Rage, Clip from my audio book Everything Is For My Recovery
Let the child rage
Let her get it out
Yell and scream
Stamp your feet
Let it out
Rage underneath
Grit your teeth,
Pound and yell,
Cry out loud, but don’t forget to love
And dream
~ Let the Child Speak from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2010, all rights reserved
I still struggle with rage sometimes. Now and then exhaustion, stress, work, lack of time to myself, self-denial, self-blame, too much time in my car, and hormones can send me over the edge into rage. I have been working my program and I think my rage times are shorter and less intense. I now have a good set of tools in my recovery toolbox that I can pull out when rage strikes and they work really well for me. I can calm myself down and get back into balance.
Here are a couple of stories that exhibit recent rage attacks and how I handled them.
Daily Dose of Dislikes
Wait for the mail
Wait for the phone
Wait for a friend
Wait to be alone
Waiting for sound
Waiting for someone
To bring me around
Waiting in line
To lose my mind
What I might find
Insanity is mine
~ Waiting by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2010, all rights reserved
I just took my daily dose of dislikes. I take one every time I want to torture myself unnecessarily. Much of the time it involves making phone calls to my bank, credit card, phone company, or other automatic-frustration-available-here type of organizations. UGH! This daily dose of dislikes is a good example of how resentment and rage can go hand in hand.
So what’s going on with me today? What defect is emerging its ugly head? I am feeling resentful. Why? Because for the 40th time I had to call the bank to try to get them to send me a reminder that the auto bill pay for a non-profit organization phone bill is going to happen. But they can’t send me the reminder. They can only send the old treasurer of the non-profit the reminder. However, I am now the new treasurer, so this is very frustrating. Now I’m not even clear if the auto bill pay is going to happen or not. It had better not because I just paid the bill.
So I have to remember when this bill is due. But remembering is beyond my capabilities. I can’t remember anything. It took a half-hour of my time to not get this done and most of that time was spent on hold. I am feeling very angry and resentful about it.
If it makes me resentful, it’s not a choice. Resentment leads to rage. So why did I bother calling? Unknown. Why don’t I just put a note on my own phone bill or calendar that says, “Don’t forget non-profit bill!” Cuz that is the only reminder I’m going to get.
How much will the bill be? I don’t know. I’ll have to guess. Maybe I’ll just pick a number out of a hat to decide how much to send them. This is very aggravating! It isn’t even clear to me why they won’t switch it from the old treasurer to me. They just said that since she is the one who opened the account, it has to be sent to her. This doesn’t make any sense to me.
Resentment and rage are my problem. I’m the one who called the bank. I knew what I was getting into with them. This is after calling another Internet utility company last night and getting someone from heaven knows where that I couldn’t understand who hung up on me. That was another winner. What a party. I can’t stand having this much fun!
Resentment. Frustration. Anger. Get it out. I have The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack on and they are screaming their lungs out. Awesome. That helps. I have my candles going. That helps. I’m journaling, typing, spilling my guts, working on my book. That helps too. Breathe. It’s okay. Just get over this hump. It’ll be okay. God loves you. Keep writing.
Bruises by Unloco is my new favorite song. This is the stuff!!! He is screaming his lungs out. He is helping me express myself. Yes! Go boy go!!!
Listening to this music really helps when I’m frustrated. Wailing on my punching bag at the same time is even better.
The poor bank lady. I feel bad for her. God bless the bank lady. It’s not her fault that this process is just a waste of time. I wish I had been nicer to her. I knew how the conversation was going to end when I started so what was the point? I knew she was going to come back and say she couldn’t help me. God please bless the bank lady. She really tried hard to help me. I hope she talks to nicer people than me.
That’s it, Unloco, scream some more about your bruises. Let it out. Thank you for helping.
I am expressing my rage and trying to let go of my resentments. After all, I did it to myself.
And see this stuff totally works for me. I listened to Bruises by Unloco about ten times. Then I listened to the entire Matrix Reloaded soundtrack. I lit some candles and wrote on my computer about how I’m feeling. I wrote and wrote and wrote. And now I’m calm. Now Unloco has taken a refreshments break and Brahms is helping me out with his String Quartet #1 Opus 88 in F. Thanks Brahms!
Progress on People Pleasing/Approval Seeking from the Audio Book Everything Is For My Recovery
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God?
Or am I trying to please people?
If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
~ Galatians 1:10 (NIV)
I am much less of a people pleaser than I used to be. If I don’t want to do something with someone, then I say no. If I’m having a hard time saying no, or the person is being persistent, then I may tell them I’ll check my schedule and get back to them. Then later I will decline their offer in a nice way. If I’m with someone I don’t see too often, I may bend to their wishes to honor what they want to do.
People pleasing does not mean that I will give up my plans in certain critical areas. For instance, CoDA meetings, journaling, worship, and exercise are non-negotiable.
Yet sometimes I still worry that if I don’t do what people want, they will take their love away. This still happens sometimes with my family of origin. I learned this behavior from them and I learned it well. But I am getting better. More often than not, I speak up about my needs and desires in a nice way. Sometimes it is still scary, but I do it.
I still am fearful to some degree that the person will get mad at me, especially if it is someone who is close to me. However, it is better than it used to be. I still get a tiny bit of panic or concern in my stomach when the words leave my mouth, but at least I’m saying it and that is a huge leap forward.
If I get into a quandary about what to do, then I stop and ask God what he wants me to do. Then I do that. Because I am here to do what God wants me to do, not what others want me to do. Doing what God wants me to do fills me with inner peace.
Conflict Avoidance and Passiveness, from the audio book Everything Is For My Recovery
I can feel change comin’
Comin’ over me
It’s gonna be so different
Just wait and see
~ Change from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2010, all rights reserved
I still don’t enjoy conflict and I’m still a passive person. But I stick up for myself more often than I used to and that is progress. In the past I would just shove whatever I wanted under the carpet in order to keep the peace. Whatever I wanted wasn’t that important. You were the person who was important. I don’t do that as much now. I stick up for what I want.
The previous example of speaking my truth in the conflict with Doris is a good example of Juliet learning to be assertive. It was not easy, but I did it.
I am also learning to be more assertive and less afraid of conflict at work. For example, in my recent attempts to schedule end-of-the-year concerts for my orchestra students, I have encountered some conflicts with my fellow teachers and their end-of-the-year field trips. Communication can be a tricky thing in the education field, and pretty much any field, I would suppose. Some educators have the tendency to schedule things without consulting the school calendar. I had scheduled a concert with the principal on a certain day and time. When I told my students about it, they said they were going on a field trip and wouldn’t be there. I emailed the individual organizing the event but did not get the information in her response that I wanted. The old Juliet would have just given up, picked another day, sulked, and said I don’t matter, forget it. The new Juliet called the teacher in question and talked to her on the phone about it. We communicated and solved the problem. I did not come from a passive place, or a place of fear of abandonment or fear of rejection. Business is business. I did not take it personally. The concert is now scheduled. This is progress.
