. Being of service to others is how I give back. Giving back helps me to practice the principles of the program, and it is one of the ways I express my gratitude for what the program has done for me. I put others before myself, practice humility, acceptance, surrender, compassion, willingness, and faith. Anyone I have ever spoken to in program agrees that being of service is one of the most rewarding parts of the whole process.

To me, service means that I freely give my time and abilities to do the work of the organizations of which I am a part. These organizations as of now are Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and my Quaker Meeting.

I do a lot of service work for my CoDA program. I started and frequently lead a CoDA Basic Text Meeting on Tuesday nights at a town near me. I also act as GSR (Group Service Representative), literature person, and treasurer for this meeting. The GSR, group service representative, attends the Intergroup meetings (where people from various local meetings come together as a larger governing body) and then reports back to the local meeting on what is happening. I also serve as treasurer for our Intergroup.

In addition, I host an online “Peeling the Onion” CoDA meeting on Wednesday nights. This meeting uses the CoDA booklet Peeling the Onion as its source for topics.^[1] Online CoDA meetings happen in a chat room set up by Online CoDA and operate there. Thus, the leader’s role involves typing a script that includes the format that would normally be read at an in-person meeting (the CoDA Preamble, Welcome, 12 Steps, and 12 Traditions).

I take 12-Step calls too, ideally when it’s convenient for me to do that. However, as I’ve discussed, the phone is a constant source of stress for me. As it works in real life, sometimes I take calls when it’s not ideal for me to do that. Sometimes this leads to resentment, which means it’s not a choice. I’m working on correcting this.

I do service work because I can’t keep it until I give it away. What does that mean? It means that doing service work helps me practice my program. If I don’t use what I’ve learned and keep it in the forefront of my mind, I’ll forget it. It’s like practicing my violin, viola, and cello. If I don’t get them into my hands every day, I forget things. I need to keep them in my hands. It’s the same with my spiritual program. It works if I work it.

Service is the spiritual principle behind Step 12.

12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents and practice these principles in all of our affairs.^[2]

I also think about service as a way of giving back to my community.

The bible tells us in many different places to love one another. Here are a couple of verses:

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

~ 1 John 4:11 (NIV)

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

~ John 13:34 (NIV)

To me, this means I need to love and serve the people in my spiritual communities. I consider my CoDA group part of my spiritual community. I need to love them the way God has loved me.

This also means, however, that I need to love myself the way God loves me. That means taking care of myself. This means giving myself a break. Juliet needs to be of service to herself. This means letting go of control. I did a bad job of that recently. I was trying to pay my land-line phone bill and the online bill pay through my bank was not working properly. This made me really mad. This was the only time I had that week to pay my bills. I didn’t want to have to remember to do this another time. My brain is crammed full of enough stuff already. So, while being angry and annoyed, I found myself rummaging through my garbage for the land-line phone bill envelope they give you so I could pay it the old-fashioned way — through the mail. Then I started to calm down as I registered my land-line, cell phone, and credit card to pay them on their own websites. Thank you God for putting that into my mind to pay them that way. It took more time than usual to pay my bills, but I got the job done. Thank you, God, that I have the money to pay my bills.

Positive Affirmations Regarding Abundance

1. I live in abundance and gratitude in that I have everything I need to sustain myself in this life.
2. I am abundance plentiful. I love abundance plentiful me.

I practiced service last year when I attended the funeral of the husband of a woman who used to attend my Quaker Meeting. I gave back to her. The family was appreciative. That’s giving back to others. That is what is right.

I am of service to my Quaker Meeting as well. I frequently arrive early to set up. I am also their recording clerk, make announcements on behalf of FCNL (the Friends Committee on National Legislation), serve on Ministry and C0uncil, and lead singing twice a month. I do this to give to God and to express my gratitude. Plus, God says we are to use our gifts and abilities in the service of God’s people. It is my duty to serve. I do it.

I used to fuss about doing so much and used to stress about leading singing. For one thing, I’m not an accompanist. Accompanists can transpose at the drop of a hat and sight-read anything, first time through, no problem, no mistakes. That’s not me. And for some reason, I seem to be allergic to capos (a device that raises the pitch of an instrument). Not really, but I have just never stopped and taken the time to really figure out how to use them. So I transpose on the spot from the hymnal. Since hymnals always seem to have songs in some ridiculously high key, I transpose a lot. And our Quaker Meeting uses a songbook to sing from, not a traditional hymnal. The difference is that a hymnal has all of the music notation in it for the song. This songbook (The Group Singing Songbook by P. Blood and A. Patterson) does not have that. Rather, it just has the lyrics and a quick outline of what the chords are. They do have teaching CDs that can be purchased to help a person learn the songs. I have purchased a few of these and have benefited from that. But if one puts all of these factors together, this accompanying business can be really frustrating. I do my best. I’m not perfect. I try. I give back. It is my God-given duty.

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.

~ I Corinthians, 12:7 (NIV)

So I have been given the gift of music to be able to give it back to my spiritual family. I have been given the gift of codependency to reach out to codependents everywhere.

When I’m struggling with my defects of character, being of service to others can help me to get out of my own way, out of the house, and on to other things — instead of obsessing about my problems. As with my over-responsibility and caretaking, getting out into the world and doing my service work gives me a break from worrying about my family of origin. It also helps me practice the principles and gets me back on track.

How does it do that? It helps me to put God first. I go to a meeting, for example, and read the 12 Steps. This reminds me that I am powerless over others. My life has become unmanageable. That right there whips me back into shape. Juliet is trying to control things she can’t control. Leading a meeting is great way to get me back on track. Reading the Steps, Promises, Traditions, and Welcome remind me of where I’ve been, where I’m at, and the direction in which I want to be headed. The direction I want to steer clear of is the codependent crazies.

The good news is that most of the time, after I’ve done service work, I am living in the moment, and focused on God and what he wants me to do. I am back in balance. Stepping away from my service work would send me into a caretaking spiral and all of those old bad habits would raise their ugly green heads. They would chase me around my cabin, trap me in the corner next to the mousetraps, and swallow me whole. Then the phone would start ringing and poor, overtired Juliet would feel like she HAD to answer the phone and caretake whomever is calling — instead of taking care of herself, grabbing dinner, relaxing a little bit, and going to bed and getting sleep.

