Step 10

10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.[1]

I try to do a Step 10 every morning when I wake up.

“What do you want me to do today, God?”

I try to do a Step 10 every night when I’m lying in bed.

“Did I do what you wanted me to do today, God?”

These phrases are typed on signs that hang near my bed.  I read them before I turn out the light.  I think about the day and think of things that I did that weren’t good for me or someone else.  This is usually a very long list.  Then I correct the situation.

For example, sometimes I make students responsible for my feelings.  This doesn’t serve them or me.  They’re just kids after all.  So when I realize I’ve done this, I apologize to them. I said the following to a student once. 

“I was having a bad day last week and I’m afraid I expressed frustration to you when it wasn’t your problem.  I’m sorry about that. I was wrong.”

Another situation in which I had to admit I was wrong was the situation with Melba Toast. I should have taken her outside by herself to talk to her, instead of talking to her in front of the whole class.  I was wrong.  I have not admitted this to Melba.  Perhaps I should now, even if it is a year after the fact.  I will turn the situation over to God.

Students really respect me more when I am willing to admit that I am wrong.  They trust me more. 

It’s also wrong for me to answer the phone after 8:00 pm when I’ve vowed to set a boundary about that.  The stated boundary is that the phone gets turned off at 8:00 pm.  Sometimes, however, I still answer the phone after that time.  And I get mad at the person who is calling after eight o’clock.  Then I do Step 10 and realize that I was the one who answered the phone. It’s not the fault of the person who called, it’s my fault for answering the phone.  Then I vibe them out.  I’m the one who broke my own boundary, not them.

This reminds me of that saying that when I point the finger at someone I need to remember that four fingers are pointing at me.

[1] Ibid.

Juliet Wright, Everything is My Fault, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012, p. 42.

Step 9

9.  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]

I rehearsed my amends with my sponsor.  She helped me with the wording so that it was not blaming, general enough to get the point across and the job done, and not cause any hurt feelings.  I’m so glad she was there to help me.

I made amends to my sister and to my mother.  I started with Mom.  We were on her canopy bed talking and I just casually did my thing.

“Mom, I realize there were times I judged you and would say things that were hurtful.  I know now that I was frustrated by the disease the family had and was trying to fix everything.  I realize now that wasn’t my job.  I’m sorry about that.”  That wasn’t what I said word for word, but that is the gist of it.

“I just assumed you understood,” Mom said.

“Your steps are very similar to AA,” she added.

With Alice, I said something very similar.  We were sitting in her car.  She was very nice about it. 

I’m really glad I did it and I was glad when it was over.

Now I am in the middle of my second Step 9.  It’s taking the form of a forgiveness list to myself.  I made a list of things I am going to forgive myself for.  Then I am making a list of new behaviors I can plug in that will help me to not do the things that are destructive to me.   I’m working hard on it.  It’s a very long list.   I read all of this to my sponsor during our weekly phone calls.

What I’m realizing, however, is that the more I forgive myself, the more I can forgive others.  This is especially true of my students.  The more I recognize their behaviors as ones I had growing up, the more empathy, compassion, and forgiveness I have for them.  First, I have to forgive myself for doing those things.  Then I can forgive them.  It makes things so much easier. 

The ninth Step is tough but very effective.

[1] Ibid.

Step 8

8.  Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.[1]

8.  Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.[1]

[1] Ibid.

I had so many people on my first amends list.  These people included:

• My mother
• My sister
• Alex
• Cain
• Brad.

There was also Claire from elementary and middle school (my friend and I used to convince her she was limping on the wrong foot… and she would switch! We were mean!!!)

Gradually this list got down to just my mother and my sister. 

My sponsor helped me with all of this.  She said no way did I need to apologize to Alex or Cain or Brad. 

I would clearly need God’s help with all of this.

My list during my second trip through the Steps was much shorter.  The only person on there was me.  So I set out to make living amends to myself by building in new behaviors and habits that would serve me better and make me be happier and more worthy of God’s love.

[1] Ibid.

Step 7

7.  Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.[1]

It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.

Juliet’s Positive Affirmation

I read my list of defects to my sponsor.  I read it every day to God and humbly ask him to remove these shortcomings. I ask humbly because it’s up to Him, not me.  Like my affirmation above states, it’s about what he wants, it’s not about what I want.