I also spoke assertively to someone after a CoDA meeting a few months ago. At the end of our meeting, we passed around a bag of positive affirmations. Everyone that wants to picks an affirmation out of the bag and reads it. One individual picked a piece of paper out of the bag and said, “Oh look, Juliet’s phone number!” I did not appreciate it. I did not engage in crosstalk, but waited for the meeting to be over. At the close of meeting, I told the person how I felt.
I said: “I just want you to know that we don’t do thirteenth stepping at this meeting. I didn’t appreciate your comment about the phone number. It wasn’t okay with me. Please don’t do it again.”
In their best-selling book, Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend recommend that people practice new behaviors in a safe place, such as a support group.[1] So I was practicing in a safe place and was practicing on someone that I felt safe being assertive with. I didn’t have anything to lose.
The outcome was that the person took it quite well, at least from my point of view. The person made an excuse like that was not what they meant, it was joke, etc. I stood my ground. We ended the conversation and parted ways.
That is me sticking up for myself. That is me walking right into a potential conflict situation and saying what I need to say for myself. That is me realizing I am worth speaking up for. I matter. This progress is the result of working this program. I feel good about this growth and will keep practicing being assertive in safe environments.
Mantras that help me when I’m facing a conflict:
Remember your bubble. My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen, I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.
Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.
Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
Before you go into a room, hold it in the Light of God.
Dear God, I give you this conflict for my highest good.
Observe, don’t react.
Don’t take it personally. This isn’t about me.
God, please speak through me.
God, please take care of this conflict for me.
Does this serve you?
You have a choice.
Go for process, not content.
Positive Affirmations that I say when preparing to face a potential conflict and am feeling passive:
Juliet deserves good things.
I am worthy of love just because I exist.
My cross ring and my Angry Birds remind me to take myself to Tanglewood when I’m facing a conflict.
Additional practices that help with my conflict avoidance and passiveness.
Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax when I’m preparing to face a potential conflict.
Give it to God: I place the person and situation I feel overly-responsible for into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.
[1] Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Audio). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2001.
Peacemaking – Clip from Audio Book Everything Is For My Recovery
Peacemaking
“Peace, peace, to those far and near,” says the Lord. “And I will heal them.”
~ Isaiah 57:19 (NIV)
I think that the biggest evidence that supports my progress in ridding myself of my peacemaking defect is the conflict that arose between Doris and I, which I discussed earlier in this book. I did not engage in peacemaking in that situation. I spoke my truth. Now granted I spoke most of this truth through email, but none-the-less, I did speak it. I didn’t do what the old codependent Juliet would do, which would be to automatically admit I was wrong, that I’m selfish, and that I messed up. Instead, I spoke my truth. But I did it in a nice way that didn’t lay blame, or go into a bunch of explanations.
Now the down side of speaking my truth and causing conflict as a result is that the other person may not like it. Doris didn’t like the new me. The old one was much easier to manipulate and control. But I was authentic. I said what was true for me. Not only that, but I asked God about it first. I asked him what I should say and how I should say it. I also waited before responding to her emails, which is a new, positive step for me. It’s hard for me to wait for things. But I did it and I’m glad. I was able to actually respond from a calm, God-centered place, instead of reacting. It always works better that way.
I am slowly but surely becoming my authentic self.
Now I suppose there are times when I still need to engage in peacemaking. That is when I’m in the classroom or dealing with parents. I have come to realize that if a parent asks for my opinion on a matter, I can give it. Otherwise, it is to my benefit not to say anything. So, for example, when a parent tells me their plans for their child, such as future schooling, or the instrument they are planning to buy, and I don’t agree with it, I actually now step back in silence. I might suggest something, but if they are not open to it, I will just not speak on the subject. Some might consider that peacemaking. So be it. I think since it involves my job and issues that are possibly not my concern anyway, that my choice is understandable.
Over-Responsibility and Caretaking, clip from audio book, Everything Is For My Recovery
My defect that I thought I shredded
And buried in four places
Like Braveheart
has sewn itself back together and is
standing over me, threatening my life
When I’m sleeping
In my dreams I’m saying
I thought I killed you.
What else can I do but
Raise my life up as an offering to God.
Keep working my program,
Give it to God again.
Follow Him.
He gives me a beautiful sunrise with
pink and little bitty blue clouds in it.
It’s his way of letting me know
He is there and he is going to take care of me.
~ Drawn and Quartered by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2015, all rights reserved
Have I made progress on these defects of over-responsibility and caretaking? I would like to say that the answer is yes. I think that is an honest answer, at least on the awareness level. I am aware of when I cross the line, step over the boundary between just being concerned for someone and taking responsibility for their feelings.
I still suffer from the following of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
Your moods and actions are my fault.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
I don’t know what I need. I focus on what you need.
Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.[1]
I still feel the need to caretake my family of origin, especially my sister Alice, who is the only one left in our family other than myself. She has had a really tough time this last couple of years with the illness and death of her husband, the loss of her dog and her cat.
I still feel responsible for her. I want to take away her sadness and grief and make everything rosy and fun. Seeing and hearing her feeling so sad tears a hole in my soul. It is very painful for me. I can’t take away her sadness, nor is it my job. For a long time I could say those words, but I didn’t know if I believed them. Now with a lot of recovery work, I am starting to really accept and believe them. There is a God, it is not me. I am not driving the boat.
God is driving the boat. This realization helps me to accept that everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. It is all happening as a part of God’s plan. Everything is okay. I will just trust God and move forward as he leads me. I will listen to his voice and walk in faith.
I do think my episodes of over-responsibility and caretaking are less frequent and less severe than they used to be. The past two years have been very difficult and painful in the face of family illness. Combine that with my defects and it’s a tough one, but at least my awareness of my tendency to engage in these defects has increased and, as I work my program, I believe the time in-between overly-responsible CoDA crazies will decrease. I’m grateful for that.
I am a work-in-progress. Please be patient. God isn’t finished with me yet. I’m so grateful that I always get another chance to try again.
A program is only a good program if it works for me. Progress is slow but there is progress. I am transforming myself and developing. It’s working. It’s not happening like a lightning rod or a rocket through space, but it is working. I will keep at it until I reach my goals.
Additional practices that help with my over-responsibility and caretaking:
Music: I listen to and/or play etudes, Handel’s Messiah, and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas on my violin, or sing and play my own music on my guitar when I feel the anxiety that comes with my defect of feeling overly-responsible for others. Playing music relaxes me and helps me realize I don’t have to take care of anyone but myself.
Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is in control. Writing scripture on index cards and reading it throughout the day has been a real source of strength for me. It helps me get through my teaching days easier.
Program literature: I read Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12), and other literature. This literature helps me get the focus back where it belongs, on myself and my relationship with God.
Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to stop worrying about other people, to stop trying to fix and take care of them. Since meetings aren’t available in my area every day, I listen to tapes I have made of myself reading a meeting format and step work. Going to a meeting every day in this way has really enhanced my recovery and helped to keep myself in balance.
Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, taking spin class, and lifting weights always makes me feel better.
Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps to bring me out of my overly-responsible/caretaking tailspin and back into the present moment. I often combine my workout on the treadmill with reading my gratitude list, which is really affective.
Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
Inner child work: My inner child often sheds light on why I feel like I have to fix a particular person or situation and this helps me to stop feeling like everything is my fault and my responsibility.
Step work: I work the steps on whatever situation or person is fueling my over-responsibility. I read this work to my sponsor, into a tape recorder or both. Reading the work I’ve done on the principles has been a vital part of my recovery toolbox as I have struggled excessively with over-responsibility and caretaking my whole life.
Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.
Give it to God: I place the person and situation I feel overly-responsible for into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.
Perfectionism, audio clip from Everything Is For My Recovery, audio book
I make mistakes
How my heart aches
Don’t have what it takes today.
I want to give up
I’ve had enough
But this refrain
Makes me try again
(Keep moving on)
I don’t have to be perfect
I don’t have to be right
I just have to try
My best tonight (my best is alright)
~All I Can Do, from Fearless Moral Inventory,
by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2009, all rights reserved
I still suffer from perfectionism. It continues to be one of my biggest defects of character, which affects many areas of my life. This includes but is not limited to my teaching, my music, my physical appearance, and my eating habits.
I want to be perfect and when I’m not, I beat myself up.
My sponsor agrees that perfectionism is still a big defect for me, especially when it comes to my teaching job. The truth is, I don’t have to be perfect and it’s not possible anyway. All I can strive for is a good presentation of my lessons. I’ll never be perfect. My students will never be perfect either.
She also said, “You have finally realized that you need to pray about all of this and then let it go. You deserve to be happy and you’ll be happier if you let go of being perfect.” One of her favorite sayings is:
You made a mistake and you didn’t die!
Spirit is talking to me because not only is this perfectionism message coming through my sponsor, but other folks as well. The other night, a friend told me to do my best to let all of this go and be good to myself.
Though it’s still an issue for me, I actually have made some progress on perfectionism. I now have the ability to leave the house with a pile of laundry on the chair. I can now run out of time to get to an area of the house that needs to be vacuumed and not sweat it, unless it’s the kitchen or the bathroom. Those rooms need to be done.
I am aware that I make mistakes in all areas of my life and I am getting a little better at letting go of that. For instance, I realize that I’m not perfect in my communications with others.
For example, last week I went into a rage fit because the bank telephone rep kept me on hold for a long time. Then she kept me on the phone for a long time as we talked, and in the end this rep couldn’t help me. I spent a half hour on the phone with her and accomplished nothing. I got upset. What a huge waste of time! I vowed that it was no longer a choice for me to sit endlessly on the phone like that, accomplishing nothing. I will not do it again.
So today, when the same situation threatened my morning, I made a different choice. I hung up the phone and decided that the work would just not get done and it was worth it. No more spending time on the phone like that.
I am not perfect in my time management either. I need to do better at that and accomplish more. But little by little I think I’m learning to relax a little and go with the flow a bit more.
I’m still in the process of forgiving myself for not being perfect. I am not perfect. Just human. Only God is perfect. All that is required is that I follow him and do my best.
I’m trying to stop driving myself crazy by attempting to be perfect. I’ve done my job if I’ve done my best and taken care of myself.
This is progress. These are the results of working this program.
Mantras that help me when I’m fighting my perfectionism:
Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
I am powerless over this situation. I’m powerless over my perfectionism. My life has become unmanageable.
Go do something else.
Treat it like the front page of the paper.
Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
Change your self-judgment habit.
Juliet has a job to do. Juliet has to follow God and let go, make her music, paint, work her recovery program, and do her book. That’s what God wants.
In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
In this moment, I let go and let God.
Dear God, I give you my perfectionism for my highest good.
Positive Affirmations that help me with my perfectionism:
It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
It’s okay that I’m not perfect. No one is perfect but God.
My imperfections make me unique and beautiful.
I am a unique and precious human being.
There is nobody else like me.
Today I am God’s brand new creation.
Slogans that help me with perfectionism are:
Not my will but thine be done.
Let go and let God.
This too shall pass.
Let’s just trust God for that.
Additional practices that help when my perfectionism is getting the better of me:
Talk to my sponsor: My sponsor knows me very well and she is aware that my perfectionism is one my biggest defects. She knows that it is at the root of who I am and the source of many of my struggles. She’s very good at reminding me of this and pointing me towards my recovery tools.
Step work: I bring out the step work I’ve done with my sponsor and the notes I’ve taken during our conversations and read them when I’m in the middle of a perfectionistic attack. This helps to get me back into a balanced state of mind.
Program literature: Reading the Twelve Promises, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous really helps me to relax and accept myself the way that I am. Doing this helps to relieve me of my perfectionism in that moment.
Gratitude List: Reading my gratitude list helps bring me back to a place where I realize how wonderful my life is and that, regardless of whatever is causing me to get down on myself, I can sit back and realize that everything is really okay.
Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to work through my perfectionism, stop beating myself up, and get back into a balanced state of mind.
Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forrest, and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the negative energy that comes with perfectionism and getting down on myself for not being perfect.
Music: I practice my instruments or write a song to get myself back into balance. It works every time.
Painting: I am an amateur artist. I work with oil paints. Painting is a tool I use to get myself away from food and into doing something creative and positive for myself.
Compulsiveness Clip from the audio book Everything is for My Recovery
I wasn’t even hungry but somehow I ate it all,
Searching for the ice cream.
Searching for the sweetness,
Searching for the numbness,
Begging for the exit, avoiding the truth,
Trying not to feel,
Frozen, dazed lump.
~ Searching for Numbness, by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2015, all rights reserved
I am much less compulsive with food than I used to be. I think the key for me is that I recognize now when I am upset about something and vulnerable to engage in emotional eating to numb myself out. I think this a direct result of practice in getting into the Observer. I become aware of what’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain and as a result steer myself away from the fridge and towards one of instruments, my song writing corner, or my book.
I am still compulsive with food around my family of origin. This is a long standing habit and survival tool with me when it comes to family. I met my sister Alice in San Diego for the holidays last year and found myself struggling with food. Thinking ahead, I had brought the Twelve Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous (OA) with me, and I answered some of the questions every night before bed. I also brought the current issues of OA’s Lifeline magazine and read them before bed too. In addition, my sister and I got a lot of exercise and engaged in fun activities like going to the zoo and to the beach. All of this helped me to keep my compulsive eating under control.
