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I began writing this song in 2014 when I was grieving over the illness and death of my brother-in-law, Zeb, who died of brain cancer. I finished writing the song while I was on vacation in Maine. I had been deep in prayer, reading scripture and writing songs. It is an earnest, heartfelt prayer to the Lord that incorporates my deepest feelings, yearnings and various scriptures, mostly from the psalms, that speak to my condition. 

In bridge one I write about how sometimes I feel like I’m praying, meditating and talking to God and He doesn’t seem to answer. Some have called this The Dark Night of the Soul, as written by St. John of the Cross. It is reported that Mother Theresa also experienced this silence from God. 

The second B Section gives reference to different defects of character that might hinder my ability to hear and follow God, and also could affect my ability to show love to my fellow man. 

Singing this song always feeds and soothes my soul and brings me back to the idea that, no matter what, I will strive to keep God as the number one focus of my life. 

Heal Me

Verse 1:

Heal me, free me

Tell me a story I can believe

Teach me, show me,

I cannot make it alone

Verse 2:

Save me, keep me

Hide me in the shadow of your wings

Fill me, complete me

This emptiness eats me alive.

B section:

I can’t make it alone

I need you on your throne

Reveal your path for me

I need for you to lead.

Verse 3:

Trust me, show me

Hear me and answer my prayer

Rise up and free me

The enemy he bares.

Verse 4:

Forgive me all my sins

Cleanse me from my evil ways

Have mercy, be with me

Protect my tender heart.

B Section:

Heal me from this pain

Save me from my shame

Fill me with your love

Forgiveness from above

Bridge 1:

Why can’t I hear your voice?

For you are my choice

Come and light the way

With me always stay

 Verse 5:

Alone

is where I am

when I leave God out of my life

My day,

My hour,

My minute.

B Section:

Nestled in your arms,

I am free from harm,

My ego you erase

Rage gone without a trace.

Bridge 2:

I give up all control

As you read from your scroll

I know I must obey

And you’ll show me the way.

Completed 6/19/19

 Copyright 2020 all rights reserved.

I wrote this song several years ago when I was living in Los Angeles. I was driving home after playing a gig at the Hollywood Holiday Inn in Hollywood. We played in the restaurant and lounge on the top floor of this hotel. This hotel was round and the restaurant had a section that rotated so folks could see the panoramic view while eating and not have to get up from their seat.

Anyway, I was driving home at about 1:30 in the morning when I noticed that the streets were unusually quiet. There was no one around at all, except for a homeless man begging on the corner and talking to himself. It is really rare for this busy city to be that quiet. There is always someone around, whether it be a policeman, folks walking the streets or the man with the strange, lit up hat who gets tourists to pay him to take his picture. On this particular night there was no one out. No one but the homeless man. So I wrote this song about it.

I also incorporated into these lyrics my Quaker method of silent worship. Quakers, or the Religious Society of Friends, believe in a one to one relationship with God. We each have that of God living inside of us. We call it the Inner Light, but it also has other names. We can contact that Light, by engaging in Silent Worship, or Waiting Upon the Lord. Others may call it meditation. We listen for what God has to say to us.

So on this quiet Hollywood night, I contact the Light Within, or God, to receive Guidance for my journey. I present some struggles I am having to God, and listen for answers. In the end I resolve to keep listening to and following Him.

Please listen to the song again with these thoughts in mind and view my lyrics below.

I hope you have enjoyed this blog entry. I invite you to visit my You Tube channel and also my website at www.hiddenangel.net, where you can purchase my books, CD’s and audio books, view my lyrics, contact me, and offer your views of this work.

Have a great day.

Listen to the Silence

The streets are quiet tonight

There must be somethin’ goin’ on

There’s an old man beggin’ for life

To no one at all.

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

The streets are quiet tonight

And I’m feelin’ so alone.

The old man finds a place to sleep

He prays the Lord his soul to keep

He mocks the wine and holy host

Father son and Holy Ghost

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

There’s a light on out there somewhere

There’s a symphony to the soul

Listen it just might tell us which way to go

And now with fog in the streets

Clouding my way, making my heart race

Look at us baby, where are we goin’

Are we ever gonna get out of this place

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen it just might tell us what’s goin’ on

Where to go from here

Where to stop from here

Where to turn from here

When to leave here

Where to go from here

Where to go from here

Words and Music by Juliet A. Wright,

Copyright 1991 all rights reserved

Hi, my name is Juliet and I am a recovering codependent. This website is not affiliated with any 12-step program. 

