Step 4

4.  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.[1]

Writing my inventory was scary for me at first. I didn’t want to look at myself. I was so full of shame and self-loathing that I felt like it was going to be too awful to look at myself and my faults.

I’ve written my inventory more than once, and in different ways.  I have done relationships inventories, chronological inventories, behaviors and beliefs inventories, and defects of character inventories. As I described in my earlier chapter “What’s a Fearless Moral Inventory,” this book is an example of two different types of inventories, a relationships inventory and a defects of character inventory.

All of my inventories have been very insightful.  I was very brave in all of them; I wrote out everything.

This included every little sin:

• Biting the pickle and putting it back at Chief Charlies
• Telling Cain I would have sex with him when I had no intention of doing so
• Letting my father get Alzheimer’s
• Being too busy so Alex fell out of love with me
• Not being perfect
• Not being thin
• Not being a good guitar player
• Failing at my Hollywood stardom mission
• Falling asleep at the wheel while driving
• Getting in car accidents
• Masturbating in my dorm room when my roommate was asleep
• Making Gad responsible for my feelings
• Making Sam responsible for my feelings
• Being naked with Travis when I didn’t want to be
• Fornicating with Brad
• Doing sexual things with Brad that I didn’t want to do.

No boundaries.  I wrote it all out.  Every little screw-up. 

It was very difficult for me to face the fact that I had to hold myself accountable in the molestation event with Cain. I told him I would have sex with him when I had no intention of doing so. That was a very difficult thing for me to look at.  But it did teach me to let my yes be yes and my no be no. That was a tough lesson.

Step 4 is a really tough, raw, long, hard look at myself every time I do it.  It is always very enlightening, and humbling.

[1] Codependence Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous. (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.

Step 3

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.[1]

I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let him[.[2]

12-Step Slogan

I don’t have to do it alone; I can give it to God and he will do it for me. He will help me do what I can’t do for myself.  All I have to do is to pray, trust, wait, listen, and let go.  Let go and let God as the slogan says. 

What[ a relief.  God is there.  I don’t have to figure it all out. I don’t have to figure out how I could have gotten my mother to stop drinking, my father to stop screwing around, Alex to love me again, the phone to ring, insane parents to get a clue, my roommate to talk to me, or to get the scale down when I’ve been good all week. I don’t have to figure out how to be perfect, how to be lovable to others, or to myself.

I am not God and I can’t control the future.  I can’t control outcomes to suit my needs.  Things are going to happen as they are meant to happen regardless of what I do. God is in charge, I’m not. 

All I have to do is live in this moment. One day at a time. Easy does it.  Let go and let God.  Turn it over.[3] These Program slogans really work for me. 

God will help me do all these things. All I have to do is ask for help, give him my life, and let go. God will help me get my carcass in this chair to write this book when all I want to do is eat chocolate, drink red wine, and watch Johnny Depp movies.

One of Juliet’s Positive Affirmations works very well with this step:

• God has a plan for my life better than I could have orchestrated.  I give it to God and let go. 

Here’s another one:

• God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
  
  

Nothing could be finer than giving my life to God, who was, is, and will be.  Forever.

[1] Ibid.

[2] Slogan of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.

[3] Slogans of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.

Step 2

2.   Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.[1]

I have always believed in God.  I have always been a very spiritual person.  But there is a certain awareness that comes with working Step 2.  There is something very eye-opening, comforting, soothing, like taking a huge load off, that happens when I work Step 2.

Just remembering that God is there to help me is a huge help.  It is not all my fault.  I don’t have to do it alone.  God is there.  Just believing that is a huge relief.  Remembering this on a daily basis is progress for me. A light goes on. It is the light in me that is part of God.  It is the good in me that connects with him.  All good in me comes from God.  When I remember that he is there to help me, that light goes on, and the channel is opened.  He is there to help me.

Working Step 2 restores me to sanity.

[1] Codependence Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous. (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.

Step 1

1.  We admitted we were powerless over others — that our lives had become unmanageable.[1][ 

I am powerless over others. When I came to Codependents Anonymous, my life truly had become unmanageable. I was in the throws of the codependent crazies on a daily basis. When I came to CoDA, I began working Step 1. 

It was then that I realized that I am powerless over everyone and everything, including my mother’s alcoholism, my father’s rage and sexual conquests, my sister’s finances, my sister’s love life, Alex’s feelings towards me, Brad’s feelings towards me, Alex’s sexual orientation, my students’ practice habits, lost violins, nasty parents, what other people think about me, my songwriting, my musicianship, or Hurricane Irene. 

I cannot fix or control someone else. What my mother was doing to herself was not my fault. It affected me. I was living there. I was watching her destroy herself. But I had no jurisdiction over her. 

If a person with a substance abuse problem doesn’t want to stop that behavior, there is nothing I can do.

I am powerless over others. I was powerless over my mother’s drinking.

