P

Sometimes I think I am the center of the universe.  It’s one of my defects of character. Since everything is my fault, that means I’m responsible for everyone’s feelings. This means that the world is on my shoulders and everyone everywhere is thinking about me all the time.  If I mess up even once and do the wrong thing, everyone everywhere will know and they will all abandon me forever.  I will be alone, homeless, loveless, destitute, worthless, and in pain.  These are the lies that my disease tells me.

The world does not revolve around me and people are not always thinking about me all the time.  They are all thinking about what they are going to do next.  My aunt told me that and she’s right.  It’s about them, not me.  Even if it sounds like it’s about me, it’s about them.

Here’s an example of this defect in action.  I spoke to the plumber yesterday about doing some work at my house.  He told me how much it was and I told him I’d think about it. It was so hard for me not to answer him right away.  Afterwards, I was thinking, He doesn’t think I like him.  Now he’s bummed he won’t get the job. I’ve made him sad.  He called me back so it was my obligation to say yes right away.  Now he’ll starve to death and it’s all my fault. 

Stop!  First of all, he’s a very busy plumber.  Second of all, he’s not even giving it a second thought.  He’s on to the next thing.  I am not the center of the universe.

Here’s another one.  My best friend sent me an email saying to give her buzz sometime to chat.  She gave me her schedule.  So she’s sitting there wondering why I haven’t called, right?  She’s waiting by the phone.

Stop!  She’s busy with her life.

I think this about my good friends a lot.  Like, if I don’t get an email back from one of them right away, I think they’re mad at me.  The truth is the person is busy doing what they do.  It’s not about me.

Here’s another example. My administrator is not giving me the information I need and I’ve asked a couple times.  School is getting ready to start and I can’t do what I need to do because she hasn’t given me the answers I need.  Why won’t she answer me?  Why won’t she be proactive and make some decisions? How can she leave me hanging?

Stop!  I am not the center of the universe. She has a million other things on her mind that are more important to her than the strings teacher.  She has test scores to think about.  If I keep emailing her and asking, I will just irritate her.  I guess I probably won’t be getting the answers I need. I’ll just have to figure it out on my own. Sigh. 

I also drive myself crazy thinking about something I may have said to a student about their violin playing.  They are home crying.  They hate me.  I’ve ruined their life.

Stop!  They probably stopped thinking about me the minute they left violin class!!

People are involved in their own stuff.  They are thinking about themselves, not me.  I’m not the center of the universe.  Will I ever get this through my thick head?

Wright, Juliet. Everything is My Fault: One Woman’s Journey through Co-Dependency. Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing 2012, p. 239

Low Self-Esteem

Out they come

My worms

They’re here

Blame, obsession,

Self-hate and fear

It’s time to weed this wormwood

From my fruitful brain

(Midgard, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

These lyrics speak of my own feelings about myself that produce my low self-esteem.

I have low self-esteem.

The entire Juliet’s Feelings List from “It Really Is True” applies here. That is how I feel about myself.

All of my feelings are typical of a codependent with low-self esteem. As a child, I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough.

Even today, I am my own worst enemy.

I have old tapes that start playing in my head, telling me lies. Here’s an example:

Stupid girl.  The only reason you are singing at your dad’s party is because you are his daughter.  You aren’t any good. You are a fat ugly loser, remember?  No one else would give you the time of day.  You are pathetic. 

These tapes start playing at full volume when I make mistakes.  Perfectionism can lead to lots of shame and low self-esteem.

Since I have low self-esteem, my self-worth is tied up in how you feel about me. 

Like many codependents, it’s very difficult for me to make choices.  I was in denial about this pattern for a long time, but lately it has really been staring me in face. I don’t want to make a mistake and pick the wrong decision.  Even small decisions, such as where to eat, can make me crazy.  A fairly recent crazy-making decision dilemma was whether or not to purchase a new artificial Christmas tree as the mice trashed my old one.  I went around and around about it like a dog chasing her tail. If I bought a new one, I’d have to throw away the old one, and that meant poor Mother Earth would have yet something else in one of her already overflowing land fills.  If I didn’t buy one, I’d have to live with a Christmas tree that had been somewhat damaged by the mice.