I have many, many codependent characteristics, also known as defects of character, that do not serve me well. Today I find myself engaging in many of them. Here is some of the negative self talk that is buzzing around my busy head at the moment:

1. I judge myself harshly as never being good enough.
2. What others think of me is always right and I am always wrong.
3. I determine my self worth from the opinions of others.
4. I determine my self worth from what I accomplish in a day.
5. I take everything personally.
6. I don’t take criticism well.
7. I am a mistake.

Here is what happened that made these defects of character raise their ugly heads. It sounds very silly to be speaking of this incident, but it happened and I felt bad, so here goes. You know how Facebook lets you know when your friends have birthdays? Well a friend of mine had a birthday, so I clicked on the button to say happy birthday. Well, you know how Facebook, and seemingly every other computer app for that matter, likes to predict what you are going to write and fills it in for you? (Completely annoying). Well, that happened and before I knew it, I had written the wrong person’s name in the slot and sent it. And it appeared that there was no going back. I couldn’t change it. Nor could I respond in that context. Happy Birthday and get out. That’s it. Please leave. Fine. So I sent a message to my friend explaining myself, apologizing and wishing them, once again, to have a nice birthday.

Well the bad news is that my error is still up there on his birthday list for the world to see. And the person whose name was accidentally written in there saw it, wrote to me and corrected me, saying “It’s not my birthday, it is So and So’s birthday.. Sigh. I’m like “I know that. I pressed send too quickly and the auto fill messed me up.”

Then I felt dumb, less than.

I am not good enough. Another codependent characteristic.

Silly right? I am aware these are not really problems. The world is full of a deadly virus, prejudice and racial injustice continue to poison this country, and the leadership is completely oblivious to anything having to do with reality.

But, this is my reality. I am a codependent. And incidents like these open up old wounds. The old tapes start playing and my inner critic, who is really my father living inside my head, starts telling me all of those lies over and over; you are not good enough, you are less than, stupid, you hurt peoples feelings, you are ugly, reminds me of every mistake I have ever made in the past….. Oh he goes on and on. It is not fun.

So, how to I get my head back on straight and back into the arms of recovery?

Here are the tools I use to make a plan and fix to the situation in my head:

1. I breathe deep.
2. I become aware of what is going on in my body, feelings and brain. My heart is racing, I have that familiar ache in my gut when I am really, really sad and my brain is telling me that I am dumb, stupid, less than. Plus my inner critic is telling me I hurt someone’s feelings. So now I’m really bad.
3. I ask myself, what is the information? I made a mistake.
4. I breathe in and out deeply again.
5. I give it to God. Please God, take this off my plate.
6. I make God my real friend, like Jesus is right next to me, helping me.
7. I say my positive affirmations, which I know to be true:
   • It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
   • I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake.
   • What other people think of me is none of my business.
   • Other people’s actions, moods and opinions of me have nothing to do with me.
   • Let it go.
   • Turn it over.
   • Breathe.
   • Easy does it.
   • Just relax.
   • Trust God and do the next right thing.
   • I can’t God can, I think I’ll let Him.
8. I say to myself, “Where can I put my attention that is not on this?”
9. I remember that God will show me what to do and when to do it. He will also reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it.
10. I breathe in and out.
11. I go do something else, that makes me happy.

And if my obsessiveness kicks up again, the hamster is on the wheel and my mind is chewing on this situation and every mistake I’ve ever made, again, I say my positive affirmations once more and redirect it to what I am doing.

This process works for me and as a result I am leading a much happier life. Maybe it will work for you too.

I hope you have enjoyed this narrative. I would like to invite you to visit my website store, at www.hiddenangel.net, where you can explore the books and CD’s I have for sale under Hidden Angel Publishing and Hidden Angel Records.

Have a nice day!

The Processes

Introduction

I have some Processes that I use to rid myself of my anxieties and get myself back on the track of a productive, happy life. In the following sections, I will present these Processes in their most basic form.  I will also present examples of the Processes in action.

These Processes have been very helpful to me, and they are also key to my recovery. They’re helping me to delete old, destructive patterns of thinking and useful for building in new behaviors that work better for me.