Being the Intergroup treasurer is a lesson in the spiritual principle of perseverance. I’m not an accountant. Whatever training I’ve had in Excel, I’ve forgotten. I have to persevere, while practicing patience, kindness, compassion, willingness, forgiveness (mostly of myself and my mistakes), and gratitude. I am so grateful for this service work. Board meetings are like another CoDA meeting in some ways. I know I’m with my people and practicing my program. I am so grateful for my Intergroup. I interact with people with a lot of recovery time and it’s so very helpful and comforting in so many ways. I am not alone. I belong. I matter. I never in my whole life felt like I belonged to a group. I was always the loner, the outcast. I didn’t fit. The ugly duckling. Now I fit somewhere. I’m so grateful.

I was also of service to my online CoDA group a while back by holding a Group Conscience about the use of the symbol “!!” As discussed earlier, online meetings are conducted in a chat room. Thus, everything that people express is typed in. Sometimes symbols and abbreviations are used to cut down on typing time. The meaning of the symbol “!!” as it was typed in was meant to be symbolizing hands held in prayer. The person who typed it was responding to something someone “spoke” (wrote) during the meeting. The speaker objected to the use of the symbol. They considered it crosstalk. Crosstalk in CoDA meetings is when someone responds verbally or physically to someone’s share. Crosstalk is not allowed in meetings. Meeting members are supposed to sit quietly and listen without comment. Thus, when the person typed “!!” the speaker felt the person was responding to them. They also thought that the hands held in prayer violated their religious beliefs. Thus the purpose of the Group Conscience was to determine whether or not the use of the symbol would be allowed in the chat room during meetings.

I had to prepare for this. I read a great article in the Group Conscience section of the online CoDA forums on how to do Group Conscience. I thus posted and enforced the following rules:

Notes for Group Conscience

Tradition 1, Tradition 2, Tradition 4

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon CoDA unity.
2. For our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority — a loving Higher Power as expressed to our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. Each group should remain autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or CoDA as a whole.^[3]
4. Wait to be recognized.
5. Each person may speak only once.
6. Each person will be given a time limit.
7. We are making a decision based on what Higher Power thinks is best for the group as a whole, not one person.
8. The decision is based on majority rule.
9. Crosstalk rules still apply. Say what is true for you. Avoid discussing others.

The group conscience went quite well. The group voted unanimously to not allow the use of the symbol “!!” and to consider it crosstalk. So I posted a note in the Group Conscience section of the online CoDA website, stating that for the Peeling the Onion meeting, use of the symbol “!!” would be considered crosstalk.

I was also of service to myself by saying no to hosting another meeting. Here’s how that came up. I had emailed the host of the relationships meeting to ask her about her knowledge of the above symbol (“!!”). She was not familiar with it. She emailed me back and said that she had to resign as host of the relationships meeting due to time constraints. She said she was praying for someone to take over hosting so the meeting didn’t have to close. I emailed her back saying I was full up with hosting the Peeling the Onion meeting and could not take on another meeting right now. Good for me.

I am of service to my sponsor by speaking to her once a week. I help her work her program and she helps me work mine. After we are done speaking, we both feel like we have been to a meeting. It is a gift from God. I learn so much from her experience, strength, and hope. She has a lot of recovery time so she has a lot of wisdom to share. I am grateful.

I am of service to others in CoDA by writing this book. I am reaching out to others and sharing my experience, strength, and hope.

It is very frustrating in program sometimes because people don’t volunteer to help, especially with online meetings. I can’t even get people to greet sometimes. A greeter welcomes people who come into the meeting (chat room) after the meeting has started. It involves clicking on their icon and typing a message in the pop-up window. I don’t know if meeting attenders just want to sit there and have the meeting served to them on a silver platter, if they feel they don’t have time to serve, or if they lack confidence in their ability to serve. I always try to give instructions ahead of time about how to do the service positions. Whatever the reasons are for not serving, it’s too bad because they won’t get the recovery benefits of being of service. I will because it’s going to help me heal from codependency.

I started the Basic Text Meeting I’m in because I needed to study the CoDA basic text. God spoke to me through the basic text, Co-Dependents Anonymous,^[4] one night when I was depressed about Zeb’s cancer. I was in such despair I didn’t know what to do. So I woke up the next morning, grabbed my basic text, and got on the treadmill. I saw myself on every page. It showed me that I was taking my caretaking and over-responsibility too far. Then I knew I needed to study this book again. So I started the meeting. I am giving to others and they are giving back. God speaks through all of us. Thank you, God.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work.
• Make everything you do in your life spiritual.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Before you go into a room, hold it in the Light of God.
• Use your inner wisdom.
• Relax and watch.
• You have a choice.
• You are only responsible for yourself.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Change your “how high” habit. When someone says “jump,” I have a habit of saying “how high?” I don’t have to do what everyone else wants me to do anymore.
• Set boundaries for yourself.

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my service:

• I do the best I can in everything I do, and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.
• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.
• Let God’s will be done through me.
• Let life be willed through me.
• I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

~ Ephesians 4:1 (NIV)

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Service:

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation, I search my soul for what is there before God. He helps me see it clearly.
• Music: I listen to and/or play Handel’s Messiah and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas when I feel despair coming on.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get ready to do the service work that is in front of me.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my soul searching into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Program literature: I read the Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12) and other literature. God speaks to me in this way too.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to discern God’s will for me and helps to give me the strength to do His will. I memorize scripture when I need support.
• Attend meetings: Through sharing and listening at meetings, I hear God speak to me. This helps me to become ready to do service.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Step work: Doing step work helps me to relax, come back to center, and realize what is right and true for me. It works every time.
• Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.
• Take a break: I am of service to myself when I become aware of how tired I am and that it is time to stop working. I am still learning how to do this.
• Let it go: I am of service to myself every time I give my life to God. I let go, trust Him, and move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment and I always feel better.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Peeling the Onion. Dallas, TX: CoRe Publications, 2007.

^[2] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[3] Ibid., p. v.

^[4] Ibid.

Making Contact (Spirituality)

 Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen, it just might tell us

What’s going on.

 ~ Listen to the Silence, from Beloved,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright, 1991, all rights reserved

Many times on my way to or from work, I see a beautiful sky, dressed in dark, medium blue with black clouds and stars sprinkled through it. This is me making contact with God. I look at this breathtaking firmament and know God is going to take care of me. God is sovereign, in control, the man at the helm. He has a plan for Juliet. All I have to do is listen, trust, obey, and let go.