This defect only gets worse when I’m with someone else.  In this case, I try to second-guess what they want so then they will be happy.

Other characteristics typical of someone with low self-esteem are being critical of myself, not being aware of or denying my needs, and thinking that the other person is always right and I am always wrong.  These patterns were evident not only in my family of origin, but in my relationships with Brad and Alex, friends, and work colleagues.

I have never thought that I deserve to get my needs met, so it’s very hard for me to ask for what I need. Then I would say yes when I meant no, especially when I wanted something different from what the other person wanted.  Then I would try not to want it, denying myself.

The bottom line is that the other person is the only one who is important. I don’t count because I’m not worthy enough to count.

I don’t trust my own judgment about anything.  Everyone else knows better than me.  Alex knew best about fashion, hair, food, music, what sounded good, how you were supposed to act, what you were supposed to do.  My sister knows the scoop with Miss Manners.  Everyone else is always right.

My inner critic spews venom filled with lies that fuel the fire of my low self-esteem.

These verses in my song My Mighty Warrior (The Linton Worm)speak of the inner critic’s pursuit of me:

He chases me

Throughout the day and night

Breathing lies

Until I think he’s right.

Why must we endure this test

Can’t it just be laid to rest

And finally

Set us free.

(My Mighty Warrior, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Songwriting continues to be a very healing recovery activity for me.  I will continue to use it in that manner.  Thank you God for these gifts.

By working my Codependents Anonymous program, I am slowly getting some self-esteem.  I will keep working my Program, and by the grace of God, I will continue with my recovery.

Workaholism

I am a workaholic.

I tie my self-worth to what I accomplish. This leads me to be compulsive with my work so that at the end of the day I can feel good about myself. I can numb myself out with work just like I can with food. I am only worthy of love if I accomplish a certain amount of work.

When I was at the Interlochen Arts Academy, my workaholism manifested itself in my practice habits. I would spend hours practicing guitar and piano whether I was conscious or not. I felt guilty if I got more than four hours of sleep at night. I was falling asleep all the time in class and probably looked like a fool. I was only worth the work I got done that day. The same thing was true at University of Miami.

Some of my work habits during my time in Los Angeles could be viewed as workaholism. Much of it, however, was just Juliet trying to support herself.

I worked two or three jobs at a time just to make ends meet and would drive long distances to accomplish this. I would be so tired while driving that I would fall asleep at the wheel regularly.

I fell asleep at the wheel so many times on the way home from gigs in LA. It’s amazing I got anywhere alive.  I was absolutely always in my car.  I would wake up on the freeway and not know where I was.  I would try absolutely everything to stay awake. I would eat, drink coffee, chew gum, bounce up and down, slap my face, run the air conditioning, blast music — you name it. I tried everything except drugs.  Nothing worked.

One night I was at a stoplight at the corner of Crescent Heights and Sunset and someone shook my shoulder.  It was the woman from the car behind me. I guess I must have had the window open.

“I saw you sitting here through a couple of lights and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I thanked her. That was really nice of her.   I hadn’t been drinking that time, either.  I was just too plain tired.  I was working all day and all night and living on three or four hours of sleep a night.  I can see why Alex would be worried about me.

When I was in Automatic Acceleration, we commuted to both San Diego and Palm Desert when the band was first formed.  This meant hours and hours of time in my car in traffic.

When I worked with Lisa, we commuted very long distances as well.

In fact, every band I was in commuted very long distances to get to gigs.  Very rarely did we play close to home.  That is just how it was.

Then I would get up and work all day.

Thank you God for keeping me alive all those years.  I appreciate it.

Juliet’s Positive Affirmations around workaholism include:

• God help me love myself regardless of what I do or don’t accomplish. I am worthy of love just because I exist. Thank you God. Not my will but Thine be done. 

