I have some Processes that I use to rid myself of my
anxieties and get myself back on the track of a productive, happy life. In the
following sections, I will present these Processes in their most basic
form. I will also present examples of
the Processes in action.
These Processes have been very helpful to me, and they are
also key to my recovery. They’re helping me to delete old, destructive patterns
of thinking and useful for building in new behaviors that work better for me.
Process One
This first Process was developed with the help of my therapist. I use this Process when I am caught up in the judgment of another person, or when I’m in the middle of the codependent crazies. It helps get me out of reaction and into the Observer. Getting out of reaction and into the Observer is my first step towards feeling better. Being in the Reactor solves nothing.
1. I consciously
breathe in and out slowly. Breathing
with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.
2. I become aware of
what I am doing.
3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain? Asking this gets me into the Observer. This awareness allows me to observe my behavior. Then I can figure out why .
5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and
information as it is.
6. I pray for acceptance of the situation.
7. I admit powerlessness over said problem.
8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings.
9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside.
10. Where can I put
my mind that is not on this? I go do
something else.
11. I have to
remember that God doesn’t make junk. I
am a beloved child of God just the way I am.
I don’t have to do anything to be okay.
I am okay just because I’m me. I
must never forget that. I am a
worthwhile person just because I exist.
12. From now on, I
will do (define solution). I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.
13. Even if I (e.g. make the same mistake again), I am still
okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.
14. I laugh at myself
and the situation. This will not matter in 50 years.
After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two.
Process
Two – Make a Plan
1. I recheck my
anxiety level. How am I feeling?
2. I breathe big.
3. What is the
information?
4. What are my
choices?
5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want.
6. I take action –
make a plan.
7. I affirm my
choice, and accept it.
8. I let it go.
9. I ask myself,
Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
10. I thank God.
11. I give it to God and don’t take it back.
12. I go do something
else.
When I’m in a hurry and don’t have time to use the above
processes, I use the Quick Fix Process below.
Process Three – Quick Fix for Getting Out of Obsession of a Crisis
1. I give it to God.
2. I thank God for handling
it and taking it off my plate.
3. I make God my real
friend, like Jesus is right next to me, helping me.
4. Every time I
obsess about it, I thank God for handling it and taking it off my plate.
5. I believe that
because I asked, my request will be answered.
Juliet’s Mantras and Additional Practices
When a situation is stressing me out, I also read my
Mantras, and I do additional Practices. They help. (These are included in a
later section.)
The additional Practices include:
Praying. I give it to God. I say, God, please help me.
Journaling. I get it all out on paper. Then I burn it.
Getting the anger out. I pound and yell or pound and grunt using a punching bag for 10 minutes.
Silent Worship. I pray silently to God and listen for His guidance for at least 20 minutes. Silent Worship is described in By the Way, You’re Going to Hell, as well as in Worship and Prayer Time.
Exercising away the stress. I do 30-40 minutes of cardio exercise.
Saying my list of positive affirmations. I may include the ones in this book or some from Louise L. Hay’s Power Thoughts Cards.
Going for gratitude. I go through my gratitude list. Add more to it. What am I grateful for?
At some point, I will go back to my Processes:
Again, I ask, where could I put my mind that’s not on this? I get back to the present moment.
I once more consider what the information is. I review my plan. I give the problem up to God. I let it go. I go back to the present.
I give it to God again.
I thank God for the assistance and whatever lesson the situation is offering.
The
Reactor and the Observer are two inhabitants of my inner self that are key to
my recovery. I have to remember who they
are so I can hang out with the right one.
I have two choices when responding to stimuli. I can observe, or I can react.
1.
An action performed or a feeling experienced in response to a situation or
event: “Carrie’s immediate reaction was
one of relief.”
2.
A person’s ability to respond physically and mentally to external stimuli.[1]
So
who is the Reactor?
The Reactor is someone
who responds to a situation or event without thinking first.
The Merriam-Webster
Dictionary
defines “observe” as:
1.
To see or sense especially through careful attention, 2. to come to realize
especially through consideration of noted facts.[2]
So who is the Observer?
The Observer is
someone who takes time to carefully assess a situation so that their response
will be better informed and more appropriate for all involved.
It is preferable to be in the position of Observer rather
than Reactor. The Reactor responds more
immediately to stimulus without taking the time to think, whereas the Observer
takes a time-out and makes a more careful choice.
It has been one of my goals to become an Observer instead of
a Reactor. I’m getting there, a little
bit at a time.