A 12-Step Call

I’ve been struggling with my food addiction for the past month. Actually I’ve been dealing with it since I got out of diapers, but I have had a special concern about it lately. So I opened The 12 Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous and found I was on Step 11. Making contact with God is the spiritual principle for Step 11. This is God’s will. I wrote and wrote and wrote as I poured out my heart to God in the form of answers to the questions posed in the workbook. It really helped.

Today I opened my computer files to see what spiritual principle was up next for editing, as I work on the completion of this book. Making contact was next on the list. Wow! My heart stopped. This is what they call a 12-Step Call. No doubt about it, God is speaking to me, wanting me to work Step 11. That is making a spiritual connection. This seeming happenstance is in fact God knocking on my door, reminding me to keep my focus on Him and His plan.

Relationships take time, energy, and attention. If I want a good relationship with someone, I must make a commitment to spend quality time with them. In the human perspective, this means time spent just with that person, eye to eye, ear to ear, focusing only on them. It means listening, speaking, sharing, being. It does not mean being in the same room, bed, car, or office with someone and ignoring them. That is not quality time. I’ve been there and I consider it emotional abuse. Now if both parties acknowledge each other and agree on silence, that is one thing. But if two people are in the same space and not communicating and one person is not getting their needs met, that is not making contact.

I think the same ideas apply to my relationship with God. If I want to have a good relationship with God, I must make time to be with Him every day. For me, this means sitting down with him first thing in the morning, and pouring out my heart and soul on paper in my journal. It also means me pouring out my heart and soul to Him in prayer. Then it means me closing my mouth, opening my heart and mind, and listening to Him. It means focusing on Him and what He wants for my life. It means that I keep bringing myself back to Him and to this time with Him, every moment that my mind wanders. It does not mean me doing fly-by-night prayers while I’m vacuuming, cleaning the sink, answering emails (how would that even be possible?) or, heaven forbid, watching TV. Quality time. God and I need quality time together. After all, we’re talking about God here.

And that, to me, is my definition of making contact, or spirituality. It has to do with my relationship with God. It means I take time daily to sit down and talk to God, just him and me.

As noted earlier, making contact, or spirituality, is the spiritual principle behind Step 11.

Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.[1]

When I need God, I just talk to Him. I just sit down in my chair at my altar and tell Him what’s on my mind. I tell Him what’s up with me. Then I wait. I wait on the Lord. I listen. I listen and wait some more. Then I open his Word and read what He has to say to me. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I just have to do it. I also talk to Him about stuff throughout my day whether I’m commuting, teaching, practicing, communicating with someone, writing, gardening, mowing the lawn, loading the car, washing the dishes, walking in the woods, taking a shower, waiting for a concert to start at Tanglewood, or lying in my bed waiting to fall asleep.

I include the 11^th Step in my prayers (I call it My 11^th Step Prayer), several times a day. I say:

I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact God as I understand God, asking only for His will for me and the power to carry that out.

I also pray this prayer:

Dear God, let my thoughts be your thoughts, my words be your words, and

my actions be your actions.

I pray this prayer every day when I get to school, before I get out of the car. After teaching all day, I still have a tendency to beat myself up for any mistakes I made. I am working on changing that a little bit at a time.

This prayer reminds me of this portion of Psalm 19:

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.”

~ Psalm 19:14

Making conscious contact with God makes my life better in every way. It opens the pathways, clears the throat, gets the blood moving. It makes a way open to see what God wants and clears the road to doing his will.

In terms of my over-responsibility and caretaking, I can sit, get in touch with God, and see what he wants me to do in a certain situation. He can also tell me if what I’m already doing is right or wrong.

Good decisions and results evolve from consistent contact with a Higher Power. For example, a couple of years back, one of my second-year viola students quit halfway through the year. She said it was because she had soccer practice after school and didn’t have time to practice the instrument. I, of course, blamed myself for her departure. Her mother had been dropping her off way too early for orchestra and I could not make that work with my schedule. So I had worked it out with the principal and the parent to have the student wait in the principal’s office until I arrived at school. This seemed to work out fine. I blamed myself anyway, for not being able to get to school early enough to coincide with her mother’s schedule.

I made conscious contact with God and gave the problem to Him. I asked that His will be done with Tina and orchestra class. Then I called the mom and expressed disappointment on her answering about Tina quitting, but wished them the best.

The mother actually called me back the next day and said that Tina had not wanted to play viola at all at the beginning of the year. She had asked her daughter to continue because she was good at it. The mom also said that she and Tina had agreed that she would finish out the year. She told me it wasn’t my fault. To Tina, soccer was more of a priority. I had made contact with God, gave it to Him, and His will was done. Making contact works. As a result, this change was made smoothly.

Asking for God’s will and the power to carry it out also makes my days run smoother. My early morning worship and prayer time allows me to start my day with God, which puts my focus for the day on Him. This makes me more inclined to ask Him to help me with things during the day, that His will be done. This really helps. I tend to be more relaxed, listen better, wait to respond, be less defensive and more open to the viewpoints of others. It also better enables me to admit I’m wrong, a defect of character I have been working on getting rid of for a long time now.

Another example of the positive effect making contact has had on my life occurred very recently. It is related to my brother-in-law passing away from cancer at the young age of 56. As I’ve mentioned, I have been very concerned for my sister’s well-being during this whole time. My over-responsibility and caretaking have gone through the roof at times. I’ve really struggled. This defect has been severe sometimes since Zeb’s death.

Throughout the 14 months that passed between his diagnosis and death, I have been transformed by God. I spent much of these months begging and pleading for a miracle. I was asking anyone and everyone to pray for his healing. Gradually, it became apparent that he was not going to recover. I began doing Step 11, making contact and asking that only His will be done. Zeb is now in heaven with God. I worry so much about my dear sister and the pain she is enduring in dealing with his death. But I’m learning to give that to God too. May His will be done in her life. I make contact, ask for help, and let go. It works. This is about God’s will and His will alone, not Juliet’s.

I still struggle some days, but lately the time of turmoil is shorter. For example, today my sister called me and said that she is having another memorial for him, maybe next April or May. I thought the memorial I did was enough. My therapist said we are only expected to do one. I don’t know if I could take another one. Plus, I’ll be teaching. So here is a perfect instance in which Juliet is trying to figure this out for herself.