Now I’ll confront my fears head on

Speak my truth, sing my song

And if you chose to walk away

After you’ve heard what I have to say

At least I believed in me

~ All These Fears by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2011, all rights reserved

In the next entry, I discuss an experience I had with a parent who expressed dissatisfaction with some elements of my work. How I handled the situation shows my recovery at work. I’m proud of that.

What other people think of me is none of my business. My therapist told me this and I like it. Other people’s thoughts and opinions are about them. They have nothing to do with me.

Thank you, God.

I’m sitting here fretting and stewing about what some of my parents think of me. So if what other people think of me is none of my business that is great news. One parent hasn’t thought much of me this particular week.

Teachers are really public servants. My sponsor/teacher/mentor/friend told me that and I believe her. We are public servants. This, amongst many other factors, makes it a very difficult job. We do are best. Juliet does her best.

Yes, Juliet does her best for her students every day. She did her best at her first Rosemead School concert on Monday. The concert turned out well. The kids who were there performed well. At least four students didn’t show up, which was a bummer. But the students who did show up were great. Thanks be to God.

My commute was horrible that day, but I dealt with it. There was road construction everywhere and traffic was awful. I don’t mean Los Angeles awful, but still awful. We all know how Juliet feels about traffic. I have to put in my Matrix Reloaded soundtrack and stare at my Angry Bird mascots attached to my dashboard to be able to deal with it and not curse like a sailor. Breathe. It’s okay. This wonderful construction will be going on for one month, until the end of school. Oh joy. Lucky me. Deal with it. Okay. Let it go. Breathe. Cool. God loves me. Thank God. Put in a bible tape after Marilyn Manson gets done screaming. Breathe. Okay. I’m okay now.

I finally arrived at school, with only one minute to gather my kids for class. My Early Morning Orchestra is a before-school activity. So I have to meet my students at the front door, which takes extra time and effort. Forget about going to the bathroom, setting up, breathing in and out. Just hit the ground running. I dealt with it. I got through my teaching day, trying to live in the moment and focus on my students. I tried to not let my mind and heart worry about Alice and her grief over the death of her husband.

That same evening, we had our spring concert. After the concert was over, one parent came to see me in my room. She expressed dissatisfaction with her son’s placement on stage. She wanted her son Irving to be in the front. She told me that Irving also wanted to be in the front but was in the back for both concerts. She felt that he was discouraged by this. Irving plays the bass.

“Bass players don’t sit in the front,” I began to explain. “Their instruments are big and I wouldn’t be able to see anyone else if I put them in the front.”

“Well, that wasn’t very well received,” she said rather defensively.

“This is a standard setup for an orchestra,” I told her, staying with the same reasoning.

Still she wasn’t satisfied.

“Well, think about it,” I continued. “If I put Irving in the front that means someone has to go in back of him and I’ll get complaints from that parent about their child not being seen.”

The parent continued. “He is a sensitive boy so he may not play next year. He doesn’t want to sit in the back and none of his friends play bass. He doesn’t like being the only one. I can send him back to the music school. He wants to be in the front.”

So up came Irving to see his mom. When I tried to talk to Irving, his mom put up her hand to stop me.

“We can talk about this later,” the mom said. She glanced towards her son in a way that told me, “Please don’t talk about this now.”

So we ended the conversation somehow and I went back into my room.

Soon I headed out to the parking lot, where I saw that parent again.

“I feel like I miscommunicated,” she said. “I’m not being a back-stage mom, I’m really not. I don’t need him in the spotlight. I can take him to the music school for that.”

This was the second time she mentioned the music school. So was this a threat?

“Maybe if you explained to Irving that it has nothing to do with him not being good enough,” the mom continued. “It’s just because it is a big instrument, that this is the standard format of an orchestra. He would understand that.”

Okay, I just tried to do that and you stopped me, I thought to myself.

“I wish I hadn’t said anything,” the mom concluded as she started to walk away. “This didn’t go well.”

