01 Jul 2024
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RECOVERY AND THE INNER CHILD

Introduction to Recovery and the Inner Child

Inner child work is an important part of my recovery process. When something happens and it upsets me, one can bet it is because my inner child is uncomfortable. As I noted in my first book Everything Is My Fault, in the sections on Brad, my inner child knew that relationship was not good for her and she wanted to leave. My inner child is wise. I need to connect with her more often.

I will present a visioning process I engage in that helps me connect with my inner children. Along with my inner child, I also have an inner teen and an inner toddler too. The visioning process included in this book involves the inner child and inner teen but not the inner toddler. Right now, I usually only access my inner toddler when I’m swimming. I have more work to do with her.

Visioning and the Inner Children

I do visioning with my inner children. What this basically means is that I sit down and have meetings in my mind with each of them. This allows me to connect with them, which helps me understand my inner children better. This also helps me understand my feelings and behavior patterns. The process I use is as follows:

  1. I pick up my Inner Child Notebook and a pen. My Inner Child Notebook is really just a journal that I use exclusively for my inner child work.
  2. I go to the place in my home that I have designated for getting in touch with my inner child.
  3. I light a candle.
  4. I close my eyes, and wait for a child to appear.
  5. I observe what she is doing.
  6. I put myself in the picture with the child.
  7. Based on what she is doing and how she is feeling, I start talking to her.
    1. I may ask how she is, how she is feeling, what she needs, what she would like to do, what she is sad about, happy about, etc.
  8. We talk and work out what she needs and how I can give that to her.
  9. I am very supportive of her now. 
  10. I listen to her.
  11. I love her.
  12. I journal about what we talked about in my Inner Child Notebook.

Sometimes I let her write to me using my non-dominant hand.


I follow this same process with my inner teenager.

When I don’t spend enough time with my inner child, it shows. She gets upset about certain situations in my life.

My inner child knows how she feels about things. She has a temper, is really sensitive, easily hurt, wants to please, and wants people to like her. She also wants her way a lot of the time and has tantrums when she doesn’t get it. Typical kid, I guess. That is why she does what she does.

For example, I spoke in “Recovery in Friendships” about the

incident with my friend Doris and the phone call gone bad. During that interaction on the phone, my inner child was trying very, very hard to be perfect, right, lovable, and supportive. She wanted her friend to love her back. She was trying to be authentic. When her friend criticized her, my inner child felt like she got slapped in the face. She was hurt, then mad, then hurt again. She goes around in circles with it, like a dog chasing her tail.

I myself was feeling very threatened. My heart was racing and I was panicking.

Throughout the period of this incident, I went inside and spent time with my inner child. I gave her hugs. I also went swimming with her, the inner teen and the inner toddler at the YMCA and let them splash around in the water. They love to kick and use the paddle board and fins. They love the sound of the water splashing against the paddle board.

28 Jun 2024
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The Harmony in Music Helps Recovery

There are harmonic reasons that music is calming for me. I define harmony for my students as two or more notes played at the same time, or more than one note at once.

Even if the whole world is going crazy, I know that when I put on Bach, Haydn, or Handel, the five chord will resolve to the one chord or the six chord.

If I’m listening to jazz musicians, I know that the one six two five progressions (in music language, it would be written as I-vi-ii-V) are common and the blues will always be around. The five chord (V) almost always follows two minor seven half-diminished chords. (If this looks like Greek to you, in music, each note of the scale is given a roman numeral, on which a chord is built. These chords appear in certain progressions, or orders, in different types of music. These chord progressions are often predictable and reliable.)

I can be certain that Bach will always have counterpoint and fugue in his music, and Mozart will never go 12-tone on me. I will never put on Handel’s Messiah and hear a whole tone scale. (12-tone music basically consists of 12 tones picked by the author that always appear in the same order and are manipulated in a variety of ways. The whole tone scale was a six-tone scale heard in late romantic, 20th century, and jazz music.) 