Anti-Anxiety Process

Here is the Anti-Anxiety Process in action as it relates to Mom possibly getting kicked out of Hanover Terrace, the fancy assisted living facility she stayed in briefly in 1999. This was only a few months after her and Dad’s accident and she had just, once again, gotten out of rehab. This incident is described in my “Have Another Drink” chapter of my first book. This is a step-by-step look at what was going on in Juliet’s brain during this whole thing. 

The key here is that I needed to observe, not react. So I plugged into my process for getting into the Observer, getting out of reaction mode, and dealing with the resulting anxiety. 

1.  I get into the Observer by asking myself: What’s going on in my body, feelings, brain?

2. I observe what’s going on in these three areas and take note of my answers.

My body: My heart is racing. I’m sweating and starting to breathe heavy.

My feelings: I am feeling panicked like there is a crisis.  I am upset, disappointed, sad, angry, and panicked all at once.  Later this becomes resentment.  Here I am away from my home and my husband trying to clean up this mess, and all Mom can do is drink? She’s not supposed to be drinking at all, especially not there.

My brain: My brain is saying I did something wrong. 

3.  I breathe in and out and few times. 

4. Pray.  Give it to God.  Say, “God, please help me.”

5. I remind myself of what the truth is: The reality is that I know this is not true.  This is not a reflection of me.  It is Mom’s stuff.  Still, it affects me.  But it doesn’t have to.  I can leave her there. But not if they kick her out. Then what the heck am I going to do with her? (Confusion)

6.  I breathe big again.

7.  What’s the information?  Mom is drinking again.

8.  What are my choices for handling this? I can freak out, which is useless, or give it to God and let go.

9.  Hold outcome in the Light of God, meditate, give thanks, visualization. 

9.  Take action – make a plan. 

10.  Affirm choice, accept it.

11.  Let it go. I will let it go.

It never serves me to get freaked out and overly emotional about things, especially if they have nothing to do with me.

Wright, Juliet Everything is My Fault – One Woman’s Journey Through Codependency, Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012.

I had a really hard time on the treadmill this morning. My legs and left knee were aching. The fanny pack was sliding down my shorts so I couldn’t reach the tissues for my nose which was running like Niagara Falls. I wanted a drink of water so I tried to adjust the incline, but I hit the speed button instead, twice, once at a seven and once at an eleven. How do you think that worked out? I am not a Boston Marathon runner. I’m trying to keep up with the treadmill, on an incline, holding on tight, which is hurting my already sore shoulders, that were injured months ago hauling wood. It’s hard to do the treadmill on an incline while trying to read Conversation with Christ and The Language of Letting Go. Let go? I’m trying not to fall off this blasted thing! My fanny pack is threatening to fall off completely. So, it gets moved in punishment to hang on the handle bar of the treadmill and if I reach in there I’m going to probably fall on my face.  So, of course, this is the perfect moment for my heart rate monitor, with its brand-new battery, to stop working. Now I don’t know how many calories this torture is burning. This just isn’t fair! So pretty soon I’m having a meltdown like Winona Ryder when Whoopie Goldberg throws her in the ice-cold bathtub in “Girl Interrupted.” She starts screaming “this is a fascist torture chamber!” I’m just trying to get my work out done for heaven’s sake!

I do have a choice. I could just stop and not do it. Let’s instead, however, put those 12 step principles into practice. I am determined to persevere and get my hour in on the treadmill.  So, what do I do? I make a note of my anger outburst level, which was an 80 and mark it down to tell my sponsor later, as I have been tracking my anger. What do I do with that energy? I put in Cloudburst Flight by Tangerine Dream and I keep going.  17 minutes to go.

I am now reading in Conversations with Christ by Douglas Gwyn while walking. “Is there a situation that you have handled differently than you usually would? Has the problem or situation been changed by your action? If so, how? Has the action changed how you see yourself? If so how?”

Well, yesterday my ProTools software decided it was going to declare a large portion of my audio book files missing, leaving huge gaps in my audio book chapter clips. The feeling I had was fear. All of that work, gone. I had taken extra care to save these files in 3 different places. They were fine when I left them. Now they are gone. I was scared but I didn’t get angry and I didn’t freak out. I tried calmly to find these files. Thanks be to God that my audio book is done. I need these files, but I don’t need them right this minute. I can take the mp4’s, upload and splice them as I need to do that. Not ideal.

The good news is that I walked away. I didn’t have a meltdown or rage attack. That is progress. I went and did my Ohio State String Teachers Workshop work. I need to talk to technology at Avid, but don’t have time now and won’t do so until I’m calm. Something is wrong with the template I am using. I need a new template. Let it go, Juliet. Let go. Go do something else. I walked away. Yay me.