What’s the better option? Give it to God. Ask Him what he wants me to do. Then sit, make contact, and listen for what He tells me to do with the situation. And He will tell me. Maybe not in that instant, but He’ll tell me in some way or another. I don’t have to sit here and fret and stew about how I don’t want to go through that again. I can give it to God.

My sister and I spent last Christmas together. During the planning process, very high priced hotels were suggested. I actually had the courage to say they were too expensive for me. This is a step forward. This is Juliet taking care of herself. This is the result of program. Making contact with God definitely helps me with my defect of over-responsibility. Just sit down and talk to God about it. Or go for a walk and talk to him. Or get on my knees in the middle of my office and beg. I just did that, actually. I feel better. I should go put a note in my God Box too. Good idea.

Indecisiveness creeps in here when I’m waiting to hear from God on what he wants me to do. The good news is that I don’t have to make a decision right away. If I’m asked to make a decision right away, I can say I’m not ready to do that.

My daily early morning contact with God has many parts to it. I journal, read my daily calendar bible verse, look it up in both of my bibles and underline it, and pray and do silent worship for 25 minutes. I also write some of the bible verses on index cards and work on memorizing them a little bit at a time. This happens every morning except Sunday when I go to a Quaker Meeting. I cherish the Quaker Meetings and I know God speaks to me through those people.

As noted, I try to make and/or keep contact with God all during the day. At certain points, I’ll need His support more. For instance, I might not know what to say to a student. So I may say, “God, please help me.” I’ll whisper it. Under certain circumstances, I don’t care if people hear me converse with God.

Sometimes I have so much to do here at the house with surviving, getting wood in, laundry, groceries, bills, etc., plus practicing music and the Hidden Angel business that I don’t know what to do first. So I ask God to decide for me. This works really well. God points me in a direction, I follow and do what’s in front of me and it gets done. Making Contact is vital for me and it works.

I make contact with God in all matters, especially in CoDA business situations. A Co-Dependents Anonymous group conscience is a good example of when I would ask God to watch over what’s happening in the business meeting. A group conscience is when the members of a CoDA meeting get together to discern a Higher Power’s (God’s) will for the group in a matter that affects how we run our group. This is spirituality in action.

Several years ago, I came to a crossroads in another arena of my life — my teaching career. I had a teaching position that was at risk of going part-time and the pay was low. The principal called me and said she would hire me as a para-professional (teachers assistant) for the remainder of my time, so I could relax. I would have a job. I went upstairs to my altar and gave thanks to God. I would be okay.

Then I found out about another teaching position; the job was local and had more days of just teaching music. I interviewed, liked the principal, and took the job. I worked out the schedule between the two principals so that both schools could be serviced. I thanked God. I felt God was telling me to do these two jobs.

Then a few days before school started, I got a call back about a position I had applied for in another district. I was working summer school at the time. I prayed about what to do. I asked God. I was going from the original message I felt He had given me when he told me to stay at my original school. I kept praying about this new job offer and development. I didn’t get any new messages and was getting really frustrated. Finally, I thought I got a message that said, “Go for it. Take care of yourself.” I wasn’t clear where this message was coming from. Was it coming from me and what I wanted or from God? I really began to feel like I was driving myself crazy, like a dog chasing her tail in circles. I kept praying and meditating for a long time that morning about it.

Later that morning, I went to work. I figured I might get a phone call from this new school district. I continued my prayers to God. I said, “God, please, if you want me to have this job, put the words in my mouth.” I asked questions about the job too. I received the responses I wanted for the questions I asked and, when they offered it to me, I took the job. I have that job to this day and am accepting this as God’s will for my life and me carrying that out.

My therapist told me once that, basically, if we don’t know what to do, we give it all to God and then do what’s in front of us. Then we accept what we have done as God’s will for us for that day. This keeps the dog from chasing her tail. I like this practice and I use it. That way, I am still making contact with God and doing my best to carry out His wishes.

I must keep contact with God at all times. I need to let God live through me and live my life for me. I have to ask Him what He wants, pray for the willingness and strength to do what He wants, and do it. This means doing what God wants, not what I want. What he wants makes everything better in the end. It is the only way that works.

Juliet’s Daily Contact Prayers:

Dear God, let my thoughts be your thoughts, my words be your words, and

my actions be your actions.

Dear God, let there be more of you and less of me.

Listen, trust and obey.

Is what I’m praying for in line with the will of God?

Whatever you want, God.

It’s not about what I want, it’s about what you want, God.

How do I know it is God’s voice I’m hearing and not my own desires or Satan’s? I remember talking to a program friend about this. Sometimes it can get confusing in regards to whose voice I’m hearing. But if I listen closely to what is being said and what purpose it serves, than clarity comes in. Satan usually wants to drive me farther from God so he will put doubt in my mind and heart. He will also point my mind and will towards things and activities that will make me more comfortable and feed my ego. Being human, I want both of those things, so it would be easy to listen. God usually points me in the direction of what is right, just, based on truth, in line with helping others, in line with helping me achieve the highest version of myself. If the message fits that, I know that it is God.

I made contact with God about my barn, asking that His will be done. I worried that rebuilding it violated the Quaker testimony of simplicity, because it was not something I needed to survive, or so I thought. Well, apparently I was wrong and it was God’s will that it be rebuilt because the process went quite smoothly and now it’s done! Now my barn is an art studio that doubles as a guest room for visitors like my sister. The bottom part is a shed for storage. God is great.

How do I know when I have followed God’s will and not my own? Well, usually it feels right and runs smoothly when I follow God’s will. When I follow my own desires — especially if they are physical, selfish, or self-serving (it’s all about me, making myself look good) — it usually feels awful in the process and turns out badly.

For example, I do think He wants me to do this book and my audiobook. He seems to want me to teach orchestra lessons publicly and privately. He seems to want me to go to Quaker Meeting.

What do I do when I don’t want to do what the voice says? How do I get my own will out of the way? I pray for the willingness to be willing to do His will. I ask God to help me get my own will out of the way. Then I act as if, and do what is in front of me to do. I say The Serenity Prayer and get moving. I usually want my own way. I’m human. But my own way usually gets me in trouble. Remembering this helps me do His will because I know He knows what’s best for me.