Below is a journal entry from summer 2014 when I was attending a concert at Tanglewood’s Ozawa Hall: 

I just listened to the Emerson String Quartet play Shostakovich’s String Quartets 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 all in one concert. It was a long concert with two intermissions. What it taught me is that I have to write music about Zeb’s death and my experience in dealing with it. I have to write about my sadness and get it out of me. Shostakovich poured out his life in his music, pouring the sadness of his experiences into his music through sound. That is what I have to keep doing. I did that with Fearless Moral Inventory and I need to keep doing it. I will pour out my life in my book and my music and it will heal me.

I loved the Brahms right away. I heard his String Sextet in Bb major, opus 18 at Tanglewood recently. Why wasn’t everyone on their feet at the end of that performance? Maybe I’m just out of step with the rest of the planet, but I thought that the Brahms sextet was the best thing I’ve heard at Tanglewood this season. I will add his string ensemble music to my CD collection.

I urge you to beef up your listening library with pieces that refresh you spiritually.

I strongly suggest that you learn to play an instrument. Is there an instrument that you always wanted to play but never got the opportunity? Go buy or rent one and start taking lessons. It is a wonderful creative outlet.

Music is a vital part of my life. I can’t imagine living without it. How thankful I am to have ears to hear it, a heart to appreciate it, and a soul that depends on it for nourishment.

I pray that the music I sing and play will glorify God now and forever.

27 Jun 2024
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Mouse Therapy

Sometimes we need a distraction to help us forget about our problems. Otherwise, we may just get stuck and obsess about what is bothering us. So every once in a while God places something before us that we totally don’t expect, but have to deal with right in that moment. Whatever this problem is, it cannot be ignored. 


I had one such distraction happen in my life very recently. This distraction took my mind away from all of the physical pain I was experiencing. You see, I have had some physical issues recently. For one thing, my left hip disintegrated, so I had a hip replacement. This is a major surgery, requiring 8 – 10 weeks of recovery. I had to take a leave from work and it was a big deal. The pain before the surgery was unbearable. The surgery was a life saver. I felt worlds better afterwards. There was still pain to deal with, which I did, but I was much better. 

If this wasn’t enough, the tendonitis in my right shoulder decided to pay me another visit. I had experienced this one year ago at this time. This recent flare up has been very, very painful. I am still in the middle of it actually.I am getting physical therapy and doing a lot of exercises. 


Well, Saturday night rolled around and I was in a huge amount of pain. It was not quite time to take my ibuprofen again and I had already had Tylenol. Still, I persevered and did what was in front of me. One of these jobs was to turn down the bed. 

I can’t stand it, I thought. I can’t stand this pain. I am having a hard time focusing on anything else. 

Well, apparently God and the universe heard me, because as I was getting ready to move the pillows, I thought I saw something moving. 


“Oh it’s just the way the light is hitting that card on the wall,” I thought.

Then it happened again. Something was moving in my house. Pretty soon, there was the culprit – a small mouse on my pillow. Gross! What is he/she/they doing there? On my pillow? Seriously? 

It is no secret that my log cabin is a favorite habitat for critters. I have had my issues with mice, carpenter ants, carpenter bees, mealy worms, wasps, you name it. I have an exterminator on retainer. So one would think I would be fairly used to it by now and that things would be under control. I have become tolerant, but this really took the cake. 

So my furry little friend just kind of stood there for a moment, on my pillow, trying to figure out what to do. I yelled at him, which did no good whatsoever. Maybe he was deaf?

Then he started roaming. He ran under the piano, and then, to my disgust, into the kitchen. I was totally grossed out.
So I plugged in my buzzer thing that is supposed to keep mice away. I also put out a trap on the kitchen floor. He/She/They were not interested in that either. 


“Are you kidding me? Why do I have to deal with this?” I said out loud to God.  “Don’t I have enough going on with this unbearable pain and trying to live my life?”

Silence. 


Meanwhile, the mouse keeps roaming, running and stopping, not very interested in me.

