In you, Lord, my God,

I put my trust.

I trust in you;

Do not let me be put to shame,

Nor let my enemies triumph over me.

~ Psalm 25; 1-2 (NIV)

I experience shame on a regular basis. Shame is one of my defects of character. I am shame-based.

To me, shame means that I feel guilty and regretful for something I’ve done to the point that I consider myself less of a person because of it. It’s a very painful emotion.

I have felt shame about several of the incidents that I have written about in this book. Examples would be the episodes with Connie in “Keeping My Eyes on Christ,” Lisa in “Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Rejection,” and Louis in “Don’t React in the Classroom.” I had shame attacks over all of those events. These shame attacks left me very grief-stricken.

I felt shame about the way I handled a call with the bank a while back. I wrote about it in “Rage.” I felt like I wasn’t nearly as nice to the representative as I could have been. So I beat myself up about it.

I wondered at the time if I should call back and apologize. However, the bank people work out of huge warehouse type situations and there are so many people working there. Plus, I didn’t remember her name. So that was kind of out.

I did tell God I was sorry and said a prayer for this person who was really trying to help me.

I was lying in bed the night after this conversation with the bank lady occurred, still filled with shame. I opened my In This Moment Daily Meditation Book from CoDA to see what it had to say.

The reading for that day basically said that I can “forgive myself for hurting others.” I can also give the situation over to God so that I can free myself from the negative feelings I have that are weighing me down. I have a choice about whether or not to communicate this to the other person in involved. “I no longer feel shame for who I am,” it read.^[1]

This was God talking to me. Of all the readings that could come up for that day, this was the one that was there. It was written there by God specifically for me. I breathed a sigh of relief. Everything is going to be okay and I am safe.

I am trying to rid myself of the defect of shame because it doesn’t accomplish anything. All it does is make me feel lousy about myself and that hurts. It serves no other purpose.

Some people say that bad feelings have a purpose. One of my bible teachers says that guilt is to the conscience what pain is to the body. It tells you there is something wrong. Okay, I buy that, but there are limits. I do or say something, then realize I shouldn’t have done it. I guess that is where guilt comes in as a signal to me that I did something wrong.

That is guilt, not shame. The shame-based person, such as myself, goes overboard from guilt into shame, humiliation, and self-loathing. At that point, the signal stops being productive.

When I do something wrong, I really get down on myself. I’m very unforgiving and judgmental of myself.

Juliet’s Feelings patterns at work here:

This is all my fault. I did something wrong.

They are right. I am wrong.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone.^[2]

I think that sometimes I get so caught up in my center of the universe complex, me first, what I want, ego, Juliet-the-driven, impatient person, that I get very easily frustrated and thus abrupt with others, like I did with the bank lady. I fear that I’m like that with my students, on occasion. There is that darned impatience again. Thank heavens I don’t beat them up the way I do myself. I hope they don’t beat themselves that way either.

It’s one thing to admit I’m wrong about something and make amends. It is another thing to hang this bag of bricks around my neck filled with shame and self-loathing and walk around with it for days. I don’t think that is what God had in mind.

The good news is that I have woken up to my tendencies on the phone with service people. I am nicer now. I just spoke with the alarm lady today and was very, very nice to her. So that is a step in the right direction.

Another step in the right direction is that I have realized that I can’t do things that annoy me. This means that if it annoys me to call a service provider, speak with someone I don’t understand, stay on hold forever, and then get hung up on, I shouldn’t do it. Likewise if I’m going to be on hold with the bank and then will have to go back and forth doing the same things over and over and not get anything accomplished except rage and resentment.

For example, I recently spent a rage-producing amount of time on the phone with a telephone service carrier. I wrote about this earlier. I was trying to get them to send me email reminders and electronic copies of the phone bill for the non-profit organization I am involved with. I am their treasurer and need the bill so I can pay it. For a number of reasons that I won’t go over here, they said they couldn’t fulfill either request. So I wrote out a reminder note for myself for each month in the coming year and put it in my “bills to be paid” clip. Now I see the note, go online, and pay the bill on the bank site. Problem solved. Desperate times call for desperate measures of self-care. Life is too short!!

Additional practices that help to me work through my shame:

• Program literature: Reading the CoDA basic text and especially the In This Moment Daily Meditation Book from CoDA gets me out of a shame spiral because they always have the perfect passage written there that I need to see at that moment. I no longer feel alone. Someone else out there has struggled with the same issues as me and has a solution. Reading the 12 Promises, 12 Steps, and 12 Traditions of CoDA really helps me to forgive myself, rediscover my sense of worth, and gets me back on program with God in the driver’s seat. Thanks be to God.
• Step work: I work the steps on whatever situation is triggering my shame attack. Then I read this step work to my sponsor. 
• Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to work through the tough times when I’m suffering from a shame attack. Following the format of the meeting, reading the literature, and listening to the shares of others is comforting. I feel less alone, less defective. 
• Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps bring me back to a place where I realize how wonderful my life is, how much I have, and how much I’ve accomplished. This helps me to realize that I am a good person and I deserve good things.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about the situation that is causing my shame attack. Then I listen to the tape and write the contents into my computer. Working the matter out in this way really helps me to become settled on the matter.  
• Give it to God: I place the person and situation that is triggering my shame into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.
• Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.
• Submission: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer, The Serenity Prayer, and My 11^th Step Prayer. In this way, I reaffirm that God is in control.
• Worship: I pray to God. I walk into His healing arms. I tell Him what is bothering me and ask for Him to heal me. I ask Him through prayer to help me feel better about myself. I listen to Him through meditation.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. In This Moment Daily Meditation Book. Phoenix, AZ: Co-Dependents Anonymous, 2006, p. 211.

