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Step 12

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.[1]

You can’t keep it unless you give it away.[2]

12^th Step slogan

I work Step 12.  I do my part to be of service to other codependents.  Right now, this involves hosting an online CoDA meeting once a week. This involves not only hosting the meeting, but typing and posting the topics, and answering emails.

Being of service helps me work my Program.  It helps keep me on track.  It is through my work with others that I keep working on myself, looking at myself, and building in new behaviors that work better for me and others. 

I have had a spiritual awakening as a result of working this Program.  I am truly closer to God.  I am a healthier person.  I am more whole, more complete, less stressed overall.  I am a better person. I have more of God in me and less of darkness. 

Okay, darkness isn’t what I really wanted to say there. I wanted to say Satan, but I’m afraid people will freak out.  But the heck with it.  I believe Satan exists. There is darkness and evil on this planet, and he is the source of all of it.  He doesn’t want us to be closer to God.  He wants us to live in doubt and fear and pain.  He wants us to follow him. 

My obsessiveness, compulsiveness, depression, shame, and self-loathing all lead me down his path of destruction.  I need to keep on God’s Path. And when I go down Satan’s Road, I realize I’ve taken a wrong turn and turn around.  I recognize where I am, go in a different direction. And next time, I’ll choose a God’s Path.

God is with me. 

And I work my Program by working with others. I listen to others at meetings.  God talks to me through them.  I am grateful. 

I give back.  I learn.  God is great.

Then I start the process all over again with Step 1. The cycle continues.  With every time through the Steps, I learn more about myself.  I grow closer to God. Good stuff. I am grateful.  Thank you, God.

[1] Codependence Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous. (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.

[2] Slogan of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.

Step 11

11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.[1]

My worship time is the most important part of my day.  I sit in silent worship for 20 minutes every day.  I pray and I listen.  Prayer is asking God for things.  Meditation is listening.  Pray, wait, listen, let go.  Every day I sit at my altar and listen for God’s will. 

Saint Paul said we should pray without ceasing.  I try to do that.  I try to have God with me in my consciousness at all times, especially when I’m teaching.  I have been known to turn around and pray to God during my teaching.  God please help me because I can’t do this alone. I don’t know what to do God, please help me. 

I ask only that God’s will be done in situations.  Either that, or I might say, “Dear God, if it’s your will I pray,…” then whatever it is.  Or I might say, “I pray that such and such be done to the highest good of all involved.”  God has a plan and it’s the best plan.  I just have to listen and do as he asks.  I need him to give me the power to do everything. I am clinging to him as I write this to get me to sit in this chair and spit this out.  It is very, very difficult.  I have no power at all without God.  He is everything to me.

Juliet’s Positive Affirmations that relate to this Step include:

• All good in me comes from God.

• It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.

A related 12-Step slogan is:

• Not my will but Thine be done.[2]

Some 11^th Step Juliet Prayers are:

• Here I am Lord.

• I open all before thee.

I just want to do his will.  I want so much for that connection.  Always.  It’s all that matters in this life.

[1] Ibid.

[2] Slogans of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.

Step 10

10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.[1]

I try to do a Step 10 every morning when I wake up.

“What do you want me to do today, God?”

I try to do a Step 10 every night when I’m lying in bed.

“Did I do what you wanted me to do today, God?”

These phrases are typed on signs that hang near my bed.  I read them before I turn out the light.  I think about the day and think of things that I did that weren’t good for me or someone else.  This is usually a very long list.  Then I correct the situation.

For example, sometimes I make students responsible for my feelings.  This doesn’t serve them or me.  They’re just kids after all.  So when I realize I’ve done this, I apologize to them. I said the following to a student once. 

“I was having a bad day last week and I’m afraid I expressed frustration to you when it wasn’t your problem.  I’m sorry about that. I was wrong.”

Another situation in which I had to admit I was wrong was the situation with Melba Toast. I should have taken her outside by herself to talk to her, instead of talking to her in front of the whole class.  I was wrong.  I have not admitted this to Melba.  Perhaps I should now, even if it is a year after the fact.  I will turn the situation over to God.

Students really respect me more when I am willing to admit that I am wrong.  They trust me more. 

It’s also wrong for me to answer the phone after 8:00 pm when I’ve vowed to set a boundary about that.  The stated boundary is that the phone gets turned off at 8:00 pm.  Sometimes, however, I still answer the phone after that time.  And I get mad at the person who is calling after eight o’clock.  Then I do Step 10 and realize that I was the one who answered the phone. It’s not the fault of the person who called, it’s my fault for answering the phone.  Then I vibe them out.  I’m the one who broke my own boundary, not them.

