On one typical Friday evening, I sat in my Los Angeles home office feeling exhausted and depressed. I started thinking about the silly looking marble fireplace in my living room.  Not only was it ugly, heavy, and leaning, but it was placed right next to some sad-looking wood paneling.  What person thought that looked good?  I got up, approached the fireplace, gave the marble a cold icy stare, and decided that it was just too ugly for me.  It had to be destroyed instantly.  So I went to Home Depot and bought the necessary tools of demolition.  I took the workman’s plastic, covered the floor with it, and taped the plastic off.  Then I put on my protective gloves and goggles, grabbed my beautiful new sledgehammer, took a deep breath, and started smashing the crap out of the marble.  It came off the wall just like it should have.  I screamed while I did it.  What wonderful stress release that was!  Fantastic!  I highly recommend something like this for getting out one’s aggression in a safe way. Plus, I got rid of something in my home that had been bugging me.

I immediately emailed my best pal Doris and told her:  “Man, you have to try this!!!”

Underneath that wretched marble was a beautiful wooden mantle.  Who in their right mind would ever cover that up?

Sledgehammer therapy worked really well for me.  If I need to do it again, I will find something that needs to be destroyed, grab my sledgehammer, and just start bashing the dickens out of it. What a release! Of course, I’ll make sure I’m hitting an object, like my barn that is falling down for example, not a person or an animal.  And I’ll always wear gloves and the safety goggles!

Wright, Juliet. Everything Is My Fault: One Woman’s Journey Through Co-Dependency. Pownal, VT:Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012.

I wrote this song originally as part of an assignment for a class I was taking. This was a class for teachers that was taught through a museum. The objective was to learn ways to integrate visual art into your teaching curriculum. For the assignment we had to take two artworks we had seen during the class and create another artwork based on those works. So I chose two paintings that I liked and wrote a song.

This song is loosely based on a ghost story that takes place in a restaurant during the prohibition period. In this tale a woman has an adulterous affair with a  musician. The woman disappears, and comes back as a ghost, haunting the restaurant and bar where they used to hang out. In my version, the musician disappears, leaving the woman imprisoned inside her obsession with this man and their long lost love. In recovery terms she has made this man and the memory of their love, her God, and can’t let go. 

Here are the lyrics. 

The Ghost of You version 1

Words and music by Juliet Wright

verse 1:

High upon a cliff,

in 1927

rum runners put down roots

for the hair of the dog and a dance

Lonely lady spellbound

Your music was her playmate

into the night you danced

the lonely lovers dance

Verse 2:

In your arms

And under your spell

The garment of your soul was hers

Under summers restless sky

Her betrothed feared his wife’s cup

Overflowed with sin

Her tousled hair confessed

She would taste of it again

Prechorus:

Now the path beside the shore

Only whispers of your name

She walks it in the night

She’ll never be the same

Chorus 1:

The ghost of you’s as real

As the blood stains on her dress

She feels you fingers on her skin

To God she must confess

Chorus 2:

The ghost of you is as scrumptious

As the sea salt on you skin

She tastes it like it was yesterday

The dream state she is in.

Verse 3:

Bad debts and cheating

Run out of town

Gone without a trace

Your fingers in too many pies

They took you from this place.

And so you left

Without goodbye

No forwarding address

Were they promises or lies?

You left her in distress.

Verse 4:

Never to be seen again

The whites of your dark eyes

They covered their tracks well

You were gone before sunrise

She wanders the road and hits the bars

Begging for news of your return

It’s everyone’s big secret

No one says a word.

Prechorus:

Now the breeze along the shore

Only hints of your cologne

One breath of it is just enough

She no longer feels alone.

Chorus 3:

The ghost of you’s as sweet

As her finger dipped in honey

In her dreams she tastes (feels) the heat

and satisfies her longing.

Chorus 4:

The ghost of you’s as real

As the whiskey on her breath

She rattles on about yesterday

To the corpses on her left.

Bridge:

The nightmare that she never shares

from the darkness of the night

she sees your car go off the cliff

your headlights take flight.

she knows her dream was real

you never will return

except in her fantasies 

Her memories will burn.

Verse 5:

Now she sits on the

Bed in the morning

And it’s one more day to hope

To pretend you’ll return

With reality she can’t cope.

If she just keeps asking

The answers will comply

‘til then she’ll occupy the bar

and sickly wonder why.