^[2] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

I think one of the biggest things that has helped me overcome all of my defects, but especially my selfishness, is working the 12 Spiritual Principles and their corresponding steps.

Honesty: I become honest with myself and admit that I’m powerless over whatever the situation is, or even over my selfishness. I also have to be honest with myself about how I feel, what my needs are, and how I’m going to make sure they are met.

Faith: I have faith that God is there, that He is all powerful, and that He cares for me. I also have faith that He knows how I feel and He can help me with the situation.

Surrender: I give my life, my will, the situation, and my selfishness over to Him.

Soul searching: I do an inventory of how I’m feeling, what I’ve done in the situation, and why. If I’m being selfish in the situation, I need to recognize that. If I’m feeling depleted and need to take care of myself, I need to recognize that too.

Integrity: I tell God and my sponsor how I’m feeling, what I’ve done and why.

Acceptance: I accept myself, what I’ve done and my selfishness, if it is an active factor in said situation, as it is. If I am just taking care of myself and am justified in doing so, then I may still feel selfish because that is my habit, my training, especially if the person is opposed to me taking care of myself over them. Either way, just accepting how I feel and what’s going on is such a huge relief. Suddenly the pressure is off. I just feel better about myself, my world, and my place in it. It’s okay. I’m dealing with what is. This is me.

Humility: This is the principle that helps the most with my selfishness. There is a God, it is not me. I am not in charge. I am here to do God’s will, not my own. Then I humbly ask God to show me if I’m being selfish or just taking care of myself. I ask Him to show me what He wants me to do about it.

Willingness: I am willing to admit I’ve made mistakes, hurt people if that is the case here. I am willing to make plans to make amends, even if those amends are a change in my behavior. That counts as an amends.

Forgiveness: Then I forgive myself and others for everything that has occurred in the situation at hand. I forgive myself for whatever actions my selfishness has had on others. I forgive them for whatever it is I think they’ve done to me.

Perseverance: I keep working my program, working on myself, and do a daily inventory of my behaviors during the day. When I’m wrong, I admit it. This still is not easy for me, but I do it.

Making contact (spirituality): Worship through prayer, meditation, bible study, and a constant contact with God all help me get rid of my selfishness because I’ve placed God at the center of my life.
Service: Nothing like service work to remind me that it’s not all about me. It’s all about God and what he wants. It’s about reaching out to others in need and sharing my recovery. That is me getting out of my selfishness and into a place of compassion and care. 

Simplicity: I keep my life simple, with God at the center of my world. I live my life with clarity of purpose focused on God and what He wants, not what I want.

The principles are vital to my recovery from my selfishness. I will continue to work them and apply them to my life. Thanks be to God, I am grateful.

So let’s plug my processes in to an instance when the phone is ringing after hours and my inner critic has called me selfish.

Process One:

1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.

2. I become aware of what I’m doing.

3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain?

Body: Tense, heart-racing, muscles are clenched

Feelings: Feeling threatened, unsafe, a little angry, but guilty, shameful, bad, and selfish as well

Brain: My brain says that my boundaries are feeling violated and I need to step back and take care of myself. My inner critic, however, is labeling me as bad and selfish for not taking care of the other person. I am believing him.

4. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling. I feel guilty, shameful, bad, for being selfish. My inner critic is after me.

5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. God help me be willing to accept the situation as it is. Someone I care about is calling too late and I need to be in bed. Help me to be willing to accept that I may have to disappoint them, and take care of myself by getting some sleep.

6. I pray for acceptance of the situation. God, I am now willing. Please help me accept the fact that someone is calling too late and I may have to let them down by not answering the phone.

7. I admit powerlessness over said problem. I am powerless over what this person will think of me by not answering the phone.

8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I am willing to feel my feelings of feeling threatened, unsafe, a little angry, but guilty, shameful, bad, and selfish as well.

9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. Dear God, please heal the painful feelings I feel inside of being bad, selfish, blamed, shameful, threatened, unsafe, guilty, and a little angry.

10. I put a note in my God Box about it. Dear God, I give you the situation with this person on the phone and my feelings and the solution to the highest good of all involved.

11. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.

12. In this case the something else would be to go to sleep.

13. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.

14. From now on, I will turn off the phone at 8:00 pm and will stay away from it until morning. I will deal with the problems or issues then. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.

15. Even if I listen to the phone and feel awful or pick up too late as the critic has convinced me what a selfish person I am, I am still okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.

16. Take myself to Tanglewood: If I’m not near my picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind me to go to Tanglewood in my mind. This helps me relax.

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? Better, less sad, less panicked, more relaxed

2. I breathe big and deep.

3. What’s the information? The phone is ringing too late and I can hear it and I’m feeling selfish for not answering. The machine got it and I feel selfish for not calling back.

4. What are my choices? I can call back and be resentful and cranky about it, or I can go to sleep, wake up fresh tomorrow, and call the person back when it’s convenient for me.

5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want. God I give this situation to you to the highest good of all involved. What do you want me to do?

6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I listen for God’s guidance and directions.

7. I affirm my choice and accept it. God is telling me to go to sleep and handle the situation in the morning. There is no urgency in spirit. Seasoning things overnight is always a good plan.