[1]
Definitions from Dictionary.com. Accessed on February 17, 2002.
[2] Merriam-Webster,
Inc., The Merriam-Webster Dictionary
(Boston, MA: Merriam-Webster, 1977), p. 632.
(But in Front of Me,
from Fearless Moral Inventory, by
Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)
Another very significant part of my recovery process has been the work I’ve done with my CoDA sponsor. I have a wonderful sponsor. I first met her at a CoDA meeting in Los Angeles before I moved back to Vermont. She is now what you would call a long-distance sponsor, as we live across the country from each other. I talk to her on the phone every week. I just finished my second trip through the 12 Steps with her.
I chose my sponsor for several reasons. First of all, she was recommended to me as a
good sponsor because she had a lot of recovery time. Secondly, I really appreciated her shares at
meetings and the authenticity with which she spoke. Thirdly, I felt like we had a lot in common
and could get along well.
I wouldn’t be anywhere without my sponsor. She is my lighthouse guiding me through the
storm of my disease. She knows the Steps
like the back of her hand and knows where one could get tripped up on
them. She is also a great listener. She is a glass is half full person and is
teaching me to be the same. That’s saying a lot too because I have always been
a glass Half empty kind of a person.
I wrote In Front of Me
about how I could see things in my life from the glass is Half full not Half
empty perspective. The sometimes, dreary
Vermont winter scenery served as the inspiration for this song.
I work the Steps, answer the Workbook questions, and read
the answers to my sponsor. I will continue to do this work with my sponsor as
part of my recovery program.
There are very informative booklets on sponsorship that are
available at local meetings and at www.Coda.org.
12.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to
carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in
all our affairs.[1]
I work Step 12. I do
my part to be of service to other codependents.
Right now, this involves hosting an online CoDA meeting once a week.
This involves not only hosting the meeting, but typing and posting the topics,
and answering emails.
Being of service helps me work my Program. It helps keep me on track. It is through my work with others that I keep
working on myself, looking at myself, and building in new behaviors that work
better for me and others.
I have had a spiritual awakening as a result of working this
Program. I am truly closer to God. I am a healthier person. I am more whole, more complete, less stressed
overall. I am a better person. I have
more of God in me and less of darkness.
Okay, darkness isn’t what I really wanted to say there. I
wanted to say Satan, but I’m afraid people will freak out. But the heck with it. I believe Satan exists. There is darkness and
evil on this planet, and he is the source of all of it. He doesn’t want us to be closer to God. He wants us to live in doubt and fear and
pain. He wants us to follow him.
My obsessiveness, compulsiveness, depression, shame, and
self-loathing all lead me down his path of destruction. I need to keep on God’s Path. And when I go
down Satan’s Road, I realize I’ve taken a wrong turn and turn around. I recognize where I am, go in a different
direction. And next time, I’ll choose a God’s Path.
God is with me.
And I work my Program by working with others. I listen to
others at meetings. God talks to me
through them. I am grateful.
I give back. I
learn. God is great.
Then I start the process all over again with Step 1. The
cycle continues. With every time through
the Steps, I learn more about myself. I
grow closer to God. Good stuff. I am grateful.
Thank you, God.
[1] Codependence
Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous.
(Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.
[2] Slogan
of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.
11.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God
as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the
power to carry that out.[1]
My worship time is the most important part of my day. I sit in silent worship for 20 minutes every day. I pray and I listen. Prayer is asking God for things. Meditation is listening. Pray, wait, listen, let go. Every day I sit at my altar and listen for
God’s will.
Saint Paul said we should pray without ceasing. I try to do that. I try to have God with me in my consciousness
at all times, especially when I’m teaching.
I have been known to turn around and pray to God during my
teaching. God please help me because I can’t do this alone. I don’t know what to
do God, please help me.
I ask only that God’s will be done in situations. Either that, or I might say, “Dear God, if it’s your will I pray,…”
then whatever it is. Or I might say, “I pray that such and such be done to the
highest good of all involved.” God
has a plan and it’s the best plan. I
just have to listen and do as he asks. I
need him to give me the power to do everything. I am clinging to him as I write
this to get me to sit in this chair and spit this out. It is very, very difficult. I have no power at all without God. He is everything to me.
Juliet’s Positive
Affirmations that relate to this Step include:
All good in me comes from God.
It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.
10.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted
it.[1]
I try to do a Step 10 every morning when I
wake up.
“What do you want me to do today, God?”
I try to do a Step 10 every night when I’m lying in bed.