Prechorus:

Now the path beside the shore

Only whispers of your name

She walks it in the night

She’ll never be the same

Chorus 5:  The ghost of you’s as real

As the wrinkles on her face

She drinks hard to be rid of them

Her skin as white as lace

The ghost of you’s as fresh

As the guitarist on the stage

Her drunken eyes pretend it’s you

Trapped in yesterdays cage.

Words and Music by Juliet Wright, copyright 2013, all rights reserved.

This song is about letting go of the past, of relationships and behaviors that don’t work, arriving on the other side of grief, and finally being willing to accept life on life’s terms. 

I started writing this song a couple of years ago, after a phone call with my ex. I had gone into that mode of wondering what he thought of me, mulling over the past, our struggles, painful memories, wondering why things turned out the way they did. I was not getting stuck, but on the verge for sure. And it’s not like I’m wanting to turn back time, because I really like my life the way it is now, and am so grateful for everything God has given me. I have a great life. But the thoughts and patterns of thinking and feeling were there, so I wrote down some lyrics about it. 

As the song developed, I added lyrics about defects of character that can tend to take over my life, like my obsessiveness, caretaking and over responsibility. I can obsess about people, worry about them, thinking that I am responsible for them and that it is my job to fix their lives and make them happy. I do this with one friend in particular. This leads to answering the phone when I’m too tired, it’s too late here, and then I am resentful, grumpy. This is my issue. I need to change this habit. This is my behavior pattern that doesn’t serve anyone involved, myself or the other person. I need to learn to not answer the phone when it doesn’t serve me, when it is too late, or whatever, and take care of myself. I am just as important as the other person.

I also can tend to get caught up in what others think of me, especially when it comes to my song writing, performing, books I’ve written and my teaching. I guess that is almost everything! But as my sponsor and therapist have taught me, what other people think of me is none of my business, even if it is good. 

The last verse addresses my memories of the past and whether or not they are accurate. Do I cloud my memories with my feelings that still linger, as well as my feelings about myself? In the end I vow that it is indeed time to let go of the past, which includes my old behavior patterns and old negative tapes that play in my head, usually the inner critic, who is still urging me to feel bad about myself. 

Here is the song again. 

Are You Ready Now

Verse 1

After all this time

Visions of you cross my mind

An unkind word, cold shoulder

Sends me back

Familiar pain

Like a knife to my heart.

Prechorus 1:

So it’s the 19^th song

And the 21^st page

Why not they say, it just gets better with age

So I keep trying to dump my past

And make a life that’s meant to last

Chorus 1:

Are you ready now.

Are you ready now to let go.

Are you ready now.

Are you ready now to let go.

Verse 2:

So I find myself

Obsessed with you

For the 27^th time

It’s what I do.

If you paint the devil on the wall   

And he appears before us all.

Daring us to take the fall.

Prechorus 2:

So for the 50^th time

I answer the phone

To hear you complain

When I’d rather be alone

But that would make me selfish

I am just a fly

And you’re the butterfly.

Chorus 2:

Are you ready now.

Are you ready now to let go.

Are you ready now.

Are you ready now to let go.

Bridge:

What do you think of me?

opinions on tap

When will I ever learn

My self worth

Is not determined by you.

Verse 3:

Is my memory of you

Clouded by my own

Desires?

I read between the lines of your life

Hidden secrets

pain and strife

not my battle to fight.

Prechorus 3:

I Finally put my dreams to bed

And vow to keep you out of my head.

I’ll be just fine, as long as I remember

That I too, am a butterfly.

Chorus 3:

I am ready now.

I am ready now.

I am ready now.

To let go.

Words and music by Juliet A. Wright,

Copyright, 6/20/19

All rights reserved.

If you like what you have heard today, I hope you will subscribe to my channel and visit my Hidden Angel Records and Hidden Angel Publishing website, www.hiddenangel.net, where you can purchase one of my books or cd’s listen to song samples, and check out my blog. You can also check out our Hidden Angel Publishing Facebook page. 

Have a great day! 

I began writing this song in 2014 when I was grieving over the illness and death of my brother-in-law, Zeb, who died of brain cancer. I finished writing the song while I was on vacation in Maine. I had been deep in prayer, reading scripture and writing songs. It is an earnest, heartfelt prayer to the Lord that incorporates my deepest feelings, yearnings and various scriptures, mostly from the psalms, that speak to my condition. 

In bridge one I write about how sometimes I feel like I’m praying, meditating and talking to God and He doesn’t seem to answer. Some have called this The Dark Night of the Soul, as written by St. John of the Cross. It is reported that Mother Theresa also experienced this silence from God. 

The second B Section gives reference to different defects of character that might hinder my ability to hear and follow God, and also could affect my ability to show love to my fellow man. 