8. I give it to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to Him with arms outstretched or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to Him. Thank you God for taking this off my plate.

9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?

10. In this instance, I go to bed, read for a few minutes, and turn out the light.

11. I thank God. Thank you God for taking care of me.

Now if I call the person back and then they react negatively to my not being there for them originally, a slightly modified Process Four (that I developed for my teaching life) helps me out:

• Don’t take it personally.
• Don’t react.
• Stick to business and take care of yourself.
• Think before you speak.
• This too shall pass.
• Let it go.

Selfishness and Setting Boundaries

When I think of selfish, I think of a child who has a toy and won’t let anyone else play with it. So are they selfish or are they setting a boundary? I think maybe they’re setting a b0undary, if it’s their toy. If it is a community toy, then to not share would be selfish. 

When I think of selfishness, I think of me being unwilling to share my dessert with someone. Again, boundaries need to be set here as well. I might be willing to share a few bites. But if the other person starts digging in and taking it all, then I have to stick up for myself. This happened with Brad when we were dating. We were sharing an ice cream from a Coldstone Creamery store and he thought I was getting more than he was so he set a boundary. At the time I was mad at him for it and stopped eating, but now I know he was right.

Selfishness would be me sitting in a seat on the bus while a poor elderly person or a handicapped person really needs it. But I just sit there anyway, so that I can be comfortable. I would never do that. I would always offer them my seat.

Selfishness would be me taking the last brownie and slowly eating it in front of someone else who was able to pick it up. I wouldn’t do that. I would share it.

Selfishness might be me wanting to stay home and do my work when that is the only time I have to spend with my family or a friend. I would have to make choices, set boundaries, and find a way to take care of myself and still see the person. This would be a difficult one for me. I would work on the scheduling until I found something that worked for everyone.

I think I usually take the well-being of others into account. It’s part of my nature to do that.

Codependency and Selfishness

What I’ve noticed about my codependency in relation to my selfishness is that my disease has led me to take care of others for most of my life. Most of my time on this earth has been consumed by what someone else needs, wants, and has to have. Taking care of them has been priority number one, along with feeling their feelings and being the scapegoat for whatever has gone wrong.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Feelings at work here:

• Your moods and actions are my fault.

• If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
• I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll do or be whatever you say.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
• I am less than.^[1]

Juliet’s Feelings:

• This is all my fault. I did something wrong.

• They are right, I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than.
• I am ashamed.
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
• Different from everyone.^[2]

I have focused on the needs of others so much in my life that at one point I woke up and realized I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or how I felt. Then I came to CoDA. I started learning who I was, what I liked and wanted. Most important of all, I strengthened my relationship with God. I learned what He wanted me to do with my life. So when I finally came face-to-face with who I was, who God wanted me to be and what He wanted me to do, I wanted to spend all of my time in that place doing what God wanted me to do.

By this point, my inner child had made me wake up and pay attention. My inner child was saying, “What about me, when do I matter? When do I count?”

I hadn’t had much time to answer those questions and fulfill those requests of hers, making time for her, letting her know she matters, that she counts and that what she wants is important. So in the beginning I may have been a little selfish about my self-care. I was just learning to take care of myself. I am also learning what is mine to take care of and what isn’t. That distinction is really important for me to understand and respond to appropriately.

Positive Affirmations:

• Taking care of myself is not selfish, it’s self-care and that is a good thing.
• It’s okay for me to put myself first.
• Juliet deserves good things.
• Juliet matters.
• Juliet deserves to be happy, even when someone else isn’t.
• Juliet deserves to take time off without feeling guilty, even if someone else is busy or working.

The good news is that as long as I follow my process, I can defuse the feelings I identified above and get all that negative stuff out of there.

^[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

^[2] Ibid.

I have done step work around my selfishness, dug through my issues, and have thrown a good portion of my selfishness in the garbage. However, there is still a little bit left. So I can still be a selfish person sometimes. Selfishness continues to be one of my defects of character.

To me, selfish means that I only care about me and what I want. What other people want, need, or feel is not an issue. It’s all about me.

So when could I be excessively concerned about myself, while not considering the well-being of others?

1. When I get ticked off that the early morning lifeguard at the pool is late. In this instance, I am upset that my swim is going to get cut short because I have to get to work.

2. When I’m behind someone slow, either in the car or in the checkout line at the store. Usually I’m in a hurry, either because I am running late, or I have somewhere else I would rather be.

3. My inner critic accuses me of being selfish for not answering the phone when I’m in the middle of doing something else. I don’t have to listen to his lies. The truth is that letting the machine get the phone and calling the person back later is how I take care of myself. That’s not selfish.

4. When I get ticked off inside at a child for quitting class. Deep down part of me is upset that they’re quitting because it will make my class numbers look low, which will make me look like a bad teacher. Maybe it’s actually in the best interest of the student to quit.

5. When I rush past an elderly, struggling person, instead of holding the door for them or helping them. I used to do that, but I don’t anymore. I always try to help them.

6. When a family emergency or event threatens to interrupt whatever it is that I wanted to be doing in my life. I usually obsess about this until the situation gets resolved.

Selfish or Practicing Self-Care?

Now I can look at the above list in two ways. I can look at it as if all of the items mark me as being selfish. I can also look at it like all of the items on the list are times when I just feel selfish. Or a third option is that it could be a little of each.

I think there’s a difference between actually being selfish and feeling selfish. In some instances, I probably am selfish. In some other instances, I’m just taking care of myself but I feel selfish. This is my codependency talking. As a young person, I was reprimanded for doing what I needed to do to take care of myself. So I learned that putting myself before others was wrong. So now whenever I put myself first, I feel selfish.