I am also more successful and diligent in using my recovery tools to keep me from binging. These anti-binging tools include:
Going to Weight Watchers meetings
Cooking all food ahead of time for the week
Measuring and weighing my food
Writing down everything I eat every day
Reading Overeaters Anonymous and Weight Watchers literature,
Exercising
Eating foods that won’t trigger a binge (These are different for everyone, and I have a list of foods that I know I need to avoid.)
Writing songs
Chewing gum
Working on my book
Getting into bed with a good book
These things all help to keep me from binging. Sometimes I repeat a tool, like exercise. For example, I have already taken three walks today. Who cares? I don’t care. I do what works for me.
I also take care of myself when I travel by taking my food recovery tools with me. For example, when I went to the New England Yearly Meeting last summer, I bought a fridge and took it with me to the conference. I also brought most of the food I would need for the trip with me. I heated my food up in the microwave at the dorm. I brought my measuring cups, canned pumpkin, dishes, whatever I would need to stay on program. This helped me to stay binge-free and kept me from IBS attacks. It means hauling a lot of stuff around, but my serenity is worth it.
I am no longer compulsive with alcohol. I limit my use of this substance and am comfortable with how and when I use it.
I don’t know if I would still classify myself as a compulsive dieter. I follow a diet that is a combination of my Weight Watchers points plus diet and my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) diet. As I stated above, I cook all my food ahead of time and portion it out for the week into little containers. I write down everything I eat. This is a part of the plan that works for me.
Rarely do I compulsively weigh myself like I used to in the past. I used to weigh myself multiple times in different parts of the house until I got the number I liked. If I didn’t get the number I liked, I would rage. This would often trigger an IBS attack, which would make my rage worse. Not a good plan. I can count maybe only two times in the past two or three years that I’ve weighed myself compulsively. This is progress. And when I do get obsessed with the number on the scale and feel like I can’t live another minute until it gives me the number I want, then I know I need to start using the tools.
Here is a journal entry from last summer when I was struggling with the numbers on the scale:
July 18, 2014
Scale really bad. Really upset. Too much olive oil. Steam only, no fat.
So what did I do to get out of this? I plugged in the tools.
I am still celibate and free of my compulsion with sex. In my last book, I spoke of my fear of being a sex addict when I was in my relationship with Brad, the man I dated after my divorce from Alex. I think I was addicted to sex with him because it was the only time, if ever, that he was intimate and loving to me. Then I could pretend that he really loved me, when I knew that he didn’t. That is codependency staring me right in the face.
The phone just rang while I was typing the previous paragraph. The caller-ID said that my phone was calling me. How is this possible? Maybe it is God talking to me. Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me that I hit the nail on the head.
God is going to fill that empty space inside of me. He is all I need. I don’t have to try to fill that space with food, alcohol, sex, or low weigh-ins. I have found the answer and it is God. Thank you, God.
This too shall pass. Easy does it. This won’t last forever. I will lose the weight.
Mantras that help me when I’m feeling compulsive:
Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
I am powerless over this situation. I am powerless over my compulsiveness. My life has become unmanageable.
Put the fork down and go do something else.
Treat it like the front page of the paper.
Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
Change your self-judgment habit.
Juliet has a job to do. Juliet has to follow God and let go, make her music, paint, work her recovery program, and do her book. That’s what God wants.
In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
In the moment I let go and let God.
Dear God, I give you my compulsiveness for my highest good.
Positive Affirmations that help me with compulsiveness:
God and me fill that empty space inside of me.
God doesn’t make junk. I am a perfect child of God just the way I am.
I am beautiful inside and out.
I am beautiful, thin, and a winner.
I do my best to take care of myself and that is all I can expect of anyone, including myself.
Additional practices that help to me when I’m feeling compulsive:
Reading: If I’m ever in the mood to be compulsive with food, it is at night, right before bed. Nothing gets me out of the fridge like a good book. The promise of reading in bed gets me away from the kitchen and into the wonderful world of literature. It works every time.
Exercise: I put down the fork and go to the gym. I close the pretzel bag and go for a walk in Hopkins Forest (a beautiful wooded area near me that is a protected nature reserve). Swimming, walking, spinning, yoga, lifting, they all rid me of my compulsions.
Step work: I get out my Overeaters Anonymous Twelve StepWorkbook and work the steps when I’m in a compulsive mood. When I go on trips to see my family, I take the workbook with me.
Program literature: I read the Overeaters Anonymous magazine, Lifeline, on a regular basis. I see myself in its pages. Reading the stories it shares always helps me to get back on my program. I read them when I’m on my treadmill and take issues of the magazine on trips.
Attend meetings: Going to a Weight Watchers meeting is one of the best ways for me to get rid of my compulsive urges and get back on program. Sharing fears, struggles, and tools with others is a key to my success. I feel supported and victorious, not alone and out of control.
Painting: I am an amateur artist. I work with oil paints. Painting is a tool I use to get myself away from food and into doing something creative and positive for myself.
Music: I practice my instruments or write a song to get myself out of a compulsion and back into balance. It works every time.
Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
Service work: Service work always helps me get out of a compulsive episode. I bring non-perishable foodstuff to the local food pantry every month and give financially to the Vermont Food Bank. Service work with CoDA and Quaker Meeting at the local and yearly levels also gets my mind off of my compulsions.
Obsessiveness – Clip from the audio book version of Everything is for My Recovery
Is anything too hard for the Lord?
~ Jeremiah 22:7
I still have the defect of obsessiveness. It is one of the oldest and most deeply rooted parts of my disease. Thanks to the hard work I’ve been doing in recovery, the frequency and duration of my obsessive episodes is lessening. I am now able to more quickly recognize my obsessions when they occur, plug in my recovery tools, and get back into balance. I am happy to report that I now have more serene days than obsessive days. That is a blessing. That is program.
When I do get caught in episodes of obsessiveness, my experience there is painful, dark, lonely, and desperate. It is an awful place to be. Over and over again what I’m worried about plagues my brain. It’s like I’m an addict in need of a fix. When I’m obsessing, I’m really suffering. At that moment, I can’t imagine ever getting myself out of my mania and back in balance.
I am not helping anyone by obsessing, least of all myself. It doesn’t matter whether I’m fixated on my family of origin issues, problems at work, issues with friends, or just getting on my own case for making mistakes in one of those areas. What matters is that it doesn’t solve anything. All it does is make me miserable.
I heard a preacher recently who said that when we are worrying, it is like we don’t trust God enough to take care of our problems so we worry instead. But what we have to do is trust him. He is powerful and big enough to fix our problems and He will do so in His own time, in His own way. We must get out of the way and let Him do it.