“I’m just trying to figure it out and communicate,” I said calmly as I watched her head toward her car. “We’ll figure it out,” I added. At least I think I said that last part.

So I stewed and fussed about it all the way home.

Juliet’s Defects of Character at work:

• Other people’s beliefs and opinions are always more important than mine. They are always right and I am always wrong.
• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do. I am less than.^[1]

Juliet’s Feelings at work:

• This all my fault. I did something wrong.
• They are right. I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I am less than.^[2]

On my way home, I started talking to God about it.

“God, please help me focus on you and not this woman. Please help me turn it over, because you have something to say to me. Help me, Lord. Help me get this. Help me understand. Help me to just focus on you and I’ll give it to you and you’ll figure it out. It’s all for the highest good. Show me the steps forward. I did a little step work and talked to a program friend and that is a step forward. I have value and I deserve to be happy. All that matters is that you be glorified. I will listen to the Holy Spirit and will be obedient. That is what I need to do.”

During worship, God comforted me with the following verse:

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?

Or am I trying to please people?

If I were still trying to please people,

I would not be a servant of Christ.

~ Galatians 1:10 (NIV)

I gave it to God and he gave me comfort. I got on my knees and surrendered to God. I put a note in my God Box about it. My God Box is a jewelry box with the insides taken out. I write whatever is troubling me on a  piece of paper and put it in the box. In this way, I have given these problems and worries to God. This makes it easier for me to stop obsessing about the problem and let it go. I use my God Box all the time. It works really well for me.

Positive Affirmation:

• Let’s just trust God for that.

Juliet’s Codependency Pattern:

• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.^[3]

In recovery, I realize that the world is not always this black and white. No one is always right but God.

In recovery, I realize that communication with others is a two-way street. I always do my best to speak the truth as I know it and act on the best interests of everyone.

So what other people think of me is none of my business.

As my therapist says, what other people think is about them. It is what they see through their screen. It is theirs.

Around this time, a light bulb went on inside my head. Suddenly all the hard work I’ve been doing in recovery and therapy started its engines, and I had my own power supply running in my tired teaching head.

Maybe this woman wasn’t trying to make me feel like crap. Maybe she feels like she messed up and she shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe she is struggling with insecurity inside herself. That could be true too. My being able to think that and not just blame myself for it is a miracle from God. That’s recovery.

There was another way to think about it. I didn’t have to come from a place of fear, thinking things like Oh my Gosh, this kid is going to quit and I’m a bad teacher. I am a less-than human being. I’ve failed and everyone knows it. None of that was true.

Positive Affirmation:

I will not believe Lucifer’s lies. I will believe the truth that I am a beloved child of God.

Then I came up with some solutions:

• I’ll try to rearrange the seating plan so Irving is in the front and still is in orchestra formation.
• I will also ask him if he wants to do a solo.

Pastor Steve Mays says we have to admit powerlessness over things we can’t control and things we can’t fix. That is when God is getting ready to do a major work in our life. So I admitted powerlessness over this parent and her opinions of me.

Signs of Recovery

All of this hard work was worth it. I am, by the grace of God, seeing growth. I am seeing recovery.

For one thing, the time I spent in anguish about this occurrence was shorter. I have been obsessive about it for the past couple of days, but it hasn’t been constant and I haven’t been in complete despair about it. All or nothing catastrophic thinking is not at work as much as it used to be. I now see solutions and a way out. I also see both sides of the situation a little better. I am still stewing about it, but it is not devastating like it used to be. These are signs of growth.

In those moments of the exchanges between the mom and me, I was upset. My heart was pounding and my inner child was upset. However, I was able to look at this woman and see that she was struggling too. She was trying to get what she wanted. She wanted her son to be in the front.