Let’s go through the six scenarios.

A Closer Look

1. The pool issue: The opening time for the pool is supposed to be at 6:00 am, not 6:05, 6:15 or 6:30, but 6:00 o’clock in the morning. I don’t think that is me being selfish. I have to be at work at a certain time. If I’m late, people are waiting for me. Business is business.

2. Slow people and the hurried Juliet: I think this is largely a patience problem that has already been addressed. I think this is an instance where most of the time I just feel selfish. I do wait in line with everyone else, even though inside I could be feeling incredibly impatient. I do usually drive safely even behind a slow driver, despite the fact that I’m trying to control the situation by whining and yelling inside the car.

If I’m obviously huffing and puffing in the line at a Cumberland Farms convenience store, that is probably not very nice of me. If I rudely cut in front of someone in line, that would be selfish. That would be me putting my well-being ahead of everyone else, no matter what. The other people are often in a hurry to get somewhere else too.

3. The phone: Let’s say someone I know calls me, and they are in a bad way and really need a friend. If I don’t pick up the phone and talk to them, even though I have time, that is me being selfish. If, on the other hand, they’re calling at a late hour, when I’m working or busy, then by not answering, I am taking care of myself. Program is teaching me that I matter and I must take care of myself before I take care of others.

4. Students quitting class: If a student stops taking my class and I’m upset because it makes my student roster look too small, that is me being selfish. I need to put the student’s well-being ahead of my own. If it’s better for the child to stop studying the instrument, then that’s what is most important. If I’m upset because they’re quitting and I feel it’s in their best interest to keep playing their instrument, then saying something is me looking out for them. That’s good. That is compassion and care.

5. Rushing by those in need: If I rush by people who may need my assistance without helping them, that’s selfish of me. It only takes a minute to hold the door for someone. It only takes a minute to hold the door for someone and smile at them while you’re doing it. A few years ago, my sponsor gave me the assignment to smile and say hello to everyone I saw in the hallway. I still do that. It really helps me to feel happier.

6. Schedule and priority conflicts: I think the scheduling and priority conflicts that we deal with in relation to our family of origin can be some of the toughest conflicts for anyone to face. I know they are for me. When a family crisis occurs, I think I need to do my best to be there for my family as much as I am able. But I don’t have to fix whatever it going on. Most of the time, I can’t fix it anyway. By crisis I mean someone is ill, has been in an accident, or has passed away. I’m sure more crises exist, but those are some amongst many that I’ve dealt with. I think what holds true here is exactly what holds true with the phone. If I’m able and available, I need to be there for my family. If, on the other hand, they are contacting me when I’m asleep, need to be working, or otherwise busy at something important, then by not answering the phone I’m taking care of myself.

As you can see, my selfishness is a defect of character that still needs some work. I need to focus my efforts on ridding myself of selfishness in regards to being behind slow people, whether I’m in line at the store, or behind a vehicle on the road. I need to work on my selfishness in regards to the pool schedule and its inconsistencies. Everyone is doing the best they can and I can go get on the treadmill if the pool is closed. I need to keep working on my selfishness in regards to schedule and priority conflicts. Sometimes there are things that are more important than what I am doing for myself. For example, if I’m supposed to meet someone somewhere and I keep them waiting because I want to finish what I’m working on (like a lesson plan or a section of this book, for example,), then that is selfish of me. When a student quits, I must remember to consider their needs and what is best for them above my own. The needs of the student are the most important thing. That is me letting go of selfishness.

I heard in a CoDA meeting that a person gets on their knees first thing in the morning and asks God to remove all selfishness from them for the day. What would that look like? I should do that. 

He was telling me

Get your ego out of the way

Music, art and book

Are for you to heal yourself

Heal yourself so you can be a better teacher

Teach from the center of who you are

~ He Was Telling Me by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2013, all rights reserved

I sometimes struggle with pride. I want people to respect me. I want to get what I think I deserve.

To me, pride means that I want to be noticed by others and important to myself and other people. I want to matter.

My pride often rears its ugly head when I’m at work. When this happens, I want to be heard, recognized, respected, obeyed, honored, noticed, and loved. I want my students to follow directions and do it my way. My pride leads me to want control over my situation and others.

Sometimes I feel like the universe is telling me to swallow my pride, humble myself, submit, be obedient, stick my head in the sand, and just deal with it. My inner child doesn’t like that. She did that her whole life. She feels like she works hard and wants to be recognized. She wants to be right, loved, justified, and perfect.

Usually I start feeling like this when I’m working too hard and not taking care of myself. I start losing track of where I end and my job begins. My job and I become intertwined and pretty soon I think I’m my job. This happened to me last fall, when school was at its busiest. What follows is an account of one of those terribly hectic weeks and how I came to resolve this pride issue inside of myself.

I’m Not My Job

I’m not my job. I do the best I can but I’m a separate person from my job. I must remember that. I am a beloved child of God just because I exist. I’m not my actions; I’m me, I’m soul. I’m not just emotions and human ego. There is that of God in me somewhere. On my better days, it shines through.

I’m not my job. It doesn’t define who I am. It’s something I do. I put food on my table, a roof over my head, and pay my exorbitant property taxes. I do the best I can. Thank you, God.