I repeat these mantras to myself:

It’s not my fault.  It has nothing to do with me.

I will let go and let God.
I will take care of myself.

I will live my own life.

I will take care of myself. Because, as Melody Beattie says in her book Codependent No More, it[  doesn’t matter what you do.  You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.[2]

As soon as I admitted my powerlessness over others, as soon as I admitted and faced the unmanageability of my life, life started to get better.  Admitting these things was Half the battle.

I write responses to the questions in the Workbook and read them to my sponsor. This helps me heal. 

[1] Ibid.

[2] Melody Beattie, Codependent No More. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1987), p. 80.

I hate being wrong and admitting it. I always want to be right.   It’s one of my major defects of character.   I think that admitting I’m wrong negates my self-worth and lovability.

I am working hard to change that.

The voice teacher at Interlochen told me I had a pitch problem.  I cried and cried.  “I’m a bad singer.  I always be bad.”  This is black-and-white catastrophic thinking, which is very typical of someone with low self-esteem.

I used to vibe my students out when they would catch me being wrong.  There I was trying so hard to teach them something and they have to needle me with what I was doing wrong. 

Now I openly admit to my students when I’m wrong.  For example, we are in orchestra and I’m playing my cello, and I’ll make a mistake.  “Sorry guys, my bad .  Let’s do it again for me,” I’ll say to them.

Then I forgive myself for judging myself for not being good enough.  Making and admitting to mistakes makes me human to them and I think they respect me for it.

I’ve been known to seek a student out and apologize if I felt I offended them or vibed them  out in some way.   I think it helps our student-teacher relationship.  It builds trust and respect. 

I am trying to get better at admitting my mistakes.

This all relates to my perfectionism.

Juliet’s Positive Affirmations related to being wrong include:

• It’s okay for me to make mistakes.  It’s okay to be human.

Wright, J. Everything Is My Fault (Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012) p. 254-255.

P

Sometimes I think I am the center of the universe.  It’s one of my defects of character. Since everything is my fault, that means I’m responsible for everyone’s feelings. This means that the world is on my shoulders and everyone everywhere is thinking about me all the time.  If I mess up even once and do the wrong thing, everyone everywhere will know and they will all abandon me forever.  I will be alone, homeless, loveless, destitute, worthless, and in pain.  These are the lies that my disease tells me.

The world does not revolve around me and people are not always thinking about me all the time.  They are all thinking about what they are going to do next.  My aunt told me that and she’s right.  It’s about them, not me.  Even if it sounds like it’s about me, it’s about them.

Here’s an example of this defect in action.  I spoke to the plumber yesterday about doing some work at my house.  He told me how much it was and I told him I’d think about it. It was so hard for me not to answer him right away.  Afterwards, I was thinking, He doesn’t think I like him.  Now he’s bummed he won’t get the job. I’ve made him sad.  He called me back so it was my obligation to say yes right away.  Now he’ll starve to death and it’s all my fault. 

Stop!  First of all, he’s a very busy plumber.  Second of all, he’s not even giving it a second thought.  He’s on to the next thing.  I am not the center of the universe.

Here’s another one.  My best friend sent me an email saying to give her buzz sometime to chat.  She gave me her schedule.  So she’s sitting there wondering why I haven’t called, right?  She’s waiting by the phone.

Stop!  She’s busy with her life.

I think this about my good friends a lot.  Like, if I don’t get an email back from one of them right away, I think they’re mad at me.  The truth is the person is busy doing what they do.  It’s not about me.

Here’s another example. My administrator is not giving me the information I need and I’ve asked a couple times.  School is getting ready to start and I can’t do what I need to do because she hasn’t given me the answers I need.  Why won’t she answer me?  Why won’t she be proactive and make some decisions? How can she leave me hanging?

Stop!  I am not the center of the universe. She has a million other things on her mind that are more important to her than the strings teacher.  She has test scores to think about.  If I keep emailing her and asking, I will just irritate her.  I guess I probably won’t be getting the answers I need. I’ll just have to figure it out on my own. Sigh. 

I also drive myself crazy thinking about something I may have said to a student about their violin playing.  They are home crying.  They hate me.  I’ve ruined their life.

Stop!  They probably stopped thinking about me the minute they left violin class!!

People are involved in their own stuff.  They are thinking about themselves, not me.  I’m not the center of the universe.  Will I ever get this through my thick head?

Wright, Juliet. Everything is My Fault: One Woman’s Journey through Co-Dependency. Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing 2012, p. 239

Low Self-Esteem

Out they come

My worms

They’re here

Blame, obsession,

Self-hate and fear

It’s time to weed this wormwood

From my fruitful brain

(Midgard, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

These lyrics speak of my own feelings about myself that produce my low self-esteem.

I have low self-esteem.

The entire Juliet’s Feelings List from “It Really Is True” applies here. That is how I feel about myself.

All of my feelings are typical of a codependent with low-self esteem. As a child, I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough.