One of the tools I use to get myself out of an obsession and back into the present moment is journaling. Here is a recent journal entry that I produced in an attempt to get out of an obsession:
I have to turn Alice over to God. I have been listening to my CoDA tapes all week. I have been saying my positive affirmations and using my cross ring and Angry Bird anchors to take myself to Tanglewood when I talk to her. I just got a message from Alice today when I was practicing music with a friend. She sounded tired and sad. I called Alice back and left her a message. I didn’t hear from her so even though it was after 8:00 pm I called her again and reached my sister. I felt like God was telling me to call her. I stared at my Tanglewood picture the whole time. I tried to take myself there, to that serene, relaxing, divine place. I tried not to take on her sadness. I think I did okay. I was sad when I hung up but I still functioned. I tried to just make it okay that she was sad. It’s all I can do to take care of myself now. I’m overtired, overworked, worn out. I feel like I’ve been doing a crappy job on my step work lately and I feel bad about it. I’m just so tired and have been working non-stop. I forgive myself for judging myself for not being good enough.
I turn it over. I let go. I’m not in charge. She has to feel her own feelings. I don’t want her to hurt. God is in charge. I need to focus on God and what he wants me to do. He wants me to do my book.
During this particular episode, I was attending The New England Quaker Yearly Meeting that I spoke of earlier in this book. I was obsessed about my family issues, overtired, suffering from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), and wandering around an unfamiliar campus lost. Here is a journal entry from that time:
I’m overtired, lost, and suffering from IBS. This campus is too big and confusing and I want to go home. I’m so worried about Alice that I can’t see straight. I feel lost emotionally too. Who am I and why am I here? I feel like I don’t fit in. Plus I look awful. The image staring back at me in the mirror shows a body beginning to sag, an ever-wrinkling face, and more gray hair than ever. My life is half-over and what have I done with it? I can’t fix Alice or save her. It’s like what is happening to her is happening to me. I know I’m enmeshed right now and need to pull myself out of this obsession.
So how did I pull myself out of this painful obsession? I went and volunteered at the Friends’ Bookstore that they have every year at the New England Yearly Meeting. This is the same bookstore that I spoke of earlier that I spent so much time in. Volunteering at this store involved learning how to run a cash register and an iPad credit card scanner. Nothing like technology to get me out of my obsession and back to living in the present moment! Working in that store required all of my concentration. While I did complain about spending more time there than I wanted to give, God was actually providing what I needed most at that moment. Working there got me out of my own head and helped me to heal, be present, and restore some serenity to my life.
This episode represents one of many obsessive episodes that have transpired in the last couple of years. The good news is that I plug in my Processes and deal with my episodes of obsessions when they do occur and get myself back in balance.
Mantras that help me in times of obsession:
Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
What am I grateful for?
I am powerless over this situation. I am powerless over my obsessiveness. My life has become unmanageable.
Let it go, Juliet.
I will live in this moment. I won’t obsess. Obsessing leads me away from God.
Let’s just trust God for that.
Let the other person’s (fill in name in question) issues be theirs.
Juliet has a job to do. Juliet has to follow God and let go, make her music, paint, work her recovery program, and do her book. That’s what God wants.
In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
In the moment, I let go and let God.
Dear God, I give you this problem for my highest good.
Additional practices that help to me work through my obsessions:
Music: I listen to and/or play etudes, Handel’s Messiah, and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas on my violin, or sing and play my own music on my guitar when I feel despair coming on. It helps me relax.
Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the negative energy that comes with obsessiveness.
Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps to bring me out of my obsessive tailspin and back into the present moment. I often combine my workout on the treadmill with a reading my gratitude list, which is really effective.
Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.
Inner child work: Connecting with my inner child helps me to get out of my obsession. It gets me in touch with how I am really feeling and processing things inside and why.
Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to get out of my own head and back into a balanced state of mind. I often see myself in the shares of others, which helps me to not feel so alone and thus less defective.
Step work: I work the steps on whatever situation is fueling my obsession. I read this work to my sponsor. Reading the work I’ve done on the principles also helps me a great deal.
Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my obsession into a tape recorder and notate them later.
Program literature: I read Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12), and other literature. Obsessiveness is a big topic in many of these documents, so reading them is always helpful in bringing me back to serenity.
Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to get my mind back on God where it belongs and off of my obsession. God comes first.
Let it go: Every time I let go and let God, my obsession leaves a little bit more and for a longer period of time. I give to God and go on with what is in front of me. I do this as many times as needed.
That Blasted Phone, from Everything Is For My Recovery, Audio Book
He wonders if she’ll ever get it right
Turn off the phone and turn out the light
He wonders if she’ll ever see the light inside herself
~ Lonelyhearts by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2010, all rights reserved
I truly do struggle with the telephone. When the phone rings, I feel like I have to answer it. Even if the ringer is off and I see the light blinking with a message, I feel like I have to find out who it is and what they want — just like a food addict who is looking for the cookies that someone hid from them. If there is even a crumb, I have to find it and devour it. But unlike the food addict who enjoys the flavor of the cookies, I answer the phone often out of obligation. I am responsible for whomever is on the other end of the line. I often see the red message light blinking and feel a sense of dread. The days are blissful when I come home from work and there is no blinking light on.
I dread hearing my telephone ring because it has brought me a lot of bad news over the years. The phone delivered the news about my mother’s cancer and death, my father’s dementia (I was there for his death), my brother in-law’s illness and all of the stress, sadness, and issues that my sister went through with that (I learned about his death over the Internet, not by phone). The phone was also a source of contention in my friendship with Doris, a relationship which ended quite painfully.
Sometimes I wish I could throw my phone out the window and have it get run over by a semi-truck, like Jim Carrey does with his pager in Bruce Almighty. Or I could leave it out in the snow to freeze like talented musician Jacqueline De Pré did with her cello in the movie Hilary and Jackie.
Part of the issue is that I have friends and family on the West Coast and I now live on the East Coast. The time change makes connecting difficult as the West Coasters have to call earlier than they are able. I go to bed early so I turn the phone off at 8:00 pm. This is part of my self-care. Juliet is taking care of herself by turning off the phone and going to bed early. Yea me! However, I often get calls after 8 o’clock at night.
Enter Juliet’s defects of character. My relationship with the telephone brings up my character defects of fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, over-responsibility and caretaking, obsessiveness, compulsiveness, people pleasing, and peacemaking — just to name a few.
The telephone also connects me to people who need me to listen to them and help fix their problems. That is what Juliet the Codependent thinks.
Then Juliet’s Codependency Patterns start kicking in:
Your moods and actions are my fault: My over-responsibility tells me I am responsible for other people’s feelings and whatever is going on with them is my fault.
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you: Codependents are “fix it” people and I am no different. It’s my job to fix people because I am responsible for them, my thinking tells me. This is my over-responsibility defect too.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave: I answer the phone because if I don’t, then whoever it is will get mad and not be my friend anymore. This also reminds me of Doris and of Betty as well. There was anger and rejection there in both cases.