God loves Julie. God will help her listen and obey better. I do okay. I need to give up control. I need to listen and obey when he says enough is enough. I need to stop when He says it’s time to stop.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Before you go into a room, hold it in the Light of God.
• Use your inner wisdom
• Do your best, do your Make a Plan Process (covered in the first book), let go and let God.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

I have positive affirmations that help me with making contact:

• Today I am Gods brand new creation.
• Everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.
• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.
• Let God’s will be done through me.
• Let life be willed through me.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of making contact:

• Submission: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer, The Serenity Prayer and My 11^th Step Prayer.
• Journaling: I get everything I’m feeling and thinking out of me and on paper.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to discern God’s will for me and helps to give me the strength to do His will.
• Worship: I pray to God. I get it out of me and into His healing arms. I tell him I’m sorry, what I want, what I don’t want, what I’m grateful for, and ask for help for others. I listen to God through meditation while repeating “Yeshua” or “Here I am, Lord.” These words help me focus.
• Exercise: working out really brings me closer to God. I have had a few spiritual awakenings on the treadmill.
• Quaker Meeting: God speaks to me at Quaker Meeting. Sometimes He speaks to me directly at Meeting or through the messages spoken by others at our weekly worship. (I cover the Quaker silent method of worship in the Recovery in Religious Organizations Chapter of this book).
• Constant God Connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day, listen for His guidance and try to do His will as I think He has told me. Sometimes he speaks to me through other people at my CoDA meetings, through a radio sermon, in a book, or through people I see during my day.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “No my will but thine be done,” “let go and let God,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” and “You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Evening Prayers: At night before I go to sleep, I get on my knees and pray that He’ll watch over me.
• Evening Surrender: As I’m falling asleep, I repeat, “I surrender Lord, I surrender.”
• Rest: I get more sleep so I can hear what God is saying to me.

I give God my life.

I have a very happy life, and I have gratitude and happiness more than ever before. This is thanks to the daily contact I have with God and my efforts to do His will and His will alone. He has given me a gift in my ability to contact Him any time, anywhere. Thank you, God. God speaks to me and I am grateful.

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

Perseverance

But in front of me.
Is a man who’s done his time.

He’s learned his lessons fine for now.

He’ll be taken back.

To try and try again.

Our lessons they send us back.
But can I see?

Can I see?

Can I see?

~ In Front of Me, from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet, A. Wright, copyright 2008, all rights reserved

I must work diligently if I am going to continue to recover from codependency. As the saying goes, “It works if you work it.” I have found this to be very true for me.

Perseverance is the spiritual principle behind Step 10.

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.[1]

To me, perseverance means that I keep trying and don’t quit — no matter what. I put one foot in front of the other foot. I keep watch over my behavior patterns and work to change them for the better. I know that these new behavior patterns will lead me closer to God.
Some behaviors and thought processes take much time and effort to change. My over-responsibility and caretaking defects are good examples of this. I have been actively practicing these behaviors for many, many years now. So getting rid of them and building in new ones will take time. It is taking me a long time to learn to take care of myself, let others be responsible for their feelings, and to speak honestly about how I feel and what I need. Sometimes I succeed, many times I fail. I do experience small increments of growth if I work hard. I am taking baby steps.

So I keep trying. I keep going. I lie in bed every night and ask God, “Did I do what you wanted me to do today?” Sometimes I get an answer, sometimes I don’t. If I don’t get an answer, then I accept that what I did was God’s will for me, and that I did my best. If I made mistakes, I admit them and try to do better the next day, not repeating the same mistakes.

Part of the process of building in these new behavior patterns involves doing my step work. I try to do my step work every single week: write something, read it, and then send it to my sponsor.

Every morning, I get on my knees, say The Lord’s Prayer, and give my life to God.

I ask God to do my teaching for me, my step work for me, my writing for me, my work for me. Then I get up and go do my best.
When I take a personal inventory, sometimes I realize I am wrong and I admit it. Like yesterday, I was teaching students from one of my elementary schools and I started working with the violinists on baby mi (E) string.(I teach my students to name the strings, grandpa, papa, mama and baby. This helps them remember which string is which.) One student said, “I don’t remember doing this string,” and his book was blank. So was another student’s. Soon, I had to admit I was wrong. I looked at my notes, and on the last lesson, we had only prepared for the concert. That was it. So I admitted I was wrong and started teaching it to them. Now I know the first student has had baby mi (E) string before, last year. But he lost his book, and struggles with practicing, so he probably doesn’t think he has had it before. My point is that I had to admit I was wrong.

I need to add humility to this equation. To me, correctly admitting I’m wrong means “humbly” admitting I’m wrong. This means knocking off the resentful attitude that finds something to criticize in another person to make myself feel better. I am that small sometimes and am embarrassed to say so. It has just been so engrained in my mind that I have to be perfect that sometimes I still try like heck to make it someone else’s fault. That’s just being really honest. If it is someone else’s fault, it’s not my fault. Then I’m okay. I’m still perfect.

But wait a minute! I’m not perfect! I am a flawed human being. There is only one perfect being in existence and that is God. It’s okay for me to makes mistakes.

While I’m diligent in my efforts to do the best job I can, I admit I’m wrong. I made other mistakes at that school that same week. I thought I had only one lesson with those students that month, so I told them I wouldn’t see them for a couple of weeks. Then I looked again at the calendar, talked to the secretary, and there was a lesson the next week. So I had to call their parents and say, “Sorry, I was wrong; there is violin lesson next week.” I was wrong and I survived. It’s true!

I also have to admit when I’m right. Like in reviewing my perseverance, I see that I’ve been working very hard at not raging anymore. I did pretty well this week. I didn’t have any rage attacks.
My over-responsibility and caretaking recovery is in the process of taking two steps forward and one step back. I have been overly worried about my sister to the point of obsession the last few days. I was taking my morning walk in the woods when this type of thing occurred. Every time the obsession would start, I would have to catch it and bring myself back into the moment. And it was a beautiful moment. The forest near my house is one of the most beautiful places in the world as far as I’m concerned. Anyone who would walk there and still say there is no God would have to be declared insane, in my opinion. So I kept redirecting my attention. It does not serve me to obsess.

Last night, I did some caretaking of a friend who called on the phone. (That blasted telephone again.) I spent all of my vacuuming time talking to her on the phone. I compromised and swept with a broom while talking to her instead. I tried to do what I could to make it okay with myself but deep down I really wanted to vacuum the house. So next time I should let the person leave a message and then I’ll call them back.