Singing this song always feeds and soothes my soul and brings me back to the idea that, no matter what, I will strive to keep God as the number one focus of my life. 

Heal Me

Verse 1:

Heal me, free me

Tell me a story I can believe

Teach me, show me,

I cannot make it alone

Verse 2:

Save me, keep me

Hide me in the shadow of your wings

Fill me, complete me

This emptiness eats me alive.

B section:

I can’t make it alone

I need you on your throne

Reveal your path for me

I need for you to lead.

Verse 3:

Trust me, show me

Hear me and answer my prayer

Rise up and free me

The enemy he bares.

Verse 4:

Forgive me all my sins

Cleanse me from my evil ways

Have mercy, be with me

Protect my tender heart.

B Section:

Heal me from this pain

Save me from my shame

Fill me with your love

Forgiveness from above

Bridge 1:

Why can’t I hear your voice?

For you are my choice

Come and light the way

With me always stay

 Verse 5:

Alone

is where I am

when I leave God out of my life

My day,

My hour,

My minute.

B Section:

Nestled in your arms,

I am free from harm,

My ego you erase

Rage gone without a trace.

Bridge 2:

I give up all control

As you read from your scroll

I know I must obey

And you’ll show me the way.

Completed 6/19/19

 Copyright 2020 all rights reserved.

I wrote this song several years ago when I was living in Los Angeles. I was driving home after playing a gig at the Hollywood Holiday Inn in Hollywood. We played in the restaurant and lounge on the top floor of this hotel. This hotel was round and the restaurant had a section that rotated so folks could see the panoramic view while eating and not have to get up from their seat.

Anyway, I was driving home at about 1:30 in the morning when I noticed that the streets were unusually quiet. There was no one around at all, except for a homeless man begging on the corner and talking to himself. It is really rare for this busy city to be that quiet. There is always someone around, whether it be a policeman, folks walking the streets or the man with the strange, lit up hat who gets tourists to pay him to take his picture. On this particular night there was no one out. No one but the homeless man. So I wrote this song about it.

I also incorporated into these lyrics my Quaker method of silent worship. Quakers, or the Religious Society of Friends, believe in a one to one relationship with God. We each have that of God living inside of us. We call it the Inner Light, but it also has other names. We can contact that Light, by engaging in Silent Worship, or Waiting Upon the Lord. Others may call it meditation. We listen for what God has to say to us.

So on this quiet Hollywood night, I contact the Light Within, or God, to receive Guidance for my journey. I present some struggles I am having to God, and listen for answers. In the end I resolve to keep listening to and following Him.

Please listen to the song again with these thoughts in mind and view my lyrics below.

I hope you have enjoyed this blog entry. I invite you to visit my You Tube channel and also my website at www.hiddenangel.net, where you can purchase my books, CD’s and audio books, view my lyrics, contact me, and offer your views of this work.

Have a great day.

Listen to the Silence

The streets are quiet tonight

There must be somethin’ goin’ on

There’s an old man beggin’ for life

To no one at all.

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

The streets are quiet tonight

And I’m feelin’ so alone.

The old man finds a place to sleep

He prays the Lord his soul to keep

He mocks the wine and holy host

Father son and Holy Ghost

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

There’s a light on out there somewhere

There’s a symphony to the soul

Listen it just might tell us which way to go

And now with fog in the streets

Clouding my way, making my heart race

Look at us baby, where are we goin’

Are we ever gonna get out of this place

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

Where to go from here

Where to stop from here

Where to turn from here

When to leave here

Where to go from here

Where to go from here

Words and Music by Juliet A. Wright,

Copyright 1991 all rights reserved

Hi, my name is Juliet and I am a recovering codependent. This website is not affiliated with any 12-step program. 

I have many, many codependent characteristics, also known as defects of character, that do not serve me well. Today I find myself engaging in many of them. Here is some of the negative self talk that is buzzing around my busy head at the moment:

1. I judge myself harshly as never being good enough.
2. What others think of me is always right and I am always wrong.
3. I determine my self worth from the opinions of others.
4. I determine my self worth from what I accomplish in a day.
5. I take everything personally.
6. I don’t take criticism well.
7. I am a mistake.