I am less than: My low self-esteem tells me I’m not good enough to deserve to have needs and to value them over other people’s needs. I’m not good enough to put myself first.[1]
Juliet’s Feelings are involved here too:
This is all my fault. I did something wrong: My inner critic yells at me and tells me I’m bad, mean, and selfish for not answering the phone and taking care of people.
They’re going to abandon me: I fear that if I don’t answer, they will leave me.
They’re going to reject me: I fear that if I don’t answer, they will say I’m bad and not love me anymore.
I don’t deserve good things: My inner critic tells me that I’m selfish for not being there for them and taking care of myself instead.
I am less than: My inner critic continues by saying, “What kind of a person wouldn’t answer the phone? Bad Juliet!”
I am ashamed: I feel shame for taking care of myself instead of helping someone else first.
I am bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever: Now I won’t have any friends.[2]
Now all of these responses to the above feelings are jabs by my nasty inner critic. None of them are true. I know they are lies and I don’t have to listen to or believe them. The fact that I know this is recovery. I can dismiss them and move on with taking care of my own needs, which is my God-given right.
Now in reviewing these patterns and feelings, I see recovery.
The old Juliet would have had the following Codependency Patternson her list:
I’m not conscious of my own moods. I am conscious of your moods: I can’t say that now. I am conscious of my moods. This is progress. But now I have to deal with my moods and express them to people. Sometimes this is difficult to do and people don’t like what I have to say.
If you’re happy, I’m happy: This isn’t true anymore either. I am aware now that someone can be happy and I’m not. This awareness is a sign of recovery and growth but leads to the next Codependency Pattern.
It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them: I can now recognize my moods more readily, but articulating them is still difficult because of my fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and over-responsibility.
I don’t know what I need. I focus on what you need: Now I do know what I need to do and sometimes what I need involves taking care of myself by not answering the phone. There is recovery here, but putting my needs above the needs of others is still difficult for me.
I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important: What I like to do is important to me these days. My inner child speaks up here. She has been shoved under the rug for too many years and she wants what she wants and she wants it now. Sometimes I have to calm her down. She is a child, after all. But the fact that I know what I like to do and feel it is important is recovery. Plus I’m starting to take action in this area and do things I like to do.
Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll feel however you want me to feel: Obviously my fear of abandonment and fear of rejection, conflict avoidance, and passivity escalate when someone gets mad at me. I don’t like it when people are mad at me. It’s scary. It hurts. It’s lonely. But I know I feel how I feel. I don’t have to change my feelings for someone, like I did with my family of origin. Especially my dad.[3]
The old Juliet would have had the following Juliet’s Feelings on her list:
They’re right. I’m wrong: I can’t say that now. People are responsible for themselves. They have the right to reach out, but I have the right to say, “Not now” if that’s what is right for me.[4]
I used to answer the phone because I felt responsible for the person on the other end. That usually led to resentment on my part. If it makes me resentful, it’s not a choice. Then I would sit there trying to be nice and patient, but they could tell I was cranky and just wanted to eat and go to bed. So I’d get off the phone. But then I would feel guilty and call back and try to be nice and patient and talk to them. It was just this horrible codependent thing that went on.
The other day I answered the phone when I was in too much of a hurry to get out the door. Bad idea. The energy group, Efficiency Vermont, called again. The woman said they need the manufacturer’s invoice for the water heater and I misunderstood and jumped down her throat. Now I’m beating myself up for that. I was not nice to her. She clarified and said that they need the invoice from the manufacturer. She said they contacted the installer about it. I did apologize to her and am also saying I’m sorry to God. So I shouldn’t answer the phone when I’m in a hurry.
I am working really hard to surrender my slavery to the phone. For a while I unplugged the phone at 8:00 pm. Now I have an answering machine that has a silent mode. I can program it to just go to the machine at whatever time I want. It won’t start ringing out loud until the time I have set it to do that. Now sometimes it does seem to malfunction and ring late, but most of the time the answering machine is quiet.
I will surrender my slavery to the phone. I will not allow my phone to become my God. Only God is my God. I admit powerlessness over the phone. This has helped me. As soon as I admit powerlessness over something, the urgency is defeated.
I have talked to my therapist, my sponsor, and my Quaker Clearness Committee about my issues with the telephone and my over-responsibility for the person on the other end. They all agreed that I need to unplug the phone, put it on silent mode or whatever, and go take care of myself. When three separate entities are saying the same thing, that is God talking to me. I am listening, God.
I am making tiny steps of progress in my recovery in issues with the telephone. I will keep working my program until I recover.
Thank you God for this learning.
What helps me the most when I am struggling with that blasted telephone is:
Surrender: I get on my knees, admit powerlessness over the telephone and my over-responsibility, and give this to God.
Give it to God: I place the person and situation that is involved with this phone call and anxiety attack into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.
Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day, listen for His guidance, and try to do His will as I think He has told me. Just knowing that I am trying to do His will and follow Him helps me to feel better about doing what I need to do to detach and take care of myself. If I am listening to and following God, there must be good in me.
Step work: I work the steps on whatever telephone call or situation is triggering my anxiety. Then I read the step work to my sponsor.
Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about the situation that is causing me turmoil. Then I listen to the tape and write the contents in to my computer. Working the matter out in this way really helps me to become settled on the matter.
Program literature: Reading the 12 Promises, 12 Steps, and 12 Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous really helps me to remember that I have a right to take care of myself. It also puts God back in the driver’s seat. Reading the CoDA basic text and the stories within its pages reminds me that I am worthwhile just because I exist and that I am not terminally unique.
[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
Keeping My Eyes on Christ from Everything Is for My Recovery Audio Book
I try my best but I can’t win
I’m weak, I lose, it is a sin
Work ’til I drop, to win your love
Enlightened now, I look above
There’s His love, It’s perfect.
After all, it’s not about you
You’re not the one who’s right
I don’t have to be who you want me to be
I’ve finally seen the Light
You keep shoving expectations on me
I won’t keep trying to please you
You keep shoving expectations on me
I’ll choose His love; it’s all I can do.
~ Expectations by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2009, all rights reserved
In this story, I describe my latest experiences driving in snowstorms and relate them to the codependent snowstorm that was going on in my heart, soul, and mind during an incident at school.
Quite recently I drove through a snowstorm, the likes of which I have not seen since I was a child. I remember years ago, shortly after I had gotten my driver’s license, I drove home to Stockbridge, Vermont from Woodstock, Vermont in a blizzard during which I could barely see two feet in front of me. I think I was on my way home from an awful date with Sam. (See the “Codependency in Romantic Relationships” chapter of my first book Everything Is My Fault for details about my relationship with Sam.) I knew nothing of driving in the snow. Did I have snow tires on? Who knows. I didn’t know anything about studded snow tires versus all season radials, not slamming on your brakes on icy roads, or turning into a skid. I was just driving home in a blizzard with no blizzard-driving training.