This reminds me of that saying that when I point the finger at someone I need to remember that four fingers are pointing at me.

[1] Ibid.

Juliet Wright, Everything is My Fault, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012, p. 42.

Step 9

9.  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]

I rehearsed my amends with my sponsor.  She helped me with the wording so that it was not blaming, general enough to get the point across and the job done, and not cause any hurt feelings.  I’m so glad she was there to help me.

I made amends to my sister and to my mother.  I started with Mom.  We were on her canopy bed talking and I just casually did my thing.

“Mom, I realize there were times I judged you and would say things that were hurtful.  I know now that I was frustrated by the disease the family had and was trying to fix everything.  I realize now that wasn’t my job.  I’m sorry about that.”  That wasn’t what I said word for word, but that is the gist of it.

“I just assumed you understood,” Mom said.

“Your steps are very similar to AA,” she added.

With Alice, I said something very similar.  We were sitting in her car.  She was very nice about it. 

I’m really glad I did it and I was glad when it was over.

Now I am in the middle of my second Step 9.  It’s taking the form of a forgiveness list to myself.  I made a list of things I am going to forgive myself for.  Then I am making a list of new behaviors I can plug in that will help me to not do the things that are destructive to me.   I’m working hard on it.  It’s a very long list.   I read all of this to my sponsor during our weekly phone calls.

What I’m realizing, however, is that the more I forgive myself, the more I can forgive others.  This is especially true of my students.  The more I recognize their behaviors as ones I had growing up, the more empathy, compassion, and forgiveness I have for them.  First, I have to forgive myself for doing those things.  Then I can forgive them.  It makes things so much easier. 

The ninth Step is tough but very effective.

[1] Ibid.

Step 8

8.  Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.[1]

8.  Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.[1]

[1] Ibid.

I had so many people on my first amends list.  These people included:

• My mother
• My sister
• Alex
• Cain
• Brad.

There was also Claire from elementary and middle school (my friend and I used to convince her she was limping on the wrong foot… and she would switch! We were mean!!!)

Gradually this list got down to just my mother and my sister. 

My sponsor helped me with all of this.  She said no way did I need to apologize to Alex or Cain or Brad. 

I would clearly need God’s help with all of this.

My list during my second trip through the Steps was much shorter.  The only person on there was me.  So I set out to make living amends to myself by building in new behaviors and habits that would serve me better and make me be happier and more worthy of God’s love.

[1] Ibid.

Step 7

7.  Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.[1]

It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.

Juliet’s Positive Affirmation

I read my list of defects to my sponsor.  I read it every day to God and humbly ask him to remove these shortcomings. I ask humbly because it’s up to Him, not me.  Like my affirmation above states, it’s about what he wants, it’s not about what I want.

I keep asking to have my obsessiveness removed.  I am slowly getting rid of my obsessiveness. 

I keep asking to have my perfectionism removed.  I want to learn to love myself for who I am and realize it is okay to make mistakes.  This is a very, very slow process. Some days I win, some days I lose.

I keep asking for help in getting to bed earlier. Some nights I do, most I don’t.  So He must not be ready for me to get rid of that.

I tie my self-worth to my weight and what I accomplish. My self-judgment regarding weight is getting better but the process is slow. I still tie my self-worth to what I accomplish.  That is not getting better.  So God must not be ready for me to let go of that yet.

I keep asking.  I keep turning it over to him. 

Little by little, I am recovering.

[1] Ibid.

S

6.  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.[1]

I looked at all of my behaviors in my inventory. I made a specific list of my defects of character. I have 86 to date. I included everything on there from obsessiveness, fear of abandonment, compulsiveness, lust, perfectionism, and staying up too late during the week. I looked at the reasons behind those behaviors and discovered that most of the time these were survival methods I developed during my tumultuous childhood.

For example, obsessing about my father’s moods and what might keep him from exploding served a purpose in my life. When I was successful, there was peace. Any peace we could come by in our house was welcomed. 

If I could clean the kitchen just so and be perfect, quiet, not exist during the bad years of my marriage, then there might be peace, maybe even a hug. 

But now this obsessiveness was getting in the way of my happiness.  It didn’t serve a purpose.  It was making me sick and wasn’t accomplishing any objectives.  Obsessing about why Brad wasn’t calling me did not make him call me.  Obsessing about that darned missing violin did not make it reappear. All it did was make me sick.

Stuffing my feelings down with food numbed me out for a while, but the fix was only temporary. Plus, it made me fat and miserable. It doesn’t serve me to tie my self-worth up in how much I weigh.