The other night, I learned that a colleague’s husband died at a relatively young age. I started internalizing it, feeling her feelings, I was very, very sad. Then I caught myself. I can’t fix it. I can’t bring him back. I don’t have to feel her feelings. I can have compassion and empathy. I sent a card. I signed their online funeral list. That’s enough. I caught myself getting enmeshed with these people, and I did some step work to correct it.

Today I learned that a Quaker friend of mine knows someone whose kids were killed by their nanny. How awful. Not fair. I can’t internalize that either. I am only responsible for myself. Baby steps.

There’s always another chance to try again. I just have to be tenacious. I only fail if I stop trying. I can’t do that. I have to keep working on my recovery; otherwise, these defects will eat me alive.

I persevere with trying to learn the violin. I bought an awesome machine that plays Music Minus One CDs but slows them down. Very cool! Very fun. Using this machine helps my practice time to go very quickly and is very fulfilling.
I admit that my rage doesn’t serve me. So my therapist asked me what I could do to get out of rage, go into the Observer and, distract the inner spoiled six-year-old child inside of me that has tantrums when I don’t get what I want and start raging. I said, “Music might work.” Lincoln Park, The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded soundtracks, Tom Petty, and Porcupine Tree all fit the bill as music that will get my rage safely out of my body. So now they’re in my car, along with my Angry Bird mascots that sit on my dashboard.

I persevere in trying to do Weight Watchers and do my diet. When I go over my points, I admit it and try again.

I persevere in trying to not feel responsible for everyone.

I persevere in trying to keep Hidden Angel Company going, while teaching full-time. It’s very busy.
I am determined to do a good job teaching. It’s going pretty well. I told my therapist that it seems like God must want me to do that. She said, “When you do what God wants you to do, he rewards you.”

I persisted in getting my first book done and published and now I have 16 good reviews. My sponsor says that this is God’s way of saying “good for you” 16 times.

I am determined to recover from my defects. I will practice new behaviors every day. I will do this by:

1. Letting others take care of themselves.
2. Stopping work when I’m too tired to continue.
3. Getting more sleep.
4. Being kind to others.
5. Breathing in and out.
6. Bringing myself back to this moment when obsessing.
7. Practicing gratitude, instead of negativity.
8. Leaving myself enough time to do things so that I can be more patient.

I will not give up.

I persevere in trying to get closer to God, to surrender to him, to give up control, which I think I secretly idolize. I preserve in trying to listen to Him and hear Him. I need more sleep to do this.

Just like my car won’t run right if I don’t check the oil, get the tires changed and balanced, and keep the windshield washing fluid dispenser full, I won’t get better from codependency if I don’t do my 10^th Step every day and keep trying to get closer to God, healthier, and rid of my defects.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Use your inner wisdom
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Change your self-judgment habit.
• Do your best, do your Make a Plan Process (covered in the first book), let go and let God.
• I am doing the best I can in this moment to nurture my career and myself.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

I have positive affirmations that help me with my perseverance:

• It’s okay that you’re not perfect.
• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay for my child and me to be who we are, ourselves. We are loveable.
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I am a good person.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• Today I am Gods brand new creation.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

The steps I take to practice perseverance:

• More Journaling: I journal as much as necessary to get my feelings out of me and on paper.
• Worship: I talk to God through prayer to get the strength I need to get through my day. Then I listen through meditation to what God has to say by sitting in silent worship and waiting upon him. This helps me to get up and keep trying again for another day. At night before I go to sleep, I ask God, “Did I do what you dswanted me to do today?” I listen. Accept. Sleep.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me get the perseverance to keep going and try again.
• Constant God Connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers and listening for His direction throughout my day. Sometimes he speaks to me through other people at Quaker meeting, at my CoDA group, through a radio sermon, in a book, during a bible study, or through people I see during my day.
• Program Literature: I read the Codependents Anonymous Basic Text, the Codependents Anonymous Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Workbook (often called the 12 and 12) and other literature. Reading this literature helps me to better understand the purpose behind Step 10 the benefits of perseverance.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is charge of my life, he must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do. His word has a lot to say about perseverance.
• Willingness: I pray for the willingness to get up and try again, one day at a time.
• Read the Daily List: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask him to remove them if and when he is ready. I become recommitted to overcoming these defects.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Don’t quit before the miracle happens,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let him,” “Willingness is key,” “When all else fails, follow directions,” “Progress not perfection” and “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Let it go: once I give it to God, I let go and trust Him. Move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment.

I have a very happy life and I have gratitude and happiness more than ever before thanks to the work I do with my sponsor and this program. I have been given a gift. Thank you, God!

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

Forgiveness

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

~ Ephesians 4:32

But with you there is forgiveness,

So that we can, with reverence, serve you.

~ Psalm 130:4

Forgiveness has really been on my mind lately. It has been on my mind in relation to myself. It is a vital, fundamental spiritual principle. Without it, I cannot lead a healthy spirit-filled life. I must be able to forgive others and myself. Otherwise, my grudges will turn me into a dark, gnarled mess. Forgiveness comes directly out of my step work.

To me forgiveness means that I am releasing the anger, resentment and blame that I feel towards someone or myself for a wrong that has been done against me. I let it all go and move forward.

The principle of forgiveness is related to Step 9.

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]

The Lord’s Prayer asks the Lord to forgive us the way we forgive others.

     And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.

~ Matthew 6:12

Saying I’m sorry is one of the easiest, yet hardest things for me to do. It’s easy in that I have the defect of over-responsibility and think everything is my fault, so of course I have to say I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong, which is everything. I say I’m sorry a lot. I always have. What makes saying I’m sorry difficult is the fear of abandonment and fear of rejection that come with saying I’m sorry and making amends with someone.
Since I’ve been in program, I have learned that part of making amends is changing one’s behavior. Part of that change, for me, is coming face to face with what I’ve done and the person I’ve done it to, say I’m sorry and make an effort to change.

Based on what the Lord’s Prayer says, if I don’t forgive others, that God shouldn’t forgive me. Not good. I want forgiveness. So I have to give forgiveness if I want to receive it in return.
How do I know if I’ve forgiven someone? Well, if I’m still crabbing about something someone has done to me, that probably means I’m still ticked off about it. That means I’m probably harboring resentments about whatever it is I think they did to me. In my mind, it means I haven’t truly forgiven them.
So this means that if God forgives me the way I’ve forgiven that parent Jenny for hurting my feelings at a concert recently, then he hasn’t forgiven me. I obviously haven’t forgiven the parent because I’m still complaining about their behavior and thinking negative thoughts about it. I’m harboring a grudge.