I keep asking to have my obsessiveness removed.  I am slowly getting rid of my obsessiveness. 

I keep asking to have my perfectionism removed.  I want to learn to love myself for who I am and realize it is okay to make mistakes.  This is a very, very slow process. Some days I win, some days I lose.

I keep asking for help in getting to bed earlier. Some nights I do, most I don’t.  So He must not be ready for me to get rid of that.

I tie my self-worth to my weight and what I accomplish. My self-judgment regarding weight is getting better but the process is slow. I still tie my self-worth to what I accomplish.  That is not getting better.  So God must not be ready for me to let go of that yet.

I keep asking.  I keep turning it over to him. 

Little by little, I am recovering.

[1] Ibid.

S

6.  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.[1]

I looked at all of my behaviors in my inventory. I made a specific list of my defects of character. I have 86 to date. I included everything on there from obsessiveness, fear of abandonment, compulsiveness, lust, perfectionism, and staying up too late during the week. I looked at the reasons behind those behaviors and discovered that most of the time these were survival methods I developed during my tumultuous childhood.

For example, obsessing about my father’s moods and what might keep him from exploding served a purpose in my life. When I was successful, there was peace. Any peace we could come by in our house was welcomed. 

If I could clean the kitchen just so and be perfect, quiet, not exist during the bad years of my marriage, then there might be peace, maybe even a hug. 

But now this obsessiveness was getting in the way of my happiness.  It didn’t serve a purpose.  It was making me sick and wasn’t accomplishing any objectives.  Obsessing about why Brad wasn’t calling me did not make him call me.  Obsessing about that darned missing violin did not make it reappear. All it did was make me sick.

Stuffing my feelings down with food numbed me out for a while, but the fix was only temporary. Plus, it made me fat and miserable. It doesn’t serve me to tie my self-worth up in how much I weigh.

It doesn’t serve me to tie my self-worth up in how much I accomplish.

Perfectionism made me miserable too because being perfect is impossible. 

Staying up too late during the week is pointless. All it does is make me tired and cranky. 

I realized that my behaviors were more of a health hazard than help.  I decided to try to build in new habits that worked better for me.

That leads me to Step 7.

[1] Ibid.

Step 5

5.  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.[1]

The only thing harder than doing my inventory in Step 4 was reading what I had written, admitting it to myself that I wasn’t perfect, that I made mistakes, that I was human.  Then I had to admit it to God.  If that wasn’t enough, I had to read it to my sponsor.  I had to read her those awful things, like masturbation.  I hate that. I hate that word.  I hate even thinking about it.  I had to read it to her. 

So I did.  I have read her several incarnations of two different inventories of my deepest darkest secrets, screw-ups, defects, and imperfections.  Never once has she exhibited any disgust, shock, or judgment. She has never hung up on me.  She has never told me I was going to hell.  She just listened.  She still loved me when it was over.I burned my first inventory.   My second inventory was the basis for this book[.  I still have it.  I printed it out on pretty purple paper.  My therapist says I should burn it.

Breathe in and out. It’s okay. I lived through it. I’m okay. I’m still an okay person. I’m still lovable.

[1] Ibid.

Step 4

4.  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.[1]

Writing my inventory was scary for me at first. I didn’t want to look at myself. I was so full of shame and self-loathing that I felt like it was going to be too awful to look at myself and my faults.

I’ve written my inventory more than once, and in different ways.  I have done relationships inventories, chronological inventories, behaviors and beliefs inventories, and defects of character inventories. As I described in my earlier chapter “What’s a Fearless Moral Inventory,” this book is an example of two different types of inventories, a relationships inventory and a defects of character inventory.

All of my inventories have been very insightful.  I was very brave in all of them; I wrote out everything.

This included every little sin:

• Biting the pickle and putting it back at Chief Charlies
• Telling Cain I would have sex with him when I had no intention of doing so
• Letting my father get Alzheimer’s
• Being too busy so Alex fell out of love with me
• Not being perfect
• Not being thin
• Not being a good guitar player
• Failing at my Hollywood stardom mission
• Falling asleep at the wheel while driving
• Getting in car accidents
• Masturbating in my dorm room when my roommate was asleep
• Making Gad responsible for my feelings
• Making Sam responsible for my feelings
• Being naked with Travis when I didn’t want to be
• Fornicating with Brad
• Doing sexual things with Brad that I didn’t want to do.