Well, I gathered my courage, took a deep breath, told God and the universe how grossed out I was, grabbed the mouse in a rag, and put him outside. Good for me, I thought. Gross. Totally grossed out. 

Well, not even 30 seconds later, there he is, looking at me again. So either I missed him the first time, or there were two of them, Mr. and Mrs. perhaps. 


Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding! 

I let him run around some more.

I can’t have this, I thought. This creature can’t stay in my living space like this. If he was in the basement, at least I wouldn’t have to look at him. I could pretend he didn’t exist. But here in my space, no. Not acceptable. I have to solve this problem. 


So, once again, I grabbed the rag and, after some chasing, caught the mouse and put him outside. This time I saw him after I let him out of the rag. 

“You live out there, not in here!” I yelled at the mouse, as if he understood me or cared. 

Then I closed the door and, after expressing how grossed out I still was, heaved a huge sigh of relief. I hope that is all of them. I hope I am alone. Deep breath.

My heart was pounding as I put the dishes away. I kept breathing deeply, trying to relax. A little while later it dawned on me. I had not thought about my pain for the whole time I was dealing with the mouse. What a miracle! So perhaps God put that mouse there to help distract me from my throbbing shoulder.

I moved from frustration and panic, to acceptance and gratitude. The mouse was gone and for the moment, so was my pain. God is in control. He gives us what we need when we need it. I needed acceptance, gratitude and a lot of deep breaths. That little mouse was the path that God had me take to get me there. I am grateful. 

I have not seen my furry little friend since. I am grateful for that too. 

25 Jun 2024
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Simple

I am grateful for the simplicity God has placed in my life. I am thankful whenever I can look in the mirror and say, “Juliet is a simple person.” There are many times now when I can say that.

I am striving to live a life centered on God. I live my life for Him. I am pulling out all the stops to have everything in my life support this God-centered life.

This new, less distracted life has God at the center of my teaching, workouts, books, music, housekeeping, and service work for CoDA and Quaker Meeting. It has God at the center of my walks in the woods, trips to the store, and attendance at Weight Watchers meetings. All God, everywhere, all the time.

Living my life in this simple way, revolving around God, allows me to more easily get rid of the complexities that clutter my life. For example, since I started working my 13th Principle of Simplicity, I found that I was less likely to overbook my calendar. I stopped saying yes all the time and started saying no. This is great recovery for a complaint codependent. I also began questioning whether I really needed something, instead of just buying it automatically. I chose a simple cell phone instead of an iPhone or Smart Phone. I started throwing more things away instead of saving them on the “What If I Need It” Principle.

As I discussed in “Simplicity” (my added 13th Principle) earlier in the book, my life here at home is pretty simple technologically — at least by today’s standards. I am happy about that. Juliet is simple in her life at home.

I’m learning to be simple in my speech and communication. I try to let my yes be yes and my no be no without miles of explanation. This fits into the Quaker testimony of simplicity very well, as they believe in simplicity of speech. I practice this in all of my communication, but especially in Quaker Meeting, where I am the most successful at it.

I am also practicing simplicity in my personal life by making the decision to be celibate and devote my life to God. This makes my life less complicated, especially since I am an outer-focused codependent. Let’s get the gorilla out of the room. This act of simplicity has brought more serenity to my life than I ever could express.

Juliet is becoming a simple person. I look ahead to a simple, God-centered life.

I will do this with God’s help. I am grateful for his grace and l0ve.

24 Jun 2024
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The Giver

I am a charitable person. I give freely to others. I give to those in need without expecting anything in return. This is one of my positive character traits.


I give to others in many ways. One way is giving through organizations. I give financially to many charities that I care deeply about. I give food to my local food bank once a month. I give my time to my Quaker Meeting through service at many levels. I give my time to CoDA through my home group and higher service levels.