There was a different blizzard going on in my head, no doubt about Sam. About how he didn’t love me and why didn’t he love me and why did I give him my virginity and God how I wish I could have it back. I was obsessed and in pain.
Anyway, I drove through several snow storms recently, the last one of which was as severe as that earlier one. The first one came on a Tuesday morning. For our driving pleasure, Mother Nature presented us with freezing rain, alternating with sleet and snow. The real special treat we got thrown our way is black ice. Stopping your car was not possible. At all!!! But we all still had to go to work in it. We still had school, even though we were risking our lives to get there.
The next storm came the same day, after the first of two nighttime concerts I helped with that week. After the first concert, I drove home in the snowstorm. The roads were pretty bad, slushy, slippery, no one around, snow going right into my windshield. I made it home okay, praying the whole time. God got me home safe. Thank heavens that’s over. That’s probably the storm for the week. Right? Wrong!
Wednesday marked another slippery drive to work, but it was better than Tuesday. Just as school was letting out, Mother Nature let loose again with huge amounts of heavy, wet snow. I was scheduled to videotape my mentor’s orchestra concert that evening for the local TV station so I called her to see if it was still on and she said yes. I told her the roads were bad and she said it was fine if I didn’t want to tape the concert. I could just go home.
Being the dedicated person I am, I decided to fulfill my commitments and tape the concert. I wanted to support my colleague and see all my former students perform. So I went to the TV station, got the gear, and headed over to the high school.
The concert was well worth the effort, one of the most moving I have seen in a long time. It was all movie music. The art teacher had her art students do art that portrayed the themes of the movie music the orchestra was playing and these images were shown on the screen while the orchestra played. It was all synchronized so that the music matched up with the art. It was very powerful.
After the concert was over, a parent came up to me and told me the snow had stopped. I was relieved.
The last to leave the auditorium, I packed up the video gear and headed home.
Well, maybe in Pittsfield, it had stopped snowing, but the mountain ride home for me was another story. It was a storm like the night I drove home from seeing Sam. I couldn’t see two feet in front of my face. There was not another soul on the road. Plus I was driving a rental car I wasn’t thrilled with, as mine was in the shop. So I had all season radial tires on, not studded snows. I know a lot of people say it doesn’t matter, but it does to me.
So I was driving about 20 miles an hour up a hill in total darkness, with the heavy snow falling. Along the way, I could barely see any of the landmarks on the side of the road, with the exception of the occasional light of a local business here or there. I mean it was dark, dark, dark.
My heart was pounding and I was scared.
I should stop and get a hotel and get off the road, I thought. This isn’t worth the risk. But the only hotels were either back in Pittsfield, or there was the Econo Lodge a few miles up the road. I worried that I would get stuck turning around, or, worse, go off the road and no one would find me until morning or ever. If I could make it to the Econo Lodge, I would be over the mountain by then and I could probably make it home. So I kept going.
While I was driving and praying for God to help me, I remembered the John Ortberg DVD, If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat. In this series, he talks about how Peter walked on water towards Jesus. He started to sink only when he took his eyes off of Christ and focused on the storm. As long as he kept his eyes on Christ, he was okay.[1]
I decided to do the same. I imagined Jesus’ face in my mind. I imagined the color of his eyes. I wondered how long his eyelashes were. What did his teeth look like and how did he brush them? How did he wash his clothes? How did he clip his fingernails? What kind of sandals did he wear and what were they made of? Leather I would guess. Did the sandals have buckles? Did they make buckles back then?
I kept imagining these things, asking myself questions, trying to keep my mind off of how scared I was and the fact that I could go off the road and die at any moment. I thought of how he and the disciples walked everywhere and how dusty their feet were after walking all day. That’s why they had to wash them when they came in to eat with folks because the way they ate their seats were really close to the floor and your feet were kind of close to where other people were eating. I really transported myself to another time and place.
Then I started singing hymns, all that I could remember. (My hymn anthology was in my car, not the rental, unfortunately.) When I ran out of hymns, I started singing them all again.
I also remembered one of my favorite bible verses:
For I the LORD, your God,
Who takes hold of your right hand,
And says to you,
Do not fear, I will help you.
~Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)
I breathed in and out. God is with me. He will guide me home.
I kept this up until I pulled into my beloved driveway. I focused on Christ and it got me home safe. I turned off the car, turned off the lights, and thanked God.
The next day, I had a snowstorm of a different kind. I had a negative interaction with an orchestra student and her mother.
This student, we’ll call her Connie, came into class complaining about where she stands.
“Why do I always have to stand here?” she whined.
“You don’t like where you’re standing? Okay.”
So I picked up her music stand and moved her across the room.
Her comment bothered me on a couple of levels. First of all, I felt like she was being disrespectful. When I was in elementary school, the teachers were much more strict. I would never have dared to complain to them about something like where I was standing or where they put my desk. You just didn’t do that then, or you were punished.
Secondly, I was annoyed at taking up instructional time for something I thought was pretty silly. I was trying to prepare the class for an upcoming concert. The lessons I teach are really short, only 30 minutes long, and that is if the students arrive on time to my classroom with their instruments intact. (Violins are delicate and tend to sometimes fall apart when they are in little hands.) So here I was taking up instructional time to rearrange the physical formation of the class when what we needed to be doing was learning our songs.
Sometimes I find that what’s of primary importance to me is very different than what’s important to an eight-year-old child. I find that to be frustrating. The music and the concerts are very important things to me and deserve our immediate attention. Young students, on the other hand, tend to focus on where they stand, who is standing next to them, who can see them, what they are wearing, and when recess is. I want them to have a good time, but I want us to get our work done too. In an ideal world we can do both but it is very difficult to accomplish this in a 30 minute lesson.
Looking back on it, I probably gave her some body language during the class that was a little intense for her.
The orchestra class Connie is in is a tough class. There are behavior issues in that class and getting through any session without some bumps in the road is typically not possible. So these usual behavior issues, talking out, playing their instruments when I’m talking, not listening, asking for information that I’ve already repeated three times started mounting up. So I complained about it to the students.
“I’m feeling really frustrated right now. People are playing when I’m talking, not listening, not following directions, and complaining about where they stand. I want to play music. I want us to play songs.”
This was good. This was Juliet expressing herself, saying what was true for her in that moment.
Well, that was too much for poor little Connie to handle. Little did I know that she is a supersensitive kid. I spoke with her home classroom teacher later in the day, who told me Connie cried all morning about it.
The next week, I went to tune all of the instruments and I noticed that Connie’s viola was not there. So I went and found her in the lunchroom and spoke to her about it.
“I noticed your viola wasn’t there today,” I told her.
“Yes, I didn’t feel like coming today.”
“Was this because of what happened last week?”
“Yes.”
“I apologize for my part in this. I thought you were being disrespectful. Now I know that this was not the case. I have you standing in that spot because you know what you’re doing. That is a compliment, by the way. If you feel comfortable, I would like for you to come to class today. I will ask Jane if you can borrow her instrument.”