I have done extensive step work in regards to my mother and father. I have looked at these relationships through the lenses of relationship inventories, defects of character inventories, and codependency patterns. This step work has helped me to heal these relationships, even though they have both passed on. Completing my Step 9 and making amends with my parents further helped me heal these relationships. Although my father made his transition in 2003, I feel I was able to make amends and heal this relationship through step work, prayer, meditation, journaling, and therapy after he died. I did a Step 9 with my mother before she passed away and much healing was accomplished as a result.

This step work has enabled me to forgive my parents for all of the unhealthy behaviors and lack of nurturing in my life. My hard work has enabled me to let go of the anger and resentment that I once felt toward them. They did the best they could. Their lives were turned upside down by many incidents, including disbarment, addiction, miscarriages, and infidelity. As a child, I was caught up in that and wasn’t in the position to stick up for myself or correct anything.
Resentment is a dangerous feeling that weights one down with darkness that can be life-long and harmful. I carried the bag of bricks of resentment for a long time. Thank heavens, I got into recovery and learned I could put that bag of bricks down. My childhood was filled with fear, doubt, pain, self-blame, shame, loneliness, and a terrible lack of a strong spiritual foundation. I was taught to look without f0r all of my approval, self-worth, love, and acceptance. Since I didn’t get that at home, I looked to my peers at school, boys, food, academic success, physical beauty, and success in extracurricular activities – such as music and horse showing. Nothing filled that empty space inside.

My mother tried to fill the empty space inside with alcohol. Dad filled it with power, control, and other women. I chose food. It didn’t work for any of us.

I grant pardon to my mother for drinking and not being a good Mom sometimes. She was hurting and did the best she could.
I grant pardon to my father for yelling at me about how fat I was in that restaurant (covered in the first book). He was in pain too and was taking it out on me. He was shattered by the loss of his career.

I forgive Brad (a man I dated who I discuss in the first book) for being controlling, manipulative, and self-serving. I know everything that happened between us happened for a reason and for our highest good. My relationship with him was one of the primary relationships in my life that brought me to CoDA and for that I am grateful.

I forgive Alex (my ex-husband; covered in first book) for having a change of heart and wanting out of our marriage. Our relationship has gone through a lot of healing and amends since I wrote my last book. I am very, very grateful to God for this. My friendship with Alex has grown a lot since we made amends and I very happy about that.

I absolve Betty (a friend) for not emailing me back six years ago when I sent her that beautiful email in which I poured out my heart to her. I accept that she was at a place where she felt her boundaries needed to be established a little farther out than I would have liked.

Forgiveness requires letting go. It requires that I let go of what I want. It requires that I accept where the person is at and stop trying to change that. It also obliges me to take care of myself.

When I need to forgive someone for something, the background is that I probably have not gotten something from him or her that I felt I wanted or deserved. It could also mean that I feel that I got treated poorly when I didn’t deserve that.

Sometimes this treatment is not on purpose. Often the person does not even realize they are doing it. And besides that, it’s not being done to me. Much of the time, the person is just reaching out or expressing themselves, trying to rid themselves of stress, extreme sadness, panic, or despair. When this happens to me, nine times out of ten, the timing doesn’t work for me. So then I get mad at them like they are doing something bad to me. Then I try to forgive them. But they didn’t do anything. For instance, I’m the one who answered the phone late at night and let the person’s sadness get all over me.

What happens is that I take on the other person’s feelings. I feel what they feel and want to fix them. This is my over-responsibility and caretaking. This is how I harm myself. In cases like this, I need to disengage, detach, give the person back their problems, and go take care of myself. This happened a lot with my sister during my brother-in-law’s illness. This behavior pattern caused me a lot of distress. I do this kind of thing to myself; I am aware of this. I need to forgive myself for being a caretaker, and start detaching and taking care of myself.

Sometimes, as was the case with Brad, I was manipulated, which caused a lot of confusion, suffering, self-blame, and shame. The manipulation in that relationship also led me to engage in behaviors that I felt shame about, that I was not comfortable with. Why did I do this? I’m a people pleaser. I get my self-worth from what others think of me.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:

I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.

Of all the people I need to forgive, the one I need to forgive the most is myself. I am very hard on myself. I have a difficult time releasing the anger, resentment and blame that I feel towards myself for something I have done wrong. I turn all of that blame, anger and resentment inward. It does not feel good and it doesn’t serve me. If I can’t forgive myself, how I can I forgive others? I can’t. It has to start with me. I need to change this behavior and learn to forgive myself. I need to do a Step 9 on myself.

For example, I really have to work on cancelling the debts I feel I owe myself for not getting enough done each day. I have traditionally beat myself up mercilessly for not accomplishing huge amounts of work on my book, not practicing my music, not writing blogs and not doing book promotion. Thank goodness (because of the work I do with my step work and in program), I am starting to realize that there are only so many hours in a day. I can get only so much done in a 24-hour period. And you know what? There’s always tomorrow. Even if I think the world is going to end if I don’t accomplish everything on my three page “to do” list, it’s not true. Life will go on. It will be okay.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• Remember your bubble. My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen, I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• It’s not my fault.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

I have positive affirmations that help me with my forgiveness:

• Today I forgive myself and others.
• I forgive myself for not being perfect.
• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay for my child and me to be who we are, ourselves. We are loveable.
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I am a good person.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• It’s okay that you’re not perfect.
• Today I am Gods brand new creation.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

The steps I take to practice forgiveness:

• More Journaling: I journal as much as necessary to rid myself of resentment, anger, blame and guilt.
• Worship: I talk to God about my resentment, anger, blame and guilt through prayer. I ask God to fill the empty space inside me and to give me what I thought I needed from the other person. Then I listen through meditation to what God has to say by sitting in silent worship and waiting upon him. This helps me move to a place of forgiveness.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the anger, blame and resentment inside, which brings me closer to the forgiveness of myself and others.
• Constant God Connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers and listening for His direction throughout my day. Sometimes he speaks to me through other people at Quaker meeting, at my CoDA group, through a radio sermon, in a book, during a bible study, or through people I see during my day.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is charge of my life, he must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do. His word has a lot to say about forgiveness and I find it very helpful.
• Willingness: I pray for the willingness to forgive the person and myself.
• Read the Daily List: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask him to remove them if and when he is ready. I forgive myself for having these defects.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Let it Go: I realize that things happen. I don’t have control over what goes on. I’m doing the best I can.