Getting back to Douglas Gwyn’s passage, he encourages us now to search for a scripture within our hearts that speaks to our condition. Is there one? Yes:

Be still and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10.

Bring Christ in your vision. What do you imagine he is saying to you?

Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. Let go. Let go.

God is going to reveal each step when I need to hear it. I am not going to know right now. It’s all going to be all right. I just have to live in the moment and in the spirit and not get all bunched up. He will take of me. Listen, be present. Give thanks to God.

There goes the nose again. I’m late for Quaker meeting!

I rush into my office and sit down at the computer with hair dripping wet from a lightning fast shower, yogurt/pumpkin concoction and coffee in hand. I sit down, I close my eyes, I breathe. Just breathe. Just relax. Let go. As I sit in my chair and worship begins, the sweat on my brow accompanies me, adorning my face and landing on my shirt. Mozart’s Requiem Mass blasts in my head. I breathe in and out. My nose begins to run. Again.

Written by Juliet A. Wright

July 12, 2020

All rights reserved

Process for Getting Out of a Judgment Received by a Family Member

In the example below, I had just been judged by Mom for eating part of that quesadilla  that I discussed earlier in “My Relationship With Mom” chapter.  Here is the process I used to get me back into the Observer.

1.  I get into the Observer by asking myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, brain?

2. I observe what’s going on in these three areas and take note of my answers.

My body: My heart is racing. I’m sweating and starting to breathe heavily. My face is flushed.

My feelings: I am feeling scared, then sad, regretful, then full of shame.

My brain: My brain is saying I did something wrong. 

3.  I breathe in and out and few times. 

4.  My conditioned response is to feel guilty.  I observe it but don’t give it any energy.

I change the habit by stepping back.  Time out!!!! Breathe in and out again.

5.  I observe what is being asked of me.  What does she want?  (To make me responsible for her and her feelings, to tell me about her.)

6.  I observe my inner response.  (Shame, self-blame, self-loathing, severe sadness)

7.  What are my choices for handling this?  (To continue to feel bad, or to realize that this is about her, not about me. These are her issues.)

8.  I make a choice for how I want to handle the situation. (Realize this is about her, not about me. Don’t take it in as blame.)

9.  I make a different choice from what she wants. (I will politely tell her to back off. This is her issue, not mine.)

10. I let go and let God.

11. I thank God for taking away the guilt, over-responsibility, and shame.

Juliet Wright, Everything Is My Fault, (Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012) p. 264-265.

Introduction

I have some Processes that I use to rid myself of my anxieties and get myself back on the track of a productive, happy life. In the following sections, I will present these Processes in their most basic form.  I will also present examples of the Processes in action.

These Processes have been very helpful to me, and they are also key to my recovery. They’re helping me to delete old, destructive patterns of thinking and useful for building in new behaviors that work better for me.

Process One

This first Process was developed with the help of my therapist.  I use this Process when I am caught up in the judgment of another person, or when I’m in the middle of the codependent crazies.  It helps get me out of reaction and into the Observer.  Getting out of reaction and into the Observer is my first step towards feeling better.   Being in the Reactor solves nothing.

1.  I consciously breathe in and out slowly.  Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment.  It gives me an automatic time-out.

2.  I become aware of what I am doing.

3.  I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain? Asking this gets me into the Observer. This awareness allows me to observe my behavior. Then I can figure out why .

4. If possible, I write down the information . 

5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is.  

6. I pray for acceptance of the situation.

7. I admit powerlessness over said problem.

8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings.

9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside.

10.  Where can I put my mind that is not on this?  I go do something else.

11.  I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk.  I am a beloved child of God just the way I am.  I don’t have to do anything to be okay.  I am okay just because I’m me.  I must never forget that.  I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.

12.  From now on, I will do (define solution).  I will pray and give it to God too.  He will help.

13.  Even if I (e.g. make the same mistake again), I am still okay.  I’m still a good person.  I am a beloved child of God.  I can always talk to God about it.  He’ll help me.

14.  I laugh at myself and the situation. This will not matter in 50 years. 

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two.

Process Two – Make a Plan

1.  I recheck my anxiety level.  How am I feeling?

2.  I breathe big.

3.  What is the information?

4.  What are my choices?

5.  I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want.

6.  I take action – make a plan.

7.  I affirm my choice, and accept it. 

8.  I let it go.

9.  I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this? 

10.  I thank God.
11. I give it to God and don’t take it back.

12.  I go do something else.

When I’m in a hurry and don’t have time to use the above processes, I use the Quick Fix Process below.