It doesn’t serve me to tie my self-worth up in how much I accomplish.

Perfectionism made me miserable too because being perfect is impossible. 

Staying up too late during the week is pointless. All it does is make me tired and cranky. 

I realized that my behaviors were more of a health hazard than help.  I decided to try to build in new habits that worked better for me.

That leads me to Step 7.

[1] Ibid.

Step 5

5.  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.[1]

The only thing harder than doing my inventory in Step 4 was reading what I had written, admitting it to myself that I wasn’t perfect, that I made mistakes, that I was human.  Then I had to admit it to God.  If that wasn’t enough, I had to read it to my sponsor.  I had to read her those awful things, like masturbation.  I hate that. I hate that word.  I hate even thinking about it.  I had to read it to her. 

So I did.  I have read her several incarnations of two different inventories of my deepest darkest secrets, screw-ups, defects, and imperfections.  Never once has she exhibited any disgust, shock, or judgment. She has never hung up on me.  She has never told me I was going to hell.  She just listened.  She still loved me when it was over.I burned my first inventory.   My second inventory was the basis for this book[.  I still have it.  I printed it out on pretty purple paper.  My therapist says I should burn it.

Breathe in and out. It’s okay. I lived through it. I’m okay. I’m still an okay person. I’m still lovable.

[1] Ibid.

Step 4

4.  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.[1]

Writing my inventory was scary for me at first. I didn’t want to look at myself. I was so full of shame and self-loathing that I felt like it was going to be too awful to look at myself and my faults.

I’ve written my inventory more than once, and in different ways.  I have done relationships inventories, chronological inventories, behaviors and beliefs inventories, and defects of character inventories. As I described in my earlier chapter “What’s a Fearless Moral Inventory,” this book is an example of two different types of inventories, a relationships inventory and a defects of character inventory.

All of my inventories have been very insightful.  I was very brave in all of them; I wrote out everything.

This included every little sin:

• Biting the pickle and putting it back at Chief Charlies
• Telling Cain I would have sex with him when I had no intention of doing so
• Letting my father get Alzheimer’s
• Being too busy so Alex fell out of love with me
• Not being perfect
• Not being thin
• Not being a good guitar player
• Failing at my Hollywood stardom mission
• Falling asleep at the wheel while driving
• Getting in car accidents
• Masturbating in my dorm room when my roommate was asleep
• Making Gad responsible for my feelings
• Making Sam responsible for my feelings
• Being naked with Travis when I didn’t want to be
• Fornicating with Brad
• Doing sexual things with Brad that I didn’t want to do.

No boundaries.  I wrote it all out.  Every little screw-up. 

It was very difficult for me to face the fact that I had to hold myself accountable in the molestation event with Cain. I told him I would have sex with him when I had no intention of doing so. That was a very difficult thing for me to look at.  But it did teach me to let my yes be yes and my no be no. That was a tough lesson.

Step 4 is a really tough, raw, long, hard look at myself every time I do it.  It is always very enlightening, and humbling.

[1] Codependence Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous. (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.

Step 3

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.[1]

I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let him[.[2]

12-Step Slogan

I don’t have to do it alone; I can give it to God and he will do it for me. He will help me do what I can’t do for myself.  All I have to do is to pray, trust, wait, listen, and let go.  Let go and let God as the slogan says. 

What[ a relief.  God is there.  I don’t have to figure it all out. I don’t have to figure out how I could have gotten my mother to stop drinking, my father to stop screwing around, Alex to love me again, the phone to ring, insane parents to get a clue, my roommate to talk to me, or to get the scale down when I’ve been good all week. I don’t have to figure out how to be perfect, how to be lovable to others, or to myself.

I am not God and I can’t control the future.  I can’t control outcomes to suit my needs.  Things are going to happen as they are meant to happen regardless of what I do. God is in charge, I’m not. 

All I have to do is live in this moment. One day at a time. Easy does it.  Let go and let God.  Turn it over.[3] These Program slogans really work for me. 

God will help me do all these things. All I have to do is ask for help, give him my life, and let go. God will help me get my carcass in this chair to write this book when all I want to do is eat chocolate, drink red wine, and watch Johnny Depp movies.

One of Juliet’s Positive Affirmations works very well with this step:

• God has a plan for my life better than I could have orchestrated.  I give it to God and let go. 

Here’s another one:

• God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
  
  

Nothing could be finer than giving my life to God, who was, is, and will be.  Forever.

[1] Ibid.

[2] Slogan of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.

[3] Slogans of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.