I had a really hard time on the treadmill this morning. My legs and left knee were aching. The fanny pack was sliding down my shorts so I couldn’t reach the tissues for my nose which was running like Niagara Falls. I wanted a drink of water so I tried to adjust the incline, but I hit the speed button instead, twice, once at a seven and once at an eleven. How do you think that worked out? I am not a Boston Marathon runner. I’m trying to keep up with the treadmill, on an incline, holding on tight, which is hurting my already sore shoulders, that were injured months ago hauling wood. It’s hard to do the treadmill on an incline while trying to read Conversation with Christ and The Language of Letting Go. Let go? I’m trying not to fall off this blasted thing! My fanny pack is threatening to fall off completely. So, it gets moved in punishment to hang on the handle bar of the treadmill and if I reach in there I’m going to probably fall on my face. So, of course, this is the perfect moment for my heart rate monitor, with its brand-new battery, to stop working. Now I don’t know how many calories this torture is burning. This just isn’t fair! So pretty soon I’m having a meltdown like Winona Ryder when Whoopie Goldberg throws her in the ice-cold bathtub in “Girl Interrupted.” She starts screaming “this is a fascist torture chamber!” I’m just trying to get my work out done for heaven’s sake!
I do have a choice. I could just stop and not do it. Let’s instead, however, put those 12 step principles into practice. I am determined to persevere and get my hour in on the treadmill. So, what do I do? I make a note of my anger outburst level, which was an 80 and mark it down to tell my sponsor later, as I have been tracking my anger. What do I do with that energy? I put in Cloudburst Flight by Tangerine Dream and I keep going. 17 minutes to go.
I am now reading in Conversations with Christ by Douglas Gwyn while walking. “Is there a situation that you have handled differently than you usually would? Has the problem or situation been changed by your action? If so, how? Has the action changed how you see yourself? If so how?”
Well, yesterday my ProTools software decided it was going to declare a large portion of my audio book files missing, leaving huge gaps in my audio book chapter clips. The feeling I had was fear. All of that work, gone. I had taken extra care to save these files in 3 different places. They were fine when I left them. Now they are gone. I was scared but I didn’t get angry and I didn’t freak out. I tried calmly to find these files. Thanks be to God that my audio book is done. I need these files, but I don’t need them right this minute. I can take the mp4’s, upload and splice them as I need to do that. Not ideal.
The good news is that I walked away. I didn’t have a meltdown or rage attack. That is progress. I went and did my Ohio State String Teachers Workshop work. I need to talk to technology at Avid, but don’t have time now and won’t do so until I’m calm. Something is wrong with the template I am using. I need a new template. Let it go, Juliet. Let go. Go do something else. I walked away. Yay me.
Getting back to Douglas Gwyn’s passage, he encourages us now to search for a scripture within our hearts that speaks to our condition. Is there one? Yes:
Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10.
Bring Christ in your vision. What do you imagine he is saying to you?
Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. Let go. Let go.
God is going to reveal each step when I need to hear it. I am not going to know right now. It’s all going to be all right. I just have to live in the moment and in the spirit and not get all bunched up. He will take of me. Listen, be present. Give thanks to God.
There goes the nose again. I’m late for Quaker meeting!
I rush into my office and sit down at the computer with hair dripping wet from a lightning fast shower, yogurt/pumpkin concoction and coffee in hand. I sit down, I close my eyes, I breathe. Just breathe. Just relax. Let go. As I sit in my chair and worship begins, the sweat on my brow accompanies me, adorning my face and landing on my shirt. Mozart’s Requiem Mass blasts in my head. I breathe in and out. My nose begins to run. Again.
My jaw dropped as I read the list. I saw myself in every entry. I had tears rolling down my face. I felt my stomach tighten. It really was all my fault. I was really sick. Brad was right. I was responsible for everything that had gone wrong between us. Everything everywhere was my fault. How would I ever recover?
Here is the list I read (presented with further refinements to my own patterns):
I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
If you’re happy, I’m happy.
Your moods and actions are my fault.
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
If you like me, I like me.
If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
I ignore and ditch all my other friends as you are the center of my world.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.
Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
I am less than.
The recovery facility that was treating Mom for alcoholism had a family weekend that all family of origin members were encouraged to attend. They sent preparatory materials for me to look over before my arrival. In the packet was information about Codependency, including the patterns list.