She agreed.
In the meantime, I called her mom and left a message for her to call me about what had happened. Then I sent the mom an email detailing what happened and how I handled it. At this point, I copied the classroom teacher on these emails so she would be aware of how I handled it. I did not send it to the principal at this point.
Connie came to orchestra class and played Jane’s viola. She was smiling when she left and it seemed as though everything went fine. That is what I thought the last time too, though. Connie left the earlier lesson smiling and carrying someone else’s cello on her back. I mean, how do I know what’s going on inside someone else’s head? I don’t. Neither can anyone else.
That is one thing about codependents. They expect you to know what’s going on inside their head without them telling you. You’re supposed to be psychic and just know. I think society is like that too.
Her mom never returned my phone call. She did, however, reply to my email. Her email was cold, hurtful, and full of blame. This is even after I had included in my email how I had a conversation with the child, apologized for the misunderstanding, how great she was as a student, etc. The parent ignored all the good stuff and just laid blame. She also inferred that I was supposed to know what her daughter was thinking without being told. I was devastated. I obsessed about it for a week.
Then I recognized this as a test from God. Was I going to focus on this world, the people in it and what they think of me? Was I going to tie my self-worth to what someone else thinks of me? Or was I going to do it right and keep my eyes on Christ?
Then I realized that I have to keep my eyes on Christ, just like I did in that blizzard the night before. I need to be obsessed with Christ, not this kid, not this parent. I can’t get caught up in the things of this world. This world is not my home. I need to keep focused on God and what he wants me to do.
Once again, I recalled that treasured bible verse:
For I the LORD, your God,
Who takes your right hand,
And says to you,
Do not fear, I will help you.
~ Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)
I breathed in and out. God is with me. He will guide me.
Codependency Characteristics that I was exhibiting were:
What you think of me is more important than what I think of me.
Juliet’s Feelings that I was involved in here were:
This is all my fault. I did something wrong.
They are right. I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever. I am different from everyone else.[4]
I attempted several drafts of an email back to the parent, but didn’t feel right about any of them. So I deleted them. My therapist says I should always trust my intuition. If I follow it, I will be right on every time.
A program friend calls it “listening to your gut.” “What does your gut say?” she’ll ask me. She also says to not reply to an email when you’re upset. Write a draft and then sit with it.
So I didn’t reply because I was still upset. I let the situation sit. Good for me! That is recovery. That is practicing a new behavior. That is me not reacting, but observing.
I spoke with my therapist about the situation and she had this to say:
You’re taking too much responsibility for the child’s behavior, the parent’s behavior, and what went on in the class. The way you acted in class was in service to the child. Good for you for telling the class how you were feeling. Don’t make her behavior about you.
Remember the following two important principles:
1. It isn’t about you, even if it sounds like it is.
2. Other people’s behavior is not about you, even if it feels like it is.
3. The only way that their behavior would be about you is if you deliberately set out to hurt the person and you don’t do that.
You’re in a circumstance that is beyond your control. You don’t need to respond to the mom at all, if that is your choice. If the child quits that is her and her mom’s choice. If you choose to respond, do so in the way your administrator suggested. (A previous principal had suggested that I respond to parent emails in a manner that is brief, states my intentions, and opens the door for further communication either in person or over the phone. She advised me not to put in anything that can be distorted, misinterpreted, or used against me. This was great advice. I follow it to this day.)
After a weekend, a therapist appointment, and a conversation with my sponsor, I replied with the following email:
Dear Thea (not her real name):
Thank you for your email. I am always glad to hear from parents. I am sorry to hear that Connie was upset after the May 12 lesson. That wasn’t my intention. She is a wonderful student and I enjoy having her in class. I think it is best to discuss this over the phone. If you wish to reach me, you can call me on Mondays at Emerson School. I look forward to hearing from you.
At that point, after reflecting on the parents’ email response and the entire situation, I forwarded all of the communication to the principal (the classroom teacher was already in the loop) so she would know what was going on. I also told her to speak to me if she had any questions or concerns. I never heard back from the principal or the classroom teacher. No news is good news.
As of this writing, I have not heard from the parent and Connie has not come back to class. I have not approached them again. This is their decision. I am responsible to make amends, to clean my side of the street. I did that. I am not responsible for how someone reacts or responds, nor can I control it. This experience has truly helped me to realize the true meaning of the first line of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.[5]
My therapist is right. I was in a circumstance that was beyond my control. I can’t change how Connie feels, what she thinks of me, or the choices she makes in her life. Nor can I take responsibility for it. I can’t change what her mother thinks of me or fix her email etiquette (or lack thereof). All I can do is choose what I focus on and even that takes work. I can choose how I react and respond.
Realizing all of this is recovery. It doesn’t mean the pain goes away. I’ve been struggling with this.
I did speak with the guidance counselor and another classroom teacher who were wonderfully supportive. I left their offices with a huge sense of relief. I’m not a horrible person. I am not a bad teacher. I do my best. I am not responsible for this child. I am only responsible for myself.
This also ties into the principle of forgiveness. If I want to be forgiven, I have to forgive this parent. I have had to pray for the willingness to be willing to forgive her because I haven’t been willing. I’m getting there. My inner child was and still is very hurt. She goes back and forth between grief, despair, and anger. Occasionally she wanders into the realm of maybe being able to let it go.
I know I need to let it go. I keep working on it. I’m almost there. That is the right thing to do. I have to turn it over to God. If I keep my eyes focused on God, and turn it all over to Him, he can fix it. I have to let go and let God. I have to turn it over to him.
I am not responsible for others. I am only responsible for myself. It isn’t my fault. All of this is working to help me with my recovery and rid me of my codependent behaviors.
Dealing with my obsessiveness in this situation with this child and parent for me is like driving through the snowstorm. I can’t see two feet in front of me regarding what is going to happen. Will I ever be forgiven for whatever it is that they think I did? Meanwhile, God wants me to stay focused on him, not on Connie and her mother, not on the approval of other people or the things of this world. I need to keep focused on Him and what he wants me to do.
Even if I’m alone in the dark, in a snowstorm, in a challenging situation at work, having trouble finding my way, I have to focus on Christ. He will get me through it. He always does.
God has revealed to me that His will for me is to write these books, to write, record, and perform my music, and do my art. My job is to carry these messages to those who still suffer from Codependency, as Step 12 and Tradition 5 address:
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.[6]
5. Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to other codependents who still suffer.[7]
God’s will for me is to reach out to those who still suffer from codependency. Even if it just helps one other person with their recovery, it will be worth it.
That is me keeping my eyes on Christ.
God if you open the door, I’ll walk through it. This is me walking through the door, into the snow storm. I know he is with me. He is making me into the person he wants me to be.
[1] Ortberg, John. If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat: A DVD Study. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010.
[2] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