I also give to individuals in many ways. I give through listening, smiling at people in the hallway, holding the door for them, and making eye contact. Some of these people are people I know, but many are people that I don’t know. I give to the clerk behind the counter at the coffee place by making eye contact, smiling, saying hello, and asking them how they are. If a colleague forgets their lunch, I offer them some of mine. If a friend is cold, I offer them my sweater. If a friend needs a lift and I’m available, I give them a ride. I give to the road crew by smiling when I drive by instead of grumping at them. (Yes, despite my previous complaints about traffic, I am often able to do this!) I hope it helps them and I know it makes me feel better.

I have also been known to help out my students and their families, even during my off-hours or during summer. For example, there is a family in Pittsfield that has had one child or another in my orchestras for several years now. During this span of years and even after the children were out of my classroom, I would go out of my way to help the family when they needed it. For example, there were a couple of times that one of the children, we’ll call him Greg (not his real name), needed to have the chin rest on his violin replaced and then adjusted. I met with the mother a couple of times, once at my place of work and once at their home. I gave my time to them, without expecting anything in return. (I actually did receive coffee and cookies, which were wonderful!) The profit I received from this experience came in the form of gratitude, warmth, and friendship. It was well worth it.

These things may seem small, but they’re important. They are all examples of me being of service to others in a small way, giving for the sake of giving. Being charitable is vital to me because it helps me grow spiritually. It is the God in me reaching out to the God in others. I am aware that all of the charity that comes out of me is God’s doing. All good in me comes from God. How cool of God to allow good to come through me to others. I am grateful and humbled by His mercy and grace.

20 Jun 2024
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Spiritual


As this book, my first book, and my music attest, I am a very spiritual person. My spirituality is a huge part of my life. God is everything to me.

Being a spiritual person keeps me focused on what is real, right, and true for me. It keeps me from getting caught up in this materialistic world. It keeps me pointed towards God and away from Satan.

Living in a constant state of prayer makes it easier to let God live through me and live my life for me. Then comes holy obedience. This means doing what God wants, not what I want. What He wants is the best thing for me. It is what needs to happen.  

In “The Principles,” the section on “Making Contact (Spirituality)” describes in very nice detail my spiritual practice, how it works, and how much it means to me.

I owe my spirituality to God. He is the one who put it there. How grateful I am that He is sovereign over my life and that He has a plan for me. All I have to do is listen, trust, obey, and let go. My relationship with Him has made me happier than I ever thought I could be.

I am so grateful for my spirituality. I can’t imagine living any other way.

19 Jun 2024
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The Hard Worker

Having addressed my persistence quite thoroughly in the “Perseverance” section of “The Principles,” it is clear to see that I am a persistent, diligent, hard-working person.

My workaholism has also been well-defined throughout this book as one of my defects of character. I have defined my workaholism as a defect of character and it is. But diligence, when taken in the proper dosage, can be seen as a positive character trait.

I’ve always been a hard worker. I come from a family of hard workers. We were always a very productive bunch of folks.


I also come from a family of list makers. We were always big on making lists. I still make lists to this day. I make a “to do” list every week. It is usually three pages long and includes everything I have to do for the week from journaling, worshipping, working out, to CoDA meetings, Quaker meetings, and lists of things for my job. I never get everything checked off on the list, but I sure try hard. The end result is that I’m very productive and I feel good about that. I like that about myself. Juliet gets things done. Good for her.

I work hard at learning the violin, viola, cello, and guitar, writing books, writing music, and teaching. I find great fulfillment in all of these activities.

I am a very hard working teacher. I labor over every detail of my lesson plans until they are just right. I try to make the lessons fun, informative, and engaging, while striving to provide a comfortable, friendly learning environment. I try to greet them with a friendly hello and a smile when they come in the door. I try to encourage them to work hard, do their best, enjoy the music they are making and the process of learning. As stories in other parts of this book have revealed, I am not perfect at this. Teaching is a difficult profession. I try very hard and do the best I can.