I am distressed because I have had a really rough week at work and my ego is feeling bruised. First of all, I got an email from a teacher at a local music school that upset me. In this email, the teacher asked questions about how I teach notation. She said she was trying to figure out how to help my students. She wondered at what point they learn letter names and finger numbers from me. I emailed her back and told her that I teach in solfeggio. When one teaches in solfeggio (solfege for short,) syllables are used to stand for notes of the scale. These syllables allow music students to sing their parts. This is a very effective way to teach young children because if they can sing it, they can play it. This also helps them learn to read it.

The parent emailed me too and asked me to teach her child in a certain way. She said that if I needed help she knew someone who could teach me how to teach notation. Give me a break. That was definitely an ego bruiser.

I felt very threatened by this email. I felt less than, like a failure and a bad teacher. I felt like I had no worth because I was bad at my job. I felt like I should quit. 

The second blow to my pride came later that same week when I received an upsetting email from a parent. This parent failed to read all of the paperwork I had sent, and thus misread and misunderstood the class schedule. The email the parent sent me was abrupt, and it scolded me for misrepresenting the who, what, when, and where of the fall strings schedule. Somewhere in-between email responses and replies, this parent must have been set straight by someone or something, because she did apologize later. My email reply to her was a simple “thank you,” because I didn’t know what else to say.

Still, I felt very beaten up and was crying on my way home from work that day. Anytime someone points the proverbial finger in my face and says “you said,” I feel blamed. That hurts.

When school is first getting started, parents can be very demanding. They want information from me at all hours of the day and night. They want things to be right for their child and they want to know where they need to be when. I get that. But I’m busting my tail to get the information out there to them and then they get upset about it. Would they rather I not say anything? Maybe I should just stop communicating.

Why do I work so hard? Why do I do it? It’s because of the kids. I do it for the kids. My students are wonderful, cool, fun people and I like them a lot. I owe it to them to go to work every day and do my best. I owe it to them to teach them, develop their playing, and to bring out the good in them. The kids are the best part of this whole business. They are why I get up and go to work every day. I must remember that.

When I get overtired, depressed, and discouraged, I tend to look at things all wrong. I look through the eyes of my tired, less-than self and try to find something I did right so I can feel good about myself. This is me getting my worth from my job and what I do. This is Satan tempting me to be prideful. My pride wants me to look good and be glorified to feed my sagging ego.

But this isn’t about me. It’s about me being a vehicle for God’s will and doing the job he has asked me to do. The only thing that matters is that He be glorified. If God is glorified by what I do, then I’ve done my job.

I need to humble myself before God and what He wants me to do in this life.

I prayed about this on the way home that day. During that time, God told me some things, including:

• “Your book and your music are the thing, Juliet, don’t forget that.”
• “Dream God’s dream.”
  

During this time, I recited a favorite bible verse:

“Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

~ Psalm 61: 2 (NIV)

And look at how I got permissions from CoDA to use their steps, traditions, and promises in my book. That is God talking to me. That is God reaffirming that it’s what he wants me to do.

I am a beloved child of God just because of me. I don’t get my self-worth from my job. My job is something I do. I have worth because He made me. He has a job for me to do. I will take off the coat of pride, put on the sweater of humility, and will do what God wants me to do to the best of my ability.

Additional practices I engage in when I’m struggling with my pride:

• Worship: Talking to God through consistent morning prayers and meditation is necessary for me to remember that it’s not about me and what I want, it’s about God and what He wants. I need to be alone with God every morning to listen for His voice and serve Him better.
• Journaling: I journal every morning to get the pride, ego, and control issues out of me and into the open so they can be dealt with. 
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get anger, resentment, and selfish human pride out of the way so I can be God’s servant.
• Time with my inner child: Often when I’m feeling unimportant, less than, worthless, or unappreciated, it’s because I’m ignoring my inner child and not meeting her needs. To remedy this, I spend time visioning with my inner child. During this time, I watch her in my vision and listen for what she needs and wants. Then I try to give her what she wants and needs. This helps me immensely.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is in charge of my life. He must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do.
• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers, and listening for His direction throughout my day.
• Read the daily list: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask him to remove them if and when He is ready. Pride is on that list.
• Submission: When God gives me a message, instructions, or assignments, I try to do them, whether I want to do them or not. I trust that He knows what’s best for me more than I do. I do my best.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass,” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

The next lesson in not reacting happened with a boy in my classroom.

A parent emailed me and told me that her son, we’ll call him Louis, was on an Individual Education Plan (an education plan specifically designed for a child by his education team) and struggled in cello class. She said that her son felt he was behind everyone else in my class and that he felt singled out by me. I guess he felt picked on. The parent said she didn’t know if this were true or not and that she was not there to see it. She also said that she and her husband had had enough of the crying fits that would go on the night before cello class. So she was returning the cello and thanked me for everything I had done for her son.

I took this in as blame. Again, I wanted to react. All of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Feelings as listed earlier were hard at work, hammering away at me.

Louis had come in for his group cello class earlier on the day that I received his mother’s email. He was upset and on edge when he walked in the room. He remained that way for the whole lesson, despite my efforts to appease him, praise him, and create a comfortable, positive environment. He left upset as well. I was upset by this and was doubly upset when I received his mother’s email.

Once again, the old Juliet wanted to email that parent, get in front of the student, get on my knees, and beg for forgiveness. But I didn’t do that. I took a time-out. I gave it to God and “seasoned” it overnight. Seasoning is a Quaker term that basically means to give the issue at hand over to God for a length of time to see what He wants to do about it. So that’s what I did.