The next day, I emailed both of Irving’s parents. I thanked the mom for our exchange and told the dad I was copying him on the email at his request to be on the list. I told them I had rearranged the entire seating arrangement so that Irving could be in the front and still be in orchestra formation. I also suggested he do a solo and asked them to discuss it with their son and get back to me. In addition, I stated that I totally support private instruction at the music school and that it really helps students to grow as musicians. I was happy with my email when I sent it.

I have never heard anything further from the mom on this matter. I did ask Irving if he wanted to do a solo and he said no, he would rather not. I got the impression he was happy to continue playing as part of the beginners group. I did use the new orchestra formation that had Irving playing in the front and he seemed to be content with that, although he never mentioned anything to be about it.

Now I can look at the situation and realize I did my best.

All of this is for my growth. All of this is for my learning.

Again, as my therapist once told me, what other people think of me is none of my business, even if it’s good. It is about them, what they’re thinking. This makes it an outside issue, just like Tradition 10 says:

10. CoDA has no opinion on outside issues; hence the CoDA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.^[4]

This applies directly to my issue with this parent. This is about her and her thoughts are an outside issue. They have nothing to do with me. This gets me off the hook.

If I made a mistake, I’ll promptly admit it. But I don’t think I made a mistake. I didn’t know anything was wrong. I even tried to have Irving in orchestra at the beginning of the school year, before all this happened, but it seemed like it was too much for him. Besides, his mother complained about having to bring him early, citing transportation issues. She seemed relieved when she didn’t have to bring him early anymore.

Positive Affirmation: 

• Today I release myself from all expectations.

I have to release myself from all expectations because I had the expectation that this woman would say something, like “Thank you for what you do” or “I think what you do is good,” but she said nothing after I made those changes.

I have to stop having expectations about people and what they will say and do. I am just setting myself up for disappointment when I have expectations about anything.

I used to have high expectations for everything and sometimes I still do. But there are moments in my life now when I’m satisfied if I can just get the lawn mower started. That would be a good day. Waking up and realizing I am still alive is enough to make it a good day.

I did the best I could. I am not less than. I am a beloved child of God. I am a very hard-working teacher. I answer to a higher authority, to a loving God who is always with me, always watching, always sovereign.

I will keep an open mind about others and accept them as they are. This means keeping an open mind about myself and accepting myself as I am.

Positive Affirmation:

• God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.

This is hard work and there are challenges. There is pain and hurt, but there is also growth, recovery, and joy. God is in control of all of it. I am grateful. Program works. Thank you, God.

^[1] Ibid.

^[2] Ibid.

^[3] Ibid.

^[4] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. v.

THE PROMISES 

The Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous are still a regular part of my recovery program. I try to read them every day. They motivate me to keep going when times get rough, by reminding me that there is light and recovery at the end of the tunnel.

The 12 Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous

I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the 12 Steps and follow the 12 Traditions…

1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity, and dignity.

3. I know a new freedom.

4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.

5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely loveable, loving, and loved.

6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.

7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.

8. I learn that it is possible for me to mend — to become more loving, intimate, and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.

9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.

10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.

11. I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.

12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.^[1]

Thoughts on the Promises

I was reading the 12 Promises a short time ago and I had a revelation. While all of the promises are slowly coming true for me in my life, there are a few that stuck out. These are Promises 6, 7, 10, and 11.

6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.^[2]

I used to always see myself as less than compared to others. Thanks to working my program that is changing. I am starting to see myself as equal to others.

7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.^[3]

I am learning to maintain relationships with people who are trustworthy, honest, and direct. I am learning to avoid having relationships with people who are controlling, indirect, and manipulative. As a result, I communicate better with others, have more self-confidence, and have healthier relationships in my life.

10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.^[4]

I used to determine my self-worth by what others thought of me. I don’t have to do that today. I am learning that I’m a worthy, beloved child of God, just because He loves me. I only have to look to Him to provide my sense of worth and He does. I don’t have to get my self-worth from others.

11. I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.^[5]

I am trying to stay in a constant state of prayer. This has me in much closer contact to God than I ever have been. As a result, I am very tuned in to His guidance. I am learning to trust myself when I receive directions from Him and to follow whatever He tells me to do. I have more confidence now in my ability to discern God’s voice and guidance and to follow them.