This hard work in the classroom has paid off for me. I have a cello student that we’ll call Curt (not his real name). Curt has been one of my students for three years. He’s one of the most enthusiastic students I’ve ever had. He is in my music room practicing and learning every chance he gets. He is very appreciative of all of the instruction he has received from me. I have received many kind notes of gratitude and gifts from him and his family. Curt is off to middle school now and I’ll miss him. How grateful I am to have had the privilege of teaching him. This student’s success in music is the result of his passion and hard work, combined with well-delivered instruction, a comfortable learning environment, and lots of encouragement. If the instruction lacked planning and inspiration and the setting was consistently uncomfortable, I doubt that the outcome would have been the same. This diligence has been worth it.

I work hard for my Quaker Meeting and my CoDA Fellowships (in this setting, I am using fellowships to encompass all of the different CoDA groups I am involved with). This work is worth it as it feeds my soul. I am growing spiritually as a result of this work and thus I feel better about myself.


I work hard building and maintaining a close relationship with God. This is worth more to me than words can express. It is everything to me.

My diligence has produced good things in my life. I am very happy about this.

I like the part of me that is a hard worker. I just have to stop tying my self-worth up in what I accomplish. Binding my self-worth to my work only feeds my workaholism.

Taking the self-worth piece out of the equation will defuse the part of me that turns my diligence into workaholism. I have humbly given God this defect of character. He will take it away when He is ready to do that. In the meantime, I keep working my program. I give that to God too. It works if I work it.

18 Jun 2024
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Forgiving

I am a much more forgiving person than I used to be, thanks to program. I can actually put this character trait in the positive list. What a pleasure it is to be able to do that. It has taken a lot of hard work to be able to get to this place of forgiveness.

Thanks to program, I am now able to release the anger, resentment, and blame that I feel towards someone or myself for a wrong that has been done against me. I can now let it all go and move forward.

Now I need to qualify this. I can release the anger, resentment, and blame provided I work my program and the steps on the issue first. I do this along with the work I outlined in the “Forgiveness” section of “The Principles.” This enables me to come face-to-face either with what I’ve done to a person or what I think the person has done to me. Then I can make amends and make a commitment to change my behavior as is appropriate to the situation at hand.

I forgive Doris for not accepting my amends. I forgive her for thinking and speaking negatively about me. I forgive her for everything I think she has done to me.

I forgive myself for not being perfect in this friendship. I forgive myself for judging myself for not being available to her 24 hours a day. I forgive myself for calling myself selfish for not being available 24/7 when I was really just taking care of myself. I know I did the best I could with this friendship. That is all I can expect from anyone, including myself.

Thus I am learning forgive myself. I am trying to learn not to be so hard on myself. Being hard on myself does not serve me. I am learning to forgive others because I’m learning to forgive myself. It all starts with me.

Working my program has allowed me to put that bag of bricks of resentment down and feel the freedom that comes with true forgiveness. It feels great and is God-given. I am grateful.

15 Jun 2024
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Willing

I am very thankful for the willingness God has placed in my heart to follow this program of recovery. I am very grateful for the willingness He has placed in my heart to follow Him and do His will. Not only am I willing to follow and serve Him, but I yearn to follow and serve Him. That is a gift from God.


I am willing. What a wonderful positive character trait this is for my list. I am willing to follow and serve God. I am willing to do my step work, go to meetings, be of service in CoDA at the local and regional levels. I am willing to journal, worship, work out, pound and yell, read my bible, connect with my inner child, read my step work to my sponsor, and work with my therapist. I am willing to experience all of the good that comes from working this program.

I am willing to face the challenges that this program offers, because I know at those tough times that recovery is just around the corner. If there weren’t challenges, we would have nothing to face. I am willing to face them. I may not even see the results right away on something I am working on in the program. That is when I need to practice humility, knowing that I am on God’s timing, not my own, and He knows best. Then I need to accept His timing as being the best timing that could happen to me now. Then I have to practice patience until such a time that I see recovery start to happen. And it will happen. The fact that it has already happened in so many areas reassures me, plus I have my strong trust in God.

In being willing to face the challenges, I admit that I am willing to fall down and skin my knees once in a while. I may have fallen down with Connie in “Keeping My Eyes on Christ,” Veronica in “Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Rejection,” and Louis in “Don’t React in the Classroom.”  The good news is that I was willing to get back up and try again. Try again I did. The scars on my knees have healed and I have come away with new game plans, such as my wonderful Process Four:

  • Don’t take it personally.
  • Don’t react.
  • Stick to business and just teach music.
  • Think before you speak.
  • This too shall pass.
  • Let it go.

I had to be willing to listen to God to receive this process, which I did. Then I had to be willing to practice it, which I also did. I am forever grateful. This process has been very, very helpful to me, especially in my teaching life.

Thanks to this process, the story with my student Veronica has a happy ending. Veronica remained in orchestra for the rest of the year and we continued our lessons together. (Her class schedule was complicated and thus I found a time to teach her privately.) I practiced my Process Four faithfully during our lessons and it really paid off. Our lessons were focused and productive. She did a great job on the orchestra music and did a fantastic duet with me. I was very proud of her. At the end of the concert, her mom came up to me, gave me a big hug and smile, and took my picture with Veronica. I echoed their enthusiasm and told Veronica’s mom how proud I was of her daughter’s performance. It was a great ending to my evening. I was humbled and grateful. None of this would have happened if I had not been willing to follow my process and change my behavior.

I am willing to change, grow, accept, surrender control, work hard, and admit when I’m wrong. Whenever I’m not willing, I pray for the willingness to be willing. I also make use of my mantras, positive affirmations, and additional practices as outlined in the “Willingness” section in “The Principles.” The more I do this work, the more willing I become. This is recovery.

08 Jun 2024
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Humble

I think I am a pretty humble person. Just saying that probably takes me out of the humility mode, but it’s true. I add humble to my list of positive character traits. I know that I am not better than anyone else. I don’t have all the answers and I’m not in charge. God is in control and I am here to do what he wants me to do. There is a God and it is not me.


I think my recognition of God as the ruler of my life is the key idea that keeps me humble. Humble and secure. I know He is in charge and knows all. He is not only all powerful, but super smart. It would be pretty scary to think that I had placed my life in the hands of a being that didn’t know anything. God forbid. Thank heavens that is not the case.

I start at the top of the ladder with God as the king of my life. Then I instantly know that I am not in that spot. I must follow him and do his will.


I try to follow this pattern with all of the leadership in my life. The leaders in my life are there for a reason. I humble myself before the administrators that lead me in my teaching job and do as they ask. They know how to do their job better than I do and I need to do my best to follow them.

In a previous section on pride, titled “I’m Not My Job,” I discussed a situation in which I was asked to teach a child music notation in a way consistent with the local music school’s and a parent’s wishes. In this case, I put aside my bruised ego, humbled myself, and did my best to teach the child letter names as I was asked to do. It wasn’t about me, it was about the student. I wanted to do what was best for the her.

This humbling act benefited me and the student greatly. At the end of the year, this student wrote me one of the nicest “thank you” notes I have ever received. In this note, she thanked me for teaching her how to play the viola. She also stated that she never would have played the viola if it wasn’t for me, that I’m very good at teaching her, and she is sad to not be studying with me anymore. I was moved to tears by this beautiful note. I have it framed on my wall. I will remember this beautiful student always.

I also humble myself before the authorities of law and government. They are clearly in charge and sit above me on the authority ladder. I need to follow their rules and guidance. Thank heavens I live in the wonderful United States of America where I can say that in comfort. God bless the freedom and safety I was born into in the United States. I am grateful to live in a country where I can practice my religion and not be tortured or killed for it. I live in a country where I can openly say that I am a Christian Quaker and I humbly follow God. Thanks be to God for this gift.

I will continue working my program to become more humble. I am thankful for the humility I have been able to acquire through my hard work, but I still have more work to do in this area. My mantras, positive affirmations, additional practices, and work on the principles will continue to help me with my humility.

Thank you God for helping me to be more humble.