Again, I started by chanting my mantras:

• Time out!
• I will not react.
• I will wait for God’s guidance.

I repeated them over and over.

I went upstairs to my altar and contacted my inner child, inner teen, and Christ. In short, I gave the situation to my team (the child, teen, and Christ), and they told me what they wanted me to do. Then I spent time in prayer about it. I asked Christ to write the email for me. I prayed for Louis.

In the middle of the night, I woke up and realized that God was teaching me not to react. That was, once again, my lesson in all of this.

Once again I did not react. I did not respond to the email until Monday. I had received the parent’s email on a Friday afternoon. (I’ve noticed that I have been getting emails on Friday afternoons as tests and lessons in not reacting.)

When I did email the parent, it was a nice, balanced, truthful email. I have not heard from her.

I did not react. I passed the test.

Then I gave myself a pep talk:

• I’m human.
• I make mistakes
• If I’m wrong, I promptly admit it.
• I apologize.
• I’m doing the best I can.
• I have to let it go because I’m doing the best I can.
• I’m not responsible for their feelings.
• I have feelings too, I’m human.
• I have to turn it over, every time.

The next Thursday, after I had responded to his mother’s email, I saw Louis in the hallway and made amends to him.

“I’m so sorry if you felt like I singled you out,” I told him. “I had no idea you felt that way and did not intend to do that. I think you were doing fine in class and were keeping up with everyone just fine. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said, looking in my eyes.

“Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry and if you ever want to come back, you’re more than welcome.”

“Okay, thank you.”

He was looking into my eyes and I felt like he was really sincere.

These lessons are very, very painful. But they must be necessary or God wouldn’t keep giving them to me. Either I will pass the test or I won’t. I want to pass the test. I’m trying hard to pass the test. In fact, I’m sure God will keep giving me the test until I pass it.

Then I realized that I needed to go back to my mantras and processes for life that I outlined in my first book.

Using the process I described in my first book, I helped myself heal.
In Everything Is My Fault, this process is included in “Juliet’s Mantras,” in a bulleted list, and for this occasion, I will plug in some comments related to the situation with the student I am calling Louis (note: not all the mantras are listed here):

• It’s not my fault.
• This has nothing to do with me. This is about his process, not mine.
• Go do something that makes you happy.
• Work on your tunes.
• I’m doing the best I can in this moment to nurture my career and myself.
• When I’m feeling emotional, I can make an excuse and walk around the school, or at least leave the room and breathe in and out.
• I am clear and upfront in my communication.
• Be patient.
• Take care of yourself.
• Get out with your woman friends.
• I do things because I want to make myself happy, not to gain approval from someone else.
• I need boundaries with all folks, especially students and parents.
• What is the karmic opportunity here? What can I learn from this?
  • I’m not in charge here.
  • Stay in the moment.
  • This is not my problem to fix.^[1]

I then realized that the issue here may be the inner teen and what she’s going through with this. Then I did some inner teen work, similar to the work described in “The Inner Child and Doris” section of “Recovery and the Inner Child.”

Later that week I ran into a fellow teaching colleague from another district who gave me some much needed advice on getting the necessary information to meet the needs of all of the students in my classroom. She also gave me some helpful tips on contacting parents right away when things happen in the classroom, to circumvent the storytelling that can happen after the child gets home. This was great advice.

Then I wrote my gratitude poem that is in the front of this book. That is me taking my gratitude list one step further. That is me in recovery. Everything that happens is for my recovery.

Let’s plug Processes One and Two into my “Don’t React in the Classroom” Incident.

We’ll start with Process One:

1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.

2. I become aware of what I’m doing.

3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain?

Body: Tense, heart-racing, sweating, starting to panic

Feelings: I am bad, I hurt someone, blaming myself, shame, hurt, panicked like I have to fix it

Brain: My brain says I am a bad teacher and I hurt this child. That it is my fault that he is quitting and I need to do better and be more perfect.

4. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling.

I feel sad, like I’m bad, shame, I hurt, panicked like I have to fix it

5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. Dear God, help me to be willing to accept the situation with Louis as it is.

6. I pray for acceptance of the situation. Dear God, help me to accept the situation with Louis as it is. Heal me, Lord.

7. I admit powerlessness over said problem. Dear God, I am powerless over Louis and his future in my class.

8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I feel sad, bad, shameful. I’m feeling panic too, like I have to go fix Louis and save him from hurting.

9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. Dear God, heal me from this pain I feel inside.

10. I put a note in my God Box about it.

11. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.

12. The something else lately has been me playing music on my violin, viola, cello, and guitar when I feel despair coming on or am in the middle of the CoDA crazies. Playing music gets me relaxed, calm, breathing, and balanced. In the later section titled “Music for Recovery (The Healing Power of Music),” I discuss the genres of music I play in more detail.

13. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.

14. From now on, I will try and get the IEPs of my students ahead of time so I am better prepared to meet their needs. I will also wait before responding to parents and students. I will not react. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.

15. Even if I am not able get my hands on an IEP or by accident react to a student instead of waiting, I am still okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.

16. Take myself to Tanglewood: I take myself there in my mind. If I’m not near my Tanglewood picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind myself to go to Tanglewood in my mind. It helps me relax.

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? Better, less sad, less panicked, more relaxed

2. I breathe big and deep.

3. What is the information? Louis is quitting and his mother says he feels singled out.

4. What are my choices? I can sit here and obsess and feel awful about myself, or I can realize I’ve done the best I can in all that I’ve done about the situation and let it go.