No boundaries.  I wrote it all out.  Every little screw-up. 

It was very difficult for me to face the fact that I had to hold myself accountable in the molestation event with Cain. I told him I would have sex with him when I had no intention of doing so. That was a very difficult thing for me to look at.  But it did teach me to let my yes be yes and my no be no. That was a tough lesson.

Step 4 is a really tough, raw, long, hard look at myself every time I do it.  It is always very enlightening, and humbling.

[1] Codependence Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous. (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.

Step 3

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.[1]

I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let him[.[2]

12-Step Slogan

I don’t have to do it alone; I can give it to God and he will do it for me. He will help me do what I can’t do for myself.  All I have to do is to pray, trust, wait, listen, and let go.  Let go and let God as the slogan says. 

What[ a relief.  God is there.  I don’t have to figure it all out. I don’t have to figure out how I could have gotten my mother to stop drinking, my father to stop screwing around, Alex to love me again, the phone to ring, insane parents to get a clue, my roommate to talk to me, or to get the scale down when I’ve been good all week. I don’t have to figure out how to be perfect, how to be lovable to others, or to myself.

I am not God and I can’t control the future.  I can’t control outcomes to suit my needs.  Things are going to happen as they are meant to happen regardless of what I do. God is in charge, I’m not. 

All I have to do is live in this moment. One day at a time. Easy does it.  Let go and let God.  Turn it over.[3] These Program slogans really work for me. 

God will help me do all these things. All I have to do is ask for help, give him my life, and let go. God will help me get my carcass in this chair to write this book when all I want to do is eat chocolate, drink red wine, and watch Johnny Depp movies.

One of Juliet’s Positive Affirmations works very well with this step:

• God has a plan for my life better than I could have orchestrated.  I give it to God and let go. 

Here’s another one:

• God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
  
  

Nothing could be finer than giving my life to God, who was, is, and will be.  Forever.

[1] Ibid.

[2] Slogan of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.

[3] Slogans of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.

Step 2

2.   Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.[1]

I have always believed in God.  I have always been a very spiritual person.  But there is a certain awareness that comes with working Step 2.  There is something very eye-opening, comforting, soothing, like taking a huge load off, that happens when I work Step 2.

Just remembering that God is there to help me is a huge help.  It is not all my fault.  I don’t have to do it alone.  God is there.  Just believing that is a huge relief.  Remembering this on a daily basis is progress for me. A light goes on. It is the light in me that is part of God.  It is the good in me that connects with him.  All good in me comes from God.  When I remember that he is there to help me, that light goes on, and the channel is opened.  He is there to help me.

Working Step 2 restores me to sanity.

[1] Codependence Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous. (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.

Step 1

1.  We admitted we were powerless over others — that our lives had become unmanageable.[1][ 

I am powerless over others. When I came to Codependents Anonymous, my life truly had become unmanageable. I was in the throws of the codependent crazies on a daily basis. When I came to CoDA, I began working Step 1. 

It was then that I realized that I am powerless over everyone and everything, including my mother’s alcoholism, my father’s rage and sexual conquests, my sister’s finances, my sister’s love life, Alex’s feelings towards me, Brad’s feelings towards me, Alex’s sexual orientation, my students’ practice habits, lost violins, nasty parents, what other people think about me, my songwriting, my musicianship, or Hurricane Irene. 

I cannot fix or control someone else. What my mother was doing to herself was not my fault. It affected me. I was living there. I was watching her destroy herself. But I had no jurisdiction over her. 

If a person with a substance abuse problem doesn’t want to stop that behavior, there is nothing I can do.

I am powerless over others. I was powerless over my mother’s drinking.

I repeat these mantras to myself:

It’s not my fault.  It has nothing to do with me.

I will let go and let God.
I will take care of myself.

I will live my own life.

I will take care of myself. Because, as Melody Beattie says in her book Codependent No More, it[  doesn’t matter what you do.  You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.[2]

As soon as I admitted my powerlessness over others, as soon as I admitted and faced the unmanageability of my life, life started to get better.  Admitting these things was Half the battle.

I write responses to the questions in the Workbook and read them to my sponsor. This helps me heal. 

[1] Ibid.

[2] Melody Beattie, Codependent No More. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1987), p. 80.