“Did I do what you
wanted me to do today, God?”
These phrases are typed on signs that hang near my bed. I read them before I turn out the light. I think about the day and think of things
that I did that weren’t good for me or someone else. This is usually a very long list. Then I correct the situation.
For example, sometimes I make students responsible for my
feelings. This doesn’t serve them or
me. They’re just kids after all. So when I realize I’ve done this, I apologize
to them. I said the following to a student once.
“I was having a bad
day last week and I’m afraid I expressed frustration to you when it wasn’t your
problem. I’m sorry about that. I was
wrong.”
Another situation in which I had to admit I was wrong was
the situation with Melba Toast. I should have taken her outside by herself to
talk to her, instead of talking to her in front of the whole class. I was wrong.
I have not admitted this to Melba.
Perhaps I should now, even if it is a year after the fact. I will turn the situation over to God.
Students really respect me more when I am willing to admit that I am
wrong. They trust me more.
It’s also wrong for me to answer the phone after 8:00 pm when I’ve vowed to set a boundary about that. The stated boundary is that the phone gets turned off at 8:00 pm. Sometimes, however, I still answer the phone after that time. And I get mad at the person who is calling after eight o’clock. Then I do Step 10 and realize that I was the one who answered the phone. It’s not the fault of the person who called, it’s my fault for answering the phone. Then I vibe them out. I’m the one who broke my own boundary, not them.
This reminds me of that saying that when I point the finger
at someone I need to remember that four fingers are pointing at me.
9. Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]
I rehearsed my
amends with my sponsor. She helped me with
the wording so that it was not blaming, general enough to get the point across
and the job done, and not cause any hurt feelings. I’m so glad she was there to help me.
I made amends to my sister and to my mother. I started with Mom. We were on her canopy bed talking and I just
casually did my thing.
“Mom, I realize there were times I judged you and would say
things that were hurtful. I know now
that I was frustrated by the disease the family had and was trying to fix
everything. I realize now that wasn’t my
job. I’m sorry about that.” That wasn’t what I said word for word, but
that is the gist of it.
“I just assumed you understood,” Mom said.
“Your steps are very similar to AA,” she added.
With Alice, I said something very similar. We were sitting in her car. She was very nice about it.
I’m really glad I did it and I was glad when it was over.
Now I am in the middle of my second Step 9. It’s taking the form of a forgiveness list to
myself. I made a list of things I am
going to forgive myself for. Then I am
making a list of new behaviors I can plug in that will help me to not do the
things that are destructive to me. I’m working
hard on it. It’s a very long list. I read all of this to my sponsor during our
weekly phone calls.
What I’m realizing, however, is that the more I forgive
myself, the more I can forgive others.
This is especially true of my students.
The more I recognize their behaviors as ones I had growing up, the more
empathy, compassion, and forgiveness I have for them. First, I have to forgive myself for doing
those things. Then I can forgive
them. It makes things so much
easier.
I had so many people on my first amends list. These people included:
My mother
My sister
Alex
Cain
Brad.
There was also Claire from elementary and middle school (my
friend and I used to convince her she was limping on the wrong foot… and she
would switch! We were mean!!!)
Gradually this list got down to just my mother and my
sister.
My sponsor helped me with all of this. She said no way did I need to apologize to
Alex or Cain or Brad.
I would clearly need God’s help with all of this.
My list during my second trip through the Steps was much
shorter. The only person on there was
me. So I set out to make living amends
to myself by building in new behaviors and habits that would serve me better
and make me be happier and more worthy of God’s love.
7. Humbly
asked God to remove our shortcomings.[1]
It’s not about what I want,
it’s about what God wants.
Juliet’s Positive Affirmation
I read my list of defects to my sponsor. I read it every day to God and humbly ask him
to remove these shortcomings. I ask humbly because it’s up to Him, not me. Like my affirmation above states, it’s about
what he wants, it’s not about what I want.
I keep asking to have my obsessiveness
removed. I am slowly getting rid of my
obsessiveness.
I keep asking to have my perfectionism
removed. I want to learn to love myself
for who I am and realize it is okay to make mistakes. This is a very, very slow process. Some days
I win, some days I lose.
I keep asking for help in getting to bed
earlier. Some nights I do, most I don’t.
So He must not be ready for me to get rid of that.
I tie my self-worth to my weight and what I
accomplish. My self-judgment regarding weight is getting better but the process
is slow. I still tie my self-worth to what I accomplish. That is not getting better. So God must not be ready for me to let go of
that yet.