Here is what happened that made these defects of character raise their ugly heads. It sounds very silly to be speaking of this incident, but it happened and I felt bad, so here goes. You know how Facebook lets you know when your friends have birthdays? Well a friend of mine had a birthday, so I clicked on the button to say happy birthday. Well, you know how Facebook, and seemingly every other computer app for that matter, likes to predict what you are going to write and fills it in for you? (Completely annoying). Well, that happened and before I knew it, I had written the wrong person’s name in the slot and sent it. And it appeared that there was no going back. I couldn’t change it. Nor could I respond in that context. Happy Birthday and get out. That’s it. Please leave. Fine. So I sent a message to my friend explaining myself, apologizing and wishing them, once again, to have a nice birthday.

Well the bad news is that my error is still up there on his birthday list for the world to see. And the person whose name was accidentally written in there saw it, wrote to me and corrected me, saying “It’s not my birthday, it is So and So’s birthday.. Sigh. I’m like “I know that. I pressed send too quickly and the auto fill messed me up.”

Then I felt dumb, less than.

I am not good enough. Another codependent characteristic.

Silly right? I am aware these are not really problems. The world is full of a deadly virus, prejudice and racial injustice continue to poison this country, and the leadership is completely oblivious to anything having to do with reality.

But, this is my reality. I am a codependent. And incidents like these open up old wounds. The old tapes start playing and my inner critic, who is really my father living inside my head, starts telling me all of those lies over and over; you are not good enough, you are less than, stupid, you hurt peoples feelings, you are ugly, reminds me of every mistake I have ever made in the past….. Oh he goes on and on. It is not fun.

So, how to I get my head back on straight and back into the arms of recovery?

Here are the tools I use to make a plan and fix to the situation in my head:

1. I breathe deep.
2. I become aware of what is going on in my body, feelings and brain. My heart is racing, I have that familiar ache in my gut when I am really, really sad and my brain is telling me that I am dumb, stupid, less than. Plus my inner critic is telling me I hurt someone’s feelings. So now I’m really bad.
3. I ask myself, what is the information? I made a mistake.
4. I breathe in and out deeply again.
5. I give it to God. Please God, take this off my plate.
6. I make God my real friend, like Jesus is right next to me, helping me.
7. I say my positive affirmations, which I know to be true:
   • It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
   • I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake.
   • What other people think of me is none of my business.
   • Other people’s actions, moods and opinions of me have nothing to do with me.
   • Let it go.
   • Turn it over.
   • Breathe.
   • Easy does it.
   • Just relax.
   • Trust God and do the next right thing.
   • I can’t God can, I think I’ll let Him.
8. I say to myself, “Where can I put my attention that is not on this?”
9. I remember that God will show me what to do and when to do it. He will also reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it.
10. I breathe in and out.
11. I go do something else, that makes me happy.

And if my obsessiveness kicks up again, the hamster is on the wheel and my mind is chewing on this situation and every mistake I’ve ever made, again, I say my positive affirmations once more and redirect it to what I am doing.

This process works for me and as a result I am leading a much happier life. Maybe it will work for you too.

I hope you have enjoyed this narrative. I would like to invite you to visit my website store, at www.hiddenangel.net, where you can explore the books and CD’s I have for sale under Hidden Angel Publishing and Hidden Angel Records.

Have a nice day!

The Processes

Introduction

I have some Processes that I use to rid myself of my anxieties and get myself back on the track of a productive, happy life. In the following sections, I will present these Processes in their most basic form.  I will also present examples of the Processes in action.

These Processes have been very helpful to me, and they are also key to my recovery. They’re helping me to delete old, destructive patterns of thinking and useful for building in new behaviors that work better for me.

Anti-Anxiety Process

Here is the Anti-Anxiety Process in action as it relates to Mom possibly getting kicked out of Hanover Terrace, the fancy assisted living facility she stayed in briefly in 1999. This was only a few months after her and Dad’s accident and she had just, once again, gotten out of rehab. This incident is described in my “Have Another Drink” chapter of my first book. This is a step-by-step look at what was going on in Juliet’s brain during this whole thing. 

The key here is that I needed to observe, not react. So I plugged into my process for getting into the Observer, getting out of reaction mode, and dealing with the resulting anxiety. 

1.  I get into the Observer by asking myself: What’s going on in my body, feelings, brain?

2. I observe what’s going on in these three areas and take note of my answers.

My body: My heart is racing. I’m sweating and starting to breathe heavy.

My feelings: I am feeling panicked like there is a crisis.  I am upset, disappointed, sad, angry, and panicked all at once.  Later this becomes resentment.  Here I am away from my home and my husband trying to clean up this mess, and all Mom can do is drink? She’s not supposed to be drinking at all, especially not there.

My brain: My brain is saying I did something wrong. 