5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want. Dear God, I give you Louis and the situation with cello class to the highest good of all involved. Thank you God for taking this off my plate and fixing it for me. I imagine Louis happy and living his life.

6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I’ve done all I can. I give this to God and let it go.

7. I affirm my choice and accept it. I’ve done all I can. I give this to God and let it go.

8. I give it to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to God with arms outstretched or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to Him. Dear God, here I give you Louis and cello class and his mother to the highest good of all involved. May your will be done.

9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?

10. I go play my instruments, write a song, work on my book, or do some painting.

11. I thank God.

The critical first step that has helped me the most in recovering from being a reactionary is chanting my mantras:

• Time out!
• I will not react.
• I will wait for God’s guidance.

Then I follow my processes. This works for me and I am recovering. Thank you God for these lessons and this progress.

^[1] Wright, Juliet. Everything Is My Fault. Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, page 286.

This lesson was so strong that I got it twice in a row, with the same person.

This happened with my friend Doris, who I wrote about in “Recovery in Friendships,” and in my first book, in a section titled “Doris.” This was a painful experience for me.

This was also a lesson in not reacting and it was a lesson that I passed. I received an upsetting email from Doris and I did not react. I did not respond right away. I prayed about it and contacted my inner teen. God said I didn’t have to do anything about it, so I didn’t. That doesn’t mean it was easy. There was a big part of the old Juliet deep down in there that wanted to go shamefully crawling back to my long-time friend, blubbering all the way, stating how “less than” I was, and begging forgiveness. I was really hurting.

That has been my training from my family for most of my life and I was an excellent student. But I did not react. I clung to the words and voice of God for dear life and listened. This was difficult, laborious, and emotionally exhausting for me, but I got through it. God told me not to respond to the email, so I didn’t.

A couple of weeks later, I got another email from her, which was an attempt to tell me how she felt about things. I felt my heart start to race as I read the email. None of it felt positive. I took it all in as blame. As I read it, I felt like I was being put through a paper shredder. My heart chakra felt really uncomfortable. Panic was setting in. It didn’t feel good. I felt the CoDA crazies coming on. I was in trouble.

All of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Feelings that are listed above were in action inside my brain.

I wanted to react by emailing right away, just as I wanted to with the student, in an endless apology, begging forgiveness so I could feel better about my pitiful self.

I started once again by chanting my mantras:

• Time out!
• I will not react.
• I will wait for God’s guidance.

I repeated them over and over.

Thanks be to my loving, all powerful, merciful God. He got me out of that chair at my computer and sent me upstairs to my altar. I contacted the inner child and the inner teen. The details of the contact with my inner child and inner teen are presented in further detail in “The Inner Child and Doris” section of “Recovery and the Inner Child” later in this book.

The short version that I will present here is that I asked the child, the teen, and Christ what to do and they told me. They told the how, when, and what regarding my email to her. I followed directions and did that. I thought it was a nice email.  Summing it up, I asked for space from her. It was really difficult for me to do this, but I did what God wanted me to do. In the end, as tough as this process was, I felt relief — a huge amount of relief.

Then I got on Facebook and saw part of her post. The trailer indicated she was devastated by something, but then you had to click on it to find out the details. I didn’t click on it. I didn’t take the bait. I didn’t react. Yea me! It was tough. My heart was beating and I felt like I was bad. I had been bad and was hurting her and it was all my fault. I was mean. This was my inner critic once again giving me grief. The good news is that I did not react. I told my inner critic to be quiet and I got the heck out of there. I stopped following her on Facebook and eventually defriended her.

This was a good decision for me and for my inner child. We feel much safer.

A few weeks later, I got another group email post from her. I was away at the American String Teachers Association Conference in Utah at the time. The subject line referred to the dark, rough time she was going through. This email came late on a Friday night, just as so many of them had. This was a lesson in not reacting. I felt panic run through my body. I did not feel safe and neither did my inner child. I stopped. I breathed in and out. I called a program friend for support. She stayed on the phone with me as I deleted the email. I know this was what God wanted me to do. This was my lesson. After all, what else could I do? It seemed to me that I could never do anything right in this person’s eyes. Anything I did got criticized. Reacting would have no doubt had bad, painful consequences. I followed the directions from God and am better off. I did not react. Good for me.

I have been a reactor for most of my life. I learned to react as child. I did it to protect myself and survive my difficult childhood. Now that I’m an adult, the habit of reacting no longer serves me. Lately I’ve had some lessons in not reacting.

Reacting to me means that I respond to a situation automatically without thinking it through first.

What follows are some of the lessons I’ve received in learning not to react.

No More PD?

In “Patience Please,” I described a situation that occurred in my worklife regarding my professional development. In this situation, I think I was being given a lesson in not reacting.

Did I react? Maybe. As soon as I received the email from the computer system saying that my paid professional development was denied, I emailed everyone involved and informed them that the trip had been canceled.

A better plan might have been for me to wait a few days, contact my administrator, and see what could be done about the situation.

I did react and then I obsessed about the issue all weekend. It was a long holiday weekend too, which was too bad because I ruined it by obsessing.

In the months that followed as this process evolved, I tried to think the process through and reach out to those who could help me. It did work out in the end but it was a long process requiring much patience. There were many times that I wanted to react by either canceling the whole trip and saying forget it or calling the administrators in charge and demanding that they resolve the situation immediately. In the end, I didn’t over-react. Good for me. This was a lesson in not reacting.