Process Three – Quick Fix for Getting Out of Obsession of a Crisis

1.  I give it to God.

2.  I thank God for handling it and taking it off my plate.

3.  I make God my real friend, like Jesus is right next to me, helping me.

4.  Every time I obsess about it, I thank God for handling it and taking it off my plate.

5.  I believe that because I asked, my request will be answered.

Juliet’s Mantras and Additional Practices

When a situation is stressing me out, I also read my Mantras, and I do additional Practices. They help. (These are included in a later section.)

The additional Practices include:

• Praying.  I give it to God.  I say, God, please help me.

• Journaling.  I get it all out on paper.  Then I burn it.

• Getting the anger out. I pound and yell or pound and grunt using a punching bag for 10 minutes.

• Silent Worship.  I pray silently to God and listen for His guidance for at least 20 minutes. Silent Worship is described in By the Way, You’re Going to Hell, as well as in Worship and Prayer Time.

• Exercising away the stress. I do 30-40 minutes of cardio exercise.

• Saying my list of positive affirmations. I may include the ones in this book or some from Louise L. Hay’s Power Thoughts Cards.

• Going for gratitude. I go through my gratitude list. Add more to it. What am I grateful for?

At some point, I will go back to my Processes:

• Again, I ask, where could I put my mind that’s not on this?  I get back to the present moment.

• I once more consider what the information is. I review my plan.  I give the problem up to God. I let it go.  I go back to the present. 

• I give it to God again.

• I thank God for the assistance and whatever lesson the situation is offering.

The Reactor and the Observer are two inhabitants of my inner self that are key to my recovery.  I have to remember who they are so I can hang out with the right one. 

I have two choices when responding to stimuli. I can observe, or I can react. 

Dictionary.com defines “reaction” this way:

1. An action performed or a feeling experienced in response to a situation or event: “Carrie’s immediate reaction was one of relief.”

2. A person’s ability to respond physically and mentally to external stimuli.[1]  

So who is the Reactor?

The Reactor is someone who responds to a situation or event without thinking first. 

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “observe” as:

1. To see or sense especially through careful attention, 2. to come to realize especially through consideration of noted facts.[2] 

So who is the Observer?

The Observer is someone who takes time to carefully assess a situation so that their response will be better informed and more appropriate for all involved. 

It is preferable to be in the position of Observer rather than Reactor.  The Reactor responds more immediately to stimulus without taking the time to think, whereas the Observer takes a time-out and makes a more careful choice.

It has been one of my goals to become an Observer instead of a Reactor.  I’m getting there, a little bit at a time.

[1] Definitions from Dictionary.com. Accessed on February 17, 2002.

[2] Merriam-Webster, Inc., The Merriam-Webster Dictionary (Boston, MA: Merriam-Webster, 1977), p. 632.

But in front of me

Is the paradise I’ve searched for,

Fear it has lurked for so long.

(But in Front of Me, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Another very significant part of my recovery process has been the work I’ve done with my CoDA sponsor. I have a wonderful sponsor. I first met her at a CoDA meeting in Los Angeles before I moved back to Vermont. She is now what you would call a  long-distance sponsor, as we live across the country from each other. I talk to her on the phone every week. I just finished my second trip through the 12 Steps with her.

I chose my sponsor for several reasons.  First of all, she was recommended to me as a good sponsor because she had a lot of recovery time.  Secondly, I really appreciated her shares at meetings and the authenticity with which she spoke.  Thirdly, I felt like we had a lot in common and could get along well.

I wouldn’t be anywhere without my sponsor.  She is my lighthouse guiding me through the storm of my disease.  She knows the Steps like the back of her hand and knows where one could get tripped up on them.  She is also a great listener.  She is a glass is half full person and is teaching me to be the same. That’s saying a lot too because I have always been a glass Half empty kind of a person.

I wrote In Front of Me about how I could see things in my life from the glass is Half full not Half empty perspective.  The sometimes, dreary Vermont winter scenery served as the inspiration for this song.

I work the Steps, answer the Workbook questions, and read the answers to my sponsor. I will continue to do this work with my sponsor as part of my recovery program.

There are very informative booklets on sponsorship that are available at local meetings and at www.Coda.org.