I am very grateful for the 12 Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous, and I will continue to use them as part of my daily recovery program.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CODA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. vii.

^[2] Ibid.

^[3] Ibid.

^[4] Ibid.

^[5] Ibid.

Finishing my positive character traits inventory helped me to see that I am a worthy person, who is capable of being loving, patient, humble, giving, and serene. Doing this inventory reminds me not only to practice these positive behaviors and principles but also that I can always become more loving, patient, humble, and giving.

Recently I was listening to one of my bible study tapes and the scripture being studied was 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, the famous love chapter. As I listened to this well-known passage, I thought to myself,What would it be like if I substituted myself for the word love? That might help me remember t0 be more loving, patient, humble, giving, and serene.

So I did that. Here’s how it turned out.

1If Juliet speaks in the tongues of men or of angels, but does not have love, she is only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If she has the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if she has a faith that can move mountains, but does not have love, she is nothing. 3If she gives all she possesses to the poor and gives over her body to hardship that she may boast, but does not have love, she gains nothing.

4Juliet is patient, Juliet is kind. She does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. 5She does not dishonor others. She is not self-seeking, she is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. 6Juliet does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7She always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Juliet never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When Juliet was a child, she talked like a child, she thought like a child, she reasoned like a child. When she became a woman, she put the ways of childhood behind her. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.^[1]

^[1]Adapted from First Corinthians, Chapter 13.

He chases me

Throughout the day and night

Breathing lies

Until I think he’s right.

Why must we endure this test

Can’t it just be laid to rest

And finally

Set us free.

Where are you?

When I need you most?

My mighty warrior

When will you save me

From this wicked worm

That tortures my soul

Bring it under control

~ My Mighty Warrior by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2008, all rights reserved

In the entry below, I share my thoughts on heaven, hell, and purgatory in relation to some oil paintings I had done of those places. I also describe my hell on earth as me dealing with my defects of character.

I had a really interesting conversation with my friend Sue yesterday about heaven, hell, and purgatory. This talk had been activated by three oil paintings of the same names that I had created over the past weeks. One looks like what I think heaven would be like — greens and blues, beautiful, serene, calming, and placid. Purgatory has some reds in it, but also includes a state of brownish, yellow confusion that has not quite given into the red burning state. Hell has a greenish yellow sky with red on the bottom.

Sue asked me to explain myself. Did I really think there was a hell where I’d go if I’m bad and then burn for all eternity? And what is purgatory? If I’m in heaven, am I flying around with a harp and wings? She then went on to suggest that we create our own heaven, hell, and purgatory on this planet.

So what does Juliet think? I think that heaven is a place where I’d go to be with God. I’ll be with Christ. It will be a comfortable place. I think hell is a place where I would be separated from God for eternity. That would be lame. I wouldn’t like that. I’m not sure about purgatory in terms of it being another place, unless I am such a confusing messed-up case when I get there that they’d say, “Hold up, we need to get our confused-mess intervention team to figure her out. Throw her in purgatory until the committee can convene.”

I do agree with Sue that I have the ability to create my own heaven, purgatory, and hell right on this planet. Heaven is lying in my bed at night listening to the train go by. Heaven is also sitting under the stars at Tanglewood listening to music that only God could have created. Heaven is sundried tomato, feta, and cheese pizza, followed by a really good glass of Cabernet, topped off with a chocolate dessert. Heaven is my music, my writing, my art, and my cabin, my Quaker Meeting. It is the sweet, smiling face of one of my students who comes up to give me a hug and is glad to see me. It is a sweet student who tries their best to play in front of all of their peers. That is heaven.

Purgatory was waiting to hear about how my brother-in-law was doing after one of his many surgeries, when they were trying to save his life. It was waiting for that stupid, evil tumor of his to go away. (It didn’t and he died in 2014.)