Even today, I am my own worst enemy.

I have old tapes that start playing in my head, telling me lies. Here’s an example:

Stupid girl.  The only reason you are singing at your dad’s party is because you are his daughter.  You aren’t any good. You are a fat ugly loser, remember?  No one else would give you the time of day.  You are pathetic. 

These tapes start playing at full volume when I make mistakes.  Perfectionism can lead to lots of shame and low self-esteem.

Since I have low self-esteem, my self-worth is tied up in how you feel about me. 

Like many codependents, it’s very difficult for me to make choices.  I was in denial about this pattern for a long time, but lately it has really been staring me in face. I don’t want to make a mistake and pick the wrong decision.  Even small decisions, such as where to eat, can make me crazy.  A fairly recent crazy-making decision dilemma was whether or not to purchase a new artificial Christmas tree as the mice trashed my old one.  I went around and around about it like a dog chasing her tail. If I bought a new one, I’d have to throw away the old one, and that meant poor Mother Earth would have yet something else in one of her already overflowing land fills.  If I didn’t buy one, I’d have to live with a Christmas tree that had been somewhat damaged by the mice.

This defect only gets worse when I’m with someone else.  In this case, I try to second-guess what they want so then they will be happy.

Other characteristics typical of someone with low self-esteem are being critical of myself, not being aware of or denying my needs, and thinking that the other person is always right and I am always wrong.  These patterns were evident not only in my family of origin, but in my relationships with Brad and Alex, friends, and work colleagues.

I have never thought that I deserve to get my needs met, so it’s very hard for me to ask for what I need. Then I would say yes when I meant no, especially when I wanted something different from what the other person wanted.  Then I would try not to want it, denying myself.

The bottom line is that the other person is the only one who is important. I don’t count because I’m not worthy enough to count.

I don’t trust my own judgment about anything.  Everyone else knows better than me.  Alex knew best about fashion, hair, food, music, what sounded good, how you were supposed to act, what you were supposed to do.  My sister knows the scoop with Miss Manners.  Everyone else is always right.

My inner critic spews venom filled with lies that fuel the fire of my low self-esteem.

These verses in my song My Mighty Warrior (The Linton Worm)speak of the inner critic’s pursuit of me:

He chases me

Throughout the day and night

Breathing lies

Until I think he’s right.

Why must we endure this test

Can’t it just be laid to rest

And finally

Set us free.

(My Mighty Warrior, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Songwriting continues to be a very healing recovery activity for me.  I will continue to use it in that manner.  Thank you God for these gifts.

By working my Codependents Anonymous program, I am slowly getting some self-esteem.  I will keep working my Program, and by the grace of God, I will continue with my recovery.

Workaholism

I am a workaholic.

I tie my self-worth to what I accomplish. This leads me to be compulsive with my work so that at the end of the day I can feel good about myself. I can numb myself out with work just like I can with food. I am only worthy of love if I accomplish a certain amount of work.

When I was at the Interlochen Arts Academy, my workaholism manifested itself in my practice habits. I would spend hours practicing guitar and piano whether I was conscious or not. I felt guilty if I got more than four hours of sleep at night. I was falling asleep all the time in class and probably looked like a fool. I was only worth the work I got done that day. The same thing was true at University of Miami.

Some of my work habits during my time in Los Angeles could be viewed as workaholism. Much of it, however, was just Juliet trying to support herself.

I worked two or three jobs at a time just to make ends meet and would drive long distances to accomplish this. I would be so tired while driving that I would fall asleep at the wheel regularly.

I fell asleep at the wheel so many times on the way home from gigs in LA. It’s amazing I got anywhere alive.  I was absolutely always in my car.  I would wake up on the freeway and not know where I was.  I would try absolutely everything to stay awake. I would eat, drink coffee, chew gum, bounce up and down, slap my face, run the air conditioning, blast music — you name it. I tried everything except drugs.  Nothing worked.

One night I was at a stoplight at the corner of Crescent Heights and Sunset and someone shook my shoulder.  It was the woman from the car behind me. I guess I must have had the window open.

“I saw you sitting here through a couple of lights and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I thanked her. That was really nice of her.   I hadn’t been drinking that time, either.  I was just too plain tired.  I was working all day and all night and living on three or four hours of sleep a night.  I can see why Alex would be worried about me.

When I was in Automatic Acceleration, we commuted to both San Diego and Palm Desert when the band was first formed.  This meant hours and hours of time in my car in traffic.

When I worked with Lisa, we commuted very long distances as well.

In fact, every band I was in commuted very long distances to get to gigs.  Very rarely did we play close to home.  That is just how it was.

Then I would get up and work all day.

Thank you God for keeping me alive all those years.  I appreciate it.

Juliet’s Positive Affirmations around workaholism include:

• God help me love myself regardless of what I do or don’t accomplish. I am worthy of love just because I exist. Thank you God. Not my will but Thine be done.