When I practice the spiritual principle of forgiveness I feel the blessed ease of spirit that comes from forgiving myself and others. I thank God for helping me to be able to forgive myself, which opens the door to forgiving others.

The way that you deal with forgiveness and any of the principles is by dealing with your feelings. Get them out of you. Look at your feelings and accept them. Come to a place where you are all right.

Thank you, God for this learning.

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

Willingness

Your hands made me and formed me;

Give me understanding to learn your commands.

~ Psalm 119: 73 (NIV)

Willingness is a spiritual principle that is vital to my recovery from codependency. Willingness is directly connected to the success or failure of my spiritual life. I must be willing to change, grow, accept, surrender control, work hard, and admit when I’m wrong.
Willingness to me means that I have made a positive choice inside of me to try to do what I’m supposed to do.

Willingness is the spiritual principle behind Step 8:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.^[1]

In Step 8, I’m getting ready to say I’m sorry for what I’ve done and I’m making a list of those I have to say it to in my life. This can be a really scary thing for me. I have fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. Plus making amends with someone could potentially lead to conflict. They could still be ticked off about whatever it is that I did, or said, or didn’t do or say. I am a conflict-avoidant codependent. This could keep me from making the list at all, throwing it away, or burning it in my wood stove and saying, “Forget it.” I must first make a positive choice inside myself to bravely make a list of the people that my codependent behaviors have affected. Then I need to choose to make amends to them all because that is the right thing to do. That is willingness. That is Step 8.

I think that part of this process involves turning the outcome of the amends over to God and letting go of expectations. Expectations often lead to disappointment. I can see myself as I make the list, playing out all the amends with these various folks in my head. My codependent “all or nothing” catastrophic thinking often leads me down the path of doom. They are going to yell at me, get mad at me, tell me I’m bad and leave me forever. I’m too scared. This is what I would tell myself. This “all or nothing” catastrophic thinking would make me not want to make the list or the amends. It would take away all my willingness.
If I decide to do what is right, make amends, and detach myself from any outcomes, giving them to God, this makes the process easier and takes a lot of the threat away. This opens the door to me becoming willing.

Part of making the list is knowing what people to put on the list for amends and who stays off the list. I make the initial list in this regard and my sponsor helps me weed this list out. My family of origin goes on the list. Others outside my family of origin went on the list, but for one reason or another did not make the final cut.

My family of origin taught me that everything was my fault. I was the scapegoat. Thus I developed the defects of over-responsibility and caretaking. Since I was responsible for everyone, everything was my fault. Love was taken away when I did something wrong. I was bad and unlovable. So I’ve grown up thinking that. And now, sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, I take responsibility for things that aren’t my fault. This could lead me to put people on the amends list that don’t belong there.

So I need to keep these things in mind when I’m making my list. This is one of the many places that my sponsor can come in handy. She can listen to me tell my stories of what has happened and what I think I’ve done wrong and help me get clarity on what I actually need to say and to whom. This helps me with my list and with my willingness.
Another thing that helps me with my willingness is self-love. If I can separate my self-worth from my behaviors, a lot of the fear goes away. If I know that I am a beloved child of God no matter what I’ve done or what happens, I can more easily become ready to put myself out there, admit what I’ve done, and let the outcome be as it may.

Letting go of my defect of over-responsibility and caretaking will help me to become more cheerfully ready to make my list and my amends. If I am no longer responsible for someone else’s life or feelings, then I can become more willing to make amends to them because there is less to lose. I am not responsible for their feelings. I am only responsible for myself. This takes a lot of pressure off me. It makes life easier.

So I make my list, go over it with my sponsor, discuss my defects, fears and worries, and a plan is developed. All of this required my willingness. I became willing. I’m ready to put myself out there.

During this process, I have to constantly make the positive choice to stop being overly responsible for other people and take care of myself. This means giving the person I’m obsessing about back to God and letting go. Then I have to do the right thing to take care of myself, which is to unplug the phone, turn off my brain, and stop obsessing, stop trying to fix it, solve it, kill the pain for the other person. That is tough for me. Sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to be willing to change this behavior. I can only do this with God’s help. God help me to do the right thing.

I am willing to let God be the center of my life. I am willing to keep turning over my life to Him and let Him be the boss. I am willing to let Him write my amends list for me. And He should be the focus of my mind, heart, and soul anyway. It’s about the amends He wants me to make, not the ones I think I need to make. He knows better than me.

Then I need to be willing to say I did the best I could for today in making my amends list. If I find myself unable to do this, I pray for the willingness to be willing to say I did the best I could for today. I need to trust my ability to hear and follow God’s directions.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work.
• Relax and watch.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my willingness:

• I humble myself before the Lord; I will listen.
• It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.
• I submit to the will of the Lord.
• God will live my life for me today. I don’t have to do anything. All I have to do is be a body.
• God will overcome the false prophets in my head.

So the spiritual principle of willingness has a very vital place in my life. It is the concrete foundation under my Step 8 work as I make my amends list and prepare to go forward with my amends. It’s necessary for me to do what God wants me to do.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Willingness:

• Renunciation: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer and The Serenity Prayer. This helps me to become willing. At night before I go to sleep, I say to God, “I surrender God. Dear God, I surrender.” I listen. I breathe. I sleep.
• Prayer: When I’m not cheerfully consenting to do what God wants me to do, I pray the following prayers:
  • I pray for the willingness to be willing.
  • I ask God for the strength to do it.
  • I ask God to do it for me.
  • I ask the Holy Spirit to do it through me.
• More journaling: I get all of my resistance, fears, selfish desires, and control issues out of me and on paper. I write about things like: What am I willing to do? What is keeping me from being willing to do what He wants me to do?
• Worship: Talking to God through consistent morning prayers and meditation is a vital step in my becoming willing to give up what I want for what He wants. Meditation is necessary because that is where I just sit and listen for His guidance.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Program literature: I read Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12), and other literature. Reading this literature helps me to better understand the purpose behind Step 8 and become willing to write my list.
• Scripture: When I need to become willing, I often read the following scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
~Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This helps me to become willing, as I want to do His will and please Him. It helps me to remember He is in charge, not me.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Ibid.