Purgatory is spending hours fretting over a violin that someone thinks I lost and I’ve looked in every classroom, closet, car, truck, boat, plane, trashcan, rock, and spaceship to find it. And it is nowhere. Purgatory is me being lost in my defect of indecision, not knowing where to turn next.

My hell on earth is being swallowed up by my defects of character. My inner critic is always trying to devour me, fueling my low self-esteem, which is torture. Hell is me lying awake obsessing over a disagreement I had with a friend, or a family member, convinced that they will never speak to me again; now they know how truly awful I am, the secret is out and I’ll be alone forever. Then fear of abandonment and fear of rejection join in on the bullying session. Then I obsess about how I can fix it. I obsess because I am codependent, you see, and that was part of my job in my family of origin. I was supposed to be perfect and fix things. If I just obsess long enough, I’ll figure it out. I’ll make them love me, I’ll figure out how to beat the cancer, the lost violin will fall right through the roof of my cabin. If I beat myself up enough, maybe I can turn back the clock and erase that stupid thing I said to my student and not be defensive around them. Hell is feeling helpless over the illness of a loved one or family member. Yes, my defects do create hell on earth.

As I’ve noted earlier, I find that my salvation lies in my creativity. Creating music and art helps me survive.  I always feel better after playing my violin or my guitar. And writing songs is my lifesaver — lots of songs. Listening to Mozart and Benjamin Britten also helps me climb out of the hellish pit of depression and helplessness. That and, of course, surrendering to God. Surrendering in prayer is essential.

I don’t think I’m headed for a roasting pan. Instead, I have to try to avoid putting myself in it right here on Earth. At the same time, that beautiful, serene, calming, wonderful place called heaven is real to me and I look forward to meeting Christ, shaking Peter’s hand, and taking Paul’s class on Romans. And I’m sure they’ll have plenty of art and music studios there in which I can create whenever I want.  Tanglewood will be there too, of course, heaven style, with plenty of great lawn space, stars, and beautiful music. Sounds heavenly to me. Sign me up!

In this entry, I discuss the possibility of us being co-creators with God of our life here on Earth and my feelings about that as it relates to my beliefs about God’s sovereignty over my life.

I am continuing my study of Listening Spirituality, Volume II: Corporate Spiritual Practice Among Friends, and I came across a passage that has been really bothering me for several months now. The passage in question appears in a section that discusses focusing on a particular dynamic in your relationship with God as a co-creator of your future, as opposed to attempting to discern God’s will for your life. Thomas Merton states that basically people act like God has plan or map for their life in a drawer somewhere and that we think all we have to do is find the right drawer containing the right map and we’ll be all set and on our way. He says it’s not like that. There is no predestined plan for us because we are co-creating the plan with God. He says it is more like a great improvisation that is constantly unfolding.^[1]

What? You mean there is no blueprint for Juliet’s life? Really? I don’t want to think that is true. What if it was? What if I’m really entirely responsible for all my choices and unlike Robert Frost, who chose the right road not taken, I chose the wrong one and end up in a mess? I mean I’m human. I’m human, self-centered, selfish, can’t get out my own way. Man, don’t put me in charge! Yikes! And besides, I was never that great at improvisation. The improv classes I took at the University of Miami were really gnarly and made me sweat buckets, even in rooms that were cold enough to hang meat.

And what about the following passage from the bible?

Before you were formed in the womb I knew you. I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord Almighty.

~ Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV)

To me this scripture makes it pretty clear the tGod does have a plan for my life. Was Merton disagreeing with scripture? As a monk I am certain he was familiar with this well known verse.

Maybe he means that since there is that of God in me that it’s like I am co-creating my plan but it freaks me out. What if I make the wrong choices and create the wrong thing? That bothers me.

The bible also tells us:

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

~ Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

I can see how we are co-creators in the sense that we have been given free will and can choose to follow God or not. We can choose to get to know, love, and make God first in our life or not. So in that sense, I suppose we could be creating the blueprint of our lives.