3.  I breathe in and out and few times. 

4. Pray.  Give it to God.  Say, “God, please help me.”

5. I remind myself of what the truth is: The reality is that I know this is not true.  This is not a reflection of me.  It is Mom’s stuff.  Still, it affects me.  But it doesn’t have to.  I can leave her there. But not if they kick her out. Then what the heck am I going to do with her? (Confusion)

6.  I breathe big again.

7.  What’s the information?  Mom is drinking again.

8.  What are my choices for handling this? I can freak out, which is useless, or give it to God and let go.

9.  Hold outcome in the Light of God, meditate, give thanks, visualization. 

9.  Take action – make a plan. 

10.  Affirm choice, accept it.

11.  Let it go. I will let it go.

It never serves me to get freaked out and overly emotional about things, especially if they have nothing to do with me.

Wright, Juliet Everything is My Fault – One Woman’s Journey Through Codependency, Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012.

---

I had a really hard time on the treadmill this morning. My legs and left knee were aching. The fanny pack was sliding down my shorts so I couldn’t reach the tissues for my nose which was running like Niagara Falls. I wanted a drink of water so I tried to adjust the incline, but I hit the speed button instead, twice, once at a seven and once at an eleven. How do you think that worked out? I am not a Boston Marathon runner. I’m trying to keep up with the treadmill, on an incline, holding on tight, which is hurting my already sore shoulders, that were injured months ago hauling wood. It’s hard to do the treadmill on an incline while trying to read Conversation with Christ and The Language of Letting Go. Let go? I’m trying not to fall off this blasted thing! My fanny pack is threatening to fall off completely. So, it gets moved in punishment to hang on the handle bar of the treadmill and if I reach in there I’m going to probably fall on my face.  So, of course, this is the perfect moment for my heart rate monitor, with its brand-new battery, to stop working. Now I don’t know how many calories this torture is burning. This just isn’t fair! So pretty soon I’m having a meltdown like Winona Ryder when Whoopie Goldberg throws her in the ice-cold bathtub in “Girl Interrupted.” She starts screaming “this is a fascist torture chamber!” I’m just trying to get my work out done for heaven’s sake!

I do have a choice. I could just stop and not do it. Let’s instead, however, put those 12 step principles into practice. I am determined to persevere and get my hour in on the treadmill.  So, what do I do? I make a note of my anger outburst level, which was an 80 and mark it down to tell my sponsor later, as I have been tracking my anger. What do I do with that energy? I put in Cloudburst Flight by Tangerine Dream and I keep going.  17 minutes to go.

I am now reading in Conversations with Christ by Douglas Gwyn while walking. “Is there a situation that you have handled differently than you usually would? Has the problem or situation been changed by your action? If so, how? Has the action changed how you see yourself? If so how?”

Well, yesterday my ProTools software decided it was going to declare a large portion of my audio book files missing, leaving huge gaps in my audio book chapter clips. The feeling I had was fear. All of that work, gone. I had taken extra care to save these files in 3 different places. They were fine when I left them. Now they are gone. I was scared but I didn’t get angry and I didn’t freak out. I tried calmly to find these files. Thanks be to God that my audio book is done. I need these files, but I don’t need them right this minute. I can take the mp4’s, upload and splice them as I need to do that. Not ideal.

The good news is that I walked away. I didn’t have a meltdown or rage attack. That is progress. I went and did my Ohio State String Teachers Workshop work. I need to talk to technology at Avid, but don’t have time now and won’t do so until I’m calm. Something is wrong with the template I am using. I need a new template. Let it go, Juliet. Let go. Go do something else. I walked away. Yay me.

Getting back to Douglas Gwyn’s passage, he encourages us now to search for a scripture within our hearts that speaks to our condition. Is there one? Yes:

Be still and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10.

Bring Christ in your vision. What do you imagine he is saying to you?

Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. Let go. Let go.

God is going to reveal each step when I need to hear it. I am not going to know right now. It’s all going to be all right. I just have to live in the moment and in the spirit and not get all bunched up. He will take of me. Listen, be present. Give thanks to God.

There goes the nose again. I’m late for Quaker meeting!

I rush into my office and sit down at the computer with hair dripping wet from a lightning fast shower, yogurt/pumpkin concoction and coffee in hand. I sit down, I close my eyes, I breathe. Just breathe. Just relax. Let go. As I sit in my chair and worship begins, the sweat on my brow accompanies me, adorning my face and landing on my shirt. Mozart’s Requiem Mass blasts in my head. I breathe in and out. My nose begins to run. Again.

Written by Juliet A. Wright

July 12, 2020

All rights reserved