Don’t React to That Student

The next lesson took place in the classroom with the student that I wrote about in “Keeping My Eyes on Christ.” I didn’t react on that one either, but boy I wanted to badly. The old Juliet wanted to get that parent on the phone, bring the student in, and then get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. I wanted to react, but I didn’t. I stopped, prayed, asked God what he wanted me to do, and waited for him to tell me. I waited to respond. It was very difficult for me to do this. It was painful. I obsessed. My gut ached. That is what happens when I feel like I’ve hurt someone.

Here are Juliet’s Codependency Patterns that were at work:

• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• If you like me, I like me.
• If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
• I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
• I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.^[1]

All of Juliet’s Feelings were at work here:

• This is all my fault. I did something wrong.
• They are right. I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than.
• I am ashamed.
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
• I’m not good enough to be here.^[2]

This is what I learned from my family of origin. I learned that I was responsible for everyone else’s feelings and actions. It was all my fault. So I learned to automatically apologize for everything all the time and take everything in as blame. I don’t have to do that today.

And I did not do that in this situation either.

I started by chanting my mantras:

• Time out!
• I will not react.
• I will wait for God’s guidance.

I repeated them over and over.

Then I waited to respond to the mother’s email until I was sure what God wanted me to say. I asked God to write the email for me and He did. The fact that I never heard back from the parent is immaterial. This was a lesson in not reacting and I passed.

^[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

^[2] Ibid.

Juliet’s Mantras on Patience

• I am learning patience.
• I will become a more patient person.
• Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

~ Corinthians 13:4 (NIV)

• Juliet is patient, Juliet is kind. Juliet does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. ~ Juliet’s translation

So now I will take my impatience with my professional development approval and put it into Processes One and Two.

Process One:

1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.

2. I become aware of what I am doing.

3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain?

Body:  Body is tense, heart is starting to race. My body is starting to sweat.

Feelings: Angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful.

Brain:  I’m very tired of waiting for my professional development to be approved. Nothing is happening and I’m stressed out about it. I can’t get my money back for the flight, hotel, or conference fee. If they don’t approve my time off, I’ll be out all that money and I won’t get the professional development this year.

4. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling. I feel angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful.

5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. God help me be willing to accept this endless waiting process for my professional development approval as it is.

6. I pray for acceptance of the situation. God help me to accept this endless waiting process for my professional development approval. Help me accept that you have a reason for this process and delay and that it is for my highest good.

7. I admit powerlessness over said problem. Dear God, I admit powerlessness over my professional development approval process.

8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I feel angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful. I really let myself feel it, all out. I let my rage out by playing Porcupine Tree’s Fear of a Blank Planet, or The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack to relieve myself of this anxiety. I will glance at my Angry Birds while I listen. This helps me get my rage out. If I’m at home, I will exercise and pound and yell to get rid of that icky anger energy inside of me.

9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. Dear God, I am powerless over this anger, frustration, impatience, and rage that I am feeling now. I ask that you remove these feelings of pain from me.

10. I put a note in my God Box about it. Dear God, I give you my professional development approval and my feelings about the situation to the highest good of all involved.

11. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.

12. The something else lately has been me playing music on my violin, viola, cello, and guitar when I feel despair coming on or am in the middle of the CoDA crazies. Playing music gets me relaxed, calm, breathing, and balanced.

13. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.

14. From now on, I will just decide to be happy and patient when confronted with situations where I feel anger, frustration, impatience, and rage. If this doesn’t work, I will repeat step 8 above of Process One until I feel calm. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.

15. Even if I never get my professional development approved and I lose all that money, I am still okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.

16. I take myself to Tanglewood: When I do this, I look at a picture I have of Tanglewood and take myself there in my mind. If I’m not near my picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind myself to go to Tanglewood in my mind. It helps me relax. I am at Tanglewood sitting on the lawn and the breeze is blowing my hair. The orchestra is beginning to play.

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan: not in TOC

1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? I feel better, more relaxed.

2. I breathe big and deep.

3. What is the information? I am impatient about my professional development coming through and am stressed about losing money over it.

4. What are my choices? I can stay stressed, or I can do whatever I can to resolve the situation and leave the rest in God’s hands.

5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want. Thank you God for helping me with my professional development approval process. If it is your will, I pray that I am able to go on my trip and that I will be at peace during the whole process.

6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I am doing everything I can to resolve the situation with my professional development approval and give it to God to fix the rest.

7. I affirm my choice and accept it. I am comfortable with my plan.

8. I give it to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to God with arms outstretched, or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to him. Dear God, please take this issue off my plate. I place it in your capable, loving hands.

9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?

10. I go play my instruments, write a song, work on my book, or do some painting.

11. I thank God.

Additional practices that help to me work through my impatience:

• Music: I listen to Porcupine Tree’s Fear of a Blank Planet, The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack, or Linkin Park when I feel severe impatience coming on. It helps me relax.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the negative energy that comes with impatience.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to discern God’s will for me and helps to give me the strength to do His will. It helps me to remember that he is in charge and I’m not. I’m on his time table, he is not on mine.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Take a break: Sometimes I need to just stop, sit, and breathe. This helps get rid of the anxiety and stress associated with being impatient. I need to keep practicing this. Sitting and doing nothing but breathing is a really good exercise in patience for me.

Let it go: I rid myself of anxiety and impatience every time I give my life to God. I let go, trust Him, and move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment and I always feel better.