In Step 3, I choose to turn my life over to the God of my understanding:

3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.^[2]

So I am a co-creator in the sense that I choose to turn my life over. I have free will and can choose to hand Him the reigns or not. In Step 3, I handed Him the reigns and let Him have the driver’s seat.

But there is more. I choose to believe that God does have a plan for my life. If I remain in a constant state of prayer, listen for His guidance, and practice unreserved obedience to Him, I think I will be able to follow His blueprint for my life.

I am also a co-creator in that I have to choose to keep listening and doing what he wants me to do.

I think that is another place in my life where Step 11 comes in:

11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.^[3] 

I have to stop whatever it is that I’m doing, go sit in prayer and meditation every day, and spend time with Him. I need to spend time in scripture. Reading scripture helps me to learn more about God. The more I get to know Him, the more I will begin to listen and understand His plans for my life. In that sense, I am a co-creator.

Maybe there is a blueprint for how God wants my life to go, but if I indulge my stubbornness, selfishness, and self-will and let that take over and go my own way, then another, less ideal blueprint is created. Then I could goof it up.  That is a scary thought. Hopefully I won’t do that.

Okay, so maybe I won’t find a drawer with a map in it. But I’ve never been good at reading maps anyway, and even with my new GPS that my sister and brother-in-law so lovingly gave to me for Christmas one year, I am an expert in getting lost. So hopefully the map is really a spiritual blueprint that can be discerned through prayer, meditation, and the study of scripture.

I find great comfort, promise, faith, and hope in the scriptures. They have gotten me through many tough times. I believe they are the inspired word of God.

I also believe that God will provide for me everything that I need. He will fill the empty space inside of me. He will be my companion, savior, protector, friend, and deliverer. I don’t need anyone else. God is here. Juliet needs to keep her eyes on Christ and what He wants her to do.

What a revelation! Thank you, God!

And I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding,

with knowledge and with all kinds of skills.

~ Exodus 31:3

I do believe God has a plan for me that was created before I even came down to this planet. That is what works for Juliet.

I have a positive affirmation that relates to this topic:

God has a plan for my life better than I could have orchestrated. I give my life to him and let go.

God has a plan for Juliet’s life. So whether it is a blueprint, map, diagram, or drawing, I will use the tools I have to seek it and follow God’s path. Nothing I ever do in this life could be more important.

^[1] Loring, Patricia. Listening Spirituality Volume II, Corporate Spiritual Practice among Friends. Openings Press, 1999.

^[2] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX:  CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[3] Ibid.

God is a huge part of my life. He IS my life. In this entry, I describe the personality traits of my Higher Power. This is part of an exploration and journey that is ongoing in my life and is an important part of my spiritual walk. Thinking in terms of Spirit keeps me more in spirit and less preoccupied with the physical world. This keeps me closer to God and that’s important to me.

Personality Traits of My Higher Power

I have made a list of the personality traits of my Higher Power. I use this list when I need a little faith boost. Reading this list reminds me that my God isin control of my life. He is loving, wise, forgiving, patient, and faithful. He is everything on this list. So when I’m caught in the middle of an obsession, panic attack, shame attack, or dealing with my over-responsibility, I can read this list and remember that I don’t have to fix it. God is in control. All I have to do is what he wants me to do. I don’t have to do it perfectly either. I just have to do my best.

My God is:

• Accessible
• All knowing (omniscient)
• All powerful
• Always the same, never changes (immutable)
• Compassionate
• Creative
• Encouraging
• Eternal
• Faithful
• Forgiving
• Friendly
• Gentle
• Gives second chances
• Hardworking
• Holy
• Honest
• In control
• Incomprehensible
• Infinite
• Just
• Kind
• Light
• Limitless (omnipotent)
• Loving  
• Loyal
• Majestic
• Merciful
• Patient
• Playful
• Responsive
• Righteous
• Sensitive
• Sovereign
• Strong
• Supreme
• Transcendent
• Trinity
• Trustworthy