I read the list sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Hollywood Presbyterian Church waiting for a music teachers meeting to start. I cried when I realized I was reading about myself. This was me! Every single trait on the sheet described how I relate to people. Wow! There was so much wrong with me.
How I felt about myself in almost every relationship and situation could be summed up by the following list:
Juliet’s Feelings
This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
Different from everyone
I am only worth what I accomplish.
I’m not good enough to be here.
This is my story.
I am writing down this story in an effort to understand my history. I need to know and understand where I’ve been so that I can figure out where I am and where I’m going.
I have decided to look at my codependency as it manifests itself in my relationships with my family of origin, school friends and acquaintances, close friends, romantic partners and within social situations. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of those involved.
I began to write this book in an effort to get all of my recovery and therapy notes in one place so I could refer to it when it’s needed. Therefore, in addition to the relationship material discussed above, this document also includes information about my defects of character as well as my program of recovery.
All of the techniques, exercises, processes and literature contained herein are all part of my program that is helping me heal. My hope is that others reading this will gain insights from it about their own recovery.
Codependency has been referred to as relationship addiction. A codependent person becomes addicted to controlling another person.
To put it another way, an alcoholic admits powerlessness over alcohol, whereas a codependent admits powerlessness over other people.
Melody Beattie, author of many books on the subject, including Codependent No More, The New Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, and The Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps, defines codependency this way:
A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.
Codependency is when I take caretaking and controlling behaviors too far. It is when I become obsessed about controlling and/or manipulating another person to the point that I forget about myself.
WHAT’S A FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY
What do I mean by inventory? Just as a store manager takes inventory to find out what they have in stock and what they need to order, I am taking a sincere look at my positive and negative behaviors and belief systems (also defined as defects of character) as they have manifested themselves in my life.
There are many ways to do an inventory. For example, one can do an inventory based on different time periods of their life. Examinations of significant events, habits, convictions or relationships are also options.
This book has two types of inventories in it. The first one is a relationships inventory. I have examined my conduct to view how it has affected the relationships with my family of origin, school associations, friendships, romances and work contacts. I changed the names of everybody to respect their anonymity. The second inventory is an assessment of my defects of character. In this section of the book I take a look at my defects of character and how they have affected my life.
These are merely examples of how to do a relationships and defects inventories. They are not right or wrong; they are just what I did. I hope that reader will be able to use them as models for doing their own inventories.
My codependency began in my family of origin, which was dysfunctional. The Codependents Anonymous welcome states that “many of us were raised in families where addictions existed…,”[4] and I was no exception. My mother was an alcoholic. My codependent behaviors developed as a survival response to this disease that the family contracted.
I continuously practiced Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Juliet’s Feelings List, as they appear in “It Really Is True,” with all of my family members.
Above all, I felt like I was responsible for everything that went on in the family. Everything that happened was my fault, something I did wrong. These feelings fed my fear of abandonment and rejection and my resulting perfectionism.
What follows is some information about my family that may help shed some insight into this baffling disease of codependency.
I have a few early memories that I believe foreshadowed my codependency.
One of these memories took place at a ski area daycare center. I must have been too young to ski, probably around the age of three or four. As I recall, I did something that called for attention from the daycare workers, and they yelled at me severely for it. I was crying hard. I thought, “I’m a bad person because I did this.” I still have residual effects of this treatment to this day.
I have another memory of my sister Alice and me playing in the downstairs hallway on a Sunday afternoon. We had little plastic horses and dolls we were playing with. One of the dolls was named Little Linda. Alice said that Little Linda was going away for a while. The fact that Linda was leaving made me feel really sad. As I look back on it now, Linda represented my sister Alice somehow. This was the first time I was fearful of being abandoned and rejected by my sister.
I remember crying when my first grade teacher, Mrs. Powell, moved me into the second-grade reading group. I had been separated from my peers, which, to me, meant I had done something wrong and was being punished. I felt very sad and didn’t understand what I had done wrong. I cried the whole time I sat there. Mrs. Powell was reading us a story about a girl crying at the breakfast table.
“Annie sat at the breakfast table and her tears landed with a plop in her cereal bowl. Just like Juliet’s,” Mrs. Powell said as I sobbed.
Mrs. Powell was very sweet and would never hurt a fly. I think she probably couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I think subconsciously I was afraid my sister wouldn’t love me anymore if I was as smart as her or at her level in school. So I stayed in first grade.
When I was still in grade school, a lady at a restaurant scolded me and I lied about why. I couldn’t have been more than seven or eight. I was at a salad bar fixing myself a plate. I saw some pickles that looked interesting. I selected one, took a bite, decided I didn’t like it, and put it back in the bucket on the salad bar. A woman saw me perform this angelic transaction.
“Oh, you shouldn’t do that,” she said, shaking her head and frowning at me.
I just happened to have a heaping pile of apple butter on my plate right then. So I went back to the table and told everyone that the lady yelled at me for taking too much apple butter. Fibber! I knew what she was mad at me for. I felt shame about this for a long time. When I did my CoDA 9th step, I confessed to this little sin. I forgive myself for judging myself for not being perfect.
[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
I have some Processes that I use to rid myself of my
anxieties and get myself back on the track of a productive, happy life. In the
following sections, I will present these Processes in their most basic
form. I will also present examples of
the Processes in action.
These Processes have been very helpful to me, and they are
also key to my recovery. They’re helping me to delete old, destructive patterns
of thinking and useful for building in new behaviors that work better for me.
Process One
This first Process was developed with the help of my therapist. I use this Process when I am caught up in the judgment of another person, or when I’m in the middle of the codependent crazies. It helps get me out of reaction and into the Observer. Getting out of reaction and into the Observer is my first step towards feeling better. Being in the Reactor solves nothing.
1. I consciously
breathe in and out slowly. Breathing
with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.
2. I become aware of
what I am doing.
3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain? Asking this gets me into the Observer. This awareness allows me to observe my behavior. Then I can figure out why .
5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and
information as it is.
6. I pray for acceptance of the situation.
7. I admit powerlessness over said problem.
8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings.
9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside.
10. Where can I put
my mind that is not on this? I go do
something else.
11. I have to
remember that God doesn’t make junk. I
am a beloved child of God just the way I am.
I don’t have to do anything to be okay.
I am okay just because I’m me. I
must never forget that. I am a
worthwhile person just because I exist.
12. From now on, I
will do (define solution). I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.
13. Even if I (e.g. make the same mistake again), I am still
okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.
14. I laugh at myself
and the situation. This will not matter in 50 years.
After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two.
Process
Two – Make a Plan
1. I recheck my
anxiety level. How am I feeling?
2. I breathe big.
3. What is the
information?
4. What are my
choices?
5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want.
6. I take action –
make a plan.
7. I affirm my
choice, and accept it.
8. I let it go.
9. I ask myself,
Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
10. I thank God.
11. I give it to God and don’t take it back.
12. I go do something
else.
When I’m in a hurry and don’t have time to use the above
processes, I use the Quick Fix Process below.
Process Three – Quick Fix for Getting Out of Obsession of a Crisis
1. I give it to God.
2. I thank God for handling
it and taking it off my plate.
3. I make God my real
friend, like Jesus is right next to me, helping me.
4. Every time I
obsess about it, I thank God for handling it and taking it off my plate.
5. I believe that
because I asked, my request will be answered.
Juliet’s Mantras and Additional Practices
When a situation is stressing me out, I also read my
Mantras, and I do additional Practices. They help. (These are included in a
later section.)
The additional Practices include:
Praying. I give it to God. I say, God, please help me.
Journaling. I get it all out on paper. Then I burn it.
Getting the anger out. I pound and yell or pound and grunt using a punching bag for 10 minutes.
Silent Worship. I pray silently to God and listen for His guidance for at least 20 minutes. Silent Worship is described in By the Way, You’re Going to Hell, as well as in Worship and Prayer Time.
Exercising away the stress. I do 30-40 minutes of cardio exercise.
Saying my list of positive affirmations. I may include the ones in this book or some from Louise L. Hay’s Power Thoughts Cards.
Going for gratitude. I go through my gratitude list. Add more to it. What am I grateful for?
At some point, I will go back to my Processes:
Again, I ask, where could I put my mind that’s not on this? I get back to the present moment.
I once more consider what the information is. I review my plan. I give the problem up to God. I let it go. I go back to the present.
I give it to God again.
I thank God for the assistance and whatever lesson the situation is offering.
The
Reactor and the Observer are two inhabitants of my inner self that are key to
my recovery. I have to remember who they
are so I can hang out with the right one.
I have two choices when responding to stimuli. I can observe, or I can react.
1.
An action performed or a feeling experienced in response to a situation or
event: “Carrie’s immediate reaction was
one of relief.”
2.
A person’s ability to respond physically and mentally to external stimuli.[1]
So
who is the Reactor?
The Reactor is someone
who responds to a situation or event without thinking first.
The Merriam-Webster
Dictionary
defines “observe” as:
1.
To see or sense especially through careful attention, 2. to come to realize
especially through consideration of noted facts.[2]
So who is the Observer?
The Observer is
someone who takes time to carefully assess a situation so that their response
will be better informed and more appropriate for all involved.
It is preferable to be in the position of Observer rather
than Reactor. The Reactor responds more
immediately to stimulus without taking the time to think, whereas the Observer
takes a time-out and makes a more careful choice.
It has been one of my goals to become an Observer instead of
a Reactor. I’m getting there, a little
bit at a time.
[1]
Definitions from Dictionary.com. Accessed on February 17, 2002.
[2] Merriam-Webster,
Inc., The Merriam-Webster Dictionary
(Boston, MA: Merriam-Webster, 1977), p. 632.
(But in Front of Me,
from Fearless Moral Inventory, by
Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)
Another very significant part of my recovery process has been the work I’ve done with my CoDA sponsor. I have a wonderful sponsor. I first met her at a CoDA meeting in Los Angeles before I moved back to Vermont. She is now what you would call a long-distance sponsor, as we live across the country from each other. I talk to her on the phone every week. I just finished my second trip through the 12 Steps with her.
I chose my sponsor for several reasons. First of all, she was recommended to me as a
good sponsor because she had a lot of recovery time. Secondly, I really appreciated her shares at
meetings and the authenticity with which she spoke. Thirdly, I felt like we had a lot in common
and could get along well.
I wouldn’t be anywhere without my sponsor. She is my lighthouse guiding me through the
storm of my disease. She knows the Steps
like the back of her hand and knows where one could get tripped up on
them. She is also a great listener. She is a glass is half full person and is
teaching me to be the same. That’s saying a lot too because I have always been
a glass Half empty kind of a person.
I wrote In Front of Me
about how I could see things in my life from the glass is Half full not Half
empty perspective. The sometimes, dreary
Vermont winter scenery served as the inspiration for this song.
I work the Steps, answer the Workbook questions, and read
the answers to my sponsor. I will continue to do this work with my sponsor as
part of my recovery program.
There are very informative booklets on sponsorship that are
available at local meetings and at www.Coda.org.
12.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to
carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in
all our affairs.[1]
I work Step 12. I do
my part to be of service to other codependents.
Right now, this involves hosting an online CoDA meeting once a week.
This involves not only hosting the meeting, but typing and posting the topics,
and answering emails.
Being of service helps me work my Program. It helps keep me on track. It is through my work with others that I keep
working on myself, looking at myself, and building in new behaviors that work
better for me and others.
I have had a spiritual awakening as a result of working this
Program. I am truly closer to God. I am a healthier person. I am more whole, more complete, less stressed
overall. I am a better person. I have
more of God in me and less of darkness.
Okay, darkness isn’t what I really wanted to say there. I
wanted to say Satan, but I’m afraid people will freak out. But the heck with it. I believe Satan exists. There is darkness and
evil on this planet, and he is the source of all of it. He doesn’t want us to be closer to God. He wants us to live in doubt and fear and
pain. He wants us to follow him.
My obsessiveness, compulsiveness, depression, shame, and
self-loathing all lead me down his path of destruction. I need to keep on God’s Path. And when I go
down Satan’s Road, I realize I’ve taken a wrong turn and turn around. I recognize where I am, go in a different
direction. And next time, I’ll choose a God’s Path.
God is with me.
And I work my Program by working with others. I listen to
others at meetings. God talks to me
through them. I am grateful.
I give back. I
learn. God is great.
Then I start the process all over again with Step 1. The
cycle continues. With every time through
the Steps, I learn more about myself. I
grow closer to God. Good stuff. I am grateful.
Thank you, God.
[1] Codependence
Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous.
(Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.
[2] Slogan
of Codependents Anonymous, Inc., Phoenix, AZ.
11.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God
as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the
power to carry that out.[1]
My worship time is the most important part of my day. I sit in silent worship for 20 minutes every day. I pray and I listen. Prayer is asking God for things. Meditation is listening. Pray, wait, listen, let go. Every day I sit at my altar and listen for
God’s will.
Saint Paul said we should pray without ceasing. I try to do that. I try to have God with me in my consciousness
at all times, especially when I’m teaching.
I have been known to turn around and pray to God during my
teaching. God please help me because I can’t do this alone. I don’t know what to
do God, please help me.
I ask only that God’s will be done in situations. Either that, or I might say, “Dear God, if it’s your will I pray,…”
then whatever it is. Or I might say, “I pray that such and such be done to the
highest good of all involved.” God
has a plan and it’s the best plan. I
just have to listen and do as he asks. I
need him to give me the power to do everything. I am clinging to him as I write
this to get me to sit in this chair and spit this out. It is very, very difficult. I have no power at all without God. He is everything to me.
Juliet’s Positive
Affirmations that relate to this Step include:
All good in me comes from God.
It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.
10.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted
it.[1]
I try to do a Step 10 every morning when I
wake up.
“What do you want me to do today, God?”
I try to do a Step 10 every night when I’m lying in bed.
“Did I do what you
wanted me to do today, God?”
These phrases are typed on signs that hang near my bed. I read them before I turn out the light. I think about the day and think of things
that I did that weren’t good for me or someone else. This is usually a very long list. Then I correct the situation.
For example, sometimes I make students responsible for my
feelings. This doesn’t serve them or
me. They’re just kids after all. So when I realize I’ve done this, I apologize
to them. I said the following to a student once.
“I was having a bad
day last week and I’m afraid I expressed frustration to you when it wasn’t your
problem. I’m sorry about that. I was
wrong.”
Another situation in which I had to admit I was wrong was
the situation with Melba Toast. I should have taken her outside by herself to
talk to her, instead of talking to her in front of the whole class. I was wrong.
I have not admitted this to Melba.
Perhaps I should now, even if it is a year after the fact. I will turn the situation over to God.
Students really respect me more when I am willing to admit that I am
wrong. They trust me more.
It’s also wrong for me to answer the phone after 8:00 pm when I’ve vowed to set a boundary about that. The stated boundary is that the phone gets turned off at 8:00 pm. Sometimes, however, I still answer the phone after that time. And I get mad at the person who is calling after eight o’clock. Then I do Step 10 and realize that I was the one who answered the phone. It’s not the fault of the person who called, it’s my fault for answering the phone. Then I vibe them out. I’m the one who broke my own boundary, not them.
This reminds me of that saying that when I point the finger
at someone I need to remember that four fingers are pointing at me.
9. Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]
I rehearsed my
amends with my sponsor. She helped me with
the wording so that it was not blaming, general enough to get the point across
and the job done, and not cause any hurt feelings. I’m so glad she was there to help me.
I made amends to my sister and to my mother. I started with Mom. We were on her canopy bed talking and I just
casually did my thing.
“Mom, I realize there were times I judged you and would say
things that were hurtful. I know now
that I was frustrated by the disease the family had and was trying to fix
everything. I realize now that wasn’t my
job. I’m sorry about that.” That wasn’t what I said word for word, but
that is the gist of it.
“I just assumed you understood,” Mom said.
“Your steps are very similar to AA,” she added.
With Alice, I said something very similar. We were sitting in her car. She was very nice about it.
I’m really glad I did it and I was glad when it was over.
Now I am in the middle of my second Step 9. It’s taking the form of a forgiveness list to
myself. I made a list of things I am
going to forgive myself for. Then I am
making a list of new behaviors I can plug in that will help me to not do the
things that are destructive to me. I’m working
hard on it. It’s a very long list. I read all of this to my sponsor during our
weekly phone calls.
What I’m realizing, however, is that the more I forgive
myself, the more I can forgive others.
This is especially true of my students.
The more I recognize their behaviors as ones I had growing up, the more
empathy, compassion, and forgiveness I have for them. First, I have to forgive myself for doing
those things. Then I can forgive
them. It makes